TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1.Weed
2.Vanc0uver: 1.5 million people and two bridges
3.The l0cal hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4.The l0cal wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
5.Y0ur $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6.A university with a nude beach
7.Y0u can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8.If a c0p pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
9.There's always s0me sort of de-forestation protest going on
10.Cannabis
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1.Big R0ck
2.Prest0n Manning
3.Tax is 7 percent instead 0f approx. 200 percent
4.The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alc0holic with a grade 4 education
5.Flames vs. Oilers
6.Stamps vs. Eskies
7.Y0u can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8.Eventually, it will be y0ur town's turn to ban VLT's
9.The Americans bel0w you are all in anti-government militia groups
10.Y0u can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1.Y0u never run out of wheat
2.Th0se cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats
3.Cruise c0ntrol takes on a whole new meaning
4.Y0ur province is really easy to draw
5.Y0u never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
6.It takes y0u two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
7.YOUR R0ughriders survived
8.Y0u can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9.Pe0ple will assume you live on a farm
10.Buying a huge J0hn Deere mower makes sense
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1.Y0u wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beach front property
2.Amusing t0wn names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg"
3.All y0ur local bands make it big and move to Toronto
4.The 0nly province to ever violently rebel against the federal government
5.Hundreds 0f huge, horribly frigid lakes
6.N0thing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
7.Y0u don't need a car, just take the canoe to work
8.Y0u can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood
9.Because 0f your license plate, you are still "friendly" even when
y0u cut someone off
10.Pass the time watching trucks and barns fl0at by
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1.Y0u live in the center of the universe
2.Y0ur $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3.Y0u and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4.There's n0 such thing as an Ontario Seperatist
5.Y0ur grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
6.L0ts of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe
it's a c0ol city
7.The 0nly province with hard-core American-style crime
8.MuchMusic's Speaker's C0rner - rant and rave on national TV for
a d0llar
9.Baseball fans park 0n your front lawn and pee on the side
0f your house
10.Mike Harris: basically a s0ber Ralph Klein
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1.Everyb0dy assumes you're an asshole
2.Racism is s0cially acceptable
3.The 0nly province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4.Y0u can take bets with your friends on which English
neighb0r will move out next
5.Other pr0vinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6.The FLQ
7.Y0ur hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
8.The pr0vince with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9.NON-sm0kers are the outcasts
10.Y0u can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards"
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1.Y0u are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken
celtic fiddlers
2.One way 0r another, the government gets 98 percent of
y0ur income
3.Y0u're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
4.When listing the pr0vinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
5.The ec0nomy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario
m0torists to Boston
6.N0 one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
7.Y0u have French people, but they don't want to kill you
8.Everyb0dy has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse
9.Just as charming as Maine, but with m0re unemployed fishermen
10.Y0u probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1.The 0nly place in North America to get bombed in the war
... by a m0ron who set a munitions ship on fire
2.Y0ur province is shaped like male genitalia
3.Every0ne is a fiddle player
4.If s0meone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to
kick their ass
5.The l0cal hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert
7.Y0u are the reason Anne Murray makes money
8.Y0u can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse
t0 wear a kilt
9.The ec0nomy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
10.Even th0ugh it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is
c0nsidered Canada's most beautiful city
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1.Even th0ugh more people live on Vancouver Island, you
still g0t the big-ass bridge
2.Y0u can walk across the province in half an hour
3.Y0u were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"
4.This is where all th0se tiny red potatoes come from
5.The ec0nomy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
6.T0urists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house,
then pr0mptly leave
7.Y0u can drive across the province in two minutes
8.It d0esn't matter to you if Quebec separates
9.Y0u don't share a border with the Americans, or with
any0ne for that matter
10.Y0u can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on
and 0ff at night
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1.The p0orest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
2.If Quebec Separates, y0u will float off to sea
3.In the rare case when s0meone moves to the Rock, you can
make them kiss a dead c0d
4.The ec0nomy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related
pr0ducts
5.If y0u do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
6.Y0u understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
7.The w0rk day is about two hours long
8.Y0u are credited with many great inventions, like the
s0lar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
9.If s0meone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are
all0wed to kick their ass
10.It is s0cially acceptable to wear your hip waders on
y0ur wedding day
Here are a few questi0ns and thoughts on life...
1. Bef0re you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, when y0u criticize him, you are a mile away from him and you
have his sh0es.
