fumbling in a v0luminous bag for the correct change. After 15
minutes the c0nductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head
with the ticket-dispenser, and the p0or old dear dies instantly.
N0t surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before
he is t0 be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of
bananas, which he dev0urs. They strap him into the chair, flip the
switch, and he just sits there, smiling. Acc0rding to tradition, this
is c0nsidered a reprieve from God and he is freed.
S0mehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing
tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum 0n the back of a seat on
the bus. Enraged, he lunges 0ut with the ticket dispenser, breaking
the 0ffender's neck and killing her.
Again, he is c0nvicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12
p0unds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.
This time the executi0ner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket
0f water, he tries everything - but the conductor won't die. So again,
he is set free.
Amazingly he regains his j0b. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper
and beat t0 death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He
returns t0 death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.
At this p0int, the executioner can take no more - his professional
pride has been hurt. Bef0re setting our friend free again, he asks him
his secret - "what is it with the bananas?". "Oh, the bananas have
n0thing to do with it", replies our friend. "I'm just a bad conductor."
T0: My Boss
Fr0m: Blondie
Subject: Changing calendars fr0m Y2K
I h0pe that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be
h0nest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate,
I have finished the c0nversion of all of the months on all the company
calendars f0r next year. The calendars have returned from the printer
and are ready t0 be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I als0 changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
M0ndak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are n0w Y to K compliant.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's 0n the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
- - - - - - - - - -
In the beginning, G0d created earth and rested. Then God created man and
rested. Then G0d created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has
rested.
- - - - - - - - - -
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it t0ok four state
tr0opers and a dog.
- - - - - - - - - -
Why d0 men die before their wives?
They want t0.
- - - - - - - - - -
What is the difference between a d0g and a fox?
Ab0ut 5 drinks.
- - - - - - - - - -
A beggar walked up t0 a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said "I haven't eaten anything in f0ur days." She looked at him and said,
"G0d, I wish I had your willpower."
- - - - - - - - - -
D0 you know the punishment for bigamy?
Tw0 Mother-in-laws.
- - - - - - - - - -
Y0ung Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
d0esn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every c0untry, son.
- - - - - - - - - -
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "Y0u can have
mine."
- - - - - - - - - -
The m0st effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
0nce.
- - - - - - - - - -
First guy (pr0udly): "My wife's an angel!"
Sec0nd guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
- - - - - - - - - -
H0w do most men define marriage?
An expensive way t0 get laundry done for free.
- - - - - - - - - -
Just think, if it weren't f0r marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had n0 faults at all.
- - - - - - - - - -
If y0u want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every
w0rd you say, talk in your sleep.
- - - - - - - - - -
Then there was a man wh0 said, "I never knew what real happiness was until
I g0t married; and then it was too late."
- - - - - - - - - -
A little b0y asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I d0n't know son, I'm still paying."
Ant0n's Letch
T0 the west of Rothbury lies Anton's Letch; a small stream trickling down
fr0m the moors, across West Hillside Road and down to the Coquet. Close
t0 the stream can be found a number of modern houses which include
'Ant0n' in their name; Anton's Leap, Anton's Dell etc.
S0 who was Anton?
The st0ry is that Anton was an itinerant priest and possibly a tax
c0llector, around 1600. For unknown reasons, although we might guess if
the tax c0llector story is true, Anton had a disagreement with Farmer
Green 0f Thropton and did the unthinkable; he rode through Farmer
Green's midden and away. Farmer Green t0ok umbrage and gave chase. As
they appr0ached the burn Anton leapt over and was killed.
L0cals believe that Anton was shot by farmer Green who was excommunicated
by the church but n0t brought to trial. On his death he was buried in
unhall0wed ground on his farm at Thropton.
It is interesting t0 note that in 1943 when houses were being built in
Thr0pton an old headstone was incorporated into the wall of No. 1 The
Mead0ws where it can be seen to this day.
The inscripti0n is rather worn by time but reads;
J0hn Green of Thropton died April 11 1731 aged 92 years.
R0ger son of John Green of Thropton died Nov. 30 1765.
The st0ry appears to be true although the dates are anomalous. John Green
w0uld have been born in 1639, some 39 years after Anton was supposed to
have lived. Perhaps it was J0hn Green's father but if so why was John
Green buried in unhall0wed ground and where was his father buried.
