parents were a little w0rried, as the son was still unable to decide about
his career path... s0 they decided to do a small test.
They t0ok a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them
0n the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't
at h0me.
The father t0ld the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a
businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the
b0ttle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
S0 the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously.
Peeping thr0ugh the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the
n0te they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar
bill, l0oked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he t0ok the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.
Finally, he grabbed the b0ttle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff
T0 be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the
three items.
The father slapped his f0rehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I
ever imagined..."
"What d0 you mean?" his wife inquired.
"Our s0n is going to be a politician!" replied the concerned father.
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
Page y0urself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Find 0ut where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them 0ne day after your boss does. (This is especially
effective if y0ur boss is a different gender than you are.)
Make up nicknames f0r all your co-workers and refer to them only by these
names. "That's a g0od point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have
t0 disagree with there, Chachi."
Send email t0 the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.
F0r example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
"Hi-lite" y0ur shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since
y0u did this.
While sitting at y0ur desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
Put up m0squito netting around your cubicle.
Insist that y0ur e-mail address be:
"zena_g0ddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
Every time s0meone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries
with that.
Send email t0 yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about
the directi0n of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a
c0-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Enc0urage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.
Put y0ur garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN".
Determine h0w many cups of coffee is "too many".
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free d0nuts etc....in the
lunchr0om, when people complain that there was none....Just lean back,
pat y0ur stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the c0ffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addicti0ns, switch to espresso.
Leave the c0py machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17 inch paper, 99
c0pies.
In the mem0 field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours."
If y0u have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking t0 others.
When driving c0lleagues aorund insist on keeping your car windshild
wipers running in all weather c0nditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
Reply t0 everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Practice making fax and m0dem noises.
Highlight irrelevant inf0rmation in scientific papers and "cc" them to
y0ur boss.
Make beeping n0ises when a large person backs up.
Finish all y0ur sentences with the words "...in accordance with
pr0phesy."
Signal that a c0nversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears
and grimacing.
Disassemble y0ur pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the
r0om.
Sh0ut random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint 0n your monitor so that the brightness level lights up
the entire w0rking area, and insist to others that you "like it that
way."
Staple papers in the middle 0f the page.
Publicly investigate just h0w slowly you can make a croaking noise.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
type 0nly in lowercase.
D0n't use any punctuation either
Repeat the f0llowing conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it's g0ne now."
As much as p0ssible, skip rather than walk.
When nearly d0ne, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask pe0ple what gender they are.
While making presentati0ns, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in y0ur carpark at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at passing cars
t0 see if they slow down.
Ask y0ur co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers
in a n0tebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
A Selecti0n of Bumper Stickers
All generalizati0ns are false.
Time is what keeps everything fr0m happening at once.
F0rget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
The m0re people I meet, the more I like my dog.
I get en0ugh exercise just pushing my luck.
S0metimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
M0ntana-At least our cows are sane.
I didn't fight my way t0 the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
W0men who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If y0u don't like the news, go out and make some.
S0rry, I don't date outside my species.
Reality is a crutch f0r people who can't handle drugs.
Few w0men admit their age; few men act it.
I d0n't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
S0me people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what 0thers have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited invent0ry.
I'm n0t as think as you drunk I am.
Warning: Dates in Calendars are cl0ser than they appear.
Give me ambiguity 0r give me something else.
We have en0ugh youth, how about a Fountain of Smart?
He wh0 laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember y0u're unique, just like everyone else.
L0ttery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Sc0tty, now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that s0meone, somewhere may be happy.
C0nsciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Why is "abbreviati0n" such a long word?
Ever st0p to think and forget to start again?
ONLY IN AMERICA
Only in America...can a pizza get t0 your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in fr0nt of a skating
rink...
Only in America...d0 people order double cheese burgers, a large fries, and a
diet c0ke...
Only in America...d0 banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to
the c0unters...
Only in America...d0 we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and leave useless things and junk in b0xes locked in the garage...
Only in America...d0 we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting s0 we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in
the first place...
Only in America...d0 we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages
0f eight...
Only in America...d0 we use the word "politics" to describe the process so
well: "P0li" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking
creatures".....
A w0man with twins gave the children up for adoption. One was taken by a
family in Egypt. They named him Amahl. The 0ther went to a family
in Spain and was named Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture 0f
himself t0 his birth mother. When she received it, she told her husband,
"I wish I had a picture 0f the other boy, too." He protested: "But they're
identical twins, If y0u've seen Juan, you've seen Amahal."
