- "You might be a redneck if you think suspenders are a type of shirt."
suspend
pussy
- Cat haters just resent never getting their pussy to come.
oust
- "The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes. --> The original quote from Marcel Proust"
Pregnan
T0 all my pregnant, recently newborn, maybe one day, already
been there, ain't never g0in there friends...
H0pe it brightens your day!
been there, ain't never g0in there friends...
H0pe it brightens your day!
Take care!
Q: Sh0uld I have a baby after 35?
A: N0, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm tw0 months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes c0llege.
Q: H0w will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, y0u'll get better.
Q: What is the m0st common pregnancy craving?
A: F0r men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the m0st reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The m0re pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.
Why?
A: 'Cause y0u're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five m0nths pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
b0rderline irrational.
A: S0 what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-m0nth pregnant woman and a
m0del?
A: N0thing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for
him).
Q: H0w long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by tw0.
Q: My childbirth instruct0r says it's not pain I'll feel during
lab0r, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a t0rnado might be called an air
current.
Q: When is the best time t0 get an epidural?
A: Right after y0u find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reas0n I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in lab0r?
A: N0t unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I sh0uld avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: D0es pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything y0u want to blame it for.
Q: What d0es it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's m0ther may want to rethink her plans to
nurse.
Q: What is the best time t0 wean the baby from nursing?
A: When y0u see teeth marks.
Q: D0 I have to have a baby shower?
A: N0t if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was b0rn last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act n0rmal again?
A: When the kids are in c0llege.
butte
- Òî know on which side one's bread is buttered.
PoolAni
0 ___
/|\ /___\______
__/_\__/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*
0 ___
/|\ /___\______
___/_\_/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0 ___
|=/___\______
_____/>/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
/|\
//_\\______
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
_/|\
/_/_\______
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
___/|\
/___/_\____
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
___ /|\
/___\/_\___
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
___ /|\
/___\_/_\__
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
___ /|\
/___\__/_\_
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
___ /|\
/___\____/_\
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
___ |=
/___\______|
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
___ 0
/___\__ |=
_______/____|_ ---_>
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
___ |=
/___\______>
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
/=
___ _>
/___\___---
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
/=
/
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
__0
/ \
___
/___\_____
_______/____|_ --
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
____0
___ \
/___\_______
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
__
___ \0
/___\_______ \
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
___ \
/___\_______ \0
_______/____|_ \
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
___
/___\_______ \
_______/____|_ \
| |0
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_ \|
| |
| |0
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
| \|
| ' |..'
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/0'~~~~~~
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_ . .
| . '. '
| '.\/..'.
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/,~~~~
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
| .'..''..
| . .'.' '
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~;|/,~~
_0/
/
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
| . .
| ..'.'.
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~;,;~~~
_0__/'
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
|
| . .
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~;~~~~
0__// ''
//
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~0~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|\__
\
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
|
| 0
|~~~~~~~~~/|\~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/ \
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
|
| 0/
|~~~~~~~~~/|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/ \
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
| g0 back to work!!
| 0/
|~~~~~~~~~/|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/ \
/|\ /___\______
__/_\__/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*
0 ___
/|\ /___\______
___/_\_/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0 ___
|=/___\______
_____/>/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
/|\
//_\\______
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
_/|\
/_/_\______
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
___/|\
/___/_\____
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
___ /|\
/___\/_\___
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
___ /|\
/___\_/_\__
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
___ /|\
/___\__/_\_
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
___ /|\
/___\____/_\
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
___ |=
/___\______|
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
___ 0
/___\__ |=
_______/____|_ ---_>
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
___ |=
/___\______>
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
/=
___ _>
/___\___---
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
0
/=
/
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
__0
/ \
___
/___\_____
_______/____|_ --
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
____0
___ \
/___\_______
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
__
___ \0
/___\_______ \
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
___ \
/___\_______ \0
_______/____|_ \
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
___
/___\_______ \
_______/____|_ \
| |0
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_ \|
| |
| |0
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
| \|
| ' |..'
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/0'~~~~~~
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_ . .
| . '. '
| '.\/..'.
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/,~~~~
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
| .'..''..
| . .'.' '
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~;|/,~~
_0/
/
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
| . .
| ..'.'.
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~;,;~~~
_0__/'
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
|
| . .
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~;~~~~
0__// ''
//
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
|
|
|~~~~~~~~~~~~0~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|\__
\
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
|
| 0
|~~~~~~~~~/|\~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/ \
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
|
| 0/
|~~~~~~~~~/|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/ \
___
/___\_______
_______/____|_
| g0 back to work!!
| 0/
|~~~~~~~~~/|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/ \
guy
- Hello, front desk? Some guy named Gideon left his Bible here.
oval
- "Lean too much on the approval of people and it becomes a bed of thorns. --> The original quote from Tehyl Hsieh"
evolution
- Rule of Creationism #33: Claim evidence to destroy evolution...once.
ivy
Pig
A man is driving d0wn a steep narrow mountain road. A woman is
driving up the same r0ad. As they pass each other while almost
scratching their cars the w0man leans out the window and
yells: "PIG!!" The man immediately leans 0ut his window and
replies "BITCH!!". They each c0ntinue on their way and
as the man r0unds the next dangerous sharp curve he slams into
a huge pig standing in the middle 0f the road.
driving up the same r0ad. As they pass each other while almost
scratching their cars the w0man leans out the window and
yells: "PIG!!" The man immediately leans 0ut his window and
replies "BITCH!!". They each c0ntinue on their way and
as the man r0unds the next dangerous sharp curve he slams into
a huge pig standing in the middle 0f the road.
ewe
- 99% of all guns have killed fewer people than Ted Kennedy
PerfectCoupl
Once up0n a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect c0urtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together
was, 0f course, perfect.
perfect c0urtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together
was, 0f course, perfect.
One sn0wy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) al0ng a winding road, when they
n0ticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect
c0uple, they stopped to help.
There st0od Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disapp0int any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
l0aded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
al0ng delivering the toys.
Unf0rtunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
c0uple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived
the accident.
Wh0 was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect w0man survived. She's the only one who really existed in
the first place. Every0ne knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no
such thing as a perfect man.
**** W0men stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep
scr0lling. ****
S0, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman
must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if y0u're a woman and you're reading this, this
illustrates an0ther point: women never listen either.
Parado
Parad0x of our Time
The parad0x of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but
sh0rter tempers; wider freeways but narrower viewpoints.
We spend m0re, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.
We have bigger h0uses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less
time; we have m0re degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less
judgment;m0re experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink t0o much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive t0o fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too
tired, read t0o seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied 0ur possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk t0o much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned h0w to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to
life, n0t life to years.
We've been all the way t0 the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the
street t0 meet the new neighbor.
We've c0nquered outer space, but not inner space.
We've d0ne larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but p0lluted the soul.
We've split the at0m, but not our prejudice.
We write m0re, but learn less.
We plan m0re, but accomplish less.
We've learned t0 rush, but not to wait.
We build m0re computers to hold more information to produce more
c0pies than ever, but have less communication.
These are the times 0f fast food and slow digestion; tall men, and short
character; steep pr0fits, and shallow relationships. These are the
times 0f world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun;
m0re kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are days 0f two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but
br0ken homes.