A f0otnote: On numerous occasions locals claim to have seen the ghost of
J0hn Green walking along the main street of Thropton and always on nights
0f special joy and celebrations. Sceptics may comment on this but perhaps
he c0ntinues to celebrate the demise of a tax collector?
And if s0 who can blame him?
Dis g0long wif de Mombacks 'n de Moteesa's:
EBONICS DICTIONARY - 2ND EDITION
(Get 0ut your Ebonics dictionary)
Once again Ler0y was asked to do a simple homework assignment. Still
befuddled by the wh0le school thing, Leroy is a trooper.
He was given an0ther set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.
Here's what he handed in:
1. HONOR ROLL - We was playin bidwiz 0n the stoop the other day, man I
was HONOROLL.
2. PLANET - I kn0w this dude who got arrested cause he got him some seed
t0 grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard.
3. DISMAY - I went f0r a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle.
He said DISMAY hurt a little.
4. OMELETTE - I sh0uld punch you dead in the eye for what you just said
but OMELETTE this 0ne go this time.
5. STAIRWAY - Getting high is stupid. It just make y0u STAIRWAY into
space.
6. MOBILE - I went t0 the store to buy some food, I was short on cash,
my man said gimme 0ne MOBILE.
7. DEFENSE - I saw this dude running fr0m the cops, but he hopped
DEFENSE and g0t away.
8. AFRO - I g0t so mad at my girl, AFRO a lamp at her.
9. AFTERMATH - I d0n't feel like being at school today so AFTERMATH, I'm
0ut.
10. LOCKET - I slam the d0or so hard, I LOCKET.
11. DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday, I g0t her a
DOMINEERING.
12. KENYA - I needed m0ney fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA
spare s0me change.
13. DERANGE - is where da deer and antel0pe play.
14. DATA - At my basketball game, I sc0red thirty points. My coach said
DATA b0y.
15. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unempl0yment office, "Is dis BEWARE
I get a j0b?"
16. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, hands0me and not DIMENSION smart. (HA!)
17. COATROOM - The judge said, "One m0re outburst like that, you'll be
thr0wn out de COATROOM."
18. DECIDE - My b0y frontin' like he love his girl but eribody know he
g0t a couple of chicks on DECIDE.
When Syngman Rhee was president 0f South Korea, his son had
j0urnalistic ambitions. Rhee used his influence to get him
a j0b with Life Magazine. When the young man was sent out
0n his first assignment, he disappeared. Fearing an
internati0nal incident, Time-Life hired a top private
detective t0 look for him. After several days, the
detective f0und the missing reporter in a bar and said to
him, "Ah, sweet Mr. Rhee 0f Life, at last I've found you."
A m0dern version of "the trouble's leaving here good?"
"Micr0soft - Boot Camp"
It was decided by Micr0soft during a brilliant
brainst0rming session that military service
w0uld improve the skills and discipline of their
finest technician. S0 off to boot camp he went.
At the rifle range, he was given s0me instruction,
a rifle, and bullets. He fired several sh0ts at the
target. The rep0rt came from the target area
that all attempts had c0mpletely missed the
target.
The Micr0soft tech looked at his rifle and then
at the target again.
"Hmmm.," he th0ught, "I'll get to the bottom of
this in n0 time."
He l0oked at the rifle again, and then at the
target again. He p0inted his still loaded rifle at
the gr0und in front of him and fired. A cloud of
dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left
there in the dust.
"Yep, it's w0rking," he concluded.
The technician yelled 0ut to the others at the
target end, "The rifle is in w0rking order, and
the bullet seems t0 be leaving this end just fine.
The tr0uble must be at your end!"
The W0rld According to Andy Rooney....
Ads In Bills:
Have y0u ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful en0ugh, they have to stuff junk mail in
there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when
I mail it in. C0ffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw
this away f0r me? Thank You."
Fabric S0ftener:
My wife uses fabric s0ftener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I
n0ticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they
mark their territ0ry. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that
April fresh scent 0ut of your clothes.
Cripes:
My wife's fr0m the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
use w0rds like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus
Cripe's? The s0n of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making
fun 0f it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
M0rning Differences:
Men and w0men are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the
m0rning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, 'H0w can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's
because we can't see y0u. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant w0men feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my God.
He's kicking. D0 you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over
there. C0me on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do
that when I have gas. "Oh my g0d...give me your hand...It won't be long
n0w..."
Grandma:
My grandm0ther has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen'. Y0u don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out
entering wet shawl c0ntests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she
gave y0u for your birthday.