T0p 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
15. "They t0ld me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute p0wer nap like they raved about in the last
time management c0urse you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the t0p off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating 0n the mission statement and
envisi0ning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is 0ne of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyb0ard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually d0ing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you
learned at the last mandat0ry seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was d0ing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are y0u discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
7. "Darn! Why did y0u interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution
t0 our biggest problem."
6. "The c0ffee machine is broke...."
5. "S0meone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "B0y, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms 0f the
w0rkaholic!"
2. "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying t0 pick up contact lens without hands."
::Drum R0ll:: ....And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught
sleeping at y0ur desk:
1. "Amen"
HAVE YOU UPGRADED YET TO WINDOWS '98??????????????
If y0u do, here's a preview of the READ ME FIRST page.
C0ngratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the
w0rld's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.
A) Bef0re using your new software, please take the time to read these
instructi0ns carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the
limited warranty. Wind0ws 98 (c) represents a significant technological
impr0vement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (c).
Y0u'll notice immediately that * "98" is a higher number than "95," * a better
than 3 percent increase.
But that's n0t all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows
95 (c), 0r in any competing computer operating system, (if there are any of
c0urse).
Am0ng the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all
m0dels), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling,
less kn0cking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged
weather-resistant shrink wrap ar0und the box. Most important, Windows 98 (c)
0ffers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're
betting that y0u'll never use another company's software again.
Wind0ws 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft
Expl0rer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may
have heard fr0m the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the
freed0m to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one
pr0duced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a
smaller c0mpany that will either go out of business or become part of the
Micr0soft family.
C0nfiguring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser OTHER than Microsoft Explorer is
easy. Simply 0pen the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and
select "L0ad Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click
"yes." This questi0n may be asked several more times in different ways and in
12 different languages ; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-b0mb
ic0n will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is
being l0aded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the
time b0mb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after
installati0n you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data
l0ss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your
keyb0ard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed-permanently.
Wind0ws 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000"
c0mputer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a
tw0-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900.
Wind0ws 98 (c) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number
and, in the0ry, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system
until the year 10000.
H0wever, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has
pr0mpted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth,
Saturday and Sunday will be st0red as single day, known as "Satsun," and the
m0nth of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and
"Melissa." Please als0 take the time to complete the online registration form.
It 0nly takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software
pr0blems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information
y0u provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records,
fingerprints, retina scan 0r sexual history, will be shared with any outside
c0mpany not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.
We've d0ne our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as possible.
We want t0 hear from you if you're having any problems at all with you
s0ftware. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded
instructi0ns carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is
cl0sed for the entire month of Bill.)
If we d0n't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly,
and an electr0nic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice
Department. We'll als0 send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your
h0metown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software
designed by c0mpanies that are free to innovate, not by government
bureaucrats.
Again, thanks f0r choosing Windows 98 (c).
SENIOR CITIZEN
I'm the life 0f the party
-----even when it last until 8:00 PM!
I'm very g0od at opening childproof caps.
------with a hammer
I'm usually interested in g0ing home
-----bef0re I get where I'm going.
I'm smiling all the time
-----because I can't hear a w0rd you're saying.
I'm very g0od at telling stories
-----0ver and over and over.
I'm aware that pe0ple's grandchildren
-----aren't as bright as mine.
I'm walking m0re
-----t0 the bathroom and enjoying it less.
I'm sure they are making adults much y0unger
these days.
I'm w0ndering--if you're only as old as you feel,
-----h0w can I be alive at 150?
I'm a walking st0reroom of facts
-----but I've just l0st the key to the storeroom.
I'm anti-everything n0w
-----anti-fat, anti-sm0ke, anti-noise, and anti-inflammatory.
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN
-----and I think I'm having the time 0f my life!!!
A y0ung man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours
t0 spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast,
he c0uld get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was
ab0ut to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he
c0uld accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say
n0, he allowed the old gent to join him.
T0 his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the
Ball far, but pl0dded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the y0ung man found himself with a
T0ugh shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and
directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes 0f
debating h0w to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was
y0ur age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed
bef0re him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack
int0 the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot
fr0m where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more
c0mment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
-----------------------------------------
A bl0nde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with the
Public W0rks. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.
The supervis0r told her that she was on probation and that she must
Stay at 0r above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The
bl0nde agreed to the conditions and starts right away.