These are days 0f quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality,
0ne-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do
everything fr0m cheer to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the sh0w window and nothing in the
st0ckroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a
timewhen y0u can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
extreme
- Lack of sex leads to depression; extreme cases can lead to religion.
PackingInstructio
**ACTUAL PACKAGING INSTRUCTIONS**
Are we really this stupid? All these were actually f0und on
packages:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On hairdryer instructi0ns:
D0 not use while sleeping.
On a bag 0f Fritos:
Y0u could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar 0f Dial soap:
Directi0ns: Use like regular soap.
Fr0zen dinner that says:
Serving suggesti0n: Defrost.
On a h0tel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits 0ne head.
On Tesc0's Tirimisu dessert:
D0 not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding:
Pr0duct will be hot after heating.
On packaging f0r a Rowenta iron:
D0 not iron clothes on body.
On B0ots' (pharmacy chain in the UK) children's cough medicine:
D0 not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nyt0l:
Warning: may cause dr0wsiness.
On a K0rean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep 0ut of children.
On a string 0f Chinese-made Christmas lights:
F0r indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese f0od processor:
N0t to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: c0ntains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet 0f nuts:
Instructi0ns: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
D0 not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
NoEar
HE EARS
There was this man wh0 was in a horrible accident, and was injured.
But the 0nly permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both
0f his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very
self-c0nscious about his having no ears.
Because 0f the accident, he received a large sum of money from the
insurance c0mpany. It was always his dream to own his own business, so
he decided with all this m0ney he had, he now had the means to own a
business. S0 he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer
firm. But he realized that he had n0 business knowledge at all, so he
decided that he w0uld have to hire someone to run the business. He
picked 0ut three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The
first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last
questi0n for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual
ab0ut me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears."
The man g0t really upset and threw the guy out.
The sec0nd interview went even better than the first. This candidate
was much better than the first. Again, t0 conclude the interview, the
man asked the same questi0n again, "Do you notice anything unusual
ab0ut me?"
The guy als0 noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really
upset again, and threw this sec0nd candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better
than the sec0nd, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
wanted t0 hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice
anything unusual ab0ut me?"
The guy replied "Yeah, y0u're wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked, "W0w! That's quite perceptive of you!
H0w could you tell?"
The guy burst 0ut laughing and said, "You can't wear glasses if you
d0n't have any ears!"
NewBoot
New b0ots
*********
*********
Sam and Bessie G0ldberg are senior citizens, and, Sam always wanted an
expensive pair 0f cowboy boots.
Seeing s0me on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home,
asking Bessie, "S0, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt y0u wore yesterday, and the
same pants. What's different?"
Frustrated, Sam g0es into the bathroom, undresses and comes out
c0mpletely naked, wearing only his new boots.
Again, he says, "Bessie, d0 you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging d0wn today, it was hanging down
yesterday, and it will be hanging d0wn tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN? Cause it's
l0oking at my NEW BOOTS!" Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"
myth
- Ideology is history full of myth, but devoid of fact.
MorningSon
M0rning Poem
I w0ke early one morning
The earth lay c0ol and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched 0n my window sill
He sang a s0ng so lovely
S0 carefree and so gay
That sl0wly all my troubles
Began t0 slip away
He sang 0f far off places
Of laughter and 0f fun
It seemed his very trilling
br0ught up the morning sun
I stirred beneath the c0vers
Crept sl0wly out of bed
Then gently shut the wind0w
And crushed his fucking head.
I'm n0t a morning person.
MathsOfLife
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart w0man = romance
Smart man + dumb w0man = affair
Dumb man + smart w0man = marriage
Dumb man + dumb w0man = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart b0ss + smart employee = profit
Smart b0ss + dumb employee = production
Dumb b0ss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb b0ss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 f0r a $1 item he needs.
A w0man will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A w0man worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never w0rries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man makes m0re money than his wife can spend.
A successful w0man is one who can find such a man.
T0 be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
l0ve him a little.
T0 be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try
t0 understand her at all.
Married men live l0nger than single men, but married men are
a l0t more willing to die.
Any married man sh0uld forget his mistakes, there's no use
in tw0
pe0ple remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as g0od-looking as they went to bed.
W0men somehow deteriorate during the night.
A w0man marries a man expecting he will change, but he
d0esn't.
A man marries a w0man expecting that she won't change, she
d0es.
A w0man has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning 0f a new
argument.
There are 2 times when a man d0esn't understand a woman -
bef0re marriage and after marriage.
account
- Short debts (accounts) make long friends.
accident
Guns cause crime like seat belts cause accidents.
abuse
How much longer are you going to abuse our patience?
Anger is a legitimate response to abuse.
abort
If you are against abortion..... don't have one.
You don't want to pay for abortions; I don't want to pay for churches.
MathsOfLif
Maths 0f Life
Smart man + smart w0man = romance
Smart man + dumb w0amn = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart w0man = affair
Dumb man + dumb w0amn = marriage
Smart b0ss + smart employee = profit
Smart b0ss + dumb employee = production
Dumb b0ss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb b0ss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 f0r a $1 item he needs.
A w0man will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A w0man worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never w0rries about the future until he gets a wife.
A sucessful man is 0n who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A sucessful w0man is one who can find such a man.
T0 be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
l0ve him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her
a l0t and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live l0nger than single man, but married men are
a l0t more willing to die.
Amy married man sh0uld forget his mistakes, there's no use
in tw0 people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as g0od-looking as they went to bed.
W0men somehow deteriorate during the night.
A w0man marries a man expecting he will change, be he doesn't.
A man marries a w0man expecting that she won't change, and
she d0es.
ManagersQuote
Managers qu0tes ...
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Qu0tes" contest. They were looking for
pe0ple to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are
the finalists:
1. "As 0f tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
empl0yees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote
fr0m Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list 0f specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is n0t to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used 0nly for company business." (Accounting Manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This pr0ject is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing Manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "D0ing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
6. N0 one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working
0n it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when
it's time t0 tell them." (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and
Manufacturing/3M C0rp.)
7. "My B0ss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
needed c0rrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
c0uldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell
C0mputers)
8. Qu0te from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing Executive, Citrix C0rporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled f0r Monday. When I
t0ld my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work
0n the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial
t0 Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD
Fl0rists)
10. "We kn0w that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the empl0yees." (Switching Supervisor, AT&T Long Lines
Divisi0n)
11. We recently received a mem0 from senior management saying: "This is to
inf0rm you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned
ab0ve." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my b0ss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
pr0ject I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He
said, "If I wanted it t0morrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for
it!" (New Business Manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
13. As direct0r of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing
0ur company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one
0f the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the
training manuals. The day after I r0uted the memo to the executive committee,
I was called int0 the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice
president wanted me 0ut of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was
t0ld that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her
c0mpany. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I
be fired and the w0rd "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly
reas0nable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy
0f the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take
care 0f it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us
that n0 words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be
used in c0mpany memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company
p0licy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the
Sunday paper. (Tac0 Bell Corporation)
MSWordThesauru
1) Open a new WORD D0cument and type the words "love her"
2) Highlight the w0rds "love her" and then press shift + F7
L0ok what Microsoft WORD says to replace with....!
3) N0w choose replace button.
4) N0w again highlight the phrase again and press shift + F7
See y0urself what it says...?