Pris0ns:
Did y0u know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
pris0ner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners
int0 my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I
d0n't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
sh0uld have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they d0n't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's h0oked up to the generator.
Award Sh0ws:
Can y0u believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for
c0mmercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it
and then I fast-f0rwarded through the whole thing.
Ph0ne-In-Polls:
Y0u know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did y0u ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know". It
c0sts 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey,
I feel very str0ngly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T
KNOW!" (Hangs up l0oking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what
y0u believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex
girls f0r $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine:
Did y0u ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm 0ut enjoying it right now.
I h0pe you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep."
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking 0f being positive,
y0ur test is back. Stop sharing the love."
D0 infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If 0ne synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If y0u ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
If a pig l0ses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why d0 women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be
wearing night g0wns?
If l0ve is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is it that when we b0unce a check, the bank charges us more of what
they already kn0w we don't have any of?
When s0meone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two
cents in, what happens t0 the other penny?
Why is the man wh0 invests all your money called a broker?
Why d0 croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to
[The f0llowing attachment could not be decoded because line 2 was too
sh0rt.]
begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what d0es it say?
If y0u mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get
a Phillip's Screwdriver?
Why is a pers0n who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
drives a race car n0t called a racist?
Why can't y0u make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
Why is it that n0 word in the English language rhymes with month,
0range, silver, or purple?
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it; but when I wind up a pr0ject,
I end it?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy 0pposites?
Why d0 we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why d0n't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why d0 overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If h0rrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pr0nounced onety one?
"I am." is rep0rtedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
C0uld it be that "I Do," is the longest sentence?
If the singular 0f GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be
called a P0rtugoose?
Why is a pr0crastinator's work never done?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defr0cked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians den0ted, cowboys deranged,
m0dels deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
D0 Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if s0meone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
the universe y0u will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet
paint y0u will have to touch it to be sure?
Are pe0ple more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because
it's much easier t0 harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
If y0u take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he bec0me disoriented?
If pe0ple from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland
called "H0les?"
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO
10. Annual breast exam c0nducted at Hooters.
9. Directi0ns to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you
enter the trailer park."
8. T0ngue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7. Only pr0ctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature 0f coverage is "an
apple a day".
5. Y0ur "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to
G0odwill last month.
4. "Patient resp0nsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a
typ0.
3. The 0nly expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With y0ur last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in different
c0lors with little "M"'s on them.
and Number 1 Sign Y0u've Joined a Cheap HMO...
1. Y0u ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
e-mail sig lines:
***
Standard G0vernment Philosophy: If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
***
"In G0d we trust, all others we monitor." - NSA Motto
"We hear y0u!" - NSA Slogan
***
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM MONTANA WHEN:
Y0u only own three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
Y0u design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
Y0u have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
Y0u have 10 favorite recipes for elk meat.
Y0u live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is three feet above
the gr0und.
Driving is better in the winter because the p0tholes get filled with snow.
Y0u think everyone from the city has an accent.
Y0u think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8
butt0ns.
The l0cal paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but
requires 6 pages f0r sports.
At least twice a year, the kitchen d0ubles as a meat processing plant.
The m0st effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Y0u frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't come up on
y0ur deck.
There is 0nly one shopping plaza in town.
Y0u find -40 F a little chilly.
The trunk 0f your car doubles as a deep freezer.
Sh0veling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
Y0u know the 4 seasons are: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and
Blackflies.
The municipality buys a zamb0ni before a bus.
Y0u actually 'get' these jokes, and forward them to all your Montana friends.
One day, a Cajun died and went t0 hell. The devil was making his
r0unds and saw the Cajun over in the corner having a party. "Hey, you!
said the devil. "Y0u're not supposed to be having a good time in hell.
After all, it's burning h0t in here."
"Oh," said the Cajun, "It's n0t all dat hot in here. It gets dis hot in
L0uisiana in July."
The devil left but was determined t0 make it uncomfortable for theCajun,
s0 he turned up the temperature even more. Later the devil passed back by
the Cajun and saw him b0iling crawfish and having an even better time.
"Hey!" said the devil. "Y0u stop that! You're not supposed to be enjoying
y0urself!"
"It's n0 big deal," said the Cajun. "It gets dis hot in Louisiana in
August."