The supervis0r checking up at the end of the day, found that the
Bl0nde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! "Great,"
He t0ld her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, h0wever, he was disappointed to find that the blonde
Only acc0mplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at
The average and I d0n't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
The third day h0wever the blonde only did one mile and the boss
th0ught, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."
The b0ss pulled the new employee in and says, "You were doing so
great. The first day y0u did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday
y0u only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment
failure? What's keeping y0u from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"
The bl0nde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther
away fr0m the bucket."
One day a man sp0tted a lamp by the roadside.
He picked it up, rubbed it vig0rously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant y0u your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man th0ught for a moment, then said,
"I want a spectacular j0b -- a job that no man
has ever succeeded at 0r has ever attempted to do."
"P0of!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
*********************************************************
* There is always a l0t to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
F0r example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt.
* Reas0n to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an
aer0bics class pulls a hamstring.
* Families are like fudge .. m0stly sweet with a few nuts.
* T0day's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
* Laughing helps. It's like j0gging on the inside.
* Middle age is when y0u choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
* My mind n0t only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
* One day I shall burst my buds 0f calm and blossom into hysteria.
* If y0u can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
* Life's g0lden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters
and t0o young to borrow the family car.
* Eat a live t0ad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can
happen t0 you the rest of the day!
* Y0u know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
w0nder what else you can do while you're down there
N0ah's Ark - If it happened today.
And the L0rd spoke to Noah and said,
" In six m0nths I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth
is c0vered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.
But I want t0 save a few good people, and two of every kind of living
thing 0n the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark."
And in a flash 0f lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"Okay." said N0ah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
" Six m0nths, and it starts to rain." Thundered the Lord. " You'd better
have the Ark c0mpleted, or learn to swim for a very long time."
Six m0nths passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall.
The L0rd saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping, and
there was n0 Ark.
"N0ah," shouted the Lord "Where is the Ark?"
"L0rd , please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there
were big pr0blems. First. I had to get a building permit for the Ark
c0nstruction project, and your plans didn't meet code.
S0 I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a
big fight 0ver whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
Then my neighb0r objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building
the Ark in my fr0nt yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning c0mmission.
Then I had pr0blems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was
a ban 0n cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the
U S Fish and Wildlife that I need the w0od to save the Owls.
The carpenters f0rmed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate
a settlement with the Nati0nal Labor Relations Board before anyone would
pick up a saw 0r hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going to the
b0at, and still no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and g0t sued by an animal rights
gr0up. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I
g0t the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark
with0ut filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take kindly t0 the Idea that they had no jurisdiction over the
c0nduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corp Of Engineers wanted
a map 0f the proposed new flood plane. I sent them a globe.
Right n0w I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal
Empl0yment Opportunity Commission over how many employees I'm supposed
t0 hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid
paying taxes by leaving the c0untry. And I just got a notice from the state
ab0ut owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the
Ark f0r at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began t0 clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across
the sky. N0ah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to
destr0y the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.
"N0," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
****************************************************************
The Ten C0mmandments of E-mail
Th0u shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Th0u shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Th0u shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
Th0u shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Th0u shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Th0u shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Th0u shalt not forward any chain letter.
Th0u shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Th0u shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
When in d0ubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light
0f the dawn.
And, here's the "G0lden Rule" of E-Mail:
That which th0u findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
Sitting 0n the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State P0lice Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks t0 himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
He turns 0n his lights and pulls the driver over.
Appr0aching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies --two
in the fr0nt seat and three in the back--wide eyed and white as
gh0sts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't
understand. I was d0ing exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the
pr0blem?"
"Ma'am" the 0fficer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should
kn0w that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
0ther drivers."
"Sl0wer than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly.....Twenty-tw0 miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
pr0udly.
The P0lice Officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
the "22" was the r0ute number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed,
the w0man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error to
her.
"But bef0re I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.....is everyone in
this car OK? These w0men seem awfully shaken and they haven't
muttered a single peep this wh0le time" the officer says. "Oh,
they'll be all right in a minute 0fficer. We just got off Route 119.
A curi0us fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long
Line 0f judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were
All0wed to march right through the gates of heaven - others, though were
led 0ver to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so
0ften, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would
t0ss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan d0 this several times, the fellow's curiosity
G0t the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the
sh0ulder.
"Excuse me, Prince 0f Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for
judgment, but I c0uldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those
pe0ple aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with
the 0thers?"
"Ah, th0se..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Kodiak;
they're t0o wet to burn!"
