0pened a fast-food seafood resturant? One was the fish friar,
the 0ther was the chip monk.
A w0man walked into a vet's office dragging a soaking wet rabbit
0n a leash. "Sit, Fluffy," she said. Fluffy glared at her
and h0pped up on another customer's lap, getting him
s0pping wet. "I said sit, Fluffy," the slightly embarrased
w0man said. "Be good!" Fluffy, mad as a hatter, hopped
d0wn and started a fight with a Doberman, persuing it
clear 0ut of the office. The woman, now deeply embarrassed,
headed 0ut the door to try to catch the dog and the wet
rabbit -- and sh0uted to the rest of the flabbergasted
cust0mers: "I'm sorry, I've just washed my hare and can't
d0 a thing with it!"
Carmencita, a l0vely girl, fell in love with Juan, a young
Spaniard with a wandering eye. Fearing that he might n0t
remain faithful until they reached the altar, she kept him
in sight every waking m0ment. Her vigilance was rewarded
when she wed her suit0r without his ever straying. Envious
0ther maidens asked the secret of her success. Her answer:
Always herd the Juan y0u love.
KITCHEN SLOGANS
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is deliri0us.
N0 husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
If we are what we eat, then I'm fast, cheap and easy.
A balanced diet is a c0okie in each hand.
Th0u shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they wh0 can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease t0 be amused.
A clean h0use is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat 0ut.
H0usework done properly can kill you.
C0untless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
g0ne on to lead normal lives.
My next h0use will have no kitchen - just vending machines.
A d0ctor made a habit of stopping off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri 0n his way home from his office. The bartender always
had the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One aftern0on,
as the end 0f the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed
t0 find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly,
he threw t0gether a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on
the bar. The d0ctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of
the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazlenut daiquiri!" "N0,
I'm s0rry," replied the bartender. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
------------------------------
Q: H0w many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: 1,343 :
1 t0 change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the
light bulb has been changed;
14 t0 share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb c0uld have been changed differently;
7 t0 caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;
27 t0 point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing
light bulbs;
53 t0 flame the spell checkers;
41 t0 correct spelling/grammar flames;
6 t0 argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"; another 6
t0 condemn those 6 as anal-retentive;
156 t0 write to the list administrator about the light bulb discussion
and its inappr0priateness to this mail list;
109 t0 post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take
this email exchange t0 litebulb-l;
203 t0 demand that cross posting to grammar-l, spelling-l and
illuminati-l ab0ut changing light bulbs be stopped;
111 t0 defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light
bulbs and theref0re the posts *are* relevant to this mail list;
306 t0 debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
t0 buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best
f0r this technique and what brands are faulty;
27 t0 post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs;
14 t0 post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and the post the
c0rrected URL's;
3 t0 post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to
this list which makes light bulbs relevant t0 this list;
33 t0 link all posts to date, then quote them including all headers
and f0oters and then add "Me too";
12 t0 post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot
handle the light bulb c0ntroversy;
19 t0 quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three";
4 t0 suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ;
44 t0 ask what is "FAQ";
4 t0 say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago on Usenet?"
143 t0 ask "what's Usenet?"
A first grade teacher c0llected well known proverbs. She gave each
kid in the class the first half 0f the proverb, and asked them to come
up with the rest.
Here is what the kids came up with:
Better t0 be safe than.................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the.........................bug is cl0se.
It's always darkest bef0re..............daylight savings time
Never underestimate the p0wer of............termites.
Y0u can lead a horse to water but ...........how?
D0n't bite the hand that.......................looks dirty.
N0 news is.........................impossible.
A miss is as g0od as a........................Mr.
Y0u can't teach an old dog.....................math.
If y0u lie down with dogs, you.........will stink in the morning.
L0ve all, trust........................me.
The pen is mightier than......................the pigs.
An idle mind is......................the best way t0 relax.
Where there is sm0ke, there's..............pollution.
Happy is the bride wh0..................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is.........................n0t much.
Tw0 is company, three's.....................The Musketeers.
N0ne are so blind as.....................Helen Keller.
Children sh0uld be seen and not..........spanked or grounded.
If at first y0u don't succeed.................get new batteries.
Y0u get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind.................get 0ut of the way.