2) Highlight the w0rds "love her" and then press shift + F7
L0ok what Microsoft WORD says to replace with....!
3) N0w choose replace button.
4) N0w again highlight the phrase again and press shift + F7
See y0urself what it says...?
??? what kind 0f algorithm do they use???
LoyalWif
Her husband has been slipping in and 0ut of a coma for several months,
yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came t0, he
m0tioned for her to come nearer.
yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came t0, he
m0tioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "Y0u know what? You have been with me all
thr0ugh the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business fell, y0u were there. When I got shot, you were by my
side. When we l0st the house, you gave me support. When my health
started failing, y0u were still by my side . . . . You know what?"
"What dear?" She asks gently.
"I think y0u bring me bad luck..."
LincolnVsJF
Linc0ln vs. JFK
Here's a little part 0f US history which makes you go h-m-m-m-m-m:
Abraham Linc0ln was elected to Congress in 1846.
J0hn F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Linc0ln was elected President in 1860.
J0hn F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Linc0ln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
B0th were particularly concerned with civil rights.
B0th wives lost their children while living in the White House.
B0th Presidents were shot on a Friday.
B0th Presidents were shot in the head.
Linc0ln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Linc0ln.
B0th were assassinated by Southerners.
B0th were succeeded by Southerners.
B0th successors were named Johnson.
Andrew J0hnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lynd0n Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
J0hn Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, wh0 assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
B0th assassins were known by their three names.
B0th names are comprised of fifteen letters.
Linc0ln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy'.
Kennedy was sh0t in a car called 'Lincoln'.
B0oth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran fr0m a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
B0oth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...:
A week bef0re Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week bef0re Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Lawyer
>These are things pe0ple have actually said in court, word for word,
>transcribed, rec0rded
>and n0w published by court reporters who had to endure the torment of
>staying calm while these
>exchanges were actually taking place:
>
> - - - - -
> Q: What is y0ur date of birth?
> A: July fifteenth.
> Q: What year?
> A: Every year.
>
> - - - - - -
> Q: What gear were y0u in at the moment of the impact?
> A: Gucci sweats and Reeb0ks.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: This Myasthenia Gravis, d0es it affect your memory at all?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And in what ways d0es it affect your memory?
> A: I f0rget.
>Q: Y0u forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
>f0rgotten?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: H0w old is your son, the one living with you?
> A: Thirty-eight 0r thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> Q: H0w long has he lived with you?
> A: F0rty-five years.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: What was the first thing y0ur husband said to you when he woke that
>m0rning?
> A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> Q: And why did that upset y0u?
> A: My name is Susan.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: And where was the l0cation of the accident?
> A: Appr0ximately milepost 499.
> Q: And where is milep0st 499?
> A: Pr0bably between milepost 498 and 500.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: Sir, what is y0ur IQ?
> A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: Did y0u blow your horn or anything?
> A: After the accident?
> Q: Bef0re the accident.
> A: Sure, I played f0r ten years. I even went to school for it.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: D0 you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
>0ccult?
> A: We b0th do.
> Q: V0odoo?
> A: We d0.
> Q: Y0u do?
> A: Yes, v0odoo.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: Tr0oper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
>lights flashing?
> A: Yes.
> Q: Did the defendant say anything when she g0t out of her car?
> A: Yes, sir.
> Q: What did she say?
> A: What disc0 am I at?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: N0w doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
>d0esn't know about it until the
> next m0rning?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: The y0ungest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: Were y0u present when your picture was taken?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: S0 the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And what were y0u doing at that time?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: She had three children, right?
> A: Yes.
> Q: H0w many were boys?
> A: N0ne.
> Q: Were there any girls?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: Y0u say the stairs went down to the basement?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And these stairs, did they g0 up also?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: H0w was your first marriage terminated?
> A: By death.
> Q: And by wh0se death was it terminated?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: Can y0u describe the individual?
> A: He was ab0ut medium height and had a beard.
> Q: Was this a male, 0r a female?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: Is y0ur appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
>which I sent t0 your attorney?
> A: N0, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: D0ctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> A: All my aut0psies are performed on dead people.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: All y0ur responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> A: Oral.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: D0 you recall the time that you examined the body?
> A: The aut0psy started around 8:30 p.m.
> Q: And Mr. Denningt0n was dead at the time?
> A: N0, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: Are y0u qualified to give a urine sample?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: D0ctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> A: N0.
> Q: Did y0u check for blood pressure?
> A: N0.
> Q: Did y0u check for breathing?
> A: N0.
> Q: S0, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the
>aut0psy?
> A: N0.
> Q: H0w can you be so sure, Doctor?
> A: Because his brain was sitting 0n my desk in a jar.
> Q: But c0uld the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
> A: Yes, it is p0ssible that he could have been alive and practicing
law
>s0mewhere.
>
> - - - - -
>
>
>
>transcribed, rec0rded
>and n0w published by court reporters who had to endure the torment of
>staying calm while these
>exchanges were actually taking place:
>
> - - - - -
> Q: What is y0ur date of birth?
> A: July fifteenth.
> Q: What year?
> A: Every year.
>
> - - - - - -
> Q: What gear were y0u in at the moment of the impact?
> A: Gucci sweats and Reeb0ks.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: This Myasthenia Gravis, d0es it affect your memory at all?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And in what ways d0es it affect your memory?
> A: I f0rget.
>Q: Y0u forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
>f0rgotten?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: H0w old is your son, the one living with you?
> A: Thirty-eight 0r thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> Q: H0w long has he lived with you?
> A: F0rty-five years.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: What was the first thing y0ur husband said to you when he woke that
>m0rning?
> A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> Q: And why did that upset y0u?
> A: My name is Susan.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: And where was the l0cation of the accident?
> A: Appr0ximately milepost 499.
> Q: And where is milep0st 499?
> A: Pr0bably between milepost 498 and 500.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: Sir, what is y0ur IQ?
> A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: Did y0u blow your horn or anything?
> A: After the accident?
> Q: Bef0re the accident.
> A: Sure, I played f0r ten years. I even went to school for it.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: D0 you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
>0ccult?
> A: We b0th do.
> Q: V0odoo?
> A: We d0.
> Q: Y0u do?
> A: Yes, v0odoo.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: Tr0oper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
>lights flashing?
> A: Yes.
> Q: Did the defendant say anything when she g0t out of her car?
> A: Yes, sir.
> Q: What did she say?
> A: What disc0 am I at?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: N0w doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
>d0esn't know about it until the
> next m0rning?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: The y0ungest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: Were y0u present when your picture was taken?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: S0 the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And what were y0u doing at that time?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: She had three children, right?
> A: Yes.
> Q: H0w many were boys?
> A: N0ne.
> Q: Were there any girls?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: Y0u say the stairs went down to the basement?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And these stairs, did they g0 up also?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: H0w was your first marriage terminated?
> A: By death.
> Q: And by wh0se death was it terminated?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: Can y0u describe the individual?
> A: He was ab0ut medium height and had a beard.
> Q: Was this a male, 0r a female?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: Is y0ur appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
>which I sent t0 your attorney?
> A: N0, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: D0ctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> A: All my aut0psies are performed on dead people.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: All y0ur responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> A: Oral.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: D0 you recall the time that you examined the body?
> A: The aut0psy started around 8:30 p.m.
> Q: And Mr. Denningt0n was dead at the time?
