"SMOKING KILLS, AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY
IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE."
Anti-sm0king spokesperson Brooke Shields
"WE ARE READY FOR AN UNFORESEEN EVENT THAT MAY OR MAY
NOT OCCUR."
F0rmer U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO
KEEP."
Clint0n aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER, THEY'RE HERE TO
PRESERVE DISORDER"
F0rmer Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention
"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL"
F0restry expert Ronald Reagan
"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM
OVERSEAS"
F0rmer Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO"
F0rmer U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA, IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE
THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE"
F0rmer Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET"
Republican presidential candidate B0b Dole
"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS"
Andrew Mathis
"HE WAS A MAN OF GREAT STATUE"
B0ston mayor Thomas Menino on former mayor John Collins
"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK"
B0ston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY
REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL
SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE"
F0rmer U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON,
BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF."
Pratt & Whitney sp0kesperson explaining why the company charged
the Air F0rce nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES."
Jas0n Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR
PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT."
Hillary Clint0n commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK,
UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS."
F0rmer U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE"
F0rmer French President Charles De Gaulle
"THE LOSS OF LIFE WILL BE IRREPLACEABLE."
F0rmer U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco
earthquake
"THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO
DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT."
A c0ngressional candidate in Texas
"IT IS NECESSARY FOR ME TO ESTABLISH A WINNER IMAGE.
THEREFORE, I HAVE TO BEAT SOMEBODY."
Richard M. Nix0n
"THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT DOING ENOUGH ABOUT CLEANING
UP THE ENVIRONMENT. THIS IS A GOOD PLANET."
Mr. New Jersey c0ntestant when asked what he would do with a
milli0n dollars.
"WHEN I HAVE BEEN ASKED DURING THESE LAST WEEKS WHO
CAUSED THE RIOTS AND THE KILLING IN L.A., MY ANSWER HAS
BEEN DIRECT AND SIMPLE: WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE RIOTS?
THE RIOTERS ARE TO BLAME. WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE
KILLINGS? THE KILLERS ARE TO BLAME."
F0rmer U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social ssues
behind the L0s Angeles Riots
"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER
WERE BEFORE."
F0rmer U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE, SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS
UP TO REAL MONEY."
Everett Dirksen
"A VERBAL CONTRACT ISN'T WORTH THE PAPER IT'S WRITTEN ON."
Samuel G0ldwyn
"REPUBLICANS UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF BONDAGE
BETWEEN A MOTHER AND CHILD.
F0rmer U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values
"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY
AWAY FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE
WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY
TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES."
J0hn Wayne
"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL."
Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S
THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
F0rmer U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED
IN THE PUBLIC MIND."
General William Westm0reland
"WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A
MIND IS BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS."
F0rmer U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for
the United Negr0 College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a
mind is a terrible thing t0 waste.
"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND
BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET."
F0rmer British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX."
F0rmer U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
50. Act naturally
49. F0und missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitati0n
45. Airline F0od
44. G0od grief
43. Same difference
42. Alm0st exactly
41. G0vernment organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Al0ne together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashi0n
35. Living dead
34. Small cr0wd
33. Business ethics
32. S0ft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. S0ftware documentation
28. New Y0rk culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet s0rrow
25. Childpr0of
24. "N0w, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggressi0n
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderst0od
18. Peace f0rce
17. Extinct Life
16. Temp0rary tax increase
15. C0mputer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. C0mputer security
11. P0litical science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-0unce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. W0rking vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religi0us tolerance
And the Number 0ne top OXY-Moron
1. Micr0soft Works
The f0llowing is taken from a Florida newspaper some time ago:
A man was w0rking on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
h0use in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and
s0mehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the
handlebars, was dragged thr0ugh a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped
0nto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran int0 the dining room, and found her husband
lying 0n the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and
the pati0 door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an
ambulance.
Because they lived 0n a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several
flights 0f long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transp0rted the husband to the hospital, the
wife uprighted the m0torcycle and pushed it outside.
Seeing that gas had spilled 0n the floor, the wife obtained some papers
t0wels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the h0spital and was released to come home.
After arriving h0me, he looked at the shattered patio door and the
damage d0ne to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went
int0 the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After
finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs int0 the toilet
b0wl while still seated.
The wife, wh0 was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. She ran int0 the bathroom and found her husband lying on the
fl0or again. His trousers had been blown away, and he was suffering burns on
the butt0cks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the
ph0ne and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.
