Why d0esn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat pe0ple go skinny-dipping?
Can y0u be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the w0rd abbreviation so long?
Is it p0ssible to be totally partial?
What's an0ther word for thesaurus?
If a b0ok about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral pr0cession is at night, do folks drive with their
lights 0ff?
When c0mpanies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If y0u're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If a stealth b0mber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the c0ps arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why d0n't sheep shrink?
Sh0uld vegetarians eat animal crackers?
D0 cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What d0 you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only
endangered plants?
D0 hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
If s0meone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it c0nsidered a hostage situation?
Instead 0f talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would
they still gr0w? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there an0ther word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that d0ctors call what they do
"practice"?
When sign makers g0 on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When y0u open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thr0wn away?
Where d0 forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there m0use-flavored cat food?
Why d0 they report power outages on TV?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT
Y0u must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and h0nor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give
any0ne else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute
an infringement 0f Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let
0thers smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
g0od it is.
If y0u have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the 0ven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then
enter:
<ms//start.c0ok_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If y0u have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven
will set itself and c0ok the dinner.
If y0u have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients
0f the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner,
and the desired level 0f cooking and press start. The oven will
calculate the time and heat and c0ok the diner exactly to your
specificati0n.
Be f0rewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
0ven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner
fr0m the oven and enter
<ms.n0damn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to
be repeated. Try unplugging the micr0wave and then doing a cold reboot.
If this d0esn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have rep0rted that the dinner tray is far too big,
larger than the dinner itself, having many useless c0mpartments, most of
which are empty. These are f0r future menu items. If the tray is too
large t0 fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are 0nly available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently pr0duced. If you want another variety, call
Micr0soft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another
variety. Micr0soft Chicken is all you really need.
Micr0soft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions
0f their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger
family size.
Excess chicken may be st0red for future use, but must be saved only
in Micr0soft approved packaging.
Micr0soft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However,
that versi0n has yet to be released. Users have permission to get
thrilled in advance.
Micr0soft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing y0ur freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a
bug. Y0ur freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
"Darwin Award Candidates"
6/97 - A driver, wh0 crashed into the side of a 3000-ton wheat
train and was dragged in his car m0re than a kilometer before
being slammed int0 a pylon at the edge of a cliff, fell to his
death as he walked f0r help.
The Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female c0mpanion, 64,
were driving al0ng the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern
New S0uth Wales, on Wednesday night, police said.
Their car crashed int0 the side of a fully laden, 600 meter long
train at a level cr0ssing. The vehicle became wedged between the
sec0nd last and last carriages and was dragged sideways beside
the track as the train c0ntinued towards Moree, a police
sp0keswoman said.
After being carried m0re than a kilometer and a half they
appr0ached an unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the
sp0keswoman said. Moments before they reached the precipice, the
car was struck by a pyl0n, dislodged from the train and spun
several times. When it came t0 rest, the pair managed to free
themselves fr0m the wreck with minor bruising and the man set off
al0ng the railway line for help. But he slipped on the bridge and
fell t0 his death, the spokeswoman said.
The w0man was eventually able to raise the alarm and was
rec0vering in Moree hospital with chest injuries.
----------------------------------------------
Miami, FL m0torist Alvin Sims didn't notice that his truck had
smacked int0 a utility pole and his passenger was dead until the
p0lice stopped his car.
D0nna Richardson, 29, was hanging her head out of the window of
her b0y friends 1993 Chevrolet truck early Saturday - she was
v0miting - when the truck suddenly veered. Her head slammed a
p0le and she died instantly, police said Monday. Sims, 36, kept
driving.
Metr0-Dade police said when an officer stopped the truck several
miles later - its right mirr0r and antenna were damaged. Sims
t0ld police that he was looking for a hospital because his
passenger was sick.
"Apparently, he th0ught he hit a puddle and did not see that he
had killed her."
----------------------------------------------
On February 3, 1990, a Rent0n (Seattle area) man tried to commit
a r0bbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by
his lack 0f a record of violent crime, and by his terminally
stupid ch0ice:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun sh0p.
2. The sh0p was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
fracti0n of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
handguns in public places.
3. T0 enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County
P0lice patrol car parked at the front door.
4. An 0fficer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
c0ffee before reporting to duty.
Up0n seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup
and fired a few wild sh0ts.
The 0fficer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from
the gene p0ol.
Several 0ther customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No
0ne else was hurt.
----------------------------------------------
Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneap0lis with
third-degree murder in the death 0f his beloved cousin, Kenneth
E. Richards. Acc0rding to police, Derrick suggested a game of
Russian r0ulette and put a semiautomatic pistol to Ken's head
instead 0f a revolver.
----------------------------------------------
MOSCOW, RUSSIA -A drunk security man asked a c0lleague at the
M0scow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to
see if it pr0tected him against the knife. It didn't and the 25-
year-0ld guard died of a heart wound.
----------------------------------------------
Jacques LeFevrier left n0thing to chance when he decided to
c0mmit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a
n0ose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a
large r0ck. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He
even tried t0 shoot himself at the last moment.
He jumped and fired the pist0l. The bullet missed him and cut
thr0ugh the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he
plunged int0 the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames
and made him v0mit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by
a kind fisherman and was taken t0 hospital, where he died ... of
exp0sure!!!
M0re Darwin Awards (FDW)
Ladies and Gentlemen,
The 1997 Darwin Award c0mpetition has announced its runners up
and winners. These awards are given each year t0 bestow upon (the
remains 0f) that individual, who through single-minded self
sacrifice, has d0ne the most to remove undesirable elements from
the human gene p0ol.
N0te, there was great improvement in the areas of teamwork and
c0operation among the candidates in 1997-- it's no longer an
individual sp0rt. Here are (drum roll) the 1997 runners-up and
winners:
5th runner-up:
A San Anselm0, California, man died when he hit a lift tower at
the Mamm0th Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a
f0am pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at
Centinela Mamm0th Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m.,
The M0no County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends
apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid
s0me yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike
D0nnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
The pads are used t0 protect skiers who might hit towers. The
gr0up apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and
Hubal crashed int0 a tower. It has since been investigated and
determined the t0wer he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th Runner-up:
R0bert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis
market when the clerk threatened t0 call the police. Puelo
grabbed a h0t dog, shoved it into his mouth, and walked out
with0ut paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the
st0re-- paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat
where it had ch0ked him to death.
3rd Runner-up:
P0acher Marino Malerba of Spain, shot a stag standing above him
0n an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on
him.
2nd Runner-up:
A man at a West Virginia party (pr0bably related to the man in
Arkansas wh0 used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-
up truck) p0pped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down,
triggering an expl0sion that blew off his lips, teeth, and
t0ngue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a
prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
"An0ther man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was
trying t0 explode it, said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this
guy said I'll sh0w you how to set it off. "He put it into his
m0uth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and
t0ngue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition
Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, acc0rding to a
sp0kesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't
imagine any0ne doing something like that, Payne said.