There is n0 fool like...........................Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the wh0le world laughs with you. Cry and.......you have to
bl0w your nose.
Last week, G0d, His Faithful Son, the Pope and Moses and His Messenger
Gabriel had a very imp0rtant meeting. They were troubled by the President
0f the United States' inappropriate behavior. They decided that the only
viable c0urse of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get
their message acr0ss to him.
The pr0blem they faced was how to word this new commandment so that it
equaled the 0ther commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great
meditati0n and discussion, they concluded that number 11 should read:
"Th0u shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
When Ap0llo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he
n0t only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind" statement but f0llowed it by several remarks, usual com traffic
between him, the 0ther astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he
reentered the lander, h0wever, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck
Mr. G0rsky." Many people at NASA thought is was a casual remark concerning
s0me rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky
in either the Russian 0r American space programs.
Over the years many pe0ple questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck
Mr. G0rsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5,
1995 in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questi0ns following a speech, a
rep0rter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he
finally resp0nded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong
felt he c0uld answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the fr0nt of his neighbor's
bedr0om windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned
d0wn to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at
Mr. G0rsky. "Sex! You want sex! You'll get sex when the kid next door
walks 0n the moon!"
True st0ry.
Lamentati0ns of the Father' by Ian Frazier
Laws 0f Forbidden Places
Of the beasts 0f the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all
f0ods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living
r0om.
Of the h0ofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not
in the living r0om. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you
may eat, but n0t in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, 0f the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and
0f all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you
may eat, but n0t in the living room.
Of quiescently fr0zen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may
eat, but abs0lutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and 0ther beverages, yea, even of those in sippy-cups, you
may drink, but n0t in the living room, neither may you carry such
therein.
Indeed, when y0u reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of
any f0od or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if
y0u are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you
eat in the living r0om.
Laws When at Table
And if y0u are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a
greater pers0n might use, keep your legs and feet below you as it were.
Neither raise up y0ur knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is
an ab0mination unto me. Yea, even when you have an interesting bandage to
sh0w, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink y0ur milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor
f0rk, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you
will dip y0ur blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you shall be sent
away.
When y0u have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and
d0 not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in
0rder to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you shall be sent
away.
When y0u chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have
swall0wed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what
is within; I say t0 you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister
hath d0ne the same to you.
Eat y0ur food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the
table between y0ur jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your
lips. I say again t0 you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And th0ugh your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not
with it up0n the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is
why.
And th0ugh the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand
them upright t0 make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have t0ld you, and do not lean to one side or the other,
n0r slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit
like that, y0ur hair will go into the syrup.
And n0w behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
Laws Pertaining t0 Dessert
F0r we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is
clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then y0u shall have dessert.
But 0f the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of
y0ur meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not
less than three peas each, 0r in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and
y0u have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls
eaten where I can see, then y0u shall have dessert.
But if y0u eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes,
still y0u shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the
p0tatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small
p0rtion thereof.
And if y0u try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a
f0rk, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall
int0 iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
On Screaming
D0 not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given
a plate 0n which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are
t0uching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you
p0int to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you,
scream n0t, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may
c0rrect the fault.
Likewise if y0u receive a portion of fish from which every piece of
herbal seas0ning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is
l0athsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from
screaming.
Th0ugh the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death,
make n0t that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face,
n0r press your fingers to your nose.
F0r even I have made the fish as it should be;
beh0ld, I eat it myself, yet shall not surely die.
C0ncerning Face and Hands
Cast y0ur countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the
hills, that I may m0re easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you;
even t0 the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast p0cket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe,
rice and 0ther fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.
Only h0ld yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its
turn f0r my examination thereof, and also each thumb.
L0, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you
shall n0t go hence until I have done.
Vari0us Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite n0t, lest you be also bitten again.
Neither drink 0f your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind;
n0r rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub
y0urself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat al0ne, for what has the cat done, that you should so
afflict it with tape?
And hum n0t the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand
between the light and the b0ok. Indeed, you shall drive me to madness.
N0r forget what I said about the tape.
A man wh0 lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put
his head 0ut the window to check. As he did so a glass
eye fell int0 his hand.
He l0oked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman
l0oking down.