The paramedics l0aded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to
the street. While they were g0ing down the stairs to the street accompanied
by the wife, 0ne of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned
himself. She t0ld them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of
them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband 0ut. He fell down the
remaining steps and br0ke his ankle.
And y0u thought *you* had a bad day?
Well, there is n0thing that a little bit of LOVE can't cure!
===============
Reality Check
1. The pe0ple who are starting college this fall across the nation
were b0rn in 1980.
2. They have n0 meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and did not
kn0w he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black M0nday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5. There has 0nly been one Pope. They can only really remember one
president.
6. They were 11 when the S0viet Union broke apart, and do not remember
the C0ld War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill t0
them, n0t a movie.
8. They are t0o young to remember the Space shuttle blowing up, and
Tienamin Square means n0thing to them.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a P0lio shot, and likely, do not know what it is.
11. B0ttle caps have not only always been screwed off, but have always
been plastic. They have n0 idea what a pull top can looks like.
12. Atari pre-dates them, as d0 vinyl albums.
13. The expressi0n "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to
them.
14. They have never 0wned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never heard 0f Pong
16. Star Wars l0oks very fake to them, and the special effects are
pathetic.
17. There have always been Red M&M's, and Blue 0nes are not new. What do you
mean there used t0 be beige ones?
18. They may have heard 0f an 8-track, but chances are they probably
have never actually seen 0r heard one.
19. The C0mpact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
20. As far as they kn0w, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. M0st have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they
seen a black and white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCR's, but they have n0 idea what Beta is.
25. They cann0t fathom not having a remote control.
26. They were b0rn the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
27. R0ller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The T0night Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have n0 idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
30. P0pcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a
F0otball player.
32. They never t0ok a swim and thought about Jaws.
33. The Vietnam War is as ancient hist0ry to them as W.W.I, W.W.II or
even the Civil War.
34. They have n0 idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
35. They can't imagine what hard c0ntact lenses are.
36. They d0n't know who Mork was or where he was from.
37. They never heard the terms "Where's the beef?", "I'd Walk a mile
f0r
a Camel", 0r "de plane, de plane!".
38. They d0 not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
39. The Titanic was f0und? I thought we always knew where it was.
40. Michael Jacks0n has always been white.
41. Kansas, Chicag0, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not
gr0ups.
42. McD0nalds never came in Styrofoam containers
===============
Lawyer J0ke
A lawyer 0pened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along
and hit the d0or, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at
the scene, the lawyer was c0mplaining bitterly about the damage to his
preci0us BMW.
"Officer, l0ok what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"Y0u lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the
0fficer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't
even n0tice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gawd....", replied the lawyer, finally n0ticing the bloody
left sh0ulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
1. Tw0 Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft it sank-pr0ving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it, t0o.
2. Tw0 boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a fam0us actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never
am0unted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of
tw0 weevils.
3. A three-legged d0g walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to
the bar and ann0unces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
4. This guy g0es into a restaurant for Christmas breakfast while in his home
t0wn for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have
the eggs Benedict." His 0rder comes a while later and it's served on a big,
shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter
sings, "O, there's n0 plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
5. When she t0ld me I was average, she was just being mean.
6. A neutr0n goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "F0r you, no charge."
7. Tw0 atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One
says t0 the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you
sure?" "Yeah, I'm p0sitive!"
8. Did y0u hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during
r0ot canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
9. A gr0up of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
l0bby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came 0ut of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they
asked, as they m0ved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
b0asting in an open foyer."
10. A d0ctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri 0n his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always
have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One aftern0on, as the end of
the w0rk day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was
0ut of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with
hick0ry nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time,
t0ok one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"N0, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
11. A hungry li0n was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came acr0ss two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the
0ther was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man
reading the b0ok and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that
readers digest and writers cramp.
12. There was a man wh0 entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the h0pe that at least one of the puns would win.
Unf0rtunately, no pun in ten did.
13. A guy g0es to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee;
then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wr0ng with me?" The
d0ctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
14. A w0man has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The 0ther goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture 0f himself to his
m0m. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
als0 had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.
If y0u've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
If a fly didn't have wings, w0uld it be called a "walk"?
"If tin whistles are made 0f tin,
what d0 they make fog horns out of?"
If they make 0live oil by squashing olives,
and peanut 0il by squashing peanuts...
H0w do they make baby oil?
This is fr0m a contest on Long Island. The requirements
were t0 use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynski in a
limerick. Here are the 3 winners.
Entry # 1
There 0nce was a gal named Lewinsky,
Wh0 played on a flute like Stravinsky.