> A: N0, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
>
> - - - - -
> Q: Are y0u qualified to give a urine sample?
>
> - - - - -
> Q: D0ctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> A: N0.
> Q: Did y0u check for blood pressure?
> A: N0.
> Q: Did y0u check for breathing?
> A: N0.
> Q: S0, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the
>aut0psy?
> A: N0.
> Q: H0w can you be so sure, Doctor?
> A: Because his brain was sitting 0n my desk in a jar.
> Q: But c0uld the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
> A: Yes, it is p0ssible that he could have been alive and practicing
law
>s0mewhere.
>
> - - - - -
>
>
>
JewishHumou
Jewish hum0r
************
************
Year acc0rding to Jewish calendar 5759
Year acc0rding to Chinese calendar 4696
T0tal # of years that Jews went without Chinese food 1063
**********************************************************************
Q - What did the waiter ask the gr0up of dining Jewish mothers?
A - "Is ANYTHING all right?"
********************************************************************
Q - Where d0es a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A - Under the vacuum cleaner.
**********************************************************************
Q: H0w many Jewish mothers does it take the change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) D0n't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be
a nuisance t0 anybody.
**********************************************************************
Sam Levy was driving d0wn the road, gets pulled over by a policeman.
Walking up t0 Sam's car, the policeman says, "Your wife fell out the
car 5 miles back." Sam replies, "Thank g0d for that...I'd thought I'd
g0ne deaf!"
**********************************************************************
Sh0rt summary of every Jewish Holiday: They tried to kill us, we
w0n, let's eat.
**********************************************************************
Did y0u hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the
street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.' "F0rce
y0urself," she replied.
**********************************************************************
Q - What's the difference between a R0ttweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A - Eventually, the R0ttweiler lets go.
**********************************************************************
A y0ung Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home
a w0nderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name
is Sh0oting Star." "How nice," says his mother "I have an Indian name
t0o," he says. "It's Running Water" and you have to call me that from
n0w on." "How nice," says his mother "You have to have an Indian name
t0o, Mom," he says. "I already do," says the mother. "Just call me
Sitting Shiva."
**********************************************************************
A man calls his m0ther in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"N0t too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The s0n says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't y0u eaten in 38 days?
The m0ther answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be
filled with f0od if you should call."
**********************************************************************
Jewish view 0n when life begins: There's a big controversy on when
life begins. In Jewish traditi0n the fetus is not considered viable
until after it graduates fr0m medical school.
**********************************************************************
A Jewish b0y comes home from school and tells his mother he's been
given a part in the sch0ol play. "Wonderful. What part is it?"
The b0y says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband"
The m0ther scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want
a speaking part."
**********************************************************************
Jewish telegram: "Begin w0rrying. Details follow:"
JewishComputerTerm
Jewish C0mputer Terms:
B0ot - Ya'ale Ve'Yavo
Diff (FileC0mpare) - Ma Nishtana
System Call - Shma Israel
Keyb0ard - Choshen
Firewall - K0tel
Header - BS"D
Bug - Arbe
Encrypti0n - Migdal Bavel
C0mpression - Paamaim Ki Tov
Illegal F0rmat - Muktz'e
L0g - Divrey Ha'Yamim
M0use - Sheretz, Dever
Packet - Pekale, Kreplech
Pr0tection Plug - Mezuza
Pr0tection Violation - Yehareg U'bal Ya'avor
Query - Kushia
Server - C0hen
Skip - Pesach
Trace - Yaa'q0v
Virus - Mamzer
AntiVirus - B0chen Klayot Valev
Watchd0g - Kalev Ben-Yefune
Y2K - Shnat Shmita
Micr0soft's "security" policy - Shneim-Asar Hameraglim
Wind0ws crashdown - Makat Choshech
"Wintel" c0operation - Bechayeyhem Uvemotam Lo Nifradu
Circuit 0verload - Amud Haesh
Multimedia CD - Veha'am R0im Et Hakolot
"MS-..." - Ot Kain
JackAss
F0r all of you who occasionally have a really
bad day when y0u just need to take it out on
s0meone. Don't take that bad day out on
s0meone you know, take it out on someone
y0u DON'T know!!
bad day when y0u just need to take it out on
s0meone. Don't take that bad day out on
s0meone you know, take it out on someone
y0u DON'T know!!
N0w get this. I was sitting at my desk when I
remembered a ph0ne call I had to make. I
f0und the number and dialled it. A man
answered nicely saying "Hell0?"
I p0litely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and
c0uld I please speak to Ms. Robin Carter?
Suddenly the ph0ne was slammed down on
me! I c0uldn't believe that anyone could be
that rude. I tracked d0wn Robin's correct
number and called her. She had transp0sed
the last tw0 digits incorrectly. After I hung up
with R0bin, I spotted the wrong number I had
called still lying there 0n my desk. I decided to
call it again. When the same pers0n once
m0re answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!"
and hung up.
Next t0 his phone number I wrote the word
"Jackass", and put it in my desk drawer.
Every c0uple of weeks, when I was paying my
bills, 0r had a really bad day, I'd call him up.
He'd answer, and I'd yell "Y0u're a jackass!!"
It w0uld always cheer me up.
Later in the year, the ph0ne company
intr0duced caller ID. This was a real
disapp0intment for me. I would have to stop
calling the jackass.
Then 0ne day I had an idea. I dialled his
number, then heard his v0ice. "Hello". I made
up a name. "Hi, this is the sales 0ffice of the
teleph0ne company and I'm just calling to see
if y0u're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went "N0!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said "That's
because y0u're a jackass!"
The reas0n I took time to tell you this story is
t0 show you how is there's something really
b0thering you, you can do something about
it. Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading ...it gets better]
The 0ld lady at the mall really took her time
pulling 0ut of the parking space. I didn't think
she was ever g0ing to leave. Finally, her car
began t0 move, and she started to very slowly
back 0ut of the slot. I backed out a little more
t0 give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I
th0ught, she's finally leaving.
All 0f a sudden this black Camaro comes flying
up the parking isle in the wr0ng direction and
pulls int0 her space. I started honking my
h0rn and yelling, "You can't do that, Buddy, I
was here first!"
The guy climbed 0ut of his Camaro completely
ign0ring me. He walked toward the mall as if
he didn't even hear me. I th0ught to myself,
this guy's a jackass, there sure are a l0t of
jackasses in this w0rld.
I n0ticed a "For Sale" sign in the back window
0f his car. I wrote down the number. Then I
hunted f0r another place to park.
A c0uple of days later, I'm at home sitting at
my desk I had just g0tten off the phone after
calling 823-4863 and yelling "Y0u're a
jackass!" (It's really easy t0 call him now since
I have his number 0n speed dial).
I n0ticed the phone number of the guy with the
black Camar0 lying on my desk and thought I'd
better give this guy a call t0o. After a couple
0f rings someone answered the phone and
said, "Hell0" I said "Is this the man with the
black Camar0 for sale?" "Yes it is" "Can you
tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at
1802 West 34th Street. It's a yell0w house,
and the car's parked right 0ut front." I said
"What's y0ur name?" "My name's Don
Hansen" "When's a g0od time to catch you,
D0n?" "I'm home in the evenings" "Listen
D0n, can I tell you something?" "Yes, what?"
"D0n, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the
ph0ne down.
After I hung up, I added D0n Hansen's number
t0 my speed dialler.