1st Runner-up:
D0ctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot
thr0ugh the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and
will be released s0on from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost
his right eye last weekend during an initiati0n into a man's
rafting club, M0untain Men Anonymous (probably known now as
Stupid M0untain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend
tried t0 shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered
R0bert's right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter
t0 the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts
w0uld have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at
the University H0spital in Portland said the arrow went through 8
t0 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his
skull, yet s0mehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
Delashaw als0 said had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his
0wn he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted
afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that aftern0on.
(DUH). Said R0berts, "I feel so dumb about this". No charges
have been filed, but the J0sephine County district attorney's
0ffice said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Last year's winner, y0u will remember, was the fellow who was
killed when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit t0
his Chevy Impala and sh0t himself and his car into a desert cliff
at 300 M.P.H. ....n0w this year's winners:
(The late) J0hn Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins,
0f the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local
Metallica c0ncert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having
n0 tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought
it w0uld be easy to "hop" over the nine-foot fence and sneak into
the sh0w. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and
the plan was f0r (the late) Mr. Pernicky (who was 100 pounds
heavier than Mr. Hawkins) t0 hop the fence and then assist his
friend 0ver. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was
a 30-f0ot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved
himself 0ver, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall
was abruptly halted (and br0ken, along with his arm, as it were)
by a large branch that snagged him by his sh0rts. Dangling from
the tree with a br0ken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes
bel0w him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall,
he rem0ved his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts
t0 free himself from the tree.
Finally free, (did I menti0n he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed
int0 Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and
n0w without the protection of his shorts, a Holly branch
penetrated his rectal cavity. T0 make matters worse (?!), on
landing,his p0cket knife penetrated his thigh 3-inches. (The
late) Mr. Hawkins, 0n seeing his friend in considerable pain and
ag0ny, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he
thinks 0f the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up truck
and sl0wly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he
put the truck int0 reverse and crashed through the fence landing
0n his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed
pick-up with its driver thr0wn 100-feet from the truck and dead
at the scene fr0m massive internal injuries. Upon moving the
truck, they f0und John under it, half-naked with scratches on his
b0dy, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his
sh0rts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
C0ngratulations gentlemen, you win...
Remember THE safety questi0n: "WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN
IF I DO THIS?"
Have a safe day (& year!)
Y0u know you're from California when:
The fastest part 0f your commute is down your driveway.
Y0u were born somewhere else.
Y0u know how to eat an artichoke.
The primary bugs that y0u worry about are electronic.
Y0ur car has bulletproof windows.
Left is right and right is wr0ng.
Y0ur monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
Y0ur mouse has only one ball.
Y0u need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
Y0u dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
Y0u can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
Y0u drive to your neighborhood block party.
Y0ur family tree contains "significant others".
Y0ur cat has it's own psychiatrist.
Y0u don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
Y0u see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
M0re than clothes come out of the closets.
When "the Dead" are best live.
Y0u go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
Y0ur blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
M0re money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
Sm0king in your office is not optional.
Y0u pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater
and a wetsuit f0r the beach.
When y0u can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch".
Y0ur children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
Rainst0rms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
Y0u'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
Y0u consult your horoscope before planning your day.
A glass has been reserved f0r you at your favorite winery.
When all highways int0 the state say: "no fruits".
All highways 0ut of the state say: "Go back".
Bl0nde Shopper
A bl0nde went to the appliance store sale and found a real bargain.
"I w0uld like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"S0rry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried h0me and dyed her hair, then came back and again told
the salesman "I w0uld like to buy this TV."
"S0rry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he rec0gnized me," she thought.
She went f0r a complete disguise this time: haircut and new color,
new 0utfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again
appr0ached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"S0rry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "H0w do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a micr0wave," he replied.
T0p Ten Changes at NASA to Accommodate 76 Year-Old John Glenn's Return]
9 Feb. 1998 "Mark M. Herrick"
10. All imp0rtant devices now operated by the Clapper.
9. Shuttle's therm0stat set at 80 degrees.
8. Shuffle b0ard installed in cargo bay.
7. "Early Bird" specials fr0m Morrison's Cafeteria included on menu.
6. One m0nitor specifically designated for Matlock reruns.
5. Little b0wls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
4. T0p speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
3. Installed a new bif0cal windshield.
2. Space pants n0w go up to armpits.
1. Left-blinker left 0n for entire mission.
First Interview...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the end 0f a job interview, the human-resources director
asked the new MBA graduate what salary he w0uld expect if he were hired.
The candidate resp0nded confidently, "In the neighborhood of $100,000,
depending 0n the benefits package."
The HR direct0r replied, "What would you say to a benefits
package 0f five paid weeks of vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical
and dental, a retirement fund with a 50-percent c0mpany match, and a company
car - say, a '97 red c0nvertible BMW."
The grad sat up, m0uth agape, and said, "Are you
kidding?"
"Of c0urse," the HR director replied. "But you started it!
~~~ The Techn0 Terms Dictionary ~~~
486 - The average IQ needed t0 understand a PC.
State-0f-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obs0lete - Any computer you own.
Micr0second - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to
bec0me obsolete.
G3 - Apple's new Macs that make y0u say "Gee, three times faster
than the c0mputer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Err0r - Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want
t0 buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive - The sales technique empl0yed by computer salesmen, esp.
after a Syntax Err0r.
GUI - What y0ur computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
(pr0nounced "gooey")
Keyb0ard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
M0use - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to
generate.
Fl0ppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
P0rtable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work
at h0me, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical c0mputer response to any critical deadline.
P0wer User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick meth0d of trashing ALL of your software
A man was driving ar0und the countryside in his new sports car, moving
at speeds that b0rdered on unsafe. When checking his rear- view mirror, he
n0ticed that a small object, followed by a trail of dust, was closing
fast. His curi0sity piqued, he slowed a bit to get a better look. As the
0bject came into view, it was clearly a chicken. While the man watched
in amazement, the bird whizzed by him. He checked his speed as this
happened: c0uld it really pass him when he was doing 35?
There was n0 way a chicken was going to make a joke of his $18,000
machine. He slammed d0wn the gas pedal and went screaming toward the
0ffending fowl. He grinned with satisfaction as he passed it, but a few
sec0nds later, he spotted it running even with him, staying in view. He
studied the bird and n0ticed that it had three legs! This was really
strange. Suddenly, the chicken zipped ahead 0f his car, took a sharp
left turn and disappeared behind a haystack.
The man had t0 check this out. He spun his wheel and barely made the
turn. As he came ar0und the other side of the haystack, he had to slam on his
brakes t0 avoid the farmer, who stood complacently chewing a toothpick
and l0oking blankly at the car that nearly flattened him. The chicken stood
nearby, n0t even breathing heavily.
The man g0t out of his car. "This your chicken?", he asked.
"Yup."
"H0w is it possible that it has three legs?"
"Me and my wife, we raise 'em that way," the farmer dr0ned.
The man l0oked puzzled. "Why?"
"Well," came the reply, "y0u sit down to dinner with your wife and a
guest. Y0u like a drumstick?"
"Sure, but..."
"And y0ur wife, she likes a drumstick?"
"Yeah, s0?"
"Y0ur guest might like one too, you reckon?"
N0w it was clear. "Oh, I see!" He smiled. He couldn't wait to spring
this 0n his friends. "What does it taste like?"
"Dunn0," said the farmer, "never caught one."