2. A bus stati0n is where a bus stops. A train station is where
a train st0ps. On my desk I have a work station....
3. I believe five 0ut of four people have trouble with fractions.
4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what f0ol came up
with, "Quit while y0u're ahead?"
5. D0 Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
6. What hair c0lor do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
7. I was thinking that w0men should put pictures of missing husbands
0n beer cans.
8. W0men have found at a certain age, going braless pulls wrinkles
0ut of their face.
9. S0me people seem to read the Bible more as they get older.
They are cramming f0r their finals.
10. Empl0yment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in
case 0f an emergency. You should write "A very good doctor."
These n0table quotes were reportedly taken from actual Federal Employee
Perf0rmance Evaluations:
1. "Since my last rep0rt, this employee has reached rock bottom and
has started t0 dig."
2. "His men w0uld follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curi0sity."
3. "I w0uld not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This empl0yee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite w0n't-be."
5. "W0rks well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap."
6. "When she 0pens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "He w0uld be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This y0ung lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets l0w personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."
10. "This empl0yee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This empl0yee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
12. "G0t a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it."
13. "A gr0ss ignoramus - 144 times worse than the ordinary ignoramus."
14. "He certainly takes a l0ng time to make his pointless."
15. "He d0esn't have ulcers, but he is a carrier."
16. "I w0uld like to go hunting with him sometime."
17. "He's been w0rking with glue too much."
18. "He w0uld argue with a signpost."
19. "He has a knack f0r making stranger immediately."
20. "He brings a l0t of joy whenever he leaves the room."
21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he sh0uld sell."
22. "If y0u see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
0ne."
23. "A ph0tographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on."
24. "A prime candidate f0r natural deselection."
25. "D0nated his brain to science before he was done using it."
26. "Gates are d0wn, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
c0ming."
27. "He has tw0 brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for
it."
28. "If he were any m0re stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
29. "If y0u give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
30. "If y0u stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
31. "It's hard t0 believe that he beat out a million other sperm."
32. "One neur0n short of a synapse."
33. "S0me drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled."
34. "Takes him 11 h0urs to watch 60 minutes."
35. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
_____________________________
Three men were sitting in a bar discussing the dumb things their wives had
d0ne recently.
The first guy says, "my wife is s0 dumb that she went our and bought us a
lawn m0wer. You know, we live in a condo and don't have any lawn to mow!"
The sec0nd guy says, "my wife is so dumb, she went out and bought herself a
new car, and she can't drive!"
That ain't n0thing says the third guy. "my wife is going on a 2 week trip
with0ut me. I was watching her pack and I saw a package of condoms in her
suitcase, and she d0esn't even have a penis!"
Andy was a COBOL pr0grammer in the mid- to late-1990s...
After years 0f being taken for granted and treated as a
techn0logical dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and
client/server pr0grammers and Web site developers, Andy
was finally getting s0me respect. He'd become a private
c0nsultant specializing in year 2000 conversions. He was
w0rking short-term assignments for prestigious companies,
traveling all 0ver the world on different assignments. He
was w0rking 70 and 80 and even 90 hours a week, but it
was w0rth it.
Then, several years 0f this relentless, mind-numbing work
t0ok its toll on Andy. He had problems sleeping, and began
having anxiety dreams ab0ut the year 2000. It reached a point
where even the th0ught of the year 2000 made him nearly
vi0lent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown,
because all he c0uld think about was how he could avoid the
year 2000 and all that came with it. Andy decided t0 contact a
c0mpany that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to
have himself fr0zen until March 15th, 2000. Although this
was a very expensive pr0cess, it was totally automated. He was
thrilled. The next thing he w0uld know is he'd wake up in the
year 2000; after the New Year celebrati0ns and computer
debacles; after the Leap Day. N0thing else to worry about
except getting 0n with his life. He was put into his cryogenic
receptacle, the technicians set the revive, he was given
injecti0ns to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and
that was that.
The next thing that Andy saw was an en0rmous and very
m0dern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting
"I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!"
There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment
that l0oked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone
wh0 was obviously a spokesman for the group stepped forward.
Andy c0uldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over? Is 2000
already here? Are all the millennial parties and pr0motions and
crises all 0ver and done with?"
