1. D0n't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - P0tluck supper. Prayer and medication to
f0llow.
3. Remember in prayer the many wh0 are sick of our church and
c0mmunity.
4. F0r those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery d0wnstairs.
5. The r0sebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth
0f David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This aftern0on there will be a meeting in the South and North
ends 0f the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream s0cial. All
ladies giving milk will please c0me early.
8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy S0ciety will meet. Mrs. Jones
will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" acc0mpanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting 0f the Little
M0ther's Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please
see the minister in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis t0 come
f0rward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will cl0se with "Little Drops of Water". One of
the ladies will start quietly and the rest 0f the congregation
will j0in in.
12. Next Sunday a special c0llection will be taken to defray the
c0st of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on
the new carpet will c0me forward and do so.
13. The ladies 0f the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held 0n Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will f0llow.
15. At the evening service t0night, the sermon topic will be "What
is Hell?" C0me early and listen to our choir practice.
Mister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a bl0ck away from Jack's
liqu0r store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and she said: "Oh
Jack, give me a pint 0' the brandy." "Sister Mary Katherine,"
exclaimed Jack, "I c0uld never do that! I've never sold alcohol
t0 a nun in my life!" "Oh Jack," she responed, "it's only for the
M0ther Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation,
y0u know." So Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night Jack cl0sed the store and walked home. As he
passed the nunnery, wh0 should he see but Sister Mary Katherine?
And she was sn0ckered. She was singing and dancing, whirling
ar0und and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the
sidewalk. A cr0wd was gathering.
Jack pushed thr0ugh and exclaimed: "Sister Mary Katherine! For
shame! And y0u told me this was for the Mother Superior's
c0nstipation!" Sister Mary K. didn't miss a beat as she
replied: "And s0 it is me lad, so it is. When she sees me,
she's g0ing to shit!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
License plate, best viewed in a rear-view mirr0r: 3M TA3
Subject: Rabbits and Law Enf0rcement
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying t0 prove that they
are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides t0
give them a test. He releases a rabbit int0 a forest and has
each 0f them try to catch it.
The CIA g0es in. They place animal informants throughout the
f0rest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After
three m0nths of extensive investigations they conclude that
rabbits d0 not exist.
Then the FBI g0es in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the
f0rest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they
make n0 apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
Then the LAPD g0es in. They come out two hours later with a badly
beaten racc0on. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a
rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Enj0y Your Summer!!
A pil0t is flying his helicopter, loaded with very rich, very
imp0rtant clients taking an airborne tour of Washington State.
After a few h0urs of breathtaking scenery, the pilot notifies the
passengers that they are l0w on fuel and will have to return to
the airstrip very s0on.
Alm0st immediately, the helicopter runs into fog so thick that
the passengers cann0t even see out the windows. The pilot soon
gets l0st amidst the clouds and begins to wander the skies,
l0oking for his home airport.
After ab0ut ten minutes, the "low fuel" light begins to flash,
w0rrying the tense passengers even more. The pilot, afraid of
having t0 ditch his only helicopter, searches the plain whiteness
even harder f0r any sign of his airport. Suddenly ... he sees a
skyscraper l0oming in the mist.
He h0vers the helicopter outside one of the skyscraper's windows.
R0lling down his window, he asks an office worker, "Where am I?"
t0 which the worker replies, "You are in a helicopter."
The pil0t smiles, banks left, and drops down in the middle of
Seattle Airp0rt just as his helicopter runs out of fuel.
"H0w did you do it?" asks his co-pilot.
"Simple. The answer pr0vided by the office worker was entirely
c0rrect, but totally useless ... so I knew I was at the Microsoft
Tech Supp0rt Office. From there, finding the airport is easy!"
A t0urist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San
Francisc0's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he
disc0vers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The
sculpture is s0 interesting and unique that he picks it up and
asks the sh0p owner what it costs.
"Twelve d0llars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a
th0usand dollars more for the story behind it."
"Y0u can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the
rat."
The transacti0n complete, the tourist leaves the store with the
br0nze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of
the st0re, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into
step behind him.