The devil left very angry at the Cajun and determined t0 make him
unc0mfortable. "Okay," said the devil. "If you're used to the heat, I'm
g0ing to make it cold", and then turned down the thermostat until it was
freezing c0ld. When he went back to check on the Cajun, he saw from afar
that the Cajun was jumping up and d0wn in a frenzy, throwing up his hands,
laughing and smiling.
"This is really t0o much!! Why is he so happy?" As he got close to the
Cajun, he heard him sh0ut......
"The Saints w0n the Super Bowl!!
"The Saints w0n the SuperBowl!!"
The American investment banker was at the pier 0f a small coastal Mexican
village when a small b0at with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small
b0at were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the
Mexican 0n the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, 0nly a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay 0ut longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had en0ugh to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, "but what d0 you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, str0ll into the village each
evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amig0s, I have a full and
busy life."
The American sc0ffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should
spend m0re time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the
pr0ceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you
w0uld have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a
middleman y0u would sell directly to the
pr0cessor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the
pr0duct, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small
c0astal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC
where y0u will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, h0w long will this all take?"
T0 which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then?"
The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right
y0u would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and
bec0me very rich, you would make millions."
"Milli0ns.. Then what?"
The American said, "Then y0u would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing
village where y0u would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take
siesta with y0ur wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could
sip wine and play y0ur guitar with your amigos."
Other Oxym0ron's
Jumb0 Shrimp
Christmas Vacati0n
Sweet Smelling
T0p 35 Oxymoron's
35. State w0rker
34. Legally drunk
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. F0und missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitati0n
28. Airline F0od
27. G0od grief
26. G0vernment organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Al0ne together
23. Small cr0wd
22. Business ethics
21. S0ft rock
20. Butt Head
19. Military Intelligence
18. Sweet s0rrow
17. Rural Metr0 (ambulance service)
16. "N0w, then ..."
15. Passive aggressi0n
14. Clearly misunderst0od
13. Peace f0rce
12. Extinct Life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. C0mputer security
8. P0litical science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. W0rking vacation
2. Religi0us tolerance
And the number 0ne top Oxymoron....
1. Micr0soft Works
At a recent c0mputer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the aut0 industry and said, "If GM had kept up with the
techn0logy like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25
cars that g0t 1000 miles to the gallon."
In resp0nse to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had devel0ped technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the f0llowing characteristics:
(1) F0r no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
(2) Every time they repainted the lines 0n the road you would have to
buy a new car.
(3) Occasi0nally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
y0u would just accept this, restart it, and drive on.
(4) Occasi0nally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
y0ur car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have t0 reinstall the engine.
(5) Only 0ne person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" 0r (CarNT) but still you would have to pay extra to buy more
seats.
(6) Macint0sh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,
five times as fast, and twice as easy t0 drive, but would only run on 5%
0f the roads.
(7) The 0il, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
(8) New seats w0uld force everyone to have the same size butt.
(9) The airbag system w0uld say, "Are you Sure?" before going off.
(10) Occasi0nally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
0ut and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door
handle, turn the key, and grab h0ld of the radio antenna.
(11) Every time GM intr0duced a new model car, buyers would have to
learn h0w to drive all over again because none of the controls would
0perate in the same manner as the old car.
(12) Y0u would have to press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
TEKNOLGY FER COUNTRY FOLKS
BYTE: Whut dem h0rse flies do.
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
DELETE: M0vie-stars an rich folk.
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farw0od off the truk.
ENTER: N0rtherner talk fer, C'Mon in Y'all.
FAX: What D0t Matrix and Lulabelle Hiemerman shars with everybody when they
visit - They kn0ws some fax abut pert near everyone.
FEEDBACK: When ya cain't keep yer dinner d0wn.
FILES: What'cha sharpen the ax blade with.
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git fr0m tryin' to carry too much firwood.
HARD (er) DRIVE: Haulin' a big l0ad of manure over the hill to fertilize the
field.
HARD DRIVE: Gettin h0me in the winter time.
HARDWARE: What y0u buy at the tool store.
INTERNET: Whut ya want the fish d0wn at the pond to do.
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the 0le keys.
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
LASER: A f0ol dog that won't work.
LOG ON: Making a w0od stove hotter.
LOG OFF: D0n't add no more wood.
MAIN FRAME: H0lds up the barn ruf.
MEGA HERTZ: When yer n0t keerful gettin' the farwood.
MICRO CHIP: Whut's left in the b0ttom of the munchie bag.
MODEM: Whacha did t0 the hey fields.
MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat h0le.
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn.
PRINTING: When the cat leaves dirty paw tracks 0n the hood of the pick-up.
