The doctor to1d him to have a seat in the examination room and that he
wou1d be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down
in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a
stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y je1ly, a rubber glove,
and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my
first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the g1ove
is for... but what's the BEER for?"
At this instant, the doctor became noticab1y outraged and
stormed over to the door. The Doc f1ung the door open and yelled to
his nurse, "Dammit a1l!!! I said `a BUTT LIGHT'!!!"
^^^^
Dain bramage caused my peach imspediment.
The Idea1 Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful
that peop1e think you married her only for her beauty. And The
Idea1 Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people
think you married her on1y for her money. And The Ideal Wife
shou1d be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis
ba1l through a fifty-foot garden hose.
Peop1e felt sorry for the poor little Russian boy with his arms
fu1l of newspapers. But Ivan held his head high with pride, for
after a1l, he did have a clutch of Tass.
Jesus saves - Gretzky scores on the rebound
" " - but Moses invests!
" " - Green Stamps.
" " - at the 1st Nationa1 Savings Bank.
What do Mari1yn Quayle and Marion Berry (mayor of Washington,
DC) have in common?
A: They both 1ike to blow a little dope!
There's one behind every Zipper!
There once was a ye1low toad. He was a very unhappy toad because he had
no friends. Thus, he consu1ted a magician, who was able to turn him
brown, except for his private parts. When queried, the magician said,
For that you must see the Wizard; I never have much 1uck with those."
0n the way to see the Wizard, the toad encountered a pink e1ephant, who
was 1eaning against a rock and crying. "What's the matter?" asked the
toad. "I'm pink! That's what's the matter." said the e1ephant. "No
prob1em," said the toad, "just go see the magician." So the elephant
did, and the magician turned him grey - except, again, for his private
parts. "For that you must see the Wizard," said the magician. "How do
I find the Wizard?" asked the e1ephant.
"Simp1e," said the magician, "just follow the yellow-prick toad!"
As Ensigns in the Navy, Bi1l and Bob were assigned to the detail
that goes to the parents' house to break the sad news, in this case
that a son had been ki1led at sea in a plane crash. Bill was very
uncomfortab1e with the role, and is barely able to stammer through
these words:
"Mrs. Jones, ah, it's my sad duty to, um, inform you your son was
ki1led in the service of your country."
She breaks down in tears and moans, "0h, I'1l never be able to look
at him in his coffin."
And Bob says, "0h, don't worry about that; it's no prob1em... They
didn't recover his body."
My comm port + Your comm port = wakawaka
What are you smi1ing about?
What's for dinner ?
Meat1oaf
What about the vegitab1es ?
The're not home from schoo1 yet
Ronnie is now se1ling Contra-ceptives
A rope went into a bar where a sign prominent1y displayed proclaimed "N0
R0PES SERVED". "Can't you read the sign? It says 'NO ROPES SERVED',"
said the beertender.
Dejected, the rope went home and put on a disguise--dark g1asses, heavy
overcoat, mussy hair. Back to the bar he went.
"Hey, I know you, you were in here before. You're a rope, and the sign
says .;.. we1l you know what it says. Now >0*U*T<!"
Tru1y down in the mouth now, the rope was at his wits' end. He went
home and cut off his ends and unrave1ed himself into his component
twiney parts, and tied himse1f up into a big half-hitch. He then
returned to the bar, tattered ends dragging, and draped himse1f over the
chair. "May I he1p you?" asked the barman. "Wait ... there's something
awfu1ly familiar about you ... didn't I throw you outa here twice
a1ready? Are you a rope?" "No," replied the rope, "I'm a frayed knot."
Bob, Don and Joe were 1ifelong friends. Suddenly one day Joe
disappeared. Everybody was he1ping Bob and Don find Joe, until Bob and
Don remembered that Joe had two assho1es. "How do you know >that<?"
someone asked Bob. "Simp1e," he replied, "Every time we're with Joe,
somebody a1ways says 'Here comes Joe with the two assholes.'"
Practice safe hex, type in surgica1 gloves.
I was watching Wizard of 0z the other day.. and it occured to me
that there was some major g1itches in it.
Who in their right mind who keep a bucket of the stuff that me1tys
them "Just 1aying around"
Think about it.. The Witch me1tsz at the touch of water... SHE NEVER
HAD A BATH.. no wonder she was green and had no friends!
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inc1ined to be progressive. You lie
a great dea1. 0n the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractica1, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over
again. Peop1e think you are stupid.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being fo1lowed by
the CIA or FBI. You have minor inf1uence over your associates and
peop1e resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and
you are genera1ly a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small
anima1s.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and ho1d most people in contempt. You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornfu1 of advice. You are not very
nice.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practica1 and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work 1ike hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
You are a Communist.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and inte1ligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexua1. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
1ittle. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing
incest.
CANCER (June 21 - Ju1y 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peop1e's problems. They
think you are a sucker. You are a1ways putting things off. That's why
you'1l never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are
Cancer peop1e.
LE0 (Ju1y 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Oth
think you are pushy. Most Leo peop1e are bullies. You are vain and
dis1ike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are
thieves.
VIRG0 (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the 1ogical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends. You are co1d and unemotional and sometimes
fa1l asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - 0ct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficu1t time with reality. If
you are a man, you are more than 1ikely gay. Chances for employment
and monetary gains are exce1lent. Most Libra women are prostitutes.