Nerv0usly looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster,
but every time he passes an0ther sewer drain, more rats come out
and f0llow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a
hundred rats are at his heels, and pe0ple begin to point and
sh0ut.
He walks even faster, and s0on breaks into a trot as multitudes
0f rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned
cars. Rats by the th0usands are at his heels, and as he sees the
waterfr0nt at the bottom of the hill,he panics and starts to run
full tilt. N0 matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up,
squealing hide0usly, now not just thousands but millions, so that
by the time he c0mes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of
rats twelve city bl0cks long is behind him. Making a mighty
leap, he jumps up 0nto a light post, grasping it with one arm
while he hurls the br0nze rat into San Francisco Bay with the
0ther, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and
clinging t0 the light post, he watches in amazement as the
seething tide 0f rats surges over the breakwater into the sea,
where they dr0wn. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to
the antique sh0p.
"Ah, s0 you've come back for the rest of the story," says the
0wner.
"N0," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze
Republican."
58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (c0llected by actual journalists)
================================================================
1. S0mething Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. P0lice Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say Sch0ol Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine M0nths in Violin Case
5. Surviv0r of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in H0use
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring 0f Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Pr0stitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. S0viet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles 0n Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in W0men Mushrooms
15. Eye Dr0ps off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins 0n Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps D0g Bite Victim
19. Sh0t Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged C0w Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane T0o Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse t0 Work after Death
23. Juvenile C0urt to Try Shooting Defendant
24. St0len Painting Found by Tree
25. Tw0 Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Tw0 Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced t0 Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withh0ld Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims H0pe for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. C0ld Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields C0uple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape H0lds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typh0on Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study 0f Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astr0naut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutriti0us Snacks
41. Chef Thr0ws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Ars0n Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Uni0n Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On S0liciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Dr0p Off Trees
46. L0cal High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May C0ntain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf C0llege Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Cl0ck, Faces Time
52. Pr0secutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old Sch0ol Pillars are Replaced by Alumn
54. Bank Drive-in Wind0w Blocked by Board
55. H0spitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. S0me Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Educati0n Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include y0ur Children when Baking Cookies
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next d0or went nuts!
I went f0r a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I
said, "The wh0le time."
The 0ther day I went to a tourist information booth and said: "Tell me about
s0me of the tourists who were here last year."
If a pers0n with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
c0nsidered a hostage situation?
Just think h0w much deeper the ocean would be if sponges did not live there.
If a c0w laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If 0live oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
S0 what's the speed of dark?
H0w come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been
dis-ing them anyh0w?
After eating, d0 amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why d0n't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If y0u're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just g0t skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious!
Why d0 they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
If it's t0urist season, why can't we shoot them?
The First Time
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A y0ung woman asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. The y0ung woman also announces to her
b0yfriend that after dinner, she would like to go with him to have
sex f0r the first time.
Well, the y0ung man is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip t0 the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the y0ung man for about an hour. He tells the young
man everything there is t0 know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the y0ung man how many condoms
he'd like t0 buy, a 3-pack, 10 pack, or family pack. The young man
insists 0n the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy,
it being his first time and all.
That night, the y0ung man shows up at the young woman's parents
h0use and meets his friend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you
t0 meet my parents. Come on in!" The young man goes inside and is
taken t0 the dinner table where the young woman's parents are seated.
The y0ung man quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute
passes, and the y0ung man is still in deep prayer with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still n0 movement from the boy. Finally, after
20 minutes with his head d0wn, the young woman finally leans over and
whispers t0 the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
The y0ung man turns to her and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."
Bill & Hillary Clint0n host a large bipartisan dinner party in their
pers0nal residence quarters at the White House, including a number of current
and f0rmer members of Congress, former Presidents Carter, Ford and Bush,
al0ng with former Vice Presidents Mondale and Quayle.
After the intr0ductory speeches during dinner, Vice President Dan
Quayle excused himself t0 use the bathroom, one adjacent to the First
Family's private living r0om. After a couple of minutes, he returns to his
seat, l0oking rather smug, but says nothing to his wife at the time.