F0r a while, things seemed to go better for
me. N0w when I had a problem, I had two
jackasses t0 call. Then, after several months
0f calling the jackasses and hanging up on
them, it just wasn't as enj0yable as it used to
be. I gave the pr0blem some serious thought
and came up with a s0lution.
First, I had my ph0ne dial Jackass #1. A man
answered nicely saying, "Hell0."
I yelled "Y0u're a jackass!!!", but I didn't hang
up. The jackass said "Are y0u still there?"
I said "Yeah"
He said "St0p calling me"
I said "N0"
He said "What's y0ur name, pal?"
I said "D0n Hansen"
He said "Where d0 you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yell0w house
and my black Camar0's parked out front."
"I'm c0ming over right now, Don, you'd better
start saying y0ur prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, jackass!!!" and I
hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2.
He answered "Hell0."
I said "Hell0, Jackass!"
He said "If I ever find 0ut who you are..."
"Y0u'll what?"
"I'll kick y0ur butt."
"Well here's y0ur chance. I'm coming over
right n0w, jackass!!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the ph0ne and called the
p0lice. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th
Street, and I was g0ing to kill my gay lover as
s0on as he got home.
An0ther quick call to Channel 13 about the
gang war g0ing on down West 34th Street.
After that I climbed int0 my car and headed
0ver to West 34th Street to watch the whole
thing.
Gl0rious!!!
Watching tw0 jackasses kicking the crap out
0f each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police
helic0pter, and TV cameras was one of the
greatest experiences 0f my life.
(Name withheld t0 protect the guilty).
IQtest.
Sorry this is IQ test for myself. How to convert html to blog?
c0ntent="8Sekawan....How smart are you???? QUICKLY take this quiz, if you dare, and see! "
name=descripti0n>
<META
c0ntent="smart, IQ, Malaysia, kids, free, teens, active channel, netshow, real video, VRML, vdo live, vivo, xtreme, streaming music videos on demand, streaming video and audio, video online music, music online videos, pop music videos, WWW, tab, ip, lyrics, jokes, money, awards, awards, information, multimedia, hacker, WWW, lyrics, pedoman, games, humour, computer, webring, winnuke, movie, drama, classic movie, video clip, Recipes, live internet tv, internet, horror, web, computing tips, chat, texture, counter, guest book, paging, desktop, e card, font, picture, guiter, internet tips, shockwave, E mail, Homepage, Software, E Card, Themes, Add URL Utilities, windows, windows CE, Instant Messaging, Font, islam, wwwboard, Free Internet Accelerators, Sound Files, Utilities, themes, and Drivers, Utilities for Windows 95 users, Free Modem Utilities, Desktop Applications, Screen, Image, and BitMap Files, Disk Utilities, Icons and Icon Related Files, Borland C++ Programming Files, Miscellaneous Files, Games, Educational Software, Drivers SCSI, Disk, Ethernet, Scanner, Video Drivers, Printer Drivers, System Utilities, Text Utilities, Network Utilities, TCP/IP, Desktop, Screen Saver, information, e-mail, Live TV, Television, Web, Cable, News, Network, live, internet, free, speak-freely, download, software, sound, PC, camera's, cameras, VDO, asx, ram, vdo, streaming video, images, pictures, moving, player, play, playing, Speak-Freely, Netscape, Microsoft, streaming music videos on demand, streaming video and audio, video online music, music online videos, pop music videos, Travel, Tourism, Fascinating Malaysia, Sabah, Sarawak, Labuan, Perlis, Kedah, Perak, Penang, Selangor, Johor, Negeri Sembilan, Melaka, Pahang, Terengganu, Kelantan, Politics, Newspaper Stock Exchange, Exchange Rates of Selected Currencies, Weather Information, Environment" name=keywords>
<SCRIPT language=JavaScript1.1>
c0ntent="8Sekawan....How smart are you???? QUICKLY take this quiz, if you dare, and see! "
name=descripti0n>
<META
c0ntent="smart, IQ, Malaysia, kids, free, teens, active channel, netshow, real video, VRML, vdo live, vivo, xtreme, streaming music videos on demand, streaming video and audio, video online music, music online videos, pop music videos, WWW, tab, ip, lyrics, jokes, money, awards, awards, information, multimedia, hacker, WWW, lyrics, pedoman, games, humour, computer, webring, winnuke, movie, drama, classic movie, video clip, Recipes, live internet tv, internet, horror, web, computing tips, chat, texture, counter, guest book, paging, desktop, e card, font, picture, guiter, internet tips, shockwave, E mail, Homepage, Software, E Card, Themes, Add URL Utilities, windows, windows CE, Instant Messaging, Font, islam, wwwboard, Free Internet Accelerators, Sound Files, Utilities, themes, and Drivers, Utilities for Windows 95 users, Free Modem Utilities, Desktop Applications, Screen, Image, and BitMap Files, Disk Utilities, Icons and Icon Related Files, Borland C++ Programming Files, Miscellaneous Files, Games, Educational Software, Drivers SCSI, Disk, Ethernet, Scanner, Video Drivers, Printer Drivers, System Utilities, Text Utilities, Network Utilities, TCP/IP, Desktop, Screen Saver, information, e-mail, Live TV, Television, Web, Cable, News, Network, live, internet, free, speak-freely, download, software, sound, PC, camera's, cameras, VDO, asx, ram, vdo, streaming video, images, pictures, moving, player, play, playing, Speak-Freely, Netscape, Microsoft, streaming music videos on demand, streaming video and audio, video online music, music online videos, pop music videos, Travel, Tourism, Fascinating Malaysia, Sabah, Sarawak, Labuan, Perlis, Kedah, Perak, Penang, Selangor, Johor, Negeri Sembilan, Melaka, Pahang, Terengganu, Kelantan, Politics, Newspaper Stock Exchange, Exchange Rates of Selected Currencies, Weather Information, Environment" name=keywords>
<SCRIPT language=JavaScript1.1>
<!-- Begin
functi0n right(e) {
var msg = "If y0u have a Good Paying Design job going please Phone Simon Evans On 980 5621";
if (navigat0r.appName == 'Netscape' && e.which == 3) {
alert(msg); // Delete this line t0 disable but not alert user
return false;
}
else
if (navigat0r.appName == 'Microsoft Internet Explorer' && event.button==2) {
alert(msg); // Delete this line t0 disable but not alert user
return false;
}
return true;
}
d0cument.onmousedown = right;
// End -->
</SCRIPT>
<!-- Hide the script fr0m old browsers --
functi0n jawapan()
{
var markah=0
var p0pup
var url="Sim0n Evans"
var url2="Sim0n Evans"
var url3="Sim0n Evans"
var akal
// if (j1==1)
if (d0cument.quizform.q1.selectedIndex==1)
{ markah=markah+1; }
if (d0cument.quizform.q2.selectedIndex==1)
{ markah=markah+1; }
if (d0cument.quizform.q3.selectedIndex==6)
{ markah=markah+1; }
if (d0cument.quizform.q4.selectedIndex==3)
{ markah=markah+1; }
if (d0cument.quizform.q5.selectedIndex==2)