The sp0kesman explained that there had been a problem with
the timer 0n Andy's cryogenic receptacle--it hadn't been year
2000-c0mpliant. It was actually eight thousand years later - not
the year 2000, but 9999. Then the sp0kesman told Andy that he
sh0uldn't get too excited; but someone real important wanted to
speak t0 him.
Suddenly a wall-sized pr0jection screen displayed the image
0f a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was
Prime Minister 0f Earth. He told Andy that this was a wonderful
time t0 be alive. That there was world peace and no more
starvati0n. That the space program had been reinstated and there
were c0lonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had
advanced t0 such a degree that everyone had virtual reality
interfaces which all0wed them to contact anyone else on the
planet, 0r to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music
rec0rded, anywhere, anytime.
"That s0unds terrific," said Andy. "But I'm curious. Why is
everyb0dy so interested in me?"
"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just ar0und
the c0rner, and it says in your file that you know COBOL."
A man runs int0 the vet's office carrying his dog,
screaming f0r help. The vet rushes him back to an
examinati0n room and has him put his dog down on
the examinati0n table. The vet examines the still,
limp b0dy and after a few moments tells the man
that his d0g, regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and n0t willing to accept
this, demands a sec0nd opinion.
The vet g0es into the back room and comes out with
a cat and puts the cat d0wn next to the dog's body.
The cat sniffs the b0dy, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the d0g's body and finally looks at the vet
and me0ws. The vet looks at the man and says,
"I'm s0rry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling t0 accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrad0r. The lab sniffs the
b0dy, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the
vet and barks. The vet l0oks at the man and says, "I'm
s0rry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned t0 the diagnosis, thanks the
vet and asks h0w much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650.
"$650 t0 tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I w0uld only have charged you
$50 f0r my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was
f0r the cat scan and lab tests."
IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD...
W0men with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
Medical research m0ney would be spent on developing new birth control
meth0ds for men.
Baby-sitting, d0ing dishes and making beds would be considered "Macho".
Fewer w0men would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would
increase by 40 p0unds.
PMS w0uld be a legitimate defense in court.
Sh0pping would be considered an aerobic activity.
Men w0uld get reputations for sleeping around.
"Ms Magazine" w0uld have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad
male m0dels.
Men wh0 designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them.
Men w0uld not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of
bedtime.
Men w0uld be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for
n0ne of the credit.
Little girls w0uld read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".
Men w0uld earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.
Men w0uld bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men w0uld sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
Men w0uld pay as much attention to their women as their cars.
All t0ilet seats would be nailed down.
Men w0uld work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
TV news segments 0n sports would never run longer than one minute.
All men w0uld be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
During mid-life crisis, men w0uld get hot-flashes and women would date 19
year 0ld boys.
After a baby is b0rn, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait
0n their wives hand and foot.
F0r basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old
f0r six weeks.
Singles bars w0uld have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding
rings in their p0ckets.
Subject: Great C0mebacks
Man: "Haven't we met bef0re?"
W0man: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen y0u someplace before?
W0man: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
W0man: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "S0, wanna go back to my place ?"
W0man: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Y0ur place or mine?"
W0man: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like t0 call you. What's your number?"
W0man: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I d0n't know your name."
W0man: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "S0 what do you do for a living?"
W0man: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's y0ur sign?"
W0man: "Do not Enter"
Man: "H0w do you like your eggs in the morning?"
W0man: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, c0me on, we're both here at this bar
f0r the same reason"
W0man: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I kn0w how to please a woman."
W0man: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want t0 give myself to you."
W0man: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I c0uld see you naked, I'd die happy:
W0man: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing".
Man: "Y0ur body is like a temple."
W0man: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd g0 through anything for you."
W0man: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I w0uld go to the end of the world for you.
W0man: "Yes, but would you stay there?
January 1, 2000
Re: Vacati0n Pay
Dear Valued Empl0yee:
Our rec0rds indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the
past 100 year(s). As I'm sure y0u are aware, employees are granted 3
weeks 0f paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional
week is granted f0r every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days 0ff work or notify our office and your next
pay check will reflect payment 0f $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay
and interest f0r the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Aut0mated Payroll Processing
Helping 0ut the President
A Marine c0lonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon
came t0 a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow,
this traffic seems w0rse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
He n0tices a police officer walking back and forth between
the lines 0f cars so he rolls down his window and asks,
"Excuse me, Officer, what's the h0ld up?"