'Twas "Hail t0 the Chief",
On this flute made 0f beef,
That st0le the front page from Kaczynski.
Entry # 2
Said Bill Clint0n to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We d0n't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since y0u look such a mess,
Use the hem 0f your dress,
And wipe that stuff 0ff of your chinsky.
Entry # 3
Lewinsky and Clint0n have shown,
What Kaczynski must surely have kn0wn:
That an intern is better,
Than a b0mb in a letter,
Given the ch0ice of how to be blown.
A m0torist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing
farmer five d0llars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was
back 0n
dry gr0und, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you
w0uld be pulling people out of the mud night and day."
"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water f0r the hole."
The f0llowing are actual statements made during court cases:
_________________________________________________________
Judge: I kn0w you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, h0w do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, d0 I have to tell you?
Judge: Of c0urse, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was y0ur bookie.
_________________________________________________________
Fr0m a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did y0u get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw y0u clearly. You are the one who stole
my purse.
Defendant: I sh0uld have shot you while I had the chance.
_________________________________________________________
Judge: The charge here is theft 0f frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: N0, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
_________________________________________________________
Lawyer: H0w do you feel about defense attorneys?
Jur0r: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, y0u are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Jur0r: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at
birth t0o.
_________________________________________________________
Lawyer questi0ning his client on the witness stand...
Plaintiff's Lawyer: What d0ctor treated you for the injuries you
sustained while at w0rk?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind 0f physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I'm n0t sure, but I remember that you said he
was a g0od plaintiff's doctor.
_________________________________________________________
Judge: Is there any reas0n you could not serve as a juror in this
case?
Jur0r: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they d0 without you at work?
Jur0r: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
_________________________________________________________
Lawyer: Tell us ab0ut the fight.
Witness: I didn't see n0 fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what y0u did see.
Witness: I went t0 a dance at the Turner house, and as the men
swung ar0und and changed partners, they would slap each other,
and 0ne fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the
0ther one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else
drew a six-sh0oter and another guy came up with a rifle that
had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with
yelling and sm0ke and bullets.
Lawyer: Y0u, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: N0 sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the
navel.
_________________________________________________________
Defendant: Judge, I want y0u to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my
case.
Judge (t0 Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
defendant's m0tion?
Public Defender: I'm s0rry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
_________________________________________________________
Judge: Please identify y0urself for the record.
Defendant: C0lonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What d0es the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "H0norable" in front of your
name. N0t a damn thing.
_________________________________________________________
Judge: Y0u are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you
anything t0 say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Tw0 gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the seni0r supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up t0 the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping f0r breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Bret Hansen
Actual Bumper Stickers:
G0d must love stupid people, he made so many.
The sex was s0 good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If y0u smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
I d0n't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ign0rance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
WANTED: Meaningful 0vernight relationship.
Y0u're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
BEER: It's n0t just for breakfast anymore.
S0 you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Any0ne can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
I need s0meone really bad... are you really bad?
I d0n't care, I don't have to.
Beauty is in the eye 0f the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum f0r the universe.
T0 all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm n0t a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
H0rn broken, watch for finger.
W0rk is for people who don't know how to fish.
IRS: We've g0t what it takes to take what you've got.
Jesus l0ves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole.
Out 0f my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep h0nking, I'm reloading.
Prevent inbreeding: ban c0untry music.
As l0ng as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Hang up and drive.
Happiness is a belt-fed weap0n.
Laugh al0ne and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Snatch a kiss, 0r vice versa.
I d0n't have to be dead to donate my organ.
M0ntana: At least our cows are sane!
Meat is yummy!
Mean pe0ple rule!
Mean pe0ple suck, Nice people swallow!
Guns d0n't kill people, postal workers do.
I said "n0" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
The gene p0ol could use a little chlorine.
I didn't fight my way t0 the top of the food chain to be a
Vegetarian.
Y0ur kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
Change is inevitable, except fr0m a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as y0u think, and they ARE out to get you.
Smile, it's the sec0nd best thing you can do with your lips.
Friends d0n't let Friends drive Naked.
Wink, I'll d0 the rest!
Sex 0n television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
C0ver me. I'm changing lanes.
Make it idi0t proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Acc0rding to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
He wh0 laughs last thinks slowest.
Lead me n0t into temptation, I can find it myself.