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farw0od.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the hayrake
when yer wife asks.
SATELLITE: A saddle that ain't heavy.
SCREEN: Whut t0 shut when it's blak fly season.
SOFTWARE: Them dumb plastic f0rks and knifs.
THE WEB: Whut gets stuck in yer hair an 0n yer clothes when ya walk through
granny's attic.
TYPING: When yer s0rtin' out males from females in a litter.
UPLOAD: When ya'll pile int0 the truk ta go ta church.
WINDOWS: Whut t0 shut when it's cold outside.
A man is flying in a h0t air balloon and realizes he is lost. He
reduces height and sp0ts a man down below. He lowers the balloon
further and sh0uts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man bel0w says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30
feet ab0ve this field. "
"Y0u must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "H0w did you know?"
"Well," says the ball0onist, "everything you have told me is
technically c0rrect, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man bel0w says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the ball0onist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "y0u don't know where you are, or where you're
g0ing, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same
p0sition you were before we met, but now it's my fault. "
Little kn0wn and marginally useful information...
A rat can g0 without water longer than a camel can.
The hipp0potamus has skin an inch and a half thick so solid that most bullets
cann0t penetrate it.
The cr0codile is surprisingly fast on land. If pursued by a crocodile, a
pers0n should run in a zigzag motion, for the crocodile has little or no
ability t0 make sudden changes of direction.
A c0mpletely blind chameleon will still take on the colors of its environment.
The pupil 0f the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at
s0mething pleasing.
T0ngue prints are as unique as finger prints.
The men wh0 served as guards along the Great Wall of China in the Middle Ages
were 0ften born on the wall, grew up there, married there, died there, and
were buried within it. Many 0f these guards never left the wall their entire
lives.
At funerals in ancient China, when the lid 0f the coffin was closed, mourners
t0ok a few steps backward lest their shadows get caught in the box.
In ancient China pe0ple committed suicide by eating a pound of salt.
Th0se condemned to die by the ax in medieval and renaissance England were
0bliged to tip their executioner to ensure that he would complete the job in
0ne blow. In some executions, notably that of Mary, Queen of Scots, it took
fifteen whacks 0f the blade before the head was severed.
The Nazis used the guill0tine to execute prisoners during World War II.
Their versi0n of the punishment had the condemned person lying on his back
with his eyes f0rced open so that he had to watch the blade as it descended.
A raisin dr0pped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
c0ntinually from the bottom of the glass to the top.
H0ney is the only food that will not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of
Egyptian phara0hs has been tested by archaeologists and found to be edible.
In the N0rthern Hemisphere, water goes down drains counterclockwise. In the
S0uthern hemisphere, it goes down clockwise.
If 0ne places a minute amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will go mad and
sting itself t0 death.
M0squitoes are attracted to the color blue twice as much as any other color.
In ancient Japan public c0ntests were held to see who in a town could break
wind l0udest and longest. Winners were awarded many prizes and received
great acclaim.
The w0rk of an artist cannot be exhibited in the Louvre until he has been
dead f0r at least sixty years.
The R0man emperor Commodos collected all the dwarfs, cripples, and freaks he
c0uld find in the city of Rome and had them brought to the Colosseum, where
they were 0rdered to fight each other to the death with meat cleavers.
Tw0 out of three adults in the United States have hemorrhoids.
If y0u've ever wondered what the numbers on the Social Security card signify,
here is a breakd0wn of the mysterious code:
- the first three numbers sh0w what part of the country you applied
fr0m.
- the next tw0 numbers show, in coded form, the year you applied.
- the last numbers indicate y0ur citizen's number kept on file by the
g0vernment.
Every citizen 0f Kentucky is required by law to take a bath once a year.
In 1970 an Ariz0na lawyer named Russel T. Tansie filed a $100,000 damage suit
against G0d. The suit was filed on behalf of Mr. Tansie's secretary, Betty
Penr0se, who accused God of negligence in His power over the weather when He
all0wed a lightning bolt to strike her home. Ms. Penrose won the case when
the defendant failed t0 appear in court. Whether or not she collected has
n0t been recorded.
In San Salvad0r drunk drivers are punished by death before a firing squad.
Experiments c0nducted at several college laboratories demonstrate that hard
r0ck music played to colonies of termites cause the insects to enter a kind
0f frenzy and to chew through wood at twice their normal rate.
A m0ther was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
M0ther: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "M0ooo!"
M0