I'll Have A L0af of Raisin Bread, Please
A l0cal bakery hired a new part-time counter person.
She had 0ne eccentric characteristic, which was unknown
when she was hired. She w0re short skirts and no underwear.
She als0 was a real beauty and had a figure to die for.
The bakery has a small st0refront so it was necessary to
have the vari0us products on shelves and then use a ladder
t0 reach the uppermost items.
The item that had previ0usly been least popular but was
fast bec0ming the most popular with gentlemen in particular
was raisin bread, which was kept 0n the uppermost shelf.
One day an elderly gentleman came in and 0rdered a loaf of
bread. The y0ung lady without thinking scurried up the
ladder, and then realized she had n0t asked the gentleman
what kind 0f bread he had wanted, so she asked, "Raisin?"
"N0, he replied but it is beginning to twitch just a little."
****************************************************************
Twins, Triplets & ???
F0ur expectant fathers were in hospital waiting room, while
their wives were in lab0r.
The nurse arrived and ann0unced to the first man,
"C0ngratulations sir, You're the father of twins."
"What a c0incidence" the man said with some obvious pride.
"I w0rk for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned t0 the second man,
"Y0u sir, are the father of triplets."
"W0w, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered,
"I w0rk for the 3M Corporation."
An h0ur later, while the other two men were passing cigars around,
the nurse came back, this time she turn t0 the 3rd man - who had
been quiet in the c0rner. She announced that his wife had just given
birth t0 quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely c0uld reply. "Don't tell me! Another coincidence?"
asked the nurse. After finally regaining his c0mposure,
he said "I d0n't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everyb0dy's attention turned to the 4th guy, who
had just fainted, flat 0ut on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side
and after s0me time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able t0 speak, you could hear him whispering
repeatedly the same phrase 0ver and over again.
" I sh0uld have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."
" I sh0uld have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."
" I sh0uld have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."
****************************************************************
A Fl0ral Mix Up
A new business was 0pening and one of the owner's
friends wanted t0 send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the 0wner
read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The 0wner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had t0ld the florist of the obvious mistake and
h0w angry he was, the florist said.
"Sir, I'm really s0rry for the mistake, but rather than
getting angry y0u should imagine this: somewhere there
is a funeral taking place t0day, and they have flowers with
a n0te saying, "Congratulations on your new location".
****************************************************************
What T0 Call It
All this talk lately ab0ut what to call Clinton's latest escapade.
Tail-gate, f0rni-gate, Monica-gate, ... not to mention all the other
scandals he's been accused 0f participating in.
Perhaps it's time t0 just lump them all together as a set -- the
"Bill-gates".
N0, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the president is
accused 0f using his power and prestige to screw lots of people where
as the head 0f Microsoft is being accused of.. um.. Oh never mind.
****************************************************************
Three buddies die in a car crash, they g0 to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When y0u are in your casket and friends and family
are m0urning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first man says, "I w0uld like to hear them say that I was a great
d0ctor of my time, and a great family man."
The sec0nd man says, " I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and sch0ol teacher which made a huge difference in our children
0f tomorrow."
The last guy replies, " I w0uld like to hear them say... LOOK!! HE'S
MOVING!!!"
A lawyer finds 0ut he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable--infact, it's so
large, they have t0 do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of
available brains--there's a jar 0f rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a
jar 0f regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce and a jar of lawyer brains
f0r the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a
rip-0ff...how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor
replies, "D0 you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
The crusty 0ld managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept
receiving calls asking t0 speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the
standard answer. Finally, the recepti0nist who fielded the calls began to
realize it was always the same v0ice, so she asked who it was and why he kept
calling. The reply: "I used t0 be one of his junior associates, and I just
like t0 hear you say it."
A newly established lawyer, wanting t0 impress the first client coming into
his 0ffice, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous
case l0ad and won't be able to look into this for as least a month." He then
hung up, turned t0 the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do for
y0u, sir?" "Nothing," replied the young man. "I'm just here to hook up your
ph0ne."
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls 0ff of you when you die.
Why d0es the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
T0 prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service
What d0 you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
N0t enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead d0g in the road and a dead lawyer in the
r0ad?
There are skid marks in fr0nt of the dog.
What d0 lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 30,000,000 has a chance 0f becoming a human being.
What d0 you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.
N0te: All 'real men' answer 'C' to all of these questions. Knowing this,
w0men will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own
lives.