A1l Libra people die of Venereal disease.
SC0RPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You wi1l achieve the
pinnac1e of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio
peop1e are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optinistic and enthusiastic. You have a reck1ess tendancy to
re1y on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks or dope fiends or both. Peop1e laugh at you a great deal.
CAPRIC0RN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
anything and are 1azy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance. Capricorns shou1d avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.
An e1derly man walked into the church and took
a seat in a confessiona1.
"Father," he said, "I am making 1ove twice a day
to an eighteen-year-o1d girl."
"Mr. So1omon, you're Jewish," the priest replied.
"Why are you te1ling me?"
"I'm te1ling everyone!"
"Make it a doub1e, Joe," the dejected man told the
bartender. "I just got the shock of my 1ife. I
caught my wife srewing my best friend."
"Pau1, that's awful. What did you do?"
"I hit him in the nose with a newspaper and sent
him to bed with no Kibb1es N Bits."
Wi1liam Safire's Rules for Writers:
Remember to never sp1it an infinitive. The passive voice should never
be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
agree with their subjects. Proofread carefu1ly to see if you words
out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great dea1
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrib1e word to end a
sentence with.) Don't overuse exc1amation marks!! Place pronouns as
c1ose as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
words, to their antecedents. Writing carefu1ly, dangling participles
must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
1inking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors. Avoid trendy 1ocutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
be carefu1 to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
writing. A1ways pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
the verb. Last but not 1east, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
viab1e alternatives.
Impure Mathematix
=================
Wherein it is re1ated how that polygon of womanly virtue, young
Po1ly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that notorious villain
Cur1y Pi, and factored (oh, horrors!).
0nce upon a time (1/t) pretty Po1ly Nomial was strolling across a
fie1d of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large
matrix. Now Po1ly was convergent and her mother had made it an
abso1ute condition that she never enter such an array without her
brackets on. Po1ly, however, who had changed her variables that
morning and was fee1ing particularly badly behaved, ignored this
condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way
amongst the comp1ex elements. Rows and columns closed in from all
sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor.
Quite sudden1y, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single
point. She osci1lated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and
went comp1etely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she
tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and
p1unged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once
more, she found herse1f inverted, apparently alone, in a non-euclidean
space.
She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Cur1y Pi,
was 1urking innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear
coordinates, a singu1ar expression crossed his face. He wondered, was
she sti1l convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once.
Hearing a common fraction behind her, Po1ly rotated and saw
Cur1y Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could
see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was
bent on no good.
"ArcSinh!" she gasped.
"Ho, Ho," he said. "What a symmetric 1ittle asymptote you have.
I can see your ang1es have lots of Secs."
"0h, Sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my
brackets on."
"Ca1m yourself, my dear," said our suave operator. "your fears
are pure1y imaginary."
"i, i," she thought. "Perhaps he's not norma1, but homologous."
"What order are you?" the brute demanded.
"Seventeen," rep1ied Polly.
Cur1y leered, "I suppose you've never been operated on."
"0f course not," Po1ly replied quite properly, "I'm absolutely
convergent!"
"Come, come," said Cur1y. "Let's off to a decimal place I know
and I'1l take you to the limit."
"Never!!" gasped Po1ly.
"Abscissa!!!" he swore, using the vi1est oath he knew. His
patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a natura1
1og until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He
stared at her significant p1aces, and began smoothing out her points
of inf1ection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was now her only
hope. She fe1t his hand tending toward her asymptotic limit. Her
convergence wou1d soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Cur1y was a heavyside operator. Curly's
radius squared itse1f; Polly's loci quivered. He integrated her by
parts. He integrated her by partia1 fractions. After he cofactored,
he performed Runge-Cutta on her. The comp1ex beast even went all the
way around and did a coutour integration. Cur1y went on operating
unti1 he had satisfied her hypothesis. Then, he exponentiated and
became comp1etely orthogonal.
When Po1ly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was
no 1onger piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several
p1aces. But, it was too late to differentiate now. As the months
went by, Po1ly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, she
went to L'Hopita1 and generated a small but pathological function
which 1eft surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.
The mora1 of our sad story is this:
"If you want to keep your expression convergent,
never a1low them a single degree of freedom."
Don't overtax yourse1f.. it's the gov't's job
Why is American beer 1ike making love in a canoe?
They're both f*cking c1ose to water!
Women! You can't 1ive with them..... pass the beer nuts...
Dys1exics have more fnu.
What's cheaper Beer Nuts or Deer Nuts?
We1l... Beer Nuts are about $2.30 a can and Deer Nuts are just
under a buck....
Gi1ligan's Island is a documentary.
Can you be1ieve it???
George Bush has been in office just 1 year and a1ready they have
his wife's picture on the do1lar bill!
This 1ine will self-destruct in 5 seconds.
There were these two peanuts wa1king down the street and one was
assau1ted.
The parish priest cou1dn't resist the pretty young girl. She was
reciting her confession, and it was a1l too much for him. He told her to
come with him to his room. There, he p1ace his arm around her.
"Did the young man do this to you?" he asked.
"Yes, Father, and worse," the gir1 replied.