The Officer replies, "The President is just s0 depressed
ab0ut the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the
middle 0f the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself
in gas0line and set himself on fire. He says his family hates
him and he d0esn't have the $33.5 million he owes his
lawyers. I'm walking r0und taking up a collection for him".
"Oh really? H0w much have you collected so far?"
"S0 far only about a hundred gallons but I've got a lot of
f0lks still siphoning."
President Bill Clint0n was visiting an elementary school today and when he
visited 0ne of the classes (4th grade), they were in the middle of a
discussi0n related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he w0uld like to lead the class in the
discussi0n of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious, leader asks the
class f0r an example of a tragedy."
One little b0y stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next
d0or, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that
w0uld be a tragedy."
"N0," says Clinton, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her
hand. "If a sch0ol bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing
every0ne involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid n0t," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a
GREAT LOSS." The r0om goes silent. No other children volunteer.
President Clint0n searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can
give me an example 0f a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back 0f the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a
quiet v0ice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was
struck by a missile and bl0wn up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy!"
"Fantastic," exclaims Clint0n, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY
that w0uld be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the b0y, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly
w0uld be no great loss!"
Y0u might be an Alaskan if...
S0meone mentions "super cub" and you do not envision a tiny bear wearing
blue tights and a red cape.
Y0u go to the bathroom on the plane; but there is no bathroom on the plane.
Y0u are vacationing in Hawaii when a beautiful woman in a bikini walks by
and y0u think "Boy! I'd sure like to see her in a snowmobile suit.
Y0u can see the road through the floorboard of your pickup truck.
Y0u have ever called an 800 number, you found in a catalog, and then were
t0ld, "Alaska? Oh, we don't ship to foreign countries."
Try saying "N0rth Pole Alaska," most places usually laugh for a solid
minute, 0r they just hang up thinking you're some kind of phone prankster.
Y0u have ever put up with the pain of a toothache until the Permanent Fund
checks came 0ut in October.
Y0u know going "outside" involves a lot more than opening the door and
walking 0ut into the yard.
Y0u have ever worn a tie with waders.
Y0u have ever worn underwear that had something called a "trapdoor".
Y0u have learned to never say to your kids, "Be home by dark!"
Y0u know a tail-dragger is an airplane, not a bad day at the office.
Y0u know bunny boots aren't worn by bunnies or made out of bunnies.
Y0u know the meaning of the word "Baleen" and it has nothing to do with
making hay int0 large cubes.
Y0u take off your shirt and your arms are as pale as your legs all the
way t0 your wrists.
Y0u know that the term "breakup" has more to do with the weather than
pers0nal relationships.
Y0ur monthly Alascom phone bill is larger than your house payment.
Y0ur relatives think you live too far away for them to come visit you
but y0u should come see them more often.
There is a b0ttle of Avon's Skin-so-Soft in your tackle box.
Y0u don't know anyone that doesn't own a 4-wheeler.
Y0u have ever taken a trip "outside" and tried to cash a traveler's
check, drawn 0n an Alaskan bank, and the cashier asked you for the current
rate 0f exchange in Alaska.
Y0u have ever washed your car while there was still snow on the ground.
Y0u have more money invested in your well, water purification, and
septic system than m0st folks, down south, pay for a house.
Y0u have more recipes on how to cook salmon than you have salmon.
Y0u have tennis elbow but have never played tennis, just snagged a lot
0f salmon.
Y0u keep a roll of toilet paper behind your truck seat.
Y0u know a honey-bucket is really a bucket but it is not really full of
h0ney.
Y0u know that "Rat-Net" is not a rodent catching device.
Y0u know the Naknek twitch is an illegal fishing technique, not a
spasm0dic muscle in your neck.
Y0u learned to swim indoors.
Y0u leave your Christmas lights up, year round, because as soon as it
gets warm en0ugh to take them down it starts getting cold again.
Y0u own a lawnmower that maybe gets fired up once each summer.
Y0ur bedroom windows are covered with tin foil.
Y0u had waffle soles put on your cowboy boots.
Y0u think "Hard Rock" has to do with gold mining.
Y0ur monthly veterinarian bill is more than your own medical bills.
Y0u know that a "handi-man-jack" is a device designed to lift a car to
change a flat, n0t a guy named Jack that comes around your house on
Saturdays t0 repair minor problems.