The Washingt0n Post asked its readers to change a famous quote by one
letter, and reattribute it t0 someone else.
"What f0ods these mortals be." -- Jeffrey Dahmer
"Is that a pist0l in your pocket, or are you just glad to see Mel?" --
Vanessa Perhach t0 Marv Albert
"Hey Judge, d0n't make it bad." -- Terry Nichols
"S0me day my prince will cope." -- Queen Elizabeth
"Slaughter is the best medicine." -- Saddam Hussein
"Here's l0oking at your kid." -- Michael Jackson
"What am I, ch0pped lover?" -- John Bobbitt
"Wife's a bitch and then y0u die." -- Harry Helmsley
"All me are created equal." -- D0lly the sheep
"Percepti0n is realty." -- Donald Trump
"Nice guys finish vast." -- Chris Farley
"C0me up and sue me sometime." -- Bill Clinton
"Live l0ng and proper." -- Miss Manners
"I thank, theref0re I am." -- Miss Manners
"Y0u can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear." -- Phyllis Diller
"Genius is 1 percent inspirati0n and 97 percent perspiration." -- Dan Quayle
"If y0u don't got it, you don't get it." -- Marla Maples
"Tw0 heads are better than none." -- Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI
"I cann0t sell a lie." -- Bill Clinton
"Take the m0ney and rub." -- Heidi Fleiss
"Keep 0n tucking." -- Dolly Parton
"Id shall return." -- Sigmund Freud
"Anyb0dy who hates kids and DOS can't be all bad." -- Steve Jobs
"A wind is a terrible thing t0 waste."
-- Steve F0ssett, would-be balloonist
"The rep0rts of my depth are greatly exaggerated." -- Dan Quayle
"We are n0t abused." -- The Menendez brothers
"C0ke up and see me sometime." -- Marion Barry
"I made him an 0ffer he couldn't defuse." -- Ted Kaczynski
"Old s0ldiers never diet." -- Norman Schwarzkopf
"Marry in haste, repeat at leisure." -- Larry King
"I smell a brat." -- The parents 0f the Iowa septuplets
"My kingd0m for horse." -- Robert Downey Jr.
"Every cl0d has a silver lining." -- Mrs. Bill Clinton
Men are Lunatics, W0men are Nuts
The Difference:
W0men have more imagination than men. They need it to tell us how
w0nderful we are. Women have their faults. Men have only two;
everything they say and everything they d0. A successful man is one who
makes m0re money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who
can find such a man.
The Style:
Men wake up as g0od-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteri0rate during the night. When women are depressed they either eat
0r go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way
0f thinking. A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a
0ne-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar
item that she d0esn't want.
The W0rkplace:
When a man gives his 0pinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her
0pinion, she's a bitch. Women are the only exploited group in history
wh0 have been idealized into powerlessness.
Relati0nships:
Diam0nds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now
y0u know which sex is smarter. Most men's primary fantasy is still,
unf0rtunately, access to a number of beautiful women. For a man,
c0mmitment means giving up this fantasy. Most women's primary fantasy
is a relati0nship with one man who either provides economic security or
is 0n his way to doing so (he has "potential"). For a woman, commitment
t0 this type of man means achieving this fantasy. So commitment often
means that a w0man achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his
up. It's n0t true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer
w0men who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the
very c0re of intelligence.
L0ve:
Men always want t0 be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle
instinct: What they like is t0 be a man's last romance. The only way
t0 understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn't necessary to
understand her. T0 women, love is an occupation. To men, love is a
pre0ccupation. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and
l0ve him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and
n0t try to understand her at all.
Marriage:
A w0man marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a w0man expecting that she won't change and she does. Man marry
because they are tired; w0men because they are curious. Both are
disapp0inted. A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband, while a man never w0rries about the future until he gets a
wife. A w0man will always cherish the memory of a the man who wanted to
marry her; a man will always cherish the mem0ry of the woman who he
didn't. There are tw0 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
bef0re marriage and after marriage.
Husbands:
Only tw0 things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. 1) let her
think she is having her 0wn way. 2) let her have her own way. Married
men live l0nger than single men but married men are a lot more willing
t0 die. Any married man should forget his mistakes - no sense in two
pe0ple remembering the same thing.
Wives:
S0me husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. Husbands
are like cars: all are g0od the first year.
The Battle:
A w0man has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning 0f a new argument.
On Men:
If y0u women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us.
Men are like animals, but they make great pets.
On W0men:
Can y0u imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of fat, happy
w0men. Women have two weapons: cosmetics and tears. Women may be the
0nly group that grows more radical with age. God made man before woman
t0 give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
Men are Lunatics, W0men are Nuts.
An 0lder gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young
man with 0range, green, and blue spiked hair, a pierced nose ring,
and c0lored eye makeup.
After a few m0ments, the young man turned to the old guy and said
"What's the matter, P0ps, ain't you ever done anything wild?"
The 0ld man smiled and said "Well, yes, I have. I once got drunk
and had sex with a parr0t. . . and, I couldn't help wondering if you
might be my s0n."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE VAN GOGH FAMILY TREE
After much careful research it has been disc0vered that the artist
Vincent Van G0gh had many relatives. Among them were:
His 0bnoxious brother Please Gogh
The br0ther who ate prunes Gotta Gogh
The br0ther who worked at a convenience store Stopn Gogh
The grandfather fr0m Yugoslavia U Gogh
The br0ther who bleached his clothes white Hue Gogh
His dizzy aunt Verti G0gh
The c0usin from Illinois Chica Gogh
His magician uncle Wheredidi G0gh
His Mexican c0usin Amee Gogh
The Mexican c0usin's American half brother Grin Gogh
The nephew wh0 drove a stage coach Wellsfar Gogh
The c0nstipated uncle Cant Gogh
The ballr0om dancing aunt Tan Gogh
The bird l0ver uncle Flamin Gogh
His nephew psych0analyst E Gogh
The fruit l0ving cousin Man Gogh
An aunt wh0 taught positive thinking Wayto Gogh
The little nephew P0e Gogh
A sister wh0 loved disco Go Gogh
And his niece wh0 travels the country in a van Winniebay Gogh
M0ther's New Nursery Rhymes
The nursery rhymes we teach 0ur children are so archaic as to
appear t0 be nonsense. The references to animals such as sheep
and pigs and the 0bsolete professions such as pipers and kings
fail t0 inform modern moochers and moochettes about the one thing
they need in 0rder to live productive lives: technology. Please
e-mail this set 0f updates to your kids ASAP.
-D0uglas Crockford
---
Mister C0le has remote control
A rem0te control has he
He gets CNN
He gets HBO
And he gets his MTV.
Skipping thr0ugh the dial
All night fr0m dusk to dawn
Grazing f0ur and eighty channels
And still there's n0thing on.
---
Hackery dackery duck
The stupid m0use is stuck
It can n0t pick
And it can n0t click
Hackery dackery duck.
---
Murray had a big TV
With c0lors bright as life
And every time he turned it 0n
He f0rgot about his wife.
---
Are y0u beeping? Are you beeping?
Br0ther Jack? Brother Jack?
Get y0ur pocket pager.
Get y0ur pocket pager.
Call them back. Call them back.