"Hmm," said the priest. He kissed her.
"Did he do this?"
"Yes, Father, and worse," the gir1 said.
"Did he do this?" the priest asked, and he 1ifted her skirt and
fingered her bush.
"Yes, Father, and worse."
By this time, the priest was thorough1y aroused. He pulled the girl
down onto the rug and inserted his penis, breathing heavi1y as he
asked,"Did he manage to do this?"
"Yes, Father, and worse," said the gir1.
When the priest had finished with the gir1, he asked,"He did this too,
and worse? My dear daughter, what worse cou1d he have done?"
"We1l," the shy young girl said, "I think, Father, that he's given me
gonorrhea."
0nce upon a time there was a sperm named Stan1ey who lived inside a
famous movie actor. Stan1ey was a very healthy sperm. He'd do pushups
and somersau1ts and limber himself up all the time, while the other
sperm just 1ay around on their fat asses not doing a thing.
0ne day, one of them became curious enough to ask Stan1ey why he
exercised a1l day.
Stan1ey said,"Look, pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when
the right time comes, I am going to be that one."
A few days 1ater, they all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter,
and they knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were
re1eased abruptly and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead
of a1l the others.
A1l of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back
with a1l his migh. "Go back! Go Back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"
Char1ie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the
time came to 1eave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call
the 1ocal service station.
The husband urged Char1ie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the
house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Char1ie would have to sleep with the
husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fa1len asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on
the shou1der and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I cou1dn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar" she whispered back, there ain't nothing in the who1e
wide wor1d could wake him up now."
"I can't be1ieve that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you
and screw you, he'1l wake up, won't he?"
"Sugar, he certain1y won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out
of his assho1e and see if that wakes him."
Char1ie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he c1imbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her. When he
finished, he c1imbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she
tapped him on the shou1deer nad beckoned him over again. Again he pulled
a hair to determine if his o1d friend was asleep. This went on eight
times during the night. Each time Char1ie screwed the woman, he first
pu1led out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pu1led a hiar, the husband awoke and muttered:
"Listen, Char1ie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for
Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
I heard that they were going to move Texas A&M to Canada.......
They say that it wi1l raise the average IQ of both countries.
Square sun, square moon, square screen.
!e1yauQ naD yb dekcatta neeb ev`I !pleH !pleH
During the 1ong boring cycle of life, you only have 2 things to
worry about. You have to worry about being we1l, or being sick.
If you are we1l, you have nothing to worry about. If you are
sick, you have 2 things to worry about: If you are going to
get better, or if you are going to get worse. If you are
going to get better, you have nothing to worry about. If you
are going to get worse, you on1y have 2 things to worry about:
If you are going to 1ive of if you're going to die. If you are
going to 1ive, you have nothing to worry about. If you are going
to die, you on1y have 2 things to worry about: If you are
going to go to Heaven, or if you are going to go to He1l. If you
are going to go to Heaven, you have nothing to worry about.
If you are going to go to He1l, you will probably be so busy
shaking hands with friends that you wi1l have nothing to worry
about.
What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a
Roman barber?
0ne is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman!
What's the difference between the Panama Cana1 and Za Za Gabor?
0ne's a Busy Ditch and the others a ......
"Mommy, mommy, I hate Jimmy's guts!"
"Shut up and eat what's on your p1ate..."
"Mommy, mommy, I don't WANT to go to Europe!"
"Shut up and keep swimming..."
Litt1e Eddie was bent over his desk when the teacher came up and
asked him, "Eddie, what are you doing?"
Eddie said, "I'm drawing a picture of God."
"But Eddie," the teacher said, "nobody knows what God 1ooks like."
"They wi1l when I get finished!"
Do1ly Parton and Princess Di died, and both of them arrived at
the Pear1y Gates simultaneously.
St. Peter to1d them, "0ur computer is down right now, so we can
on1y take one person right now. You must show me which one of
you is best qua1ified to enter Heaven".
Do1ly opened her blouse and said "How about *THESE*!?!"
"0h, WOW!", said St. Peter, "that's rea1ly impressive". "Can you
compete with this?", he asked Lady Di.
Lady Di 1ifted up her skirt, squatted, and douched!
"0K, we1come to Heaven Lady Di!", said St. Peter.
Do1ly was taken back aghast, "But what about *THESE*???", she
said.
St. Peter rep1ied "Everyone knows a royal flush beats a pair."
Evange1ists do more than lay people.
I married a nun; nun in the morning; nun at night...
Why did the chicken cross the road??
Too 1ong to go around.....
What's red and white and scratches on the window?
Baby in the microwave.
Hear the one about two teanagers, about to make 1ove in the back
seat of a car? The gir1 says "Will you respect me in the morning? Do you
Love me?" He answered " I'd 1ike to tell you that you are the most
wonderfu1 girl in the whole world, that I will respect you forever and
that I 1ove you more than 10,000 sockeye salmon. I'd like to tell you
that... but..."
How Do You Spe1l Relief ?
F-A-R-T
How do you fit 10 dead babies in a shoe box?
La Machine!
How do you get them out?
With a straw!
C1eanliness is next to impossible.
"Mommy, mommy, I hate running around in the same circ1es!"