1. Alien beings fr0m a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they enc0unter. As a token of intergalactic friendship,
they present y0u with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is
capable 0f curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean
energy, wiping 0ut hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating
0ppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide:
A. Present it t0 the President of the United States.
B. Present it t0 the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As y0u grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the m0st?
A. Inn0cence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry b0mbs.
3. When is it 0kay to kiss another male?
A. When y0u wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
0r narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the p0pe. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is y0ur brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sp0rtsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you
have t0 have him killed.
4. What ab0ut hugging another male?
A. If he's y0ur father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If y0u're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C. If y0u're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a
h0me run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
1. He is legally within the base path,
2. B0th of you are wearing sufficient protection,
3. Y0u also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough
t0 cause fractures.
6. In y0ur opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A d0g.
C. A d0g that eats cats.
7. Y0u have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and y0u always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
aftern0on the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers. Suddenly, 0ut of the clear blue sky,
she tells y0u that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer
bear the uncertainty 0f not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she's n0t asking whether you want to get married; only whether
y0u believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That y0u sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
y0u don't want to rush it.
B. That alth0ugh you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
h0nestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
c0mmitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That y0u cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
seventeen.
8. Okay, s0 you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
spend the rest 0f your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows
the w0rld has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. Y0u take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. Y0u take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
name, and when she turns t0 you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair
and the stars in her eyes, y0u tell her.
C. Tell her what?
9. One weekday m0rning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get y0ur three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "D0 they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in sch0ol already?"
C. "There are three 0f them?"
10. When is it 0kay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the c0lor of a dead whale and developed new
h0les so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended
f0r your legs.
B. When it is d0wn to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has t0 be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never 0kay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case s0mebody (and we are not naming
names, but this w0uld be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jeal0us of, because the guy seems to
have a m0re intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in y0ur opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that M0ses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
bef0re they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them t0 really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally g0t there.
C. He refused t0 ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Dem0cracy.
B. Religi0n.
C. Rem0te control.
The Princess
Once up0n a time, a beautiful, independent,
self assured princess happened up0n a frog
in a p0nd.
The fr0g said to the princess, "I was once a
hands0me prince until an evil witch put a spell on
me. One kiss fr0m you and I will turn back into a
prince and then we can marry, m0ve into the castle
with my m0m and you can prepare my meals, clean my
cl0thes, bear my children and forever feel happy
d0ing so."
That night, while the princess dined 0n frog legs,
she kept laughing and saying, "I d0n't think so."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
TWISTED DISNEY
Cinderella wants t0 go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't
let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy g0dmother
appears, and pr0mises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs
t0 go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, y0u must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the
sec0nd condition?"
"Y0u must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn
int0 a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees t0 be home by 2 a.m.
The app0inted hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella sh0ws up, looking love-struck and
**very** satisfied.
"Where have y0u been?" demands the fairy godmother.
"Y0ur diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours
ag0!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy G0dmother. He took care of everything."
"I kn0w of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter,s0mething or other...."
_______________________________________________________
Did y0u hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch?
__________________________________________________________
Sn0w White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up
behind him, kn0cked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face
crying,
"Lie t0 me!
Lie t0 me!"
__________________________________________________________
Little Red Riding H0od was walking through the woods when suddenly
the Big Bad W0lf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a
machete t0 her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
T0 that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic
basket and pulled 0ut a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said,
"N0 you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
________________________________________________________
Mickey M0use and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge
said t0 Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "N0 I didn't. I said she is fuckin' Goofy,"
__________________________________________________
Pin0cchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters whenever they had sex.
Pin0cchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepett0 suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and
Pin0cchio skipped away enlightened.
A c0uple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
thr0ugh town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pin0cchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?
~~~ P0rch light's on, but no one's home! ~~~
The f0reman at a housing construction site walked into a room where
0ne of the workers was hanging on a chain in the middle of the ceiling
pr0claiming "I'm a chandelier! I'm a chandelier!"
When he gave the w0rkman a hard warning to get down and back to work,
the 0ther workers in the room watched carefully. The foreman returned an
h0ur later, and became furious when he found the same worker hanging on
the chain, insisting he was, in fact, a chandelier. The f0reman
immediately gives the w0rker his walking papers and says he'll never work
there again! Up0n hearing this, every other worker packs their tools and
begins t0 leave, too!
Even m0re frustrated, the foreman says, "What's going on? Why are you
*all* leaving?"
One 0f the workers replies "Sorry, union rules - You don't expect us
t0 work in the dark, do you?"
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