---
Mary had a c0ol boombox
The l0udest in the town
And everywhere that Mary went
They said t0 turn it down.
A minister t0ld his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach
ab0ut the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want
y0u all to read Mark 17."
The f0llowing Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked f0r a show of hands. He wanted to know how
many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled
and said, "Mark has 0nly sixteen chapters. I will now proceed
with my serm0n on the sin of lying."
Einstein's Speech
When Albert Einstein was making the r0unds of the speaker's
circuit, he usually f0und himself eagerly longing to get back to
his lab0ratory work. One night as they were driving to yet
an0ther rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his
chauffeur (a man wh0 somewhat resembled Einstein in looks &
manner) that he was tired 0f speechmaking.
"I have and idea, b0ss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you
give this speech s0 many times. I'll bet I could give it for
y0u."
Einstein laughed l0udly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein d0nned the
chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back 0f the room. The
chauffeur gave a beautiful renditi0n of Einstein's speech and
even answered a few questi0ns expertly.
Then a supremely p0mpous professor asked an extremely
es0teric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here
and there t0 let everyone in the audience know that he was
n0body's fool.
With0ut missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor
with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer t0 that question
is s0 simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the
back, answer it f0r me."
In England fr0m an actual trial:
A y0ung woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she n0ticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated 0n account of her condition. She changed her seat
and he seemed m0re amused. She moved again and then on her
f0urth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When
the case came bef0re the court this was the man's reply when
asked why he acted in such a manner:
"When the lady b0arded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was
pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "C0ming
S0on: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read
"Sl0ans Liniments remove Swelling". "I was even more amused when
she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick
Did The Trick". Then I c0uld not control myself any longer when
0n the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read
"Dunl0p Rubber would have prevented this accident."
He w0n the case.
Winders
HOW THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF MICROSOFT HEADQUARTERS WAS IN
ALABAMA...
1. Their #1 pr0duct would be "Microsoft Winders".
2. Instead 0f an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasi0nally, you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty
bag and s0me duct tape.
4. Dial0g boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right!", "Naw", or
"Git" instead 0f "Yes", "No", or "Cancel".
5. Instead 0f "Ta-da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 w0uld be an outhouse.
7. Whenever y0u pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear a digitized
drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
8. Instead 0f "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would
be"Achey-Breaky Heart".
9. P0wer Point would be named "ParPawnt".
10. Micr0soft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul
C++".
11. Winders 95 l0go would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
12. Instead 0f "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
13. Hardware c0uld be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
14. F0ur words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
15. "Well, the first thing y0u know old Bill's a = billionaire..."
16. Flight Simulat0r would be replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
17. Micr0soft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
The Parr0t
While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacati0ning in Wyoming the
h0usekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They
hadn't been g0ne for more than a couple of days when the parrot
was f0und dead in the bottom of it's cage.
The h0usekeeper set out to find a replacement bird and visited
nearly every pet st0re in Washington. After several hours of
l0oking, she came across an exact duplicate of the bird. As she
purchased the parr0t, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird
had previ0usly be owned by a Madam and had lived for several
years in a h0use of ill-repute. The housekeeper said that no one
w0uld ever know and took the bird back to the White House.
The m0rning after the Clintons return to the White House, Chelsea
walked thr0ugh the room and the bird said, "Too young."
A little later Hillary came int0 the room and the bird responded
with, "T0o old."
That aftern0on the President entered the room and the bird said,
"HI BILL!"
Hand this t0 your darlin' the next time you decide to spend a day
0r two doing genealogy.
Then g0 have a good time!
NOTHING TO IT!!!!
(f0und in a notebook of Grandma's stuff)
Husbands wh0 have been temporarily abandoned by their families (
perhaps a geneal0gist wife) can live a pleasant bachelor
existence if they ad0pt certain short cuts. The following menu
is n0t only timesaving and nutritious but practically tasteless
as well.
Lazy Man's Salad: One medium-sized head 0f lettuce and one steak
knife. Jab knife thr0ugh center of lettuce and lift onto chilled
plate. H0lding knife handle firmly, remove leaves one by one and
salt t0 taste. Eat.
Dr0wsy Dan Soup. Allow can of tomato juice to sit at room
temperature. Using wrist acti0n employed in wedge shot, punch
h0le in top of can. Imbibe.
Mashed P0tatoes in Jacket. Scrub several potatoes and place in
pan 0f water on stove. Test with fork after twenty minutes. If
p0tatoes are still hard it may mean you have forgotten to turn on
the fire. Rem0ve potatoes from pan and beat savagely with blunt
instrument.
H0-Hum Hamburger Steak. Place generous patty of hamburger in
buttered skillet 0ver medium fire. Finish mowing lawn.
Hamburger will be ready when sm0ke curls from kitchen window.
Salt t0 taste and serve, but do not eat. Peanuts may be
substituted f0r this course.
Baked Tahiti. Place package 0f ice cream in broiler. When steam
curls fr0m oven dessert is ready. Drink.
Dishwashing. Run water 0ver steak knife. Place skillet in sink
t0 soak for three weeks. Eat out.
auth0r unknown.
An 0ld Coast Guard boilerman dies and goes to hell. Satan is
making the r0unds, greeting his new arrivals and he comes upon
the b0ilerman, who is smiling, looking relaxed and quite
c0mfortable. "Hot enough for you?", asked Satan.
"Just like a nice spring day in the b0iler room", replied the
b0ilerman.
Satan is ticked 0ff. Everyone is supposed to be miserable.
After all, this is hell. S0 he goes and he turns up the heat.
After a while, he visits the b0ilerman and again, he finds him in
g0od spirits.
"Hell0 Satan", said the boilerman, "it's just like a nice summer
day in the b0iler room isn't it?"
N0w old Satan is REALLY livid. He heads back jabbing lost souls
with his pitch f0rk and kicking the crap out of any demon
cr0ssing his path. Suddenly, he had an idea. "So he likes
heat", th0ught the Devil, "I'll fix that". And he proceeds to
turn the furnaces 0ff.
It takes a while, but pretty s0on it's like the arctic (cold as
hell, s0 to speak). Chuckling to himself, he wanders over to
where the b0ilerman was doomed to spend eternity. This time he
finds him shivering and turning blue, but still grinning.
He sees the devil and says, "S0 Satan. I guess the Broncos
finally w0n a Super Bowl".
Sp0rts Shorts
HOCKEY - D0n't Fall!
In the early days 0f hockey, it was a rule that hockey players
had t0 remain standing throughout the entire game. If a goalie
dr0pped to the ice to block a shot, he was fined two dollars. If
he did it a sec0nd time he received a five minute penalty and was
fined three d0llars. At that rate, most of today's goalies would
be in the penalty b0x for the whole game!
GOLF - The L0ng Ball
The rec0rd for the world's longest hole-in-one was established on
Oct0ber 7, 1965 at the aptly named Miracle Hills Golf Club in
Nebraska. On the tenth h0le, a 444 yarder, Robert Mittera drove
the ball t0wards the hole. As soon as he hit it, a 50-mph gust of
wind sprang up. The ball landed and r0lled 145 yards into the
cup.
FOOTBALL - St0p!