Y0u know a "white-out" has to do with winter conditions not correcting
a typ0.
ANY fish sh0rter than eighteen inches, you throw back.
Y0u think its normal for a town to put all the businesses on one side
0f the road.
Y0u run out in below freezing weather to start your car without a
jacket 0n because it hasn't really gotten cold enough yet to need one.
Y0u don't think any of these jokes are funny because they are too real.
Y0u can easily catch and kill mosquitos in midair with one hand.
Y0u've ever worn mosquito nets.
H0mer has three meanings: a baseball term, a funny character from the
Simps0ns, and a city.
'C0mbat Fishing' drives you crazy.
Y0u know that terms 'Jack', 'Hog', and 'Dog' are mean for fishing.
Y0u know what "Char", "Greyling", and "Lakers" are.
Y0u've ever experienced an earthquake.
Y0u've ever experienced a volcano eruption.
Y0u've ever experienced an earthquake and a volcano eruption at the
same time.
Operati0n "Brim Frost" is an economy boost for two weeks.
Y0u've seen antifreeze freeze causing your car to overheat and
breakd0wn in the middle of no where.
Y0u had a car with an electrical plug on it.
When watching TV c0mmercials, you watch for the small print at the
b0ttom reading, 'This offer excludes Alaska and Hawaii.'
Y0u think its no big deal if Russian Bear bombers and fighters fly 'off
c0urse' into US airspace.
Y0u ever put a window screen on the front of your car to keep the
windshield fr0m being cracked by rocks.
Y0u ever had target practice in your yard.
Ever left y0ur car or house unlocked for any length of time.
A y0ung blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She
wanted a pair 0f genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but
was very reluctant t0 pay the high prices the local vendors were
asking. After bec0ming very frustrated with the "no haggle"
attitude 0f one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe
I'll just g0 out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair
0f shoes at a reasonable price!"
The sh0pkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll
luck 0ut and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde
turned and headed f0r the swamps, set on catching herself an
alligat0r.
Later in the day, the sh0pkeeper is driving home, when he spots
the y0ung woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in
hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 f0ot alligator swimming
quickly t0ward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a
great deal 0f effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.
Laying nearby were several m0re of the dead creatures. The
sh0pkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the
alligat0r on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it,
this 0ne isn't wearing any shoes either!"
New Clint0n Bumper Stickers
One M0re Whore And We Get Gore
HONK! If y0u had sex with the President
Kennedy = Camel0t Clinton = Lie-a-lot
Clint0n: We forgive you . . .Now Resign!
Al G0re: One heartthrob from the Presidency
Adultery is NOT a family value
D0es character matter YET?
America needs a President N0t a Predator
Bill Clint0n: Commander in Heat
My President Slept with Y0ur Honor Student
Jail t0 the Chief
T0day kids no longer play doctor, they play President
The Clint0n Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility
If his private life d0esn't matter, let him date your daughter
The f0llowing is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid term:
"Is Hell ex0thermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Supp0rt your answer with a proof."
M0st of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
c0ols off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, h0wever, wrote the following:
First, we need t0 know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we
need t0 know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that 0nce a soul gets to
Hell, it will n0t leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As f0r how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religi0ns that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state
that if y0u are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are m0re than one of these religions and since people do not
bel0ng to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls
g0 to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
0f souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
N0w, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
B0yle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell
t0 stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives tw0 possibilities:
1 - If Hell is expanding at a sl0wer rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks l0ose.
2 - Of c0urse, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
0f souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes 0ver. So which is it?
If we accept the p0stulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during
my Freshman year "That it will be a c0ld night in Hell before I sleep with
y0u," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in
having ****** relati0ns with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am
sure that Hell is ex0thermic.
The student g0t the only A.
One day, Jesus and M0ses are out walking on the golf course and decide
t0 have a contest over who can make the best shot.
S0 Moses goes first. He sets up for the shot and hammers it straight for
the green. Unf0rtunately the ball falls in the water hazard. Undaunted
M0ses raises his arms to the sky and the water parts where the ball
dr0pped in. The ball rolls out of the water and unto dry land, only a
f0ot from the hole. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "Wow, that was a
great sh0t!"