"Is this y0urs?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, c0uld you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was pr0fuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As
she was very attractive he agreed. Sh0rtly afterwards
she said, "I'm ab0ut to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to
j0in me?"
He readily accepted her 0ffer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the
evening was drawing t0 a close the lady said, "I've had a
marvel0us evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "D0 you act like this with every man you
meet?"
"N0," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."
Occasi0nally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their 0ther announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are s0me real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways t0 leave your lover, but there are only
4 ways 0ut of this airplane..."
"We d0 feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must
sm0ke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the
wings."
"Sm0king in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
sm0king in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pil0t - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude, so I am
g0ing to switch off the seat belt sign. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit c0ld
0utside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
After landing: "Thank y0u for flying Delta Business Express.
We h0pe you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
y0u for a ride."
As the plane landed and was c0ming to a stop at Washington
Nati0nal, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"
After a particularly r0ugh landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant 0n a Northwest flight announced:"Please take
care when 0pening the overhead compartments because, after a landing
like that,sure as hell everything has shifted."
Fr0m a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard
S0uthwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal
tab int0 the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other
seatbelt, and if y0u don't know how to operate one, you probably
sh0uldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event 0f a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks
will descend fr0m the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
it 0ver your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
y0ur mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or
m0re small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at 0ur destination is 50 degrees with some broken
cl0uds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you,
and remember, n0body loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
"Y0ur seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the
event 0f an emergency water landing, please take them with our
c0mpliments."
Once 0n a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude n0w, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm
switching t0 autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all
0f you for the rest of the flight."
"Sh0uld the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from
the 0verhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
bef0re assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As y0u exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
bel0ngings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please d0 not leave children or spouses."
"Last 0ne off the plane must clean it."
And fr0m the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
t0 have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unf0rtunately, none of them is on this flight...!
Heard 0n Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came 0n the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I kn0w what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to
tell y0u it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Overheard 0n an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
0n a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the
Captain was really having t0 fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant came 0n the PA and announced, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welc0me to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your
seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left 0f our airplane
t0 the gate!"
An0ther flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask y0u to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us t0 the terminal."
An airline pil0t wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship int0 the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first 0fficer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks f0r flying XYZ airline
." He said that in light 0f his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
the passengers in the eye, thinking that s0meone would have a smart
c0mment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "S0nny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why n0 Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said,
"Did we land 0r were we shot down?"
After a real crusher 0f a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came 0n with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have br0ught the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. And, 0nce the tire smoke has cleared
and the warning bells are silenced, we'll 0pen the door and you can pick
y0ur way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part 0f a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
t0 thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge t0 go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube we h0pe you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Tw0 hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they
came up with a f0olproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose
c0stume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was t0 hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the
c0stume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a
clearing, d0nned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Bef0re long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the
f0rest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in
fr0nt said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."
After a m0ment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted,
"The zipper is stuck! What are we g0ing to do!?"
The guy in the fr0nt says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but
y0u'd better brace yourself."
Bi0graphy!
It is time t0 elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here's the
sc0op on the three leading candidates.
Candidate A ass0ciates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists.
He's had tw0 mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a
day.
Candidate B was kicked 0ut of office twice, sleeps until noon, used
0pium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.
Candidate C is a dec0rated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
drinks an 0ccasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.
Which 0f these candidates is your choice?? (see below)
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Candidate A is Franklin D. R0osevelt
Candidate B is Winst0n Churchill
Candidate C is Ad0lph Hitler.
A Bible St0ry
And G0d created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the
w0man, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
She replied, "Yes, c0uld get rid of this middle breast?"
And s0 it was done, and it was good.
Then the w0man exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in
her hand, "What can be d0ne with this useless boob?"
And G0d created man!
A bus stati0n is where a bus stops.
A train stati0n is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a w0rk station...
If Fed Ex and UPS were t0 merge, would they call it Fed UP?
I believe five 0ut of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what f0ol came up with
"Quit while y0u're ahead"?
D0 Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair c0lor do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that w0men should put pictures of missing husbands on beer
cans.
I was thinking ab0ut how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get 0lder then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals.
I th0ught about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and
f0rks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Why d0 they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supp0sed to do...write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures
0n the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
delivered the mail?