FAMOUS DOG QUOTES
"S0me days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown
"Wh0ever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."-Gene Hill
"In d0g years, I'm dead."-Unknown
"Outside 0f a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a
d0g, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx
"A d0g teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times bef0re lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did y0u ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's h0w dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"Ever c0nsider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back
fr0m a grocery store with the most amazing haul-chicken, pork, half a
c0w. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"-AnneTyler
"I w0nder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My d0g is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a
can. That's alm0st $7.00 in dog money."-Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs ab0ut immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
kn0wn will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James
Thurber
"D0n't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
w0nderful." -- Ann Landers
"W0men and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used t0 the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"In 0rder to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone
sh0uld have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss fr0m veterinary practice, puppy breath is one
0f the most fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat
"There is n0 psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams
"M0ney will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his
tail." -- Unkn0wn
"N0 one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the
d0g does."-Christopher Morley
"A d0g is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he love
himself."-J0sh Billings
"Man is a d0g's idea of what God should be."-Holbrook Jackson
"The average d0g is a nicer person than the average person." --
Andrew A. R0oney
"He is y0ur friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his
life, his l0ve, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the
last beat 0f his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-- Unkn0wn
"If y0u pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
y0u; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."-
Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unn0ticed by a Great
Dane."
-- Smiley Blant0n
"I've seen a l0ok in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed
c0ntempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
-- J0hn Steinbeck
TRUISIMS
If at first y0u don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Hard w0rk pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now
A c0nclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Bills travel thr0ugh the mail at twice the speed of checks
Experience is s0mething you don't get until just after you need it.
F0r every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never d0 card tricks for the group you play poker with.
N0 one is listening until you make a mistake.
The severity 0f the itch is proportional to the reach.
Y0u never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
A clear c0nscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
T0 steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
t0 steal from many is research.
The c0lder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness 0f the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
M0ney can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
If y0u must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried bef0re.
A c0nscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Exercise Bef0re Surgery
A lady wanted bigger breasts, s0 she went to her doctor to get
a referral t0 a plastic surgeon. Her doctor said he would like her
t0 try an exercise before surgery or drugs, and see how it works first.
He st0od up to demonstrate, held his arms straight out to the side,
r0tated them counterclockwise, and said, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
if I d0 this enough, I'll have a big bust." The doctor had her try it. The
t0ld
her t0 do it as often as she can, and to come back in a week.
One week later, she's back at the d0ctor, and tells him that it didn't work.
The d0ctor asks her how often she did the exercise, she says 4-5 times
a day. The d0ctor tells her to do it more, 30 times a day at least, and
asks her t0 come back in 1 week. She tries this, performing the exercise
whenever she can.
One day, as she waited t0 check out at Safeway, she started her exercise.
"Ashes t0 ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust."
The man in fr0nt of her turns around, asks if she sees Dr. Johnson.
"Yes, h0w did you know?" she queries.
The man faces her, places b0th hands on his hips, moves his hips in a
circular m0tion, and says, "Hickory dickory dock......."
Subject: Dilbert V0cabulary
Latest terms t0 add to your vocabulary:
Assm0sis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up t0 the boss.
Blamest0rming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed 0r a project failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager wh0 flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over
everything and then leaves.
Bl0wing your buffer - Losing your train of thought.
Salm0n day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
0nly to get screwed and die in the end.
Chainsaw c0nsultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headc0unt, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM - Career-limiting m0ve - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised
activity. Trashing y0ur boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Dep0tphobia - Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how
much m0ney one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.
Adminisphere - The rarefied 0rganizational layers beginning just above the
rank and file. Decisi0ns that fall from the adminisphere are often
pr0foundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed
t0 solve.
Dilberted - T0 be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the
experiences 0f Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been
dilberted again. The 0ld man revised the specs for the fourth time this
week."
Flight Risk - Used t0 describe employees who are suspected of planning to
leave the c0mpany or department soon.
404 - S0meone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message"404
N0t Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't
b0ther asking him...he's 404, man."
Generica - Features 0f the American landscape that are exactly the same no
matter where 0ne is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions.
Used as in "We were s0 lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
Keyb0ard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer
keyb0ards.
Ohn0second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
y0u've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art 0f whacking the crap out of an
electr0nic device to get it to work again.
Prairie D0gging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube
farm" (an 0ffice full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the
walls t0 see what's going on.
Teleph0ne Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
Umfriend - A sexual relati0n of dubious standing or a concealed intimate
relati0nship, as in "This is Dale, my...um...friend."
Yuppie F0od Stamps - the ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs
everywhere. Often used when trying t0 split the bill after a meal:
"We all 0we $8each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
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