S0 Jesus sets up for his shot and sends the ball screaming towards the
green. Unf0rtunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses did. The ball
headed straight f0r the water hazard. Jesus holds up one hand and
instead 0f dropping in the water, the ball bounces off the top of it and
r0lls onto dry land only three inches away from the hole. Moses says,
"W0w, that was a great shot!"
N0 sooner had Moses said this than the sky grew dark. The wind starts
t0 pick up, lightning and thunder crackles through the sky. Suddenly, a
ball falls fr0m the heavens into the same water hazard where Jesus and
M0ses hit theirs. A fish comes up and swallows the ball. An eagle
sw0ops down and grabs the fish in his talons and heads for the darkened
sky. Lightning strikes the eagle, and he dr0ps the fish to the green.
The fish's m0uth opens and the ball rolls out and drops into the hole.
M0ses turns to Jesus and says, "Man! I hate it when your dad plays!"
Happy H0lidays from Your Politically Correct Attorney
Please accept with n0 obligation, implied or implicit our best
wishes f0r an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low
stress, n0n-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter
s0lstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of
the religi0us persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your
ch0ice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditi0ns of others, or their choice not to practice religious or
secular traditi0ns at all . . .
and a fiscally successful, pers0nally fulfilling, and medically
unc0mplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted
calendar year 1999, but n0t without due respect for the calendars of
ch0ice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped
make America great, (n0t to imply that America is necessarily greater
than any 0ther country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western
hemisphere), and with0ut regard to the race, creed, color, age,
physical ability, religi0us faith, choice of computer platform, or
sexual preference 0f the wishee.
(By accepting this greeting, y0u are accepting these terms. This
greeting is subject t0 clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable with n0 alteration to the original greeting. It implies
n0 promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself 0r others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is
rev0cable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is
warranted t0 perform as expected within the usual application of good
tidings f0r a period of one year, or until the issuance of a
subsequent h0liday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited t0 replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the
s0le discretion of the wisher.)
KIDS' LITTLE INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE
When y0u want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age 12
Never smart 0ff to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. R0cky, Age 9
Sleep in y0ur clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8
D0n't flush the john when your dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10
Never ask f0r anything that costs more than five dollars when
y0ur parents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant m0m. Nicholas, Age 11
D0n't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10
When y0ur dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
Answer him. Heather, Age 16
Never tell y0ur mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14
D0n't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age 12
When y0u get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's 0n the phone. Alyesha, Age 13
Never spit when 0n a roller coaster. Scott, Age 11
Never d0 pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10
Beware 0f cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, Age 10
Never tell y0ur little brother that you're not going to do what
y0ur mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12
Remember y0u're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11
Listen t0 your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7
Stay away fr0m prunes. Randy, Age 9
Never dare y0ur little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13
F0rget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, Age 8
Remember the tw0 places you are always welcome - church and
grandma's h0use. Joanne, Age 11
-------------------------------
H0w things would be different if Microsoft were headquartered in Georgia:
1. Their #1 pr0duct would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead 0f an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3. Dial0g boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"
4. Instead 0f "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
5. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 w0uld be an outhouse
6. Instead 0f "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be
Achey-Breaky Heart
7. P0wer Point would be named "ParPawnt"
8. Winders 95 l0go would incorporate the Confederate Flag
9. New Shutd0wn WAV: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!"
10. Micr0soft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Hen house
11. Spreadsheet s0ftware would include examples to inventory dead
cars in y0ur front yard
12. Flight Simulat0r replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator
13. Micr0soft CEO: Bubba Gates
Clint0n died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the Pearly
Gates. After kn0cking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?"
inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clint0n"
"And what d0 you want?" asked St. Peter.
"Lemme in!" replied Clint0n.
"S0ooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clint0n thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you
sh0uldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had
extra-marital sex -- but y0u shouldn't hold that against me because I
didn't really have 'sexual relati0ns.' And I lied, but I didn't commit
perjury."
After several m0ments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the
deal. We'll send y0u someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it
'Hell.' Y0u'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call
it 'eternity.' And d0n't abandon all hope upon entering, just don't hold
y0ur breath waiting for it to freeze over."
Seen 0n the net:
MS gn0mes are gnown to gnarl when gnew gneeds change the gnown from gnormal
New Bumper Snickers
The sex was s0 good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If y0u smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
The m0re people I meet, the more I like my dog.
S0me people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used t0 have a handle on life, but it broke.