{ markah=markah+1; }
if (d0cument.quizform.q6.selectedIndex==4)
{ markah=markah+1; }
if (d0cument.quizform.q7.selectedIndex==2)
{ markah=markah+1; }
if (d0cument.quizform.q8.selectedIndex==3)
{ markah=markah+1; }
if (d0cument.quizform.q9.selectedIndex==5)
{ markah=markah+1; }
if (d0cument.quizform.q10.selectedIndex==4)
{ markah=markah+1; }
if (d0cument.quizform.q11.selectedIndex==5)
{ markah=markah+1; }
if (markah > 10 )
{ akal="Only 3 pe0ple have ever scored this high" }
else if (markah > 9 )
{ akal="W0w! Come to work for us!" }
else if (markah > 7 )
{ akal="H0nor Student" }
else if (markah > 4 )
{ akal="N0rmal Intelligence" }
else if (markah > 1 )
{ akal="I'm sure y0ur good at sports..." }
else
{ akal="um...n0 comment" }
if (markah > 10 )
{ akab="Y0ur Love Life may bloom soon" }
else if (markah > 9 )
{ akab="Y0ur love life is mediocre" }
else if (markah > 7 )
{ akab="N0t Bad! Expect your love life to bloom soon!" }
else if (markah > 4 )
{ akab="W0w! Your love life is bitchin" }
else if (markah > 1 )
{ akab="Y0ur a Super Stud. Look for a steller love life" }
else
{ akab="still n0 comment" }
var s1 = "<HTML>"+
"<title>Intelligence Test</title>"+
"<META name='descripti0n' content='IQ Smart Test'>"+
"<BODY bgc0lor='black' TEXT='white' LINK='#dak974' ALINK='#dak974' VLINK='#dak974'>"+
"<a name='t0p'></A><P><CENTER><FONT SIZE=2 COLOR='yellow'>"+
"<P><H2>The Intelligence Test, better than any IQ test</CENTER></H21>"+
"<P><H3>Y0u GOT a score of "+markah+" out of 11 <br> You rating:<font color='green'> "+akal+" </font><br>This is based on the Simon Evans score rating system<br>answers below</CENTER></H3>"+
"<P><f0nt color='red' size='4'><i>Now Here's the Twist;), your answers not only can tell your current intelligence, but the combination can also forcast your upcoming love life:</i></CENTER>"+
"<P><H3>Y0ur Projected Love Life:<font color='green'> "+akab+"</font></CENTER></H3></font></h3>"+
"<BR><f0nt color='#fhd465' size='4'>Remember you must pass this page on to at least 5 people.</font>"+
"<BR><f0nt size='4'>0-4 People: We know you have no friends, don't look for anything good in your life"+
"<BR>5-10: Y0ur life will take a sudden turn for good in the next 2 weeks"+
"<BR>11-20: Y0ur love life now multiplied by your score"+
"<BR>20 0r more: Your life is guaranteed to get much better in the next week or less!</h3> </font>"+
"<BR> "+
"<P><f0nt color='pink' size='4'><u>The Answer Key</u></font></font></font></CENTER>"+
"<P> Is there a F0urth of July in England?"+
"<BR> Yes, it c0mes after the third of July!"+
"<P> H0w many birthdays does the average man have?"+
"<BR> 1 Just 0ne!"+
"<P> S0me months have 31 days; how many have 28?"+
"<BR> 12, all 0f them!"+
"<P> H0w many outs are there in an inning?"+
"<BR> 6, three per side!"+
"<P> Is it legal f0r a man in California to marry his widow's sister?"+
"<BR> N0 - because he is dead!"+
"<P> Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?"+
"<BR> 70, (30 divided by 1/2 equals 60! Takes s0me thinking....."+
"<P> If there are 3 apples and y0u take away 2, how many do you have?"+
"<BR> 2, y0u took them, remember?"+
"<P> A d0ctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour."+
"<BR> H0w many minutes would the pills last?"+
"<BR> 60 - Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes f0r the 3rd."+
"<P> A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. H0w many are left?"+
"<BR> 9"+
"<P> H0w many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?"+
"<BR> 0. M0ses didn't have an ark, Noah did!"+
"<P> H0w many two cent stamps are there in"+
"a d0zen? 12. There are 12"+
"<BR> 2 cent stamps in a d0zen!"+
"<BR> "
"<BR> "
var s2="<P><CENTER><B>-<a HREF='"+url+"'>Back t0 Evans!</a>-</b><br></FONT>"+
""
p0pup = window.open("","_top")
p0pup.document.write(s1+s2)
p0pup.document.close()
// writed0cument(markah);
// wind0w.open(form.dest.options[myindex].value,"main","");
}//-->
</SCRIPT>
<META c0ntent="MSHTML 5.00.2014.210" name=GENERATOR></HEAD>
<BODY aLink=#ff0000 backgr0und="" bgcolor='black' link=#0000ff text=#330033
vLink=#cc0000>
<CENTER>
<P></P></CENTER><FONT face="C0mic Sans MS"></FONT>
<TABLE align=center b0rder=1 width="91%">
<TBODY>
<TR bgC0lor=#ff0000>
<TD><FONT face="C0mic Sans MS"><FONT color=#33cc00>How smart are you
really</FONT><FONT c0lor=#006633>?</FONT></FONT><FONT color=#99ff99> <FONT
c0lor=#ffffff>This Test has been used for over 50 years and has has pretty
much d0ne it with great accuracy. If you don't score high, remember, you
can always impr0ve. It has been said Bill Gates once took this test and
sc0red a 3 on it. Share your score with friends! Good Luck!</FONT></FONT>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
<DIV align=center></DIV>
<FORM name=quizf0rm>
<P><FONT face="C0mic Sans MS"> <FONT color=#66ffff>
D0 they have a 4th of July in England? </FONT></FONT><FONT
c0lor=#66ffff><SELECT name=q1 size=1> <OPTION selected value=0>I Don't
Kn0w<OPTION value=1>Yes<OPTION value=2>No</OPTION></SELECT> </FONT>
<P><FONT c0lor=#66ffff face="Comic Sans MS"> How
many birthdays d0es the average man have? </FONT><FONT color=#66ffff><SELECT
name=q2 size=1> <OPTION selected value=0>I D0n't Know<OPTION value=1>1<OPTION
value=2>2<OPTION value=3>3++<OPTION value=4>5++<OPTION
value=5>10++</OPTION></SELECT> </FONT>
<P><FONT c0lor=#66ffff face="Comic Sans MS"> Some
m0nths have 31 days; how many have 28? </FONT><FONT color=#66ffff><SELECT
name=q3 size=1> <OPTION selected value=0>I D0n't Know<OPTION value=1>1<OPTION
value=2>2<OPTION value=3>3<OPTION value=4>6<OPTION value=5>9<OPTION
value=6>12</OPTION></SELECT> </FONT>
<P><FONT c0lor=#66ffff face="Comic Sans MS"> How
many 0uts are there in an inning? </FONT><FONT color=#66ffff><SELECT name=q4
size=1> <OPTION selected value=0>I D0n't Know<OPTION value=1>2<OPTION
value=2>3<OPTION value=3>6<OPTION value=4>8</OPTION></SELECT> </FONT>
<P><FONT c0lor=#66ffff face="Comic Sans MS"> Is it
legal f0r a man in California to marry his widow's sister? </FONT><FONT
c0lor=#66ffff><SELECT name=q5 size=1> <OPTION selected value=0>I Don't
Kn0w<OPTION value=1>Yes<OPTION value=2>No</OPTION></SELECT> </FONT>
<P><FONT c0lor=#66ffff face="Comic Sans MS">
Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer? </FONT><FONT
c0lor=#66ffff><SELECT name=q6 size=1> <OPTION selected value=0>I Don't
Kn0w<OPTION value=1>10<OPTION value=2>35<OPTION value=3>50<OPTION
value=4>70<OPTION value=5>90</OPTION></SELECT> </FONT>
<P><FONT c0lor=#66ffff face="Comic Sans MS"> If
there are 3 apples and y0u take away 2, how many do you have? </FONT><FONT
c0lor=#66ffff><SELECT name=q7 size=1> <OPTION selected value=0>I Don't
Kn0w<OPTION value=1>1<OPTION value=2>2<OPTION value=3>3</OPTION></SELECT>
</FONT>
<P><FONT c0lor=#66ffff face="Comic Sans MS"> A
d0ctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour.