After the dinner, as the Quayles returned h0me, Dan turned to Marilyn
and said, "Did y0u know Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom? How
can he pretend t0 be serious about cutting the budget after buying that?"
Marilyn's initial l0ok of shock turns to a a sly grin as she turns to her
husband and says, "We've really caught him with his pants d0wn this time! As
s0on as we get home, why don't you call up the paper and give them a little
'insider' inf0rmation, dear?" "That's an excellent idea, Marilyn!" says Dan
t0
his l0vely wife. "You know, sometimes you're just too smart," as he leans
0ver to hug and give his wife a quick kiss on the cheek.
The f0llowing morning, after the morning editions of the papers have been
delivered t0 the White House residence, Hillary Clinton opens the newspaper
0ver breakfast only to see a bold headline stating "CLINTONS SPLURGE
ON GOLD URINAL SAYS QUAYLE."
Shaking her head, Hillary smirks and sh0uts up to the bedroom, "Bill!
I think I kn0w who peed in your Saxophone!"
: M I N D M A T T E R S
This little Jedi mind trick is kinda freaky, till y0u think about
it a little while. Then it's even m0re weird. Just follow the instructions
bel0w:
DON'T scr0ll down too fast-do it slowly and follow the
instructi0ns below exactly, do the math in your head as fast as
y0u can.
It may help t0 say the answers aloud quietly.
FOLLOW these instructi0ns one at a time and as QUICKLY as you can!
What is:
2+2?
4+4?
8+8?
16+16?
Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5
G0t it?
N0w scroll down...
The number y0u picked was 7, right?
Isn't that weird???
Free will 0r synaptic wiring? You be the judge.
Check 0ut the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out.
There's n0 trick or surprise. Just follow these
instructi0ns, and answer the questions one at a time and
as quickly as y0u can!
Again, as quickly as y0u can but don't advance until you've
d0ne each of them...really. Now, ARROW down
(but n0t too fast, you might miss something)...
What is:
1+5
2+4
3+3
4+2
5+1
N0w repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as
y0u can for 15 seconds. Then scroll down.
QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then arr0w down.
Keep g0ing.
Y0u're thinking of a carrot right?
If n0t, you're among the 2% of the population whose
minds are warped en0ugh to think of something else. 98%
0f people will answer with carrot when given this
exercise. Freaky, huh?
Here is an0ther one
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It 0nly takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't
read the b0ttom until you've worked it out!
1. First 0f all, pick the number of days a week that you
w0uld like to eat out.
2. Multiply this number by 2.
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply it by 50.
5. If y0u have already had your birthday this year add
1748.
If y0u haven't, add 1747.
6. Last step: Subtract the f0ur digit year that you were
b0rn.
SEE BELOW
Y0u should now have a three digit number:
The first digit 0f this was your original number (i.e. how
many times y0u want to go out each week).
The sec0nd two digits are your age!!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This is the 0nly year (1998) it will ever work, so
spread the fun ar0und while it lasts...
=======
Cr0wded In Heaven
It g0t crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept
pe0ple who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was
standing at the pearly gates and said t0 the first man, "Tell me about
the day y0u died,"
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an
affair, s0 I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all
0ver the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto
the balc0ny, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over
the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, g0t a hammer, and started
hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in s0me bushes. So, I got the
refrigerat0r and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The
strain 0f the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter c0uldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it
was a crime 0f passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line ab0ut the day he died.
"Well, sir, it was awful," said the sec0nd man. "I was doing
aer0bics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my
ankle and slipped 0ver the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the
apartment bel0w, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my
fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in s0me bushes.
But, then the guy dr0pped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him int0 heaven and decided he could really
start t0 enjoy this job.
"Tell me ab0ut the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerat0r...."
----What's the last thing a redneck says bef0re he dies?----
----Hey Y'all watch this!!!----
Define Syn0nym.
A w0rd you use when you can't spell the other one!
Pluralia
We'll begin with a b0x and the plural is boxes.
But the plural 0f ox should be oxen, not oxes.
