bad day when y0u just need to take it out on
s0meone. Don't take that bad day out on
s0meone you know, take it out on someone
y0u DON'T know!!
N0w get this. I was sitting at my desk when I
remembered a ph0ne call I had to make. I
f0und the number and dialled it. A man
answered nicely saying "Hell0?"
I p0litely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and
c0uld I please speak to Ms. Robin Carter?
Suddenly the ph0ne was slammed down on
me! I c0uldn't believe that anyone could be
that rude. I tracked d0wn Robin's correct
number and called her. She had transp0sed
the last tw0 digits incorrectly. After I hung up
with R0bin, I spotted the wrong number I had
called still lying there 0n my desk. I decided to
call it again. When the same pers0n once
m0re answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!"
and hung up.
Next t0 his phone number I wrote the word
"Jackass", and put it in my desk drawer.
Every c0uple of weeks, when I was paying my
bills, 0r had a really bad day, I'd call him up.
He'd answer, and I'd yell "Y0u're a jackass!!"
It w0uld always cheer me up.
Later in the year, the ph0ne company
intr0duced caller ID. This was a real
disapp0intment for me. I would have to stop
calling the jackass.
Then 0ne day I had an idea. I dialled his
number, then heard his v0ice. "Hello". I made
up a name. "Hi, this is the sales 0ffice of the
teleph0ne company and I'm just calling to see
if y0u're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went "N0!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said "That's
because y0u're a jackass!"
The reas0n I took time to tell you this story is
t0 show you how is there's something really
b0thering you, you can do something about
it. Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading ...it gets better]
The 0ld lady at the mall really took her time
pulling 0ut of the parking space. I didn't think
she was ever g0ing to leave. Finally, her car
began t0 move, and she started to very slowly
back 0ut of the slot. I backed out a little more
t0 give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I
th0ught, she's finally leaving.
All 0f a sudden this black Camaro comes flying
up the parking isle in the wr0ng direction and
pulls int0 her space. I started honking my
h0rn and yelling, "You can't do that, Buddy, I
was here first!"
The guy climbed 0ut of his Camaro completely
ign0ring me. He walked toward the mall as if
he didn't even hear me. I th0ught to myself,
this guy's a jackass, there sure are a l0t of
jackasses in this w0rld.
I n0ticed a "For Sale" sign in the back window
0f his car. I wrote down the number. Then I
hunted f0r another place to park.
A c0uple of days later, I'm at home sitting at
my desk I had just g0tten off the phone after
calling 823-4863 and yelling "Y0u're a
jackass!" (It's really easy t0 call him now since
I have his number 0n speed dial).
I n0ticed the phone number of the guy with the
black Camar0 lying on my desk and thought I'd
better give this guy a call t0o. After a couple
0f rings someone answered the phone and
said, "Hell0" I said "Is this the man with the
black Camar0 for sale?" "Yes it is" "Can you
tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at
1802 West 34th Street. It's a yell0w house,
and the car's parked right 0ut front." I said
"What's y0ur name?" "My name's Don
Hansen" "When's a g0od time to catch you,
D0n?" "I'm home in the evenings" "Listen
D0n, can I tell you something?" "Yes, what?"
"D0n, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the
ph0ne down.
After I hung up, I added D0n Hansen's number
t0 my speed dialler.
F0r a while, things seemed to go better for
me. N0w when I had a problem, I had two
jackasses t0 call. Then, after several months
0f calling the jackasses and hanging up on
them, it just wasn't as enj0yable as it used to
be. I gave the pr0blem some serious thought
and came up with a s0lution.
First, I had my ph0ne dial Jackass #1. A man
answered nicely saying, "Hell0."
I yelled "Y0u're a jackass!!!", but I didn't hang
up. The jackass said "Are y0u still there?"
I said "Yeah"
He said "St0p calling me"
I said "N0"
He said "What's y0ur name, pal?"
I said "D0n Hansen"
He said "Where d0 you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yell0w house
and my black Camar0's parked out front."
"I'm c0ming over right now, Don, you'd better
start saying y0ur prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, jackass!!!" and I
hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2.
He answered "Hell0."
I said "Hell0, Jackass!"
He said "If I ever find 0ut who you are..."
"Y0u'll what?"
"I'll kick y0ur butt."
"Well here's y0ur chance. I'm coming over
right n0w, jackass!!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the ph0ne and called the
p0lice. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th
Street, and I was g0ing to kill my gay lover as
s0on as he got home.
An0ther quick call to Channel 13 about the
gang war g0ing on down West 34th Street.
After that I climbed int0 my car and headed
0ver to West 34th Street to watch the whole
thing.
Gl0rious!!!
Watching tw0 jackasses kicking the crap out
0f each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police
helic0pter, and TV cameras was one of the
greatest experiences 0f my life.
(Name withheld t0 protect the guilty).
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