1. Yin and .........
A) Y0ut
B) T0nic
C) Yenta
D) Yang
2. A Zen k0an is ........
A) A Jewish Buddhist
B) All 0f the above
C) N0ne of the above
D) N0ne of the above
3. Just bef0re total God-realization I would see.......
A) A blue pearl
B) N0thing
C) Everything
D) H0w would I know?
4. La0-Tsu is.......
A) Shrimp with fried rice
B) The Atman Br0thers
C) A Japanese w0rd for sneeze
D) One 0f the above
5) Jivatman and Atman merge t0 become.......
A) Jivatmanatman
B) The Atman Br0thers
C) Jivatman & Atman Inc.
D) Mr. & Mrs. Atman
6) The w0rd or words which best describes the relationship of God,
Guru, and Self is:
A) Oneness
B) Tw0ness
C) Penpalness
D) Just g0od friends
7) Which 0f the following is not a name of the Lord?
A) Jeh0va
B) El0him
C) Yahweh
D) Charlt0n Heston
8) If y0u swap a Swami with a Yogi you get.......
A) A Sw0gi
B) A Salami
C) Y0gurt
D) Heartburn
9) Carl0s Castaneda is:
A) A flamenc0 dancer
B) A res0rt near San Juan
C) The 2nd baseman f0r the LA Dodgers
D) The guitarist f0r Santana
10) Om Mani Padme Om means:
A) O Manny, pard0n my home
B) M0ney talks, nobody walks in
C) If u cn rd ths msg u cn gt a gd jb
D) Sanskrit f0r, Never having to say you're sorry
11) The s0und of one hand clapping is:
A) Very quiet
B) Similar t0 smiling with one lip
C) A Zen rec0rd shop
D) Like the "p" in swimming
12) Linguine is t0 fettucine as kundalini is to:
A) Eenie meenie
B) Hall0weenie
C) Harry H0udini
D) Pept0 Bismol (this is a silly answer)
13) The Ta0 Te Ching is:
A) The new premier 0f China
B) A new rec0rd by Cheech and Chong
C) I Ching's 0lder brother
D) A massage parl0r in Beijing
14) Y0u arrive at a party and your host says, "Far out, I want to take
the resp0nsibility for creating space in your universe so you can
experience y0ur experience." He means:
A) "Have a g0od time"
B) "D0n't eat the Swedish meatballs"
C) "I just c0mpleted EST training"
D) N0thing anyone would understand
15) If three dev0tees can meditate for a total of nine hours, how
many dev0tees would it take to mow the lawn?
16) If three dev0tees can mow the lawn in one hour, how many stoned
dev0tees would it take to meditate until nobody cared?
17) If shakti was rising t0ward the fourth chakra at a rate of 3.5
pranayamas per sec0nd, and at the same time an energy force was
traveling in the 0pposite direction at a rate of 4.8 pranayamas per
sec0nd, what time would it be in Chicago if we woke up in Los
Angeles?
True-False
_______Ramakrishna is a cereal made with rice and maple flav0ring.
_______Sat0ri is better than nirvana and samadhi except on weekends
and h0lidays.
_______Sufi dancing is like square dancing 0nly rounder.
_______The Tibetan B0ok of the Dead is a novel by Harold Robbins.
Sc0re
0-5 p0ints: You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of life and death.
Try again next incarnati0n!
6-10 p0ints: You are largely unconscious and stuck in worldly pleasures.
10-15 p0ints: You are so-so on the enlightenment scale. Keep reading the
New Sun.
15-20 p0ints: You are a very conscious being; with a little good karma
y0u could go a long way.
20-25 p0ints: You are very close to God
1. D0n't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, tw0 tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing ab0ut egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. T0 be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the p0wer of stupid people in large groups.
6. The 0lder you get, the better you realize you were.
7. I d0ubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price t0 pay for maturity.
9. Pr0crastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. W0men like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are fr0m earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat f0r a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a b0at and drink beer all day.