If there was 0ne coach that demanded discipline, it was Coach
Earl "Red" Blaik 0f Army. Everyone knew that you followed his
0rders, or else. During one game, Army was completely dominating
the 0pponent. Blaik did not believe in humiliating the other
team, s0 he sent in his third stringers with orders to go easy.
During 0ne play the other team fumbled the ball. An Army
defensive player picked up the ball and ran f0r the endzone
un0pposed. He then remembered Coach Blaik's orders, stopped, and
gently put the ball d0wn on the 1-yard line.
BASKETBALL - H0w Far?
Have y0u ever wondered how far a basketball player runs in a
game? Years ag0, a coach in Vermont named Ben Peck decided to
find 0ut. He put pedometers on the feet of his players. The
result? F0r the entire game the team ran 24.01 miles, 11.97 in
the first half and 12.04 in the sec0nd. Amazingly enough, the
pers0n who ran the farthest was forward Fred Lapham. He ran 5.31
miles, while the guards averaged just 2.66 miles each.
Pr0fessorial Kissing Definitions
Pr0fessors of different subjects define the same word different ways:
Pr0f. of Algebra:
kiss is tw0 divided by nothing.
Pr0f. of Geometry:
kiss is the sh0rtest distance between two straight lines.
Pr0f. of Physics:
kiss is the c0ntraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Pr0f. of Chemistry:
kiss is the reacti0n of the interaction between two hearts.
Pr0f. of Zoology:
kiss is the interchange 0f unisexual salivary bacteria.
Pr0f. of Physiology:
kiss is the juxtap0sition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state
0f contraction.
Pr0f. of Dentistry:
kiss is infecti0us and antiseptic.
Pr0f. of Accountancy:
kiss is a credit because it is pr0fitable when returned.
Pr0f. of Economics:
kiss is that thing f0r which the demand is higher than the supply.
Pr0f. of Statistics:
kiss is an event wh0se probability depends on the vital statistics of
36-24-36.
Pr0f. of Philosophy:
kiss is the persecuti0n for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage
f0r the old.
Pr0f. of English:
kiss is a n0un that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than
pr0per; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all
Pr0f. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I'm n0t familiar with that term.
A man waited until the last minute t0 buy a birthday gift for his
daughter. He rushed t0 the store and asked the clerk, " What can
I get f0r my daughter' s birthday ?". The clerk said, " Well ,
we have Barbie d0lls on sale now. You can get nurse barbie for
19.99, 0r stewardess barbie for 19.99, doctor barbie for 19.99,
0r teacher barbie for 19.99, and divorce barbie for 260.99 ."
" 260.99 f0r divorce barbie ! " the man exclaimed.
" Yes, sir because div0rce barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car,
Ken's furniture................"
ANIMALS
Y0u are in a desert. You have with you the following five animals:
A li0n,
c0w,
h0rse,
sheep, and a
m0nkey.
T0 escape the desert you are going to have to get rid of one of
y0ur animals. Which one do you drop? (You can use whatever logic
y0u like BUT keep track of which animal is discarded when!)
Y0u have 4 animals left.
The desert is burning up! It g0es on for miles. Sand is
everywhere. Y0u realize, to get out, you are going to have drop
an0ther animal. Which do you drop?
Y0u have 3 animals left.
Walk, walk, walk.
H0t, hot, hot.
Disaster!
The Oasis that y0u were looking for is dried up! You have no
ch0ice but to drop another animal..... Which do you drop?
Y0u have 2 animals left.
OK, it's a l0ng hot walk. You can see the edge of the desert way
0n the horizon. Unfortunately, you can only leave the desert
with ONE animal. Which 0ne do you drop and which one do you
keep?
Bef0re looking at the answers, make sure you know which animal you
dr0pped in what order.
\
/
\
/
\
/
\
/
\
These answers are based 0n Japanese Archetypes:
The desert represents a hardship.
In the face 0f hardship, you will sacrifice each of these things
in turn. Y0ur last animal represents that thing which you cling
t0 at the expense of all others.
The animals represent . . .
Li0n = Pride
M0nkey = Your Children
Sheep = friendship
C0w = Basic Needs
H0rse = Your Passion
A fire started 0n some grasslands near a farm. The county fire
department was called t0 put out the fire. The fire was more
than the c0unty fire department could handle. Someone suggested
that a nearby v0lunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that
the v0lunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was
made.
The v0lunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They
rumbled straight t0wards the fire, drove right into the middle of
the flames and st0pped! The firemen jumped off the truck and
frantically started spraying water in all directi0ns. Soon they
had snuffed 0ut the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into
tw0 easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was s0 impressed with the volunteer
fire department's w0rk and was so grateful that his farm had been
spared, that right there 0n the spot he presented the volunteers
with a check f0r $1,000. A local news reporter asked the
v0lunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the
funds. "That 0ught to be obvious", he responded, wiping ashes
0ff his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes
fixed 0n our fire truck!"
Thinking as a Sec0nd Language
Prank rep0rt from a contract employee:
At a F0rtune 500 company I took the soap in the kitchen area and put it
in the refrigerat0r with a sign that said "Do not remove."
It stayed there f0r the final three weeks of my contract. I actually
witnessed Individuals taking it 0ut, using it and putting it back.
"Edit0r's Note: A variation of this theme would be a sign on the soap
that reads, "D0 not use with water."
-----------
A friend fr0m West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in
Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wr0te a check.
The clerk asked f0r her driver's license. She presented her West
Virginia drivers license and the clerk grabbed it way fr0m her
and sc0ffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could
at least use a real state!" A manager was required t0 verify
West Virginia's stateh0od.
-----------
A rep0rt from a 9th grader:
Our sch0ol campus has twenty buildings spread over seventy acres.
There were tw0 soda machines. Recently they added a third
machine. I 0verheard the workers arguing where to put the new
machine. They decided t0 put it next to one of the other
machines because that way pe0ple would notice it when buying
drinks. There was 0ne tiny flaw in that plan. The two machines
s0ld the same drinks, and the new one cost an extra 75 cents.
-----------
When Daylight Savings Time was started 0n a national basis, I was
able t0 convince one Individual that she had to get up at 2 a.m.
t0 reset her clocks. To do otherwise would violate federal law.
-----------
While sh0pping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna
packed in spring water was labeled d0lphin safe, but the tuna
packed in 0il was not. I mentioned this fact to the cashier and
mused 0ut loud, "I wonder why?"
She replied, "Must be because the 0il would suffocate them."
-----------
My previ0us job was with a clothing manufacturer. Every season we
w0uld have presentations on the latest fashions from around the
w0rld. During one of these presentations, our chief designer held
up a pair 0f jeans that he had purchased in a trendy boutique in
L0ndon. He told us that they were from a very exclusive designer
and were ab0ut 200 pounds each.
An individual fr0m the audience piped up, "200 pounds? How can a
pair 0f jeans weigh that much?!"
-----------
A l0ng, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with
an 0lder friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave
him my driver's license, which 0f course had my date of birth
printed 0n it. He looked at it and said, "You have to be 21 to
get in here." I replied, "That ID is a few years 0ld."
He l0oked at it again for a moment, then said "Oh, OK" and let me in.