Never agree t0 plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits
by Picass0.
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little sh0pping.
If it's true that we are here t0 help others, then what exactly are the
OTHERS here f0r?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
Y0u never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Cl0nes are people two.
If a man says s0mething in the woods and there are no women there, is he
still wr0ng?
G0 ahead and take risks...just be sure that everything will turn out OK..
N0 one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
As I said bef0re, I never repeat myself!
If y0u can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever w0nder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
N0stalgia isn't what it used to be.
Think "h0nk" if you're telepathic.
T0p 16 Ways to Tell if a Redneck is Working at a
C0mputer in your Office
1. The m0use is referred to as a, "critter."
2. The keyb0ard is camouflaged.
3. There is a sk0al can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. The passw0rd is, "bubba."
5. The numeric keypad 0nly goes up to six.
6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker 0n it.
7. Outg0ing faxes have beerstains on them.
8. The printer g0es really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM sl0ts have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee
0ptions.
11. The m0nitor is up on blocks.
12. Seven blue tick h0unds under the desk.
13. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
14. The screen saver c0nsist of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling
Banj0s playing in the background.
15. The six fr0nt keys have rotted out.
16. J0hn Deere Pocket Protectors.
Entr0py been crrepin' 'round my cabin door...
by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
As scientists and c0ncerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
t0wards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on
pr0ducts that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also
0ffer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however
well-intenti0ned,
merely scratch the surface 0f what is really necessary in this
imp0rtant area. This is especially true in light of the findings of
20th century physics.
We are theref0re proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join
t0gether in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the
c0nspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging
0f every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our
suggested list 0f warnings appears below.
WARNING: This Pr0duct Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Pr0duct Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
Universe, Including the Pr0ducts of Other Manufacturers, with a Force
Pr0portional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to
the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass 0f This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Milli0n Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Pr0duct Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles M0ving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred
Milli0n Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because 0f the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
Imp0ssible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely
Where This Pr0duct Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but N0nzero Chance That, Through
a Pr0cess Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear
fr0m Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the
Universe, Including Y0ur Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will
N0t Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: Acc0rding to Certain Suggested
Versi0ns of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
C0nstituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four
Hundred Milli0n Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
Merchandise Sh0uld Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
Expl0sion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use 0f This Product, in Any
Manner Whats0ever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the
Universe. Alth0ugh No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is
Warned That This Pr0cess Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the
Universe.
NOTE: The M0st Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together
by a "Gluing" F0rce About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose
Adhesive P0wer Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing 0f Product Contents Found Hereon,
the C0nsumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically
Be Entitled t0 Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However,
the C0nsumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and
Bey0nd Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven
New Dimensi0ns Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They
Cann0t Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: S0me Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
C0nsumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist
0r Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subat0mic Particles (Electrons,
Pr0tons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
Measurable Respect as Th0se Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers,
and N0 Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Sh0uld Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since
Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent 0n Its Velocity Relative to
the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,
Including This Pr0duct, May One Day Collapse Back into an
Infinitesimally
Small Space. Sh0uld Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the
Existence 0f This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
A pers0n (could be a blonde) stood upon the banks of a raging river,
l0oking for a way to cross. The rapids looked far too treacherous to
risk, s0 the person started along the bank looking for a better
place t0 wade across.
After several minutes 0f hiking, the person spied a second person
(c0uld also be a blonde) on the far bank of the river.
"Hey!" the first pers0n called to the second. "How do I get over
t0 the other side?"
"Idi0t", sneered the second person. "You ARE on the other side."
THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER - A BEDTIME STORY
ORIGINAL CHINESE VERSION
The ant w0rks hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
h0use and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
she's a f0ol and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grassh0pper has no food or
shelter s0 he dies out in the cold.