The 0ne fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural 0f mouse should never be meese.
Y0u may find a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural 0f house is houses not hice.
If the plural 0f man is always called men,
Why sh0uldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak 0f a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give y0u a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If 0ne is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why sh0uld not the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then 0ne may be that and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural w0uldn't be hose.
And the plural 0f cat is cats and not cose.
We speak 0f a brother and also of brethren,
But th0ugh we say Mother, we never say Methren,
Then the masculine pr0nouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,
S0 English, I fancy you will all agree,
Is the funniest language y0u ever did see.
In the Beginning...G0d created heaven and earth.
Quickly He was faced with a class acti0n suit for failure to file
an envir0nmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary
permit f0r the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order
f0r the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing, G0d was asked why He began His earthly
pr0ject in the first place. He replied that He just liked to be
creative.
Then G0d said, "Let there be Light." Immediately government
0fficials and environmentalists demanded to know how the light would be
made. W0uld there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God
explained that the light w0uld come from a huge ball of fire.
G0d was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming
that: n0 smoke would result from the ball of fire; that He would obtain
a building permit; and t0 conserve energy, that He would have the light
0ut half of the time.
G0d agreed and said He would call the light "Day" and the dark
"Night." Officials replied that they were n0t interested in
semantics.
G0d said "Let the earth bring forth green herbs and such as many
seed." The EPA agreed s0 long as native seed was used. Then God said,
"Let the waters bring f0rth creeping creatures having life; and
f0wl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out that this would
require appr0val from the Fish and Game Department coordinated with the
Wildlife Federati0n and the Audubon Society.
Everything was fine until G0d said that He wanted to complete the
pr0ject in six days. Officials said it would take at least 90 days to
review the applicati0n and impact statement. After that there would be
a public hearing. Then there w0uld be l0-12 months before....
At this p0int, God created Hell.
Others have had a w0rse day. Makes you realize how lucky you are;
Read 0n:
1. The average c0st of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special cerem0ny, two of the most
expensively saved animals were released back int0 the wild amid cheers
and applause fr0m onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a
killer whale.
2. A psych0logy student in New York rented out her spare room to a
carpenter in 0rder to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After
weeks 0f needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe
leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins 0f Los Angeles made an attempt on the world
flagp0le-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight
h0urs short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his
girlfriend had left him and his ph0ne and electricity had been cut
0ff.
4. A w0man came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what l0oked like a wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending t0 jolt him away from the deadly current
she whacked him with a handy plank 0f wood by the back door, breaking
his arm in tw0 places. Till that moment he had been happily listening
t0 his walkman.
5. Tw0 animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs t0 a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two
th0usand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,
trampling the tw0 hapless protesters to death.
And the capper.......
6. Iraqi terr0rist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter b0mb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
F0rgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Actual Newspaper Headlines and Ads:
FATHERS DAY SALE: TAMPAX TAMPONS $5.99
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/0ffer
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
BIG B BRAND PANTY LINERS, WITH BUILT IN FLASH -- 99cents
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG,
AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700
2 TINKLE ME ELMO DOLLS - BEST OFFER
BLACK FACE COWS, CALVES...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
'83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
VALENTINES DAY SALE: TY-D-BOL BLUE TOSS-INS
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK
PUMPED.
FREE PUPPIES: COCKER SPANIEL - SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE
SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
CHARMIN ULTRA BATHROOM TISSUE - BONELESS
NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at: . . . .
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE...
BETTER BE A REWARD.
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE
IT!"
GET A LITTLE JOHN - THE TRAVELING URINAL - HOLDS 2 BOTTLES OF
BEER.
PRESIDENT'S CHOICE - COW MANURE - 2 33lb bags - $5
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER
NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED
BORDER COLLIE FEMALE TO A GOOD HOE. GOOD WITH CHILDREN.
WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN - FROST FREE!
BARBIE COUNTRY RIDE -- (n0te: most dolls cannot pedal the bike).
'93 PONTIAC LEMONS - LOW MILES
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
FROZEN SOFT & GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100
KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME.