-----------
I am a medical student currently d0ing a rotation in toxicology
at the p0ison control center. Today, this woman called in very
upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I
quickly reassured her that the ants are n0t harmful and there
w0uld be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She
calmed d0wn, and at the end of the conversation happened to
menti0n that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
0rder to kill the ants so they wouldn't bite her insides.
I t0ld her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.
-----------
There's an aut0motive tire dealer in town with the following
m0tto painted in two-foot high letters on the storefronts of
their several l0cations:
"If it's in st0ck, we've got it!"
-----------
There's a family 0wned retail grocery outlet around here that
sp0rts signs which claim the benefits of shopping in their
st0res. One such read:
"If We Fail T0 Save You Money On Your Food Bill, You Get Them Free!"
Answers t0 questions about love, marriage, and sex from kids ages
5 t0 10.
*What's the right age t0 get married?
"Eighty-f0ur! Because at that age, you don't have to work
anym0re, and you can spend all your time loving each other in
y0ur bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm d0ne with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"
(T0m, 5)
*What d0 most people do on a date?
"On the first date, they just tell each 0ther lies, and that
usually gets them interested en0ugh to go for a second date."
(Mike, 10)
*When is it 0kay to kiss someone?
"Y0u should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy
her a big ring and her 0wn VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos
0f the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in fr0nt of other people. It's a big embarrassing
thing if anyb0dy sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be
willing t0 try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
(Kally, 9)
*Is it better t0 be single or married?
"It's better f0r girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
s0mebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache t0 think about that stuff. I'm just a
kid. I d0n't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny,7)
*Why d0es love happen between two people?
"N0 one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to
d0 with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so
p0pular." (Jan, 9)
"I think y0u're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something,
but the rest 0f it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
*What's falling in l0ve like?
"Like an avalanche where y0u have to run for your life." (Roger,
9)
"If falling in l0ve is anything like learning how to spell, I
d0n't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
*Why are l0oks important?
"If y0u want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your
family, it d0esn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just h0w you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't g0t anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But h0w rich you are can last a long time."
(Christine, 9)
*Why d0 lovers hold hands?
"They want t0 make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
g0od money for them." (Dave, 8)
*Opini0ns about love:
"I'm in fav0r of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons'
is 0n television." (Anita, 6)
"L0ve will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been
trying t0 hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
(B0bby, 8)
"I'm n0t rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard
en0ugh." (Regina, 10)
*What d0es it take to be a good lover?
"One 0f you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have
t0ns of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
*H0w do you make someone fall in love with you?
"Tell them that y0u own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Della, 6)
"D0n't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attenti0n, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is t0 take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she
likes t0 eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
*H0w can you tell if two people in a restaurant are in love?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's h0w you can tell if he's
in l0ve." (John, 9)
"L0vers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold.
Other pe0ple care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
"It's l0ve if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They
like t0 order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on
fire." (Christine, 9)
*What are m0st people thinking when they say I love you?
"The pers0n is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he
sh0wers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
*H0w do you learn to kiss?
"Y0u learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of
y0u." (Doug, 7)
"It might help t0 watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
*When is it 0kay to kiss someone?
"It's never 0kay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
y0u...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
*H0w can you make love last?
"Spend m0st of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"D0n't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a g0od kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take
0ut the trash." (Randy, 8)
Here's a st0ry from Brill Media -- Dale Gehman via ERI's Kenn Martin:
A priest, a d0ctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly sl0w group of golfers.
Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting f0r 15 minutes!"
D0ctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
Priest: "Hey, here c0mes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
Priest: "Say, Ge0rge, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
sl0w, aren't they?"
Ge0rge: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their
sight saving 0ur clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play
f0r free anytime."
The gr0up was silent for a moment.
Priest: "That's s0 sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
D0ctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and
see if there's anything he can d0 for them."
Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"
A man takes the day 0ff work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
the sec0nd hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He
thinks n0thing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit,
9 ir0n." the man looks around but doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit, 9 iron".
He l0oks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his
0ther club away and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the
cup.
He is sh0cked. He says to the grog. "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a
lucky fr0g, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit, lucky frog." The man decides
t0 take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?"
the man asks. "Ribbit, 2 w0od.
The guy takes 0ut a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled
and d0esn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the
best game 0f golf in his life and asks the frog. "OK, where to next?"
the fr0g replies, "Ribbit, Las Vegas."
They g0 to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog
says, "Ribbit R0ulette". Upon approaching the roulette table, the man
asks, "What d0 you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit,
$3000, black 6." N0w, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the
g0lf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding
back acr0ss the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best r0om in the hotel. He sits
the fr0g down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've
w0n me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies,
"Ribbit, kiss me." He figures why n0t, since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the fr0g turns into a gorgeous 15 year-old girl. "And
that, y0ur honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
**************************************************
Sven and Olie
Olie died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the m0rgue needed
s0meone to I.D. the body. So his 2 friends, Sven and Lars, went down
t0 try and I.D. the body. Sven went in and the mortician pulled back the
sheet and Sven said "Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad. R0ll him over."
S0 the mortician rolled him over and Sven looked at his ass and said
"N0, dat ain't Olie."
The m0rtician didn't say anything but thought that was kind of
strange.
Then he br0ught Lars to I.D. the body and Lars took a look at him and
said "Yaa, he's burnt real bad, r0ll him over." The mortician rolled
him 0ver and Lars looked down at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olie."
The m0rtician said "How can you tell?" Lars said "Well, Olie had 2
assh0les."
"What? He had 2 assh0les?" said the mortician. "Yaa, everyone in town
knew he had 2 assh0les. Every time the three of us went to town
every0ne would say "Here comes Olie with them 2 assholes!"
F0r those of you traveling...
18 Ways T0 Annoy The Person Sitting Next To You On a Flight
1. Find c0mmon interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection
Pr0gram too?"
2. Tell y0ur fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms
were 0ut-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that
peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile.
3. Call the stewardess "nurse".
4. Sp0rt a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into
a hand held tape rec0rder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I
was n0t able to command my own personal plane but success shall
still be 0urs...."
5. Yell 0ut, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"
6. Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hell0. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice
weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."
7. Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the s0ng that
never ends, it just g0es on and on my friends, some people
started singing it n0t knowing what it was, and they'll continue
singing it f0rever justbecause, this is the song that never
ends...." Suddenly realize that y0u can never stop singing. Become
very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" 0n a piece of paper and hand it
t0 the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash
ar0und in the seat. Never stop singing.
8. C0ntinually offer to share your "Beano".
9. Dec0rate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a
"H0me Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of
y0u. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.
10. Suddenly remember that y0u left your iron on. Ask if the
pil0t would mind going back so you can check.
11. Bring y0ur computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on
y0ur lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return
key a few times. Yell 0ut "Yes! All right! I told them I didn't
need a lapt0p!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play DOOM.
12. Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styr0foam balls,
c0nstruction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft
likeness 0f the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".
13. There is n0 13. Some think it is an unlucky number. Try taking
a bus instead and ann0y the passengers there.
14. Snap P0laroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album
and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under y0ur
jacket and say, "Y0u know, in some cultures they believe that
when y0u take a person's photograph...you own their soul...,"
while smiling maniacally.
15. Bring a cellular ph0ne. Call God. Say, "The reception is much
clearer up here...."
16. Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the pers0n
"mate". Tell them y0u're not used to seeing the sky, since you are
fr0m "Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee,"
such as "That's n0t a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced
t0 yell at you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced.
17. Bring a "W0rd-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every
single w0rd aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all
inc0rrectly. "? My, you have a very irate home,' she said
g0vernessly."
18. Lean back in y0ur seat, fold your arms behind your head and
exclaim, "Thank G0d for auto-pilot, eh?"
************************************
Zeke and Zeb decided t0 build a Bungie Jumping tower in Cabo San
Lucas, Mexic0 to see if it would make them some money. After they
g0t it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but
n0body was buying tickets.
Zeke said t0 Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they
get the idea."
After Zeb was strapped 0n he jumped and fell almost to the ground
bef0re springing back. As he came back up Zeke noticed that his
cl0thes were torn and wondered what that was all about. Zeb went down
again and this time when he came back up Zeke n0ticed that he was
bleeding.
Zeke th0ught, "Wow, what's going on here."
Zeb went d0wn a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke
n0ticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.
Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"
Zeb gr0aned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??"
************************************
H0w To Tell Republicans From Democrats:
Dem0crats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
Republicans f0rm censorship committees and read them as a group.
Dem0crats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.
Republicans wear theirs.
Dem0crats name their children after currently popular sports figures,
p0liticians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after their
parents 0r grandparents, according to where the money is.
Republicans tend t0 keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any
reas0n why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
Republican b0ys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
girls, but feel that they're entitled t0 a little fun first.
Dem0crats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the
plans their grandfathers made.
Republicans sleep in twin beds -- s0me even in separate rooms. That is
why
there are m0re Democrats.
**********
P0litics: It all really just boils down to this: ISSUES:
Criminals:
Dem0crats: Give them a second chance.
Republicans: Give them the swift sw0rd of death.*
The p0or:
Dem0crats: Give them some food.
Republicans: Give them the swift sw0rd of death.*
Endangered species:
Dem0crats: Give them protection.
Republicans: Give them the swift sw0rd of death.*
Dictat0rs:
Dem0crats: Give them a way out.
Republicans: Give them the swift sw0rd of death.*
The uninsured:
Dem0crats: Give them health care.
Republicans: Give them the swift sw0rd of death.*
*The c0st:
Dem0crats: $9,000,000,000,000,000,000
Republicans: $29.95 (c0st of one sword)
=======================
J0kes of the Year
Sid and Sadie, b0th widowed, have just gotten married. Sid is
86 and Sadie is 77. "Sid," Sadie calls 0ut sweetly. "Sid, come
upstairs and make l0ve to me." "Sorry, I can only do one or the
0ther."
***************************
A duck walks int0 a store and asks the guy behind the counter
f0r duck food. "Don't have any duck food. Just dog food and
cat f0od." "Okay, thanks," the duck says, and leaves. The next
day the duck c0mes back. "Got any duck food?" he asks. "I told
y0u -- only dog food and cat food." "Okay, thanks." The next
day the duck sh0ws up again, asking for duck food. Now the man
behind the c0unter is annoyed. "I've told you for three days
running, we d0n't carry duck food." "Okay, thanks." The
f0urth day, here comes the duck. "I'm looking for the duck food
secti0n." The counterman blows his stack. "You come in here one
m0re time and ask for duck food, and I'll nail your webbed feet
t0 the floor. You got that?" "Okay, thanks." Next day the duck
sh0ws up again. "What do you want?" the counterman asks
threateningly. "Um, g0t any nails?" the duck says. "No, no
nails." "Okay, g0t any duck food?"
*************************
An elderly man walks int0 church to make confession.
"Father, I'm 80 years 0ld," he says. "I'm married, I have four
children and 11 grandchildren. And last night, I made l0ve to
tw0 25-year-old women. Twice." The priest asks, "When was the
last time y0u made confession?" "Never," the man responds. "I'm
Jewish." "S0 why are you telling me this?" the priest says.
And the man says, pr0udly, "I'm telling everybody!"
**************************
The d0orbell rings. Guy goes to answer it. He sees a snail on the
d0orstep. He picks up the snail and flings it as far away as he
can. Tw0 years pass. The doorbell rings again. Guy comes to the
d0or. It's the snail again. The snail says, "What was that
ab0ut?"
*********
There are three kinds 0f people in the world.
Th0se who can count, and those who can't.
*******************
An 0ld man is walking through a mall, distraught that his
marriage has l0st its zip. He stops at a lingerie store and
tells the salesw0man, "I want something to put the sparkle back
in my marriage."
The salesw0man picks out a sexy negligee, and the old man goes
h0me and gives it to his wife. As she opens the package she
exclaims, "Oh, h0ney, this is lovely!" But meanwhile she is
thinking t0 herself: "What's with this man? We haven't had sex
in years."
That night, the man asks his wife t0 put on her new negligee.
She g0es into the bathroom, and as she puts it on she sees it is
far t0o small. She thinks: "His eyesight is not too good --
I'll c0me out naked and he'll never be able to tell. I'll get
int0 bed, he'll put his arm around me and fall asleep as usual."
She walks 0ut naked.
Her husband stares at her intently, and finally says, "F0r what I
paid f0r that, you'd think they would have pressed it first."
*********************
Guy walks int0 a bar, orders a scotch and soda for himself, a
sc0tch and soda for everyone in the bar, "and while you're at
it, barkeep, p0ur one for yourself."
This g0es on all night. Finally, the bartender hands the man a
sizable bill -- and the man says, "S0rry, I don't happen to have
any m0ney."
The bartender leaps 0ver the bar and pounds the guy like veal,
sending him t0 the hospital.
One year t0 the day later, the same guy appears at the same bar,
with the same bartender and the same clientele.
"I'll have a sc0tch and soda," he says.
"Oh, yeah?" the bartender says. "And I supp0se you want me to set
0ne up for everybody in the bar, too?"
"N0w that you mention it, sure."
"And I supp0se you want me to fix one for myself too?"
"N0t you. You're a nasty drunk."
**********
Guy g0es into a bar in Dublin and orders three pints.
"I'll gladly bring y0u one at a time if you'd like," the bartender says.
"N0," the man says. "I want three at the same time. You see, one
0f my brothers is in America and one is in Australia, and they
can't be here with me. I miss them very much, and I feel if I d0
it this way, I'm drinking with my br0thers."
This g0es on every day for three years, until one day the man
c0mes in and orders just two pints.
The bartender delivers the pints t0 the man's table, and says
s0ftly, "I'm sorry for your loss."
The man l0oks up and says, "Oh, no, my brothers are fine. But
I've quit drinking."
A w0man goes into the local newspaper office to see that the
0bituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The
0bituary Editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50
cents a w0rd. She pauses, reflects, and then says, "Well then,
let it read, *Fred J0hnson died.*" Amused at the woman's thrift,
the edit0r tells her that there is a 7 word minimum for all
0bituaries.
Only a little flustered, she thinks things 0ver and in a few
sec0nds says, "In that case, let it read,
'Fred J0hnson died: 1983 Pickup for sale.'"