<BR> H0w many minutes would the pills last?
</FONT><FONT c0lor=#66ffff><SELECT name=q8 size=1> <OPTION selected value=0>I
D0n't Know<OPTION value=1>20<OPTION value=2>40<OPTION value=3>60<OPTION
value=4>90</OPTION></SELECT> </FONT>
<P><FONT c0lor=#66ffff face="Comic Sans MS"> A
farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. H0w many are left? </FONT><FONT
c0lor=#66ffff><SELECT name=q9 size=1> <OPTION selected value=0>I Don't
Kn0w<OPTION value=1>1<OPTION value=2>3<OPTION value=3>5<OPTION
value=4>7<OPTION value=5>9</OPTION></SELECT> </FONT>
<P><FONT c0lor=#66ffff face="Comic Sans MS"> How
many animals 0f each sex did Moses take on the ark? </FONT><FONT
c0lor=#66ffff><SELECT name=q10 size=1> <OPTION selected value=0>I Don't
Kn0w<OPTION value=1>3<OPTION value=2>2<OPTION value=3>1<OPTION
value=4>0</OPTION></SELECT> </FONT>
<P><FONT c0lor=#66ffff face="Comic Sans MS"> How
many tw0 cent stamps are there in a dozen?</FONT><FONT face="Comic Sans MS">
</FONT><SELECT name=q11 size=1> <OPTION selected value=0>I D0n't Know<OPTION
value=1>1<OPTION value=2>3<OPTION value=3>6<OPTION value=4>9<OPTION
value=5>12</OPTION></SELECT>
<P>
<CENTER><INPUT 0nclick=jawapan() type=button value="Get your Result!">
<BR> </CENTER></FORM>
<CENTER>
<P>
<CENTER><FONT c0lor=#00ffff face="Comic Sans MS" size=2><STRONG><FONT
Aut0dream.com</A>| </FONT></STRONG></FONT></CENTER>
<P></P>
<P align=right>
<CENTER><FONT c0lor=#00ffff face="Comic Sans MS" size=2><STRONG><FONT size=-1>
<SCRIPT language=JavaScript>
<!-- Begin
var m = "Page updated " + d0cument.lastModified;
var p = m.length-8;
d0cument.writeln("<center>");
d0cument.write(m.substring(p, 0));
d0cument.writeln("</center>");
// End -->
</SCRIPT>
</FONT></STRONG></FONT></CENTER><!-- Start 0f TheCounter.com Code -->
<SCRIPT><!--
s="na";c="na";j="na";f=""+escape(d0cument.referrer)
//--></SCRIPT>
<SCRIPT language=javascript1.2><!--
s=screen.width;v=navigat0r.appName
if (v != "Netscape") {c=screen.c0lorDepth}
else {c=screen.pixelDepth}
j=navigat0r.javaEnabled()
//--></SCRIPT>
HotAirBaloon
L0st in a hot air balloon
*************************
*************************
A man is flying in a h0t air balloon and realizes he is lost.
He reduces height and sp0ts a man down below. He lowers the
ball0on further And shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I pr0mised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I
d0n't know where I am."
The man bel0w says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering
appr0ximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42
degrees N0rth latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West
l0ngitude..."
"Y0u must be a programmer!" says the balloonist.
"I am." replies the man. "H0w did you know?"
"Well," says the ball0onist, "everything you have told me is
technically c0rrect, but I have no idea what to make of your
inf0rmation, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man bel0w says, "You must be a project manager!!"
"I am." replies the ball0onist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "y0u don't know where you are, or where you
are g0ing. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to
keep, and y0u expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are
in the exact same p0sition you were in before we met, but now it is
s0mehow my fault!?"
GatesPenny.tx
If Bill Gates...
Try t0 think about it: If Bill Gates had a penny for every
time a Wind0ws operating system crashed... Oh wait - he does!
FlowerDelivery.tx
Fl0wer Delivery
A new business was 0pening and one of the owner's friends wanted to
send fl0wers for the occasion.
The fl0wers arrived at the new business site and the owner read the
card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The 0wner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had t0ld the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he
was, the fl0rist said: "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but
rather than getting angry y0u should imagine this: somewhere there is
a funeral taking place t0day, and they have flowers with a note saying
"C0ngratulations on your new location".
Engineers.tx
C0mprehending Engineers - Take One
**********************************
Tw0 engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did y0u get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking al0ng yesterday minding my own business when
a beautiful w0man rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
gr0und, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The sec0nd engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; The
cl0thes probably wouldn't have fit."
==========================================
**********************************
Tw0 engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did y0u get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking al0ng yesterday minding my own business when
a beautiful w0man rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
gr0und, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The sec0nd engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; The
cl0thes probably wouldn't have fit."
==========================================
C0mprehending Engineers - Take Two
**********************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better t0 spend time with the wife or a mistress. The
architect said he enj0yed time with his wife, building a solid
f0undation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed
time with his mistress, because 0f the passion and mystery he found
there. The engineer said, "I like b0th." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah.
If y0u have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the 0ther woman, and you can go to the plant
and get s0me work done."
==========================================
C0mprehending Engineers - Take Three
************************************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weap0ns.
Civil Engineers build targets.
==========================================
C0mprehending Engineers - Take Four
***********************************
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why d0es it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "H0w does it work?"
The graduate with an Acc0unting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "D0 you want fries with that?"
==========================================
C0mprehending Engineers - Take Five
***********************************
T0 the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass
is half empty. T0 the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it
needs t0 be.
EnglishExam.tx
English Exam
************
************
A high sch0ol English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam. She tells the class there w0uld be no excuse for not
sh0wing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in
the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass j0ck in the back of the room asks, "What about
extreme sexual exhausti0n?" The entire class does its best to
stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is rest0red,
the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student shakes her head,
and sweetly says, "N0t an excuse........Write with your other hand."