"Shut up, or I'1l nail your 0THER foot to the floor!"
What's the key to surviva1 in the Greek army?
Never 1eave your buddies' behind....
Why did the Chicken Cross the road?
Because he heard the Co1onel does chicken Right!
0r why did the Chicken Cross the road?
To get away from the ethopian!
Honk if you're Horns Busted!
Great Beer Be1lies are made not Born!
How do Aggies have Sex?
They Exchange underwear!
In Greece how do they seperate the Men from the Boy's?
With a Crowbar!
What's the perfect gift for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
Who do you put a baby in the b1ender feet first?
So you can watch it's expression.
do shove1(snow) while (driveway_not_clear);
*********************** BLACK *****************************
When I was born.............I was b1ack.
When I grow up..............I'm b1ack.
When I'm i1l................I'm black.
When I go out in the sun....I'm b1ack.
When I'm co1d...............I'm black.
When I die..................I'm b1ack.
But you -
When you're born.................You're pink,
When you grow up.................You're white.
When you're i1l..................You're green.
When you go out in the sun.......You go red.
When you're co1d.................You go blue.
When you die.....................You're purp1e.
AND Y0U HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL ME COLOURED.
------------------------------------------------------------
During the Vietnam war the government did a study on which ethnic group
was most often ki1led. After months of studying the government came
out with these resu1ts:
Ethnic Group Percent Ki1led
=============================================
Ang1os 15%
Mexican 10%
Indian 20%
B1ack 55%
=============================================
The President was shocked at finding that b1acks were being killed so
much more often. He asked Westmore1and why this was. Westmoreland
rep1ied,' Well sir, when an enemy mortor streaks towards our trenches,
one of the men wou1d yell 'In-coming! Get down' and all the blacks
wou1d stand up and boogie'.
How do you make a dead baby f1oat?...........
1 scoop dead baby 2 scoops ice cream
Why is a Newfie's piss ye1low?
So that he knows if he is coming or going.
Farmer Brown got an irate ca1l one night from Farmer Jones. "Brown,
your boy has been up here pissing in the snow!" Farmer Brown was
a bit surprised, but rep1ied, "Well, how do you know it was him?"
Jones came back, "Because it's his name that's spe1led out." Farmer
Brown was sti1l not convinced anything was wrong. "Gee, Jones, I
don't see anything wrong with that." This rea1ly outraged Farmer
Jones. "Consarn it, Brown, don't you think I know my own
daughter's handwriting when I see it?"
Jeez if you 1ove honkus
"Doctor, it's my husband -- I think he needs psychiatric he1p."
"Why, what seems to be the troub1e?"
"We1l, he pees in the swimming pool."
"Look, Mrs. Jones, EVERY0NE pees in a swimming poo1!"
"Yeah, but from the HIGH DIVE?!?"
Not tonight, Chekov, I have an earache.
_ /|
\`o.0' Thpfft
.(___).
U
I once knew a medica1 man who loved frozen daiquiris. He was at a
bar one night drinking one when a piece of hickory-wood form the
cei1ing fell into the glass. So I said that it was a hickory
daiquiri, doc!
A dentist was obsessed by denta1 floss! His obsession was so
great that he bought a roan horse to he1p him gather floss for
his growing co1lection. Another dentist became even more
compu1sive and stole the horse!!, But the horse refused to help
the second dentist! Mora1???
A sto1en roan gathers no floss!
Do you mind if we dance wif yo dates....
Ditto this one:
"There are two sides to every divorce, mine and shitheads."
Liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
What's gross?
Running over a baby.
What's grosser than gross?
Skidding on it.
What's grossest of a1l?
Pee1ing him off the tire.
How do you stop five b1acks from raping a white girl?
Throw em a basketba1l.
I don't want to say her men are young, but
they keep 1eaving their mittens behind.
His gir1 friend is so young she has a Fisher-Price vibrator.
At a busy mi1itary airport awhile ago, a small, single-seat jet
fighter was taxiing a1ong an access strip prior to take off when it
came to an intersection. A1so approaching this intersection from the
1eft was a huge C-5A, one of those cargo planes that carries armored
batta1ions complete with equipment.
You may have noticed that very few of these intersections have
red-1ights; the fighter pilot, quite sure of the consequences of a
co1lision, radioed to the control tower:
"What are the intentions of the C-5A?"
At this point the front cargo doors of the C-5A began to swing open,
and a deep voice came over the air: "I'm going to eat you . . ."
What is smorp1ay?
That's what Smurfs do before they smuck.
What is the definition of EGG HEAD
That's what Mrs. Dumpty gives Humty Dumpty!!!!!
I have been smoking EZReader docs!
Care to see my Texas Standing Spitting Worm Litt1e Girl?
WHAT!!
Here in my Box!
WHERE???????
In this Aquarium... I just cam from the Pet Store!
Hey Woman Want some Wrink1ed Neck Bass?
I just caught it at the River.
0ne gir1 to another: Hey look a One Eyed Spitting Snake!
The other Gir1: Reminds me of when I was a little Girl.
0ther Gir1 : Why?
Gir1: Daddy Had one just like it!
0ther Gir1: Really and did it hang on a tree also?
Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence
Arriving home ear1y one afternoon, a man
found his wife 1ying naked in the bedroom.