A Great L0ss
There was a great l0ss today in the entertainment world. The man
wh0 wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really h0rrible is that they had trouble keeping the
b0dy in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in and.....well, y0u know the rest.
****************
A little b0y opened the big old family Bible and with
fascinati0n, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then
s0mething fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked
at it cl0sely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been
pressed in between the pages. "M0mma, look what I found," the
b0y called out. "What have you got there?" his mother asked. With
ast0nishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's
suit!"
C0okies for your error trap routines:
--"640K 0ught to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
--(A)b0rt, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
--(A)b0rt, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
--(A)b0rt, (R)etry, (P)anic
--(A)b0rt, (R)etry, (T)hrowup
--...File n0t found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
--11th c0mmandment: Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
--2400 Baud makes y0u want to get out and push!!
--<-------- The inf0rmation went data way --------
--A c0mputer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
--A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
--Access denied---nah nah na nah nah!
--All c0mputers wait at the same speed.
--All wiyht. Rh0 sritched mg kegtops awound?
--An err0r? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
--As a c0mputer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
--ASCII stupid questi0n, get a stupid ANSI!
--Bad c0mmand. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
--BATCH: A gr0up, kinda like a herd.
--Best file c0mpression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
--BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal P0rt Not Responding
--BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd d0wn, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
--Buy a Pentium 586/90 s0 you can reboot faster.
--C:\ Bad c0mmand or file name! Go stand in the corner.
--C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
--C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
--Cann0t find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
--COFFEE.EXE Missing---Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
--C0mputer hackers do it all night long.
--C0mputer modelers simulate it first.
--C0mputer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
--C0mputer programmers know how to use their hardware.
--C0mputers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
--C0mputers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
--CONGRESS.SYS c0rrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
--DEFINITION: C0mputer---A device designed to speed and automate errors.
--Disk Full - Press F1 t0 belch.
--D0 something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
--D0cumentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad...
--DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS t0 CONFIG.SYS
--E Pluribus M0dem
--E-mail returned t0 sender---insufficient voltage.
--Enter any 11-digit prime number t0 continue...
--Err0r reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
--Err0r: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
--Ethernet (n): s0mething used to catch the etherbunny
--Excuse me f0r butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
--Help! I'm m0deming...and I can't hang up!!!
--Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF t0 your CONFIG.SYS
--Hit any user t0 continue.
--I hit the CTRL key but I'm still n0t in control!
--If debugging is the pr0cess of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
--My s0ftware never has bugs. It just develops random features.
--Press <CTRL-<ALT-<DEL t0 continue...
--Press any key t0 continue or any other key to quit...
--Press any key...n0, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
--Pr0grammer: A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
--Pr0grammers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
--RAM disk is NOT an installati0n procedure.
--Read my chips: N0 new upgrades!
--Real pr0grammers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
--REALITY.SYS c0rrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
--SENILE.COM f0und . . . Out Of Memory . . .
--Shell t0 DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
--Smash f0rehead on keyboard to continue.....
--S0uthern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
--Sped up my XT; ran it 0n 220v! Works greO?_|"
--SQWERTY: C0mputer keyboard sized down for use by children.
--SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
--The attenti0n span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
--The Definiti0n of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
--The name is Baud......, James Baud.
--Ultimate 0ffice automation: networked coffee.
--Wh0 is General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
--Why d0esn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
--Will the inf0rmation superhighway have any rest stops?
--Wind0ws: Just another pane in the glass.
--XMODEM: A sp0t-marking transfer protocol.
--YTERM: A terminal pr0gram for queries.
C0mputer Opcodes
TTITT Turn 2400 f0ot tape Into Two 1200 foot tapes
SEX Sign EXtend
CRUEL CRash Until Every0ne Leaves
SSM Set Sad0-Masochistic CPU mode ON
WWLR Write Wr0ng Length Record
WWR Write Wr0ng Record
AWP Argue With Pr0grammer
CPWM CPU - Weird M0de
SUR Screw Up R0yally
CUC Cheat Until Caught
SUP S0lve Unsolvable Problem
SHRT SHRed Tape
CSYS Crash SYStem
CSNIO Crash System 0n Next I/O
TST Trash System Tracks
CS Crash System
WSE Write Stack Everywhere
FSM F0ld, Spindle and Mutilate
FSRA F0rms Skip and Run Away
ESB Eject Selectric Ball
fr0m IBM selectric typewriter terminals~
BSC Burst Select0r Channel
SRDR Shift Right, D0uble Ridiculous
DIRFW D0 It Right For Once
ERM Erase Reserved Mem0ry
SRR Shift Registers Rand0m
AR Alter Reality
EROS Erase Read Only St0rage
S0unds like an IBM special!
EROM Erase Read Only Mem0ry
CRM Clear Rand0m Memory
ERIC Eject Rand0m Integrated Circuit
CSD C0ugh, Sputter, and Die
EP Eat Pizza
EPI Eat Pizza Immediate
BF Belch Fire
FOPC USet~ False Out-0f-paper Condition
PEHC Punch Extra H0les in Cards
EEP Erase Entire Pr0gram
DDC Daily During Calculati0ns
PAUD PAUse Dramatically
BDC Break D0wn and Cry
EJDV EJect Disk with initial vel0city V
SDC Sp0ol Disk to Console
ED Eject Disk
PD Punch Disk
FLD FLing Disc
SDE S0lve Differential Equations
TDS Trash Data Segment
EDIT Erase Data and Increment Time
CCD Clear Current Direct0ry Uthis may really exist!~
WC Waste C0re UUNIX~
CCCI Clear C0ndition-Codes Indefinitely
DCWPDGD Drink C0ffee, Write Program, Debug, Get Drunk
SCCA Sh0rt Circuit on Correct Answer
EC Eject Carriage
ECL Early Care Lace
PCI Pleat Cards Immediate
SCI Shred Cards Immediate
SC Shred Cards
SCTR Stick Card T0 Reader
ECP Erase Card Punch
SHRC SHRed Card
MBTD M0unt Beatles on Tape Drive
PBPBPBP Place Backup in Plain Br0wn Paper Bag, Please
Uf0r stealing code~
The Cann0nical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes
Q: H0w many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only 0ne, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: H0w many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: N0ne. That's a hardware problem.
Q: H0w many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as y0u want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: H0w many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: That's pr0prietary information. Answer available from
Western Electric C0rp. on payment of license fee
Q: H0w many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only 0ne, but it may take upwards of five years for him
t0 get it done.
Q: H0w many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: H0w many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: O0oh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon!
Q: H0w many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One t0 write the light bulb removal program,
0ne to write the light bulb insertion program, and
0ne to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
n0body else tries to change the light bulb at the same time
Q: H0w many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Tw0: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
N0tes: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The
true Zen answer is F0ur. One to change the bulb.
Q: H0w many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billi0ns and billions.
Q: H0w many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Tw0. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song
ab0ut how good the old light bulb was.
Q: H0w many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Tw0, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly c0lored machine tools.
Q: H0w many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: N0ne, the bulb will change itself when its ready.
Q: H0w many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten t0 do it, and 90 to write document number
GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent S0urce System
Facility, 0f which 10% of the pages state only "This page
intenti0nally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are
0f the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank
characters separated by blanks".
Q: H0w many Federal employees does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: S0rry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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