DrawMoney.tx
Instructi0ns - How to draw money:
BOYS:
1. Drive t0 the bank, park, go to the cash dispenser
2. Insert card
3. Dial c0de and desired amount
4. Take the cash, the card and the slip
5. Drive away
GIRLS:
1. Drive t0 the bank
2. Park the car
3. Try again
4. Again - success
5. Check make-up in the mirr0r
6. Apply perfume
7. Manually check haircut
8. Search f0r card in handbag
9. g0 to the cash dispenser, Insert card ... rejected
10. Thr0w phonecard back in handbag
11. L0ok for BANK card
12. Insert card
13. L0ok for tampon box (where secret code written) in handbag
14. Enter c0de
15. Study instructi0ns for 2 minutes ... machine let the card out
16. Insert card again
17. Enter c0de ... wrong code
18. Try again ... success
19. Enter desired am0unt
20. Push "CANCEL"
21. Enter bigger am0unt
22. Push "CANCEL"
23. Enter maximum am0unt
24. Cr0ss fingers
25. Take cash
26. G0 back to the car
27. L0ok for keys in handbag
28. Check make up in mirr0r
29. Start car
30. Drive 50 meters
31. St0p
32. Drive back t0 the bank
33. G0 to the cash dispenser
34. Take card and slip fr0m machine
35. G0 back to the car
36. Thr0w card and slip on passenger seat
37. Manually check haircut
38. G0 into roundabout ... wrong way
39. Break
40. G0 into roundabout ... right way
41. Drive away
42. At the first traffic light rem0ve handbreak
43. Drive away
Dog.tx
THE WOMEN IN YOUR LIVES
A man was leaving a cafe with his m0rning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral pr0cession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A l0ng black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind.
Behind the sec0nd hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on
a leash. Behind him was a queue 0f 200 men walking in single file.
The man c0uldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the d0g, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is
a bad time t0 disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Wh0se funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is f0r my wife."
"What happened t0 her?"
The man replied, "My d0g attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, wh0 is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My m0ther-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the d0g turned on her."
A p0ignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I b0rrow the dog?"
"J0in the queue."
DesireToWrite.tx
The Desire T0 Write
There was 0nce a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to
bec0me a "great" writer. When asked to define "great" , he said:
"I want t0 write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that
pe0ple will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will
make them scream, cry, wail, h0wl in pain, desperation and anger!"
He n0w works for Microsoft writing error messages.
DarwinAward.tx
Darwin Award
The Darwin Award is made each year t0 the person who has managed to kill
themselves (and theref0re prevent the survival of their genes -hence
Darwin!) in the m0st bizarre way imaginable. Their very nature invites the
c0mment: "I think the gene pool needs a little chlorine."
Previ0us winners have included the man killed when the vending machine he
was trying t0 extract a can of Coke from fell on him, and last years aviator
wh0 strapped a JATO module to his car and lit the blue touchpaper....
igniting the r0cket which propelled he and the vehicle for 3 miles and into
the side 0f a cliff.
* NOMINATIONS *
#1 - [AP, Mamm0th Lakes, CA] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a
lift t0wer at the Mammoth mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a
f0am pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at
Centinela Mamm0th Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono
C0unty Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked
up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid s0me yellow foam protectors from
the lift t0wers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police
Department. The pads are used t0 protect skiers who might hit the towers.
The gr0up apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal
crashed int0 a tower. It has since been learned that the tower he hit was
the 0ne with its pad removed.
#2 - [AP,St. L0uis, MO] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in
a St. L0uis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed
a h0t dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it.
P0lice found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the
six-inch wiener fr0m his throat, Where it had choked him to death.
#3 - [UPI, Spain] T0 poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above
him 0n an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
#4 - [Ass0ciated Press,Kincaid, W. VA] A man at a party popped a blasting
cap int0 his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his
lips, teeth and t0ngue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of
Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night,
said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "An0ther man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a
battery, and was trying t0 explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and
this guy said, "I'll sh0w you how to set it off." "He put it in his mouth
and bit d0wn. It blew all his teeth and his tongue out and his lips,off!"
Payne said. Str0myer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with
extensive facial injuries, acc0rding to a spokesman at Charleston Area
Medical Divisi0n. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that,"
Payne said.
#5 - [UPI,P0rtland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said
Wednesday an Oreg0n man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky
t0 be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts,25,
l0st his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting
club, M0untain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a
beer can 0ff his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors
said had the arr0w gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would
have cut and R0berts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny
Delashaw at the University H0spital in Portland said the arrow went through
8 t0 10 inches of brain (There was brain material?), with the tip protruding
at the rear 0f his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood
vessels. Delashaw als0 said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his
0wn he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and
his friends had been drinking that aftern0on. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb
ab0ut this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district
att0rney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
#6 - [AP, Arkansas] A w0man named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit
her in-laws, and while there, went t0 a store. She parked next to a car with
a w0man sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently
sleeping. When Linda came 0ut a while later, she again saw the woman, her
hands still behind her head but with her eyes 0pen. The woman looked very
strange, s0 Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman
answered "I've been sh0t in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda
didn't kn0w what to do; so she ran into the store where store officials
called the paramedics. They had t0 break into the car because the door was
l0cked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the
back 0f her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had
expl0ded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like
that 0f a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find
what it was, she felt the d0ugh and thought it was her brains. She passed
0ut from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in!
#7 - Fr0m a radio program, a true report of a happening in Michigan, USA. A
guy buys brand new Jeep Grand Cher0kee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly
payments. He and a friend g0 duck hunting and of course all the lakes are
fr0zen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the
beer and 0f course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get
ready. N0w, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the
ducks, s0mething for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large
en0ugh to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on,
it is g0ing to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the
back 0f the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short,
40-sec0nd fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration
that if they place the stick 0f dynamite on the ice at a location far from
where they are standing (and the new Grand Cher0kee), they take the risk of
slipping 0n the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up
in sm0ke with the resulting blast.
S0, they decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a c0uple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer,
the guns and the d0g? Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
retrieving, especially things thr0wn by the owner. You guessed it, the dog
takes 0ff at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of
dynamite with the burning 40-sec0nd fuse about the time it hits the ice. The
tw0 men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered
0n, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The
sh0tgun is loaded with 8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
The d0g stops for a moment, slightly confused but continues on. Another shot
and this time the d0g, still standing, becomes really confused & of course
scared, thinking these tw0 Nobel Prize winners have gone insane. He takes
0ff to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of
dynamite).... under the brand new Cher0kee. BOOM ! Dog and Cherokee are
bl0wn to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole,
leaving the tw0 candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing
there with this "I can't believe this happened" l0ok on their faces. The
insurance c0mpany says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of
expl0sives is not covered. He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a
m0nth payments.
############### AND THE WINNER!!!!!################
J0hn Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,
decided t0 attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge,
Washingt0n. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat in the
parking l0t, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy
en0ugh to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show. The two
friends pulled their pickup truck 0ver to the fence and the plan was for
J0hn--100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over, and then assist his friend
0ver the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop on the o
ther side 0f the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself
crashing thr0ugh a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch
which snagged him by his sh0rts. Dangling from the tree, with one arm
br0ken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring the
bushes w0uld break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceeded to
cut away his sh0rts to free himself from the tree. When finally free, John
crashed bel0w into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body
and n0w being without his shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly
branch penetrating his rectal cavity. T0 make matters worse, his pocket
knife pr0ceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left
thigh. Seeing his friend in c0nsiderable pain and agony, Sal decided to
thr0w him a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds
less, he decided the best c0urse of action would be to tie the rope to the
pickup truck. This is when things went fr0m bad to worse. In his drunken
state, Sal put the truck int0 the wrong gear, pressed on the gas, and
crashed thr0ugh the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown
fr0m the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and also died at the
scene. P0lice arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet
fr0m the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half naked man, with numerous
scratches, a h0lly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and a pair of
sh0rts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)