MODERN AMERICAN VERSION
The ant w0rks hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his h0use and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
she's a f0ol and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
C0me winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands t0 know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed
while 0thers are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to
pr0vide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant
in his c0mfortable home with a table filled with food. America is
stunned by the sharp c0ntrast. How can it be that, in a country of such
wealth, this p0or grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative 0f the NAGB (the National Association of Green
Bugs)sh0ws up on Nightline and charges the ant with green bias, and
makes the case that the grassh0pper is the victim of 30 million years of
greenism. Kermit the Fr0g appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and
everyb0dy cries when he sings "It's not easy being green." Bill and
Hillary Clint0n make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News
t0 tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for
the grassh0pper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those
wh0 benefitted unfairly during the Reagan summers. Richard Gephardt
exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has g0tten
rich 0ff the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax
hike 0n the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC
drafts the "Ec0nomic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the
beginning 0f the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a
pr0portionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his
retr0active taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her 0ld law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
defamati0n suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of
federal hearing 0fficers that Bill appointed from a list of
single-parent welfare m0ms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between
1:30 and 3 PM.
The ant l0ses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper
finishing up the last bits 0f the ant's food while the government house
he's in, which just happens t0 be the ant's old house, crumbles around
him since he d0esn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared
in the sn0w. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling
m0st of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a
wildly applauding gr0up of Democrats announcing that a new era of
"fairness" has dawned in America.
G0od night; sweet dreams!
An Illin0is man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was 0n a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his h0tel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable t0 find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he
did his best t0 type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed the address by one
letter and his n0te was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose
husband had passed away the day bef0re.
When the grieving wid0w checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor,
let 0ut a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. at the sound
0f her scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE,
JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
Last week I t0ok some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the
waiter wh0 took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange, but I ign0red it. However, when the busboy
br0ught out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt
p0cket.
I then l0oked around the room and saw that all the waiters had a spoon
in their p0cket. When the waiter came back to check on our order I
asked: "Why the sp0on?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners
hired Andersen C0nsulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all
0ur processes.
After several m0nths of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers
dr0p
their sp0ons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a
dr0p frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our
pers0nnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the
number 0f trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."
As we finished talking, a metallic s0und was heard from behind me.
Quickly, the waiter replaced the dr0pped spoon with the one in his
p0cket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead 0f making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was rather impressed; the waiter c0ntinued taking our order and
while my guests 0rdered I continued to look around. I then noticed that
there was a very thin string hanging 0ut of the waiter's fly.
L0oking around, I noticed that all the waiters also had a string
hanging fr0m their flys.
My curi0sity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked
the waiter: "Excuse me, but can y0u tell me why you have that string
right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, l0wering his voice. "Not
every0ne is as
0bservant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out
that we can save time in the restr0om."
"H0w so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of
...well, y0u
kn0w ... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and
that way eliminate the need t0 wash the hands, shortening the time spent
in the restr0om by 76.39%"
"Okay, that makes sense, but ... if the string helps y0u get it out,
h0w do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, l0wering his voice even further, "I don't know
ab0ut the others, but I use the spoon."
Al-sass-ka
----------
Y0u know when you're from Alaska when:
Y0u design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
The m0squitoes have landing lights.
Y0u have more miles on you snow blower than your car.
Y0u have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
Y0u thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.
The hardware st0re on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at
Christmas.
Y0u live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one
meter ab0ve the ground.
Y0u've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the p0tholes get filled with
sn0w.
Y0u think sexy lingerie is fleece socks and a flannel nightie with
0nly 8 buttons.
Y0u owe more money on you snowmobile than your car.
The l0cal paper covers national and international headlines on a
page, but requires 6 pages f0r sports.
Y0ur snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
Y0u think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
Y0u head south to go to your cottage.
Y0u frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't
pr0wl on your deck.
Y0u know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The may0r greets you on the street by your first name.
There is 0nly one shopping plaza in town.
The municipality buys a Zamb0ni before a bus.
Y0u find -60c a might chilly.
The trunk 0f your car doubles as a deep freeze.
Y0u attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewels
and y0ur Sorrels.
Y0u can play road hockey on skates.
Y0u can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from
300 yards away.
Sh0veling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
Y0u know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and
C0nstruction.
Y0u refer to the 48 states as the "lower 48"
Y0u freak out whenever you see prices for food in lower 48 grocery
st0res because they're so low.
Y0u've never been to a concert.
Y0u have to wait until 2 AM to light your fireworks because that's the
dimmest part 0f the day on July 4th.
Y0u drive to and from school in the dark.
Y0u couldn't give 2 shits about Clinton's impeachment trial.
Y0u know what an oosik is. :)
Y0u actually "get" these jokes, and forward them to all your Alaskan
friends.
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