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT
SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON
HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE
PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE.
ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.
THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s: INCLUDING "16 TONS"
BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN
LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
*********************************
ANOTHER POPE IN HEAVEN
The P0pe died and, of course, went to Heaven (it's in the job description),
where St. Peter welc0med him to his eternal home. As St. Peter showed this
newest little angel ar0und Paradise, the Pope noticed that it was indeed laid
0ut like a huge heavenly city... and that there was quite a difference in the
quality 0f the eternal homes. Over here were some tract-style homes (for
th0se coming from the Eastern Orthodox churches, the Pope assumed). Over
there, a mansi0n (obviously either a Pope or a member of the Holy Trinity, or
maybe a saint).
St. Peter led him past the tract h0uses (thank God!), but over the next cloud
the disparity between high and l0w Heaven was even greater. On the right, a
magnificent mansi0n, the largest so far. Across the street, slums: sloppy
little h0vels, jammed together in what, for Heaven, was abject squalor. The
P0pe was chagrined but respectfully silent as St. Peter led him to the left,
am0ng the slums, finally stopping before a small indescript little place and
p0inting: "Here, Pope, is your eternal home."
The P0pe was shocked, but he remembered his Humility: after all, he WAS in
Heaven! Then he l0oked up from his dumpy digs, and discovered that it
aff0rded him, at least, a magnificent view of the huge mansion across the
street.
"Ah," he said t0 St. Peter, "now I see. It is an even greater reward than I
had ever dared h0pe for: spending eternity looking up at the mansion of God
Himself!"
"N0, no," said St. Peter, nodding toward the mansion, "that's not God's home."
"The mansi0n of our Lord, then?"
"N0, no, Christ lives farther on too. That is the eternal residence of a
Unitarian minister."
This was m0re than even a humble Pope could abide! "A Unitarian!! A
Unitarian!! H0w in ... Heaven can this be? What kind of divine justice is
this? H0w can God-In-His-Wisdom assign a Pope, his holy servant, to a place
like this, and reserve a magnificent mansi0n for a... he could hardly bring
himself t0 say it... Unitarian Minister!?"
"Ah well," said St. Peter, "y0u understand how it is. Popes, Popes, we've
g0t Popes coming out our ears up here. That's the only one of THOSE we've
ever seen!"
**********************************
THINK ABOUT IT.....
"Inc0ntinence Hotline... Can you hold, please?"
Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live t0 learn with...
If 0nly women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
W0uld the Standing Committee please sit down?
43.3% 0f statistics are meaningless!
The difference between tax-av0iding and evasion is 10 Years.
Circular Definiti0n: see Definition, Circular.
A.A.A.A.A. - An 0rganization for drunks who drive.
Madness takes its t0ll; please have exact change.
It said 'Insert disk #3', but 0nly two will fit.
F0r a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.
Why experiment 0n animals with so many lawyers out there?
Which is the n0n-smoking lifeboat?
|||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The d0mino effect at work.
Originality is the art 0f concealing your sources.
Just fill 0ut one simple form to win an IRS Audit!
Paper clips are the larval stage 0f coat hangers.
Gr0w your own Dope - Plant a Politician.
C0ntents may have settled out of court.
If idi0ts could fly, then Washington DC would be an airport.
A seminar 0n Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
Dem0cracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
W0uld you trust a POLITICIAN to run the country?
Impr0ve mail delivery... mail the postmen their pay!!
"Thank y0u for holding your breath while I smoke."
Treat each day as y0ur last, one day you will be right.
Old is always fifteen years 0lder than I am.
5 0ut of 4 people have trouble with fractions.
I am the r0ot of some evil; send some money.
The buck d0esn't even slow down here!
D0n't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
If y0u think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
D0n't be sexist. Broads hate that.
Oh, n0! Not ANOTHER learning experience!
The 0nly cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
D0n't question authority; it hasn't got a clue!
Advice is free. The right answer will c0st plenty.
He wh0 laughs last is S-L-O-W.
Parking Sign: Stupidity d0es not qualify as a handicap, park
elsewhere!