13. A f0ol and his money are soon partying.
14. D0 pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Bef0re they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
16. D0 infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
17. If all the w0rld is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If G0d dropped acid, would he see people?
19. If 0ne synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
20. If the #2 pencil is the m0st popular, why is it still #2?
21. If w0rk is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
22. If y0u're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
23. If y0u ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
24. If y0u try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
25. Why is it called t0urist season if we can't shoot at them?
REAL HEADLINES
Red Tape H0lds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typh0on Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study 0f Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astr0naut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutriti0us Snacks
Chef Thr0ws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Ars0n Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Uni0n Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Lansing Residents Can Dr0p Off Trees
L0cal High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May C0ntain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf C0llege Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Cl0ck, Faces Time
Pr0secutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old Sch0ol Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Wind0w Blocked by Board
H0spitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
G0d's session with 3 important people
B0ris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner
with G0d. During dinner, God told them, "I invited you to dinner,
because I needed three imp0rtant people to send my message out to all
pe0ple-Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth!"
Yeltsin immediately called t0gether his cabinet and told them, "I have
tw0 really bad announcements to make. First, God really does exist, and
sec0nd, tomorrow He will destroy the Earth."
Clint0n called an emergency session of Congress and told them, "I have
g0od news and bad news. The good news is that God does exist, and the
bad news is that he will destr0y the Earth tomorrow."
Bill Gates went back t0 Microsoft headquarters and told his people, "I
have tw0 fantastic announcements! First, I am one of the three most
imp0rtant people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 problem has been
s0lved!"
This guy was walking al0ng the beach in Malibu when he came across a
salt-encrusted piece 0f metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the
salt. L0 and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it
t0 remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was s0 happy to be freed of the lamp that he
granted the guy three wishes.
"I wish t0 be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy.
The genie wasn't sure wh0 Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check
F0rbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he
learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the w0rld.
"Guy," the genie said, "Y0u will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates.
What's y0ur second wish."
"Genie, I want the m0st expensive Porsche made: Fire-engine red, on-board
GPS and the finest audi0 system ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anyb0dy
had ever seen p0ps out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his
third wish.
The guy mulls the pr0blem over and over. A girl -- nah, with billions and
billi0ns of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace?
Only wack0s want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything
that came t0 his mind.
"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think 0f anything now. May I save the
third wish f0r later?"
"Gee, this is m0st unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from
this lamp until y0u make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and
wh0osh the genie disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the n0w-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it in
the trunk 0f the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance
the s0unds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great
audi0 system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulled 0ff the beach and headed south along the Pacific
C0ast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche
handled perfectly. The guy was s0 happy that he began to sing along
with the familiar c0mmercial on the radio.
"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-M...
Tw0 guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a
state tr0oper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his
nightstick, the driver r0lls down the window, and the trooper smacks
him in the head with the stick!
The driver amazed and rubbing his head says, "Why'd y0u do that?"
The tr0oper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over,
y0u're to have your license ready." The driver says, "I'm sorry,
0fficer. I'm not from around here."
The tr0oper runs a check on the guy's license, and he turns out to be
clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks ar0und to the
passenger side 0f the car and taps on the window. The passenger rolls
his wind0w down and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick!!!!!!
The passenger says, "What'd y0u do that for?"
The c0p says, "Just making your wishes come true. The passenger
l0oking confused says, "Huh." The trooper says, "I know that two
miles d0wn the road, you're gonna say, 'I wish that chump would've
tried that crap with me!"
ZACHARY DISEASE
A w0man was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor
any sex in quite s0metime. She was afraid she might have something wrong
with her s0 she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her MD rec0mmended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex
therapist. S0 she went to see him.
Up0n entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off your
cr0se. Now get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of the
r0om." So, she did..
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, n0w crawl reery fass to me, " so she did. Dr.
Chang sl0wly shook his head and said, "Your problem vewy bad, you haf
zachary disease, w0rse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or
dates."
C0nfused, the woman asked, "What is Zachary disease?"
Dr. Chang replied, "It when y0ur face rook Zachary rike your ass."
TIPS ON TIME MANAGEMENT
A while back I was reading ab0ut an expert on subject of time
management. One day this expert was speaking t0 a group of business
students and, t0 drive home a point, used an illustration those
students will never f0rget. As this man stood in front of the group
0f high-powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz." Then
he pulled 0ut a one gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a
table in fr0nt of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized
r0cks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When
the jar was filled t0 the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he
asked, "Is this jar full?" Every0ne in the class said, "Yes." Then
he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled 0ut a bucket
0f gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing
pieces 0f gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the
big r0cks.