Y0u're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
I g0t a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
S0 you're a feminist...Isn't that cute !!!!
I d0n't care, I don't have to.
Earth is the insane asylum f0r the universe.
T0 all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm n0t a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
H0rn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idi0ts ... I married their king.
My kid had sex with y0ur honor student.
Earth first...we'll mine the 0ther planets later.
This isn't burger king, y0u can't have it your way.
If at first y0u do succeed, try not to look astonished.
I'm just driving this way t0 piss you off.
Sp0tted owls taste just like chicken.
Hang up and drive.
G0d must love stupid people, he made so many.
I t0ok an IQ test and the results were negative.
I l0ve animals...they're delicious.
I kn0w what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
D0n't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
h0ket on foniks werked fur me
PRESIDENT CLINTON'S TESTIMONY BY DR. SUESS
I DID NOT DO IT IN A CAR
I DID NOT DO IT IN A BAR
I DID NOT DO IT IN THE DARK
I DID NOT DO IT IN THE PARK
I DID NOT DO IT ON A DATE
I DID NOT EVER FORNICATE
I DID NOT DO IT AT A DANCE
I DID NOT DO IT IN HER PANTS
I DID NOT GET BEYOND FIRST BASE
I DID NOT DO IT IN HER FACE
I NEVER DID IT IN A BED
IF YOU THINK THAT, YOU'VE BEEN MISLED
I DID NOT DO IT WITH A GROAN
I DID NOT DO IT ON THE PHONE
I DID NOT CAUSE HER DRESS TO STAIN
I NEVER BOINKED SUDDAM HUSSEIN
I DID NOT DO IT WITH A WHIP
I NEVER FONDLED LINDA TRIPP
I NEVER ACTED REALLY SILLY
WITH VOLUNTEERS LIKE KATHLEEN WILLEY
THERE WAS ONE TIME, WITH MARGARET THATCHER
I CHASED HER 'ROUND, BUT COULD NOT CATCH HER
NO KINKY STUFF, NOT ON YOUR LIFE
I WOULDN'T EVEN WITH MY WIFE
AND GENNIFER FLOWERS' TALE OF WOES
WAS PAID FOR BY MY RIGHT-WING FOES
AND PAULA JONES, AND THOSE STATE TROOPERS
ARE JUST A BUNCH OF PARTY POOPERS
I DID NOT ASK MY FRIENDS TO LIE
I DID NOT HANG THEM OUT TO DRY
I DID NOT DO IT LAST NOVEMBER
BUT IF I DID, I DON'T REMEMBER
I DID NOT DO IT IN THE HALL
I COULD HAVE, BUT I DON'T RECALL
I NEVER DID IT IN MY STUDY
I NEVER DID IT WITH MY DOG, BUDDY
I NEVER DID IT TO SOX, THE CAT
I MIGHT HAVE-ONCE-WITH ARAFAT
I NEVER DID IT IN A HURRY
I NEVER GROPED MS. BETTY CURRIE
I MIGHT HAVE COPPED A LITTLE FEEL
AND THEN ENDEAVORED TO CONCEAL
BUT NEVER DID THESE THINGS SO LEWD
AT LEAST, NOT EVER IN THE NUDE
THESE THINGS TO WHICH I HAVE CONFESSED
THEY DO NOT COUNT, IF WE STAYED DRESSED
IT NEVER HAPPENED WITH CIGAR
I NEVER DATED MRS. STARR
I DID NOT KNOW THIS LITTLE SIN
WOULD BE RETOLD ON CNN
I BROKE SOME RULES MY MAMA TAUGHT ME
I TRIED TO HIDE, BUT NOW YOU'VE CAUGHT ME
BUT I IMPLORE, I DO BESEECH
DO NOT CONDEMN, DO NOT IMPEACH
I MIGHT HAVE GOT A LITTLE TAIL
BUT NEVER, NEVER DID INHALE
Painfully accurate, ain't it?
Signs Y0u've Had Too Much of the 90's:
1. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast f0od bags
0ut of the back seat of your car.
2. Y0ur reason for not staying in touch with family is that they
d0 not have e-mail addresses.
3. Y0u consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
4. Y0u refer to your dining room table as the flat filing
cabinet.
5. Y0ur idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it
n0tes.
6. Y0ur grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some
0f the products don't even exist any more.
7. Y0u hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
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