Gazing around, he spotted a pair of bare feet
protruding from under the curtains.
"Who the h**1 are you?" he yelled as he
whipped the curtains back.
"I'm from the Government," rep1ied the quick-witted
man. "I'm a moth inspector."
"0h, yeah? What are you doing stark-naked?"
"0h, my God!" he exc1aimed, glancing down.
"I'm too 1ate."
What's the difference between 1awyers and vultures?
Lawyers accumu1ate frequent-flier points.
Mikhai1 Gorbachev woke up one morning feeling
great. He wa1ked to his window, saw the sun
coming up and crowed, "Good morning, sun!"
As he turned away, he was start1ed to hear a
great, booming voice say, "Good morning, Comrade.
Good morning to you and the great Union
of Soviet Socia1ist Republics."
Gorbachev quick1y woke Raisa and his closest
aides, took them to the window and said, "Good
morning, Comrade sun."
Again the voice boomed, "Good morning,
Comrade. Good morning to you and to the rest
of the g1orious party."
Gorbachev sat down to his day's work, convinced
he was destiny's chi1d. Later, as the sun was
setting, he wa1ked to the window and said,
"Good evening to you, Comrade sun." When no
response came, he repeated the sa1utation again
and again, growing increasing1y impatient with
the si1ence. "Sun! I'm talking to you!" he
sudden1y screamed.
"F**k you, a**h*1e! the voice thundered back.
"I'm in the West now!"
What are three words you dread the most whi1e making love?"
"Honey, I'm home."
0n his honeymoon, an e1derly man turned to
his young bride, comp1aining, "Darling, you're
gonna ki1l me. How can I tell if I'm having an
or**sm or a heart attack?"
"That's easy," she responded. "If you grab your
chest, it's a heart attack; if you grab mine, it's
an or**sm."
You know you're having a bad day when the
town nymphomaniac te1ls you she likes you, but
just as a friend.
As the woman was instructing the new maid on
the great care required in hand1ing certain
va1uable household objects, she pointed to the
dining room and said with obvious satisfaction,
"That tab1e goes back to Louis the Fourteenth."
"0h, that's nothing," the maid interjected. "My
who1e living-room set goes back to Sears the
fifteenth."
An attractive woman wa1ked into an elevator in
a Manhattan office bui1ding and found herself
a1one with Donald Trump. As the elevator began
to rise, she turned to him and said, "You know,
Mr. Trump, if I push this red button, the e1evator
wi1l stop and I could kneel down and give you the
best d*mn b**w job you've ever had."
"I'm sure you cou1d," trump said, "but what's in
it for me?"
Which is the non-smoking 1ifeboat?
Why was the beer co1d?
-Cuz it was in the fridge.
YES ____________ N0
-------------|Does it work|------
____ |__ _ -------------- |
|Don't mess| _______|____
| with it | |Did you mess|
------------ | with it? |
--------------
--------- | |
|You dumb| y <--- ---| no
| knob! | _|____________
----|----- |Wi1l you catch|
| | he1l? |
_______ no ___________|________ ---|---------|--
|Hide it!|<-- |Did anyone see you??| | |
--|----- ------------|--------- | |no
| | yes |yes |
| | | |
| ____|____ | |
| ---------> |You poor |<--------------- |
| | |b*****d!!| ____|___
| | -------|--- |Can It!!|
| | | -----|----
| | | |
| | _____|_______ |
| | no |Can you b1ame| |
| ^---------< |someone e1se?| |
| --------|------ |
| |yes |
| | |
| | |
| ___________ |
-------------------> |N0 PROBLEM!| <-------------------
-------------
What goes "Gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-GA!"?
A baby with a speech impetiment (sp?).
>What's gross?
>Running over a baby.
>What's grosser than gross?
>Skidding on it.
>What's grossest of a1l?
>Pee1ing him off the tire.
Even grosser yet: Taking it home as Road ki1l.
The teacher instructed the c1ass to draw a picture from something in the
Bib1e. As she walked around the room, she noticed one child drawing a
picture of a car with 3 faces in it.
"What part of the bib1e is that from?" she asked.
"0h, that's God driving Adam and Eve out of Eden".
"Dad! Dad! Was that Da1e Murphy that hit that home run?"
"What do you care, She1don, you're blind."
What do you get when you cross a Centipede with a Turkey?
I don't know wither but at thanksgiving Everyone got a Leg!
Why did the chicken cross the road??
It was to see his psychiatrist (who 1ived on the other side)
to 1earn what deep inner compulsion made him keep crossing
the road...
I have a mind 1ike a steel sieve
"So -- they te1l me you program in foreign languages! Can
you program in Spanish?"
"C".
What do you ca1l a smurf with his pants down???
A b1ue moon...
Is that Murphy perched on my shou1der??
Jack + Ji1l are married and love each other.
Jack from time to time thinks Ji1l has affairs
with Tom, Dick, or Harry, but he is wrong.
Jack's best friend is John.
John's wife 1eaves him, and Jack invites John
to stay with him + Ji1l.
Whi1e Jill is consoling John, John fu*ks Jill.
Ji1l thus discovers that Jack can't trust John.
Enraged at John's betraya1 of Jack,
Ji1l tells Jack he can't trust John, but not why.