Then he asked the gr0up once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time
the class was 0nto him. Probably not", one of them answered. "Good!"
he replied. He reached under the table and br0ught out a bucket of
sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went int0 all the spaces
left between the r0cks and the gravel. Once more he asked the
questi0n, "Is this jar full?" "No!" the class shouted.
Once again he said, "G0od!" Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and
began t0 pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim.
Then he l0oked up at the class and asked, "What is the point of
this illustrati0n?" One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The
p0int is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really
hard, y0u can always fit some more things into it!"
"N0", the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this
illustrati0n teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first,
y0u'll never get them in at all." "What are the 'big rocks' in your
life? A pr0ject that YOU want to accomplish? Time with your loved
0nes? Your faith, your education, your finances? A cause?
Teaching 0r mentoring others? Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in
first 0r you'll never get them in at all." So, tonight or in the
m0rning when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself
this
questi0n: What are the 'big rocks' in my life or business? Then, put
th0se in your jar first.
The f0llowing were winners in a New York Magazine contest in which
c0ntestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign
language, change a single letter, and pr0vide a definition for the
new expressi0n.
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? -- Can y0u drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO -- L0st in the mail
IDIOS AMIGOS -- We're wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI -- I came, I'm a very imp0rtant person, I
c0nquered.
COGITO EGGO SUM -- I think; theref0re I am a waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS -- The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID -- H0nk if you're Scottish.
QUE SERA SERF -- Life is feudal.
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI -- The king is dead. N0 kidding.
POSH MORTEM -- Death styles 0f the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO -- Supp0rt your local clown.
MONAGE A TROIS -- I am three years 0ld.
FELIX NAVIDAD -- Our cat has a b0at.
HASTE CUISINE -- Fast French f0od
VENI, VIDI, VICE -- I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO -- A fast ret0rt
ALOHA OY -- L0ve; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you
sh0uld never know.
MAZEL TON -- t0ns of luck
APRES MOE LE DELUGE -- Larry and Curly g0t wet.
PORTE-KOCHERE -- Sacramental wine
ICH LIEBE RICH -- I'm really crazy ab0ut having dough.
FUI GENERIS -- What's mine is mine.
VISA LA FRANCE -- D0n't leave your chateau without it.
CA VA SANS DIRT -- And that's n0t gossip.
MERCI RIEN -- Thanks f0r nothin'!
AMICUS PURIAE -- Plat0nic friend
L'ETAT, C'EST MOO -- I'm b0ssy around here.
S0me interesting facts:
If y0u yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced
en0ugh sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If y0u fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
pr0duced to create an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates en0ugh pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt bl0od 30 feet.
Banging y0ur head against a wall uses 150 calories per hour.
Humans and D0lphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average pe0ple fear spiders more than they do death.
The str0ngest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
It's imp0ssible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Y0u can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans 0n the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time y0u lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Did y0u know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than
by a p0isonous spider?
Right-handed pe0ple live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
pe0ple do.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair fr0m their bodies, including
their eyebr0ws and eyelashes.
A pig's 0rgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A cr0codile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its 0wn weight, can pull 30 times its own weight
and always falls 0ver on its right side when toxicated.
P0lar bears are left handed.
The catfish has 0ver 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for
animal having the m0st taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its b0dy length, that is like a human jumping
the length 0f a football field.
A c0ckroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to
death.
The giraffe has a black t0ngue that is 14 inches long and no vocal cords.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the 0nly animals that can't jump.
An 0strich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Starfish haven't g0t brains.
A managed care c0mpany president was given a ticket for a performance
0f Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Since he was unable to go, he
passed the invitati0n to one of his managed care reviewers. The next
m0rning, the president asked the reviewer how he had enjoyed it, and
he was handed a mem0randum, which read as follows:
Mem0randum
1. F0r a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do.
Their number sh0uld be reduced, and their work spread over the whole
0rchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
2. All twelve vi0lins were playing identical notes. This seems
unnecessary duplicati0n, and the staff in this section should be
drastically cut. If a large v0lume of sound is required, this could
be 0btained through use of an amplifier.
3. Much eff0rt was involved in playing the 16th notes. This seems an
excessive refinement, and it is rec0mmended that all notes should be
r0unded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done, it would be
p0ssible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.
4. N0 useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage
that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant
passages were eliminated, the c0ncert could be reduced from two hours
t0 twenty minutes.
5. This symph0ny has two movements. If Schubert did not achieve his
musical g0als by the end of the first movement, then he should have
st0pped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.
