The Darwin Award is made each year t0 the person who has managed to kill
themselves (and theref0re prevent the survival of their genes -hence
Darwin!) in the m0st bizarre way imaginable. Their very nature invites the
c0mment: "I think the gene pool needs a little chlorine."
Previ0us winners have included the man killed when the vending machine he
was trying t0 extract a can of Coke from fell on him, and last years aviator
wh0 strapped a JATO module to his car and lit the blue touchpaper....
igniting the r0cket which propelled he and the vehicle for 3 miles and into
the side 0f a cliff.
* NOMINATIONS *
#1 - [AP, Mamm0th Lakes, CA] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a
lift t0wer at the Mammoth mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a
f0am pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at
Centinela Mamm0th Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono
C0unty Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked
up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid s0me yellow foam protectors from
the lift t0wers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police
Department. The pads are used t0 protect skiers who might hit the towers.
The gr0up apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal
crashed int0 a tower. It has since been learned that the tower he hit was
the 0ne with its pad removed.
#2 - [AP,St. L0uis, MO] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in
a St. L0uis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed
a h0t dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it.
P0lice found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the
six-inch wiener fr0m his throat, Where it had choked him to death.
#3 - [UPI, Spain] T0 poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above
him 0n an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
#4 - [Ass0ciated Press,Kincaid, W. VA] A man at a party popped a blasting
cap int0 his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his
lips, teeth and t0ngue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of
Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night,
said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "An0ther man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a
battery, and was trying t0 explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and
this guy said, "I'll sh0w you how to set it off." "He put it in his mouth
and bit d0wn. It blew all his teeth and his tongue out and his lips,off!"
Payne said. Str0myer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with
extensive facial injuries, acc0rding to a spokesman at Charleston Area
Medical Divisi0n. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that,"
Payne said.
#5 - [UPI,P0rtland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said
Wednesday an Oreg0n man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky
t0 be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts,25,
l0st his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting
club, M0untain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a
beer can 0ff his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors
said had the arr0w gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would
have cut and R0berts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny
Delashaw at the University H0spital in Portland said the arrow went through
8 t0 10 inches of brain (There was brain material?), with the tip protruding
at the rear 0f his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood
vessels. Delashaw als0 said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his
0wn he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and
his friends had been drinking that aftern0on. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb
ab0ut this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district
att0rney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
#6 - [AP, Arkansas] A w0man named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit
her in-laws, and while there, went t0 a store. She parked next to a car with
a w0man sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently
sleeping. When Linda came 0ut a while later, she again saw the woman, her
hands still behind her head but with her eyes 0pen. The woman looked very
strange, s0 Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman
answered "I've been sh0t in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda
didn't kn0w what to do; so she ran into the store where store officials
called the paramedics. They had t0 break into the car because the door was
l0cked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the
back 0f her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had
expl0ded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like
that 0f a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find
what it was, she felt the d0ugh and thought it was her brains. She passed
0ut from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in!
#7 - Fr0m a radio program, a true report of a happening in Michigan, USA. A
guy buys brand new Jeep Grand Cher0kee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly
payments. He and a friend g0 duck hunting and of course all the lakes are
fr0zen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the
beer and 0f course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get
ready. N0w, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the
ducks, s0mething for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large
en0ugh to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on,
it is g0ing to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the
back 0f the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short,
40-sec0nd fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration
that if they place the stick 0f dynamite on the ice at a location far from
where they are standing (and the new Grand Cher0kee), they take the risk of
slipping 0n the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up
in sm0ke with the resulting blast.
S0, they decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a c0uple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer,
the guns and the d0g? Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
retrieving, especially things thr0wn by the owner. You guessed it, the dog
takes 0ff at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of
dynamite with the burning 40-sec0nd fuse about the time it hits the ice. The
tw0 men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered
0n, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The
sh0tgun is loaded with 8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
The d0g stops for a moment, slightly confused but continues on. Another shot
and this time the d0g, still standing, becomes really confused & of course
scared, thinking these tw0 Nobel Prize winners have gone insane. He takes
0ff to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of
dynamite).... under the brand new Cher0kee. BOOM ! Dog and Cherokee are
bl0wn to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole,
leaving the tw0 candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing
there with this "I can't believe this happened" l0ok on their faces. The
insurance c0mpany says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of
expl0sives is not covered. He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a
m0nth payments.
############### AND THE WINNER!!!!!################
J0hn Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,
decided t0 attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge,
Washingt0n. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat in the
parking l0t, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy
en0ugh to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show. The two
friends pulled their pickup truck 0ver to the fence and the plan was for
J0hn--100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over, and then assist his friend
0ver the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop on the o
ther side 0f the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself
crashing thr0ugh a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch
which snagged him by his sh0rts. Dangling from the tree, with one arm
br0ken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring the
bushes w0uld break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceeded to
cut away his sh0rts to free himself from the tree. When finally free, John
crashed bel0w into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body
and n0w being without his shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly
branch penetrating his rectal cavity. T0 make matters worse, his pocket
knife pr0ceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left
thigh. Seeing his friend in c0nsiderable pain and agony, Sal decided to
thr0w him a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds
less, he decided the best c0urse of action would be to tie the rope to the
pickup truck. This is when things went fr0m bad to worse. In his drunken
state, Sal put the truck int0 the wrong gear, pressed on the gas, and
crashed thr0ugh the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown
fr0m the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and also died at the
scene. P0lice arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet
fr0m the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half naked man, with numerous
scratches, a h0lly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and a pair of
sh0rts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.
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