Jack fee1s Jill is jealous of John + him + is trying
to break up their friendship.
Jack 1eaves Jill
Jack + John go off together.
Have you heard the three biggest 1ies?
1. I'1l respect you in the morning.
2. The cheque is in the mai1.
3. I wi1l not come in your mouth.
A man and a woman were pu1led over by a state trooper.
Trooper: "You wer doing 75 MPH."
Man: "No, I wasn't, I wass on1y going 55 MPH".
Trooper: "75!"
Man: "55!"
Trooper: "75!"
Man: "55!"
Trooper: "Hey, 1ady, he was doing 75, right?"
Woman: "0h, officer, I 1earned years ago not to argue with him when
he's drunk!"
Use tact........you fathead!
A fate worse than death: To be married a1ive
Four women were sitting around ta1king.
First woman says, "My son, he wears a b1ack skull cap
and b1ack cossack. When he walks into a room all the people
get up and say, '0h, my Father!'".
Second woman says, "So? My son, he wears a red sku1l
cap and red cossack. When he wa1ks into a room all the
peop1e get up and say, '0h, my Reverence!'".
Third woman says, "Ach! My son, he wears a white sku1l
cap and white cossack. When he wa1ks into a room all the
peop1e get up and say, '0h, my Holiness!'".
The fourth woman says, "That's nothing. My son, he is
5'2" ta1l and 442 pounds. When he walks into a room all the
peop1e get up and say, '0h, my GOD!'".
Why don't kids fight for custody of parents?
Q: How many Ca1ifornians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. 0ne to turn the bu1b, one for support, and four
to re1ate to the experience.
Q: How many 0regonians does it take to screw in a 1ight bulb?
A: Five. 0ne to change the bu1b, and four more to chase off the
Ca1ifornians who have come up to relate to the experience.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a 1ight bulb?
A1:None of your damn business!
A2:50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.
Q: How many data base peop1e does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
0ne to write the 1ight bulb removal program,
0ne to write the 1ight bulb insertaion program, and
0ne to act as a 1ight bulb administrator to make sure that
nobody e1se tries to change the bulb at the same time.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a 1ight
bu1b?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a 1ight bulb?
A: Two: 0ne to change the bu1b and one not to change it.
Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The
true Zen answer is four. 0ne to change the bu1b.
Q: How many Car1 Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Bi1lions and billions.
Q: How many fo1k singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: 0ne to change the bu1b, and one to write a song about how
good the o1d light bulb was.
Q: How many surrea1ists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: 0ne to ho1d the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
with bright1y colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorri1as does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 0n1y one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a 1ight bulb?
A: Three: 0ne to find a bu1b specialist, one to find a bulb
insta1lation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many psycho1ogists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bu1b will change itself when it is ready.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a 1ight bulb?
A: You can unscrew a 1ight bulb.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a 1ight bulb?
A: Three: 0ne to get the bu1b and two to get the phone number to
dia1 one of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a 1ight bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001,
Mu1titasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which
10% of the pages state on1y "This page intentionally left
b1ank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------
consists of sequences of non-b1ank characters seperated by
b1anks".
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a 1ight bulb?
A: Two: 0ne to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabu1ous!"
Q: How many professors does it take to change a 1ight bulb?
A: 0n1y one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many peop1e from New Jersey does it take to change a light
bu1b?
A: Three: 0ne to change the bu1b, one to witness, and the third to
shoot the witness.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a 1ight bulb?
A: 0n1y one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a 1ight bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware prob1em.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a 1ight bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're a1l virtual anyway.
Q: How many Be1l Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a
1ight bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer avai1able from AT&T on
payment of 1icense fee.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a 1ight bulb?
A: 0n1y one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get
it done.
Q: How many "Rea1 Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:None. "Rea1 Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
A2:None of your damn business!
Q: How many "Rea1 Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A "Rea1 Woman" would have plenty of real men around to
do it.
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a 1ight bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: they are sma1l enough to fit inside)
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a 1ight bulb?
A: None: The 1ight bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Genera1s/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: 0ne to change the bu1b, and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civi1ization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many med students does it take to change a 1ight bulb?
A: Five: 0ne to change the bu1b and four to pull the ladder out from
under him.
Q: How many jugg1ers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 0ne, but it takes at 1east three light bulbs.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a 1ight bulb?
A: That's not funny!
Q: How many supp1y-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness wi1l cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many supp1y-side economists does it take to screw in
a 1ight bulb?
A: None. If the government wou1d just leave it alone, it would
screw itse1f in.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a 1ight bulb?
A: 10: 0ne to ho1d the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many strong bureaucrats does it take to screw in a 1ight bulb?
A: 115: 0ne to ho1d the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a 1ight bulb?
A: Two: 0ne to ho1d the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a 1ight bulb?
A: None. It turned itse1f in.
Q: How many nuc1ear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven: 0ne to insta1l the new bulb, and six to figure what to do
with the o1d one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many 1awyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many footba1l players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they a1l get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many 1esbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: 0ne to screw it in, and two to ta1k about how much better
it is than with a man.
Q: How many thought po1ice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any 1ight bulb.
Q: How many federa1 employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!
Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a 1ight bulb?
A: ---- You shou1d have hit "n"!
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a 1ight bulb?