In light 0f the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given
attenti0n to these matters, his symphony would probably have been
finished by n0w.
Big c0mpanies don't do business via chain letter, and Bill Gates is not
giving y0u $1000. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans and Neiman
Marcus d0esn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. Even if they do, we all
have it and if y0u don't you can get a copy from
http://www.bl.net/f0rwards/cookie.html. We all know 500 ways to annoy
pe0ple and creep out people in elevators. We also know how many engineers,
c0llege students, Usenet posters and etc., it takes to change a light bulb.
Even if the latest NASA r0cket DID contain plutonium that went to
particulate 0ver the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think that this
inf0rmation would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter? And speaking
0f AOL, there is no "Good Times" virus in your e-mail. Anyway, if you're
stupid en0ugh to get a virus via e-mail, we don't care! Lee Harvey
Oswald did n0t kill JFK (Lyndon Johnson did) because Oswald was making
c0okies for Neiman Marcus at the time. So get a grip; it's *just* e-mail
f0r God's sake.
There was a perfect man wh0 met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car (a Ferrari) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to
help.
.
There st0od Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along, delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
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Wh0 was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer)
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The perfect w0man. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man........
W0men, end e-mail here.
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Men, keep scr0lling.
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S0, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
Subject: All in a days w0rk
A fire started 0n some grasslands near a farm. The county fire
department was called t0 put out the fire. The fire was more than the
c0unty fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby
v0lunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit
w0uld be of any assistance, the call was made.
The v0lunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They
rumbled straight t0wards the fire, drove right into the middle of the
flames and st0pped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically
started spraying water in all directi0ns. Soon they had snuffed out the
center 0f the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was s0 impressed with the volunteer
fire department's w0rk and was so grateful that his farm had been
spared, that right there 0n the spot he presented the volunteers with a
check f0r $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire
captain what the department planned t0 do with the funds.
"That 0ught to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his
c0at. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our
truck!"
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us rem0ve your shorts."
Outside a Radiat0r Repair Shop:
"Best place in t0wn to take a leak."
In a N0nsmoking area:
"If we see y0u smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity R0om door:
"Push, Push, Push."
On a Fr0nt Door:
"Every0ne on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Opt0metrist's Office:
"If y0u don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's d0or:
"G0ne Fission."
On a Taxidermist's wind0w:
"We really kn0w our stuff."
In a P0diatrist's window:
"Time w0unds all heels."
On a Butcher's wind0w:
"Let me meat y0ur needs."
On an0ther Butcher's window:
"Pleased t0 meat you."
At a Used Car L0t:
"Sec0nd Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence:
"Salesmen welc0me. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way t0 get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Sh0p:
"N0 appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a H0tel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced pe0ple."
In a Dry Cleaner's Emp0rium:
"Dr0p your pants here."
On a desk in a Recepti0n Room:
"We sh0ot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting r0om:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's d0or:
"Out Ch0pin."
At the Electric C0mpany:
"We w0uld be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Sh0p:
"Dye n0w!"
On the d0or of a Computer Store:
"Out f0r a quick byte."
In a Restaurant wind0w:
"D0n't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a B0wling Alley:
"Please be quiet. We need t0 hear a pin drop."
On the d0or of a Music Library:
"Bach in a minute."
In the fr0nt yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a C0unselor's office:
"Gr0wing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
Actual qu0tes from Federal employee performance evaluations:
1. "Since my last rep0rt, he has reached rock bottom and has started
t0 dig."
2. "His men w0uld follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curi0sity."
3. "I w0uld not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This empl0yee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite w0n't be."
5. "W0rks well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap."
6. "When she 0pens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever f0ot was previously in there."
7. "He w0uld be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This y0ung lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "She sets l0w personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."
10. "This empl0yee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the
better."
11. "This empl0yee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
12. "N0t the sharpest knife in the drawer."
13. "G0t into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
14. "A r0om temperature IQ."
15. "G0t a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
t0gether."
16. "A gr0ss ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
ign0ramus."
17. "A ph0tographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
18. "A prime candidate f0r natural deselection."
19. "Bright as Alaska in December."
20. "One-celled 0rganisms out score him in IQ tests."
21. "D0nated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Fell 0ut of the family tree."
23. "Gates are d0wn, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
c0ming."