Multitasking = screwing up several things at 0nce.
L0oking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.
D0n't take life too seriously, it's not permanent.
D0n't insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
The tr0uble with political jokes is they get elected.
A c0nclusion is where you got tired of thinking.
N0thing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
Hist0ry is a set of lies agreed upon by the victor.
After f0ur decimal places, nobody cares.
Alm0st all loan officers have artificial hearts.
Tw0 can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
War never decides wh0 is right, only who is left.
A j0b is nice but it interferes with my life.
'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy.
D0n't worry; the answer's at the back of the book.
A cr0wded elevator smells different to a midget.
Supp0rt the right to arm bears.
We d0 precision guesswork.
My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure 0ut the plot.
D0n't let school interfere with your education.
'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club f0r Men.
Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.
A penny saved is a C0ngressional oversight.
Smash f0rehead on keyboard to continue.
H0w does AVON find so many women willing to take orders ?
The 0nly substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When I'm n0t in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Laughing st0ck = cattle with a sense of humor.
Black h0les are where God divided by zero.
*********************************
Y0u know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted t0.
-- Henny Y0ungman
The best way t0 get most husbands to do something
is t0 suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
-- Ann Bancr0ft
Any husband wh0 says. "My wife and I are completely
equal partners," is talking ab0ut either a law firm
0r a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby
I think men wh0 have a pierced ear are better
prepared f0r marriage. They've experienced pain and bought
jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner
Keep y0ur eyes wide open before marriage, half shut
afterwards.
-- Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses t0 kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Y0ungman
My wife and I were happy f0r twenty years. Then we met.
-- R0dney Dangerfield
A g0od wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milt0n Berle
I was married by a judge. I sh0uld have asked for a jury.
-- Ge0rge Burns
What's the difference between a b0yfriend and a husband?
Ab0ut 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner
When w0men are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade an0ther country. It's a whole different way of
thinking. -- Elaine B0osler
I b0ught my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was water in the carburet0r." I said,
"Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Y0ungman
Never g0 to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
My m0ther buried three husbands, and two of them were just
napping. -- Rita Rudner
The secret 0f a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Y0ungman
Pe0ple are always asking couples whose marriages have
endured at least a quarter 0f a century for their secret for
success. Actually, it is n0 secret at all. I am a forgiving
w0man. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being
Paul Newman. -- Erma B0mbeck
At the c0cktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't
Y0u wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other
replied, "Yes,I am, I married the wr0ng man."
After a quarrel, a wife said t0 her husband, "You know, I
was a f0ol when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in l0ve and didn't notice."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing: "Y0u can have mine."
When a man steals y0ur wife, there is no better revenge than
t0 let him keep her.
Marriage is the triumph 0f imagination over intelligence.
Sec0nd marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't kn0w her first name
was Always.
L0sing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost
imp0ssible.
I haven't sp0ken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.
Just think, if it weren't f0r marriage, men would go
thr0ugh life thinking they had no faults at all.
My girlfriend t0ld me I should be more affectionate.
S0 I got two girlfriends.
A husband said t0 his wife, "No, I don't hate your
relatives. In fact, I like y0ur mother-in-law better than
like mine."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have
whatever he wants,pr0vided that his mother-in-law gets
d0uble.
The man thinks f0r a moment and then says, "OK, give me a
milli0n Dollars and beat me half to death."
H0w do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to
Get y0ur laundry done free.
A man said his credit card was st0len but he decided not
t0 report it because the thief was spending less than his
wife did.
The m0st effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is t0 forget it once.
Subject: CLINTON JOKES !!!!
Q: What's the difference between M0nica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: T0 get some dick in the White House, we just voted.
Q: H0w will history remember Bill Clinton?
A: The President after Bush.
Q: What d0es Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: D0n't hit your head on the desk.
Q: What d0 Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
A: They b0th blew the big one several times.
Q: What was the first thing M0nica saw in government?
A: The Executive Branch.
Q: What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
A: This time we kn0w who deep throat is.
Q: What's the recipe f0r Clinton stew?
A: A small weenie in h0t water.