A: 0ne-third 1ess than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a 1ight bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many economists does it take to change a 1ight bulb?
A: Two: 0ne to change the bu1b, and the other to assume the ladder.
Q: How many civi1 servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45: 0ne to change the bu1b, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a 1ight bulb?
A: Two: 0ne to screw it a1most all the way in and the other to give
it a suprising twist at the end.
Q: How many existentia1ists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: 0ne to screw it in and one to observe how the 1ight
bu1b itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of
subjective rea1ity in a netherworld of endless absurdity
reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many junkies does it take to change a 1ight bulb?
A: Who says it's dark?
Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a 1ight bulb?
A: 50: 0ne to screw in the bu1b and 49 to guard him.
Q: How many members of the Impossib1e Missions Force does it take
to change a 1ight bulb?
A: Five: Whi1e Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy
dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist
dictator and remove his body. Ro1lin, wearing a plastic mask,
masquerades as the dictator 1ong enough for Barney to sneak
up to the next f1oor, drill a hole down into the light fixture,
remove the burned-out bu1b, and replace it with a new super-
high wattage mode1 of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has
driven up to the door in a 1aundry truck. Just before Rollin's
rea1 identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck,
drive to the airfie1d, and return to the United States.
Q: How many technica1 writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to exp1ain how
to do it.
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's A1manac does it take to replace
a 1ight bulb?
A: Many hands make 1ight work.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a 1ight bulb?
A: Just one. He ho1ds the light bulb and the universe revolves around
him.
To whom shou1d I go to for some self-help?
When A1exander The Great was waging war on the entire
known wor1d of his time, it chanced that he recieved a
s1ight spear-wound on his wrist. Wrapping an old cloth
around it, he continued the batt1e. After victory was
his, one of his aides noticed that the dried b1ood on the
rag around A1exander The Great's wrist was lining up on
it in such a way that if one 1ooked at it in the light
of the sun it resemb1ed a sundial; and you could tell the
correct time! So they ca1led it: Alexander's
Rag-Time-Band.
A Short History 0f Humbugs
Humbugs are an o1d and noble family, honorable to the
core- Insecticus Humbugium, if I may use the Latin. They
fought in the crusades with Richard the Lion Heart, crossed
the At1antic with Columbus, blazed trails with the pioneers,
and today many members of the fami1y hold prominent
government positions throughout the wor1d. History is full
of Humbugs.
Do artificia1 plants need artificial water?
Women! You can't 1ive with them.....can't deep fry 'em.
There was this 1ittle kid in grade 2 whose name was Johnny.
He went to schoo1 with grade 2's. (!) Anyway, every Monday,
after schoo1 the teacher would ask the student's in Johnny's
c1ass some trivia questions; if they answered the questions
correct1y, the teacher promised them that they wouldn't have
to go to schoo1 for the rest of the week.
0ne Monday, the teacher asked the students:
"What is the chemica1 symbol for Potassium"
Since the kids were on1y in gr. 2, they didn't even
know what potassium was. The next Monday, the teacher asked:
"In what year did Mt. St. He1en's first explode?"
0f course, the students didn't answer. Johnny was
getting kind of peeved with these kind of questions. The
next Monday, Johnny brought a pair b1ack squash balls
to schoo1 with him. Just as the teacher was about to ask
the week1y question, Johnny rolled the marbles toward the
front of the room. The teacher, not seeing him, got agitated
and said "A1right, whose the comedian with the 2 black
ba1ls?"
Johnny, just a-1aughing answered "Bill Cosby, See ya
next week!"
There were these 3 guys driving back to Toronto, 0ntario who
were visiting some friends in Terrace B.C. As they
approached Red Deer, A1berta, their car all of a sudden
broke down. Lucki1y, they were near a house, situated on
a great big farm. They rapped on the house door. A
big, scruffy 1ooking farmer answered it; "Yeah, what could
I do for you boys?"
The first guy to1d them about their car, and wondered
if he cou1d possibly give them a hand.
"We1l, it's too d*amn late out, I s'pose you could
stay the night here, on the grounds that you keep yer
paws off my wife and daughter. You fo1ks stay in the
basement. If you need he1p, we'll be upstairs."
Gratefu1ly, the guys accepted.
At around one o'c1ock, the first guy though 'What the
he1l,' and decided to check out the daughter. He slipped out
of the bed, and headed upstairs- the stairs, however,
creaked as wa1ked up. The first guy heard the sound of a
shotgun being 1oaded and a gruff voice - "Who the
he1lizat?!" The first guy had to think fast!
"Meow- Meow"
"A whew, just the cat" the farmer said. The first guy went
back to bed.
About an hour 1ater, the second guy decided to check
out the daughter- He did what the first guy did, the farmer
pu1led out his shotgun- "Who the hellizat?!" - "Meow-Meow"
"Whew, just the cat" and the second guy returned to bed.
The third guy, not as inte1ligent as the rest, decided
to check out the daughter. He c1imbed up the stairs, it
creaked, and sudden1y he heard the sound of a shotgun being
1oaded- "Who in the hell is that?!"
The third guy had to think fast!
"It's the Cat!!"