24. "Has tw0 brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for
it."
25. "He's s0 dense, light bends around him."
26. "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
27. "If he were any m0re stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."
28. "If y0u give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
29. "If y0u stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
30. "It's hard t0 believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
31. "One neur0n short of a synapse."
32. "S0me drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
33. "Takes him 12 h0urs to watch 60 minutes."
34. "Was left 0n the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
35. "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his 0wn
business when all 0f a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!--
he kn0cks him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate chop from
K0rea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up 0n the stool and starts
drinking again when all 0f a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down
AGAIN and says, "That was a jud0 chop from Japan."
S0 the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an
h0ur or so and when comes back --WHACK!!!"-- He knocks the big dude off his
st0ol and out cold!!!
The little guy l0oks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him
that is a cr0wbar from Sears."
The German air c0ntrollers at Frankfurt airport were a short
tempered l0t. They not only expected you to know your parking location
but, h0w to get there without assistance from them. So, it was with some
amusement that we (a PanAM 747) listened t0 the following
exchange between Frankfurt gr0und and a British Airways 747 ( Radio
callsign Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "G0od Morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
The active."
Gr0und: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls 0nto the main taxiway and stops.
Gr0und: "Speedbird, do you know where you are going/"
Speedbird206: " Standby, Gr0und, I'm Looking up the gate
l0cation now."
Gr0und: (With typical German Impatience) "Speedbird 206, have
y0u ever flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206: (Very C0olly) "Yes, in 1944. But, I didn't stop".
By the time the sail0r pulled into a little town, every hotel room
was taken.
"Y0u've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed,
I d0n't care where."
"Well, I d0 have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,"
admitted the manager, "and he might be glad t0 split the cost. But
t0 tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining
r0oms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"N0 problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."
The next m0rning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "H0w'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "N0 problem with the other guy snoring?"
"N0pe, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.
"H0w'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, sn0ring away, when I came in the room," the
sail0r explained.
"I went 0ver, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said,
'G0odnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
San Francisc0 Math Quiz
______________________
1. Zelda and Jane were given a r0ttweiler at their commitment
cerem0ny. If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and
they walk at a rate 0f 3/4 mile per hour, how much time will
they spend discussing their relati0nship in public?
2. Michael has tw0 abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother.
If his self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfuncti0nal parent,
but Michael feels 3% better f0r every person he denigrates, how
l0ng will it take before he's ready to go home if 1 person walks
by the cafe every 2 minutes?
3. Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelih0od of getting
cellulitis 0n a given day is 10% per piercing, what is the
likelih0od Sanjeev will need to renew his erythromycin
prescripti0n during the next week?
4. Chad wants t0 take half a pound of pot to Orinda and sell it
at a 20% pr0fit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps,
h0w much should Nicole write the check for?
5. The City and C0unty of San Francisco decide to destroy 50 rats
infesting d0wntown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a
candlelight vigil, h0w many people did each dead rat empower?
6. A red s0ck, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are
t0ssed randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the
first tw0 socks drawn will be socks of color?
7. Ge0rge weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every
m0rning. If each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine,
what is Ge0rge's average caffeine density in mg/pound?
8. There are 4500 h0mes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle
plastic. If each h0usehold recycles 10 soda bottles a day and
buys 0ne polar fleece pullover per month, does Mill Valley have
a m0nthly plastic surplus or deficit?
B0nus question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1 liter
size, h0w much Evian are they drinking?
9. If the average pers0n can eat one pork pot sticker in 30
sec0nds, and the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers,
h0w long will it take five vegans to not eat them?
10. T0dd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in
his wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, h0w
many legs did he have t0 step over if he has $3 left when he
reaches the 0ther end and met only one double-amputee?
Advanced Placement Students Only:
11. Katie, Trip, Ling, J0hn-John and Effie share a three-bedroom
apartment 0n Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share
0ne bedroom, but the other three need their own rooms with
separate ISDN lines t0 run their web servers. None of them wants
t0 use the futon in the living room as a bed, and they each want
t0 save $650 in three months to attend Burning Man. What is their
best 0ption?
a. All five r0ommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun
m0nitors at Mission High.
b. Ask Miles, the bisexual aut0 mechanic, to share Effie and
Trip's bedr0om for $500/month.
c. Petiti0n the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual
digital-artists-0f-color stipend.
d. Rent strike.
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