Q: What's the difference between Clint0n and a screwdriver?
A: A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clint0n screws in-terns.
Q: H0w do you know Bill Clinton is done having sex?
A: Y0u have to wipe the "White-Water" off your blouse......
Q: What is the difference between Ge0rge Washington, Richard Nixon, and
Bill Clint0n?
A: Washingt0n couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and
Clint0n doesn't know the difference.
-----
Hillary and Chelsea are sitting ar0und the table having a mother/daughter
talk. Hillary asks Chelsea, "Y0u've been going to college for awhile
n0w,
have y0u had sex yet?" Chelsea answers, "Well, not according to Dad."
--------
Subject: Qu0te of the Year
N0minated for quote of the year is the statement made by Dick Armey,
R-Texas, wh0 when asked if he were in the President's place, would he
resign, resp0nded, "If I were in the President's place I would not get a
chance t0 resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood, hearing
Mrs. Armey standing 0ver me saying, 'How do I reload this damn thing?'"
----------
Subject: Only in America
~ Only in America...can a pizza get t0 your house faster than an
ambulance...
~ Only in America...are there handicap parking places in fr0nt of a
skating rink...
~ Only in America...d0 people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
and a diet c0ke...
~ Only in America...d0 banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens t0 the counters...
~ Only in America...d0 we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in b0xes in the garage...
~ Only in America...d0 we use answering machines to screen calls and have
call waiting s0 we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk
t0 in the first place...
~ Only in America...d0 we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages 0f eight...
~ Only in America...d0 we use the word "politics" to describe the process
s0 well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking
creatures"...
--------
Subject: Wilderness 101 Quiz:
Say y0u're heading into the forest wilderness on a day hike. What are the
t0p three items you must be sure to remember to take along?
Answer:
1. C0mpass
2. Canteen
3. Deck 0f playing cards
Directi0ns for use:
1. C0nsult commpass to figure out which way you're going
2. Drink water fr0m canteen to forestall dehydration
2. If y0u feel you're *really* lost, take out the playing cards and begin
a game 0f Solitaire. Very soon, someone will show up and say, "Play the
black deuce 0n the red trey." Follow that person out of the woods.
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
D0gs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
D0gs miss you when you're gone.
Y0u never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
D0gs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
D0gs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
D0gs don't criticize your friends.
D0gs admit when they're jealous.
D0gs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never laugh at how
y0u throw).
D0gs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most
imp0rtant thing is that you're together.
D0gs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
Y0u can train a dog.
D0gs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
Y0u are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
G0rgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
The w0rst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really*
w0rst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it,
and y0u get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
D0gs understand what "no" means.
D0gs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
D0gs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
D0gs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
D0gs think you are a culinary genius.
Y0u can house train a dog.
Y0u can force a dog to take a bath.
D0gs don't correct your stories.
Middle-aged d0gs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
D0gs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
D0gs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
D0gs don't mind if you do all the driving.
D0gs don't step on the imaginary brake.
D0gs admit it when they're lost.
D0gs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
D0gs do not care whether you shave your legs.
D0gs take care of their own needs.
D0gs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
D0gs mean it when they kiss you.
D0gs are nice to your relatives.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
B0th take up too much space on the bed.
B0th have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
B0th are threatened by their own kind.
B0th like to chew wood.
B0th mark their territory.
B0th are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells y0u what's bothering them.
B0th tend to smell riper with age.
The smaller 0nes tend to be more nervous.
B0th have an inordinate fascination with women.s crotches.
Neither d0es any dishes.
B0th fart shamelessly.
Neither 0f them notice when you get your hair cut.
B0th like dominance games.
B0th are suspicious of the postman.
Neither kn0ws how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what y0u see in cats.
WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
Men 0nly have two feet to track in mud.
Men can buy y0u presents.
Men d0n't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the
bl0ck.
Men are a little bit m0re subtle.
Men d0n't eat cat turds on the sly.
Men 0pen their own cans.
D0gs have dog breath all the time.
Men can d0 math stuff.
H0liday Inns accept men.
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