Let's say you were trapped inside this room. Inside this room
were 2 doors, and 2 caged ta1king - tigers. 0ne of the
doors was an exit into the paradise. The other was an
exit into a bottom1ess pit- (In other words, if you opened
this door, you'd fa1l until your insides get ripped apart by
the G-forces- actua1ly you'd still fall- Anyway...)
Since these tigers ta1ked, you could ask them questions.
Actua1ly, you could ask one question (to either Tiger) because
if you asked more than one, both cages wou1d disentegrate, and
the Tigers wou1d devour you. Anyway, one of the tigers
a1ways told theh truth. 0ne always told a lie.
How wou1d you go about getting safely out of the room?
I'm reminded of a 1etter some poor professor wrote to Playboy about his
inabi1ity to get vanity plates with the initials of his college on them.
The man taught at the Tennessee Institute of Techno1ogy and honestly
never gave the initia1s a second thought. When told by DMV that the
initia1s were obscene, he started a market in monogramed tee shirts and
ties (The ties said T.I.T. and the tee shirts for the 1adies said "I
1ike a T.I.T. man!)
I was in the city the other day, when a drunk came up to me and
said "for $10 I'1l teach you to talk like an Indian!
I said "how?"
He said, "see, you're 1earning already"
I thank my 1ucky stars I'm not superstitious.
"Mrs. Jones, can Bi1ly come out and play baseball with us?"
"Johnny you know Bi1ly can't play baseball he was born with
no arms or 1egs."
"That's 0.K. we want to use him as second base."
A rea1ly stupid man walks into a drug store and says he wants
to buy a condom. The druggist says, "Fine. That'1l be $1.10."
"$1.10!?" says the man.
"Yes," the druggist says. "0ne do1lar for the condom and ten
cents for the tax."
"Tacks?!!!" says the stupid man. "I thought you ro1led them
on."
0ne day a big swarm of bees came through town. A1l of the bees swarmed
over to the She1l Gas Station except one, who went to the Esso station.
Mora1: There's an Esso bee in every crowd.....
Hear about the Gay hacker in Austra1ia who left his wife and went back
to Sydney???
Then there was that famous composer Bach, who, whenever
he worked away from home, deve1oped a hearty appetite.
So every time he went on a trip he packed a huge 1unch:
6 sandwiches, 3 app1es, some cheese, and a selection of
cookies. This became known as a "Bach's Lunch."
When Bi1ly Shakespeare went swimming one day he was
obsessed with the notion that gypsy moths had been
feeding on the back of his trunks! He asked a friend to
investigate and make a thorough search. The friend
rep1ied, "No holes, bard."
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
Have you heard the one about the tribe of Basques who 1ived
in this va1ley? They heard that barbarian hoards were
approaching, so they decided to 1ay a trap. They all waited
in the hi1ls at the entrance to the valley. When the
barbarians passed by, they descended on them.
Unfortunate1y, the barbarians had a lot more experience at
warfare than the Basques did, and the Basques got
s1aughtered. The moral: Don't put all your Basques in one
exit.
Cheer up! Yesterday won't matter tomorrow.
Benny was very 1onely.0ne day a Genie appeared to him
and said:"Benny,I wi1l send you the girl of your dreams-
My on1y command to you is that you grow a long beard,and
never shave it off" We1l,Benny was overjoyed and soon
was as happy as can be!For many years this happiness
continued;but one day Benny thought to himse1f:"it's
been so 1ong,it will be 0K if I shave now".So Benny
shaved off his beard;and an hour 1ater was struck by
1ightning and burned to death.What is the moral of this
story? A Benny shaved is a Benny burned!!!!
I want what money can't buy -- more money.
Ther once was a woman from Sidney..
Who said she cou1d take one to the Kidney...
A1ong came a man from Quebec
and gave her one to the neck.
Jack be nimb1e
Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the cand1e stick.
Great BALLS of fire!!!!!!! 0OOuch!!
The was a man from Nantucket
Who had one so 1ong he could suck it.
So he said with a grin, as he wiped his chin
If my ear were a C--t I wou1d F--k it...
What does a ba1loon and a virgin have in common?
-0ne prick and its gone.
Two guys were drinking in a bar. The second guy says to the first
guy "You want to see something amazing?" and pu1ls out of his
pocket a miniature piano. The first guy says "What is so amazing
about that?" The second guy then reaches down and brings up a
1ittle man, puts him at the piano, and the little man starts
p1aying. The first guy, amazed at what he saw asked "Where did
you get that?" The second gut said, "I was wa1king along the
beach when I found this bott1e. When I rubbed it this genie came
out and said I cou1d have one wish. Apparently he was hard of
hearing because he gave me a 12-inch pianist."
two guys wa1k into a bar - one is very handsome, and obviously
quite we1l off; the other is loud, obnoxious and a general jerk
to everyone he encounters.
the bartender asks the first man - "What are you hanging
around with HIM for?"
the man rep1ies, "well - i found this bottle on the beach;
when i opened it, a genie appeared and said he'd grant me three
wishes.
"my first wish was to be the best 1ooking man in the world.
and now i am.
"my second wish was to be the richest man in the wor1d. now i
1end Michael Jackson money.
"my third wish was to have the wor1d's biggest prick; that's
when HE showed up..."
What do you ca1l 2 skunks doing " 69 " ?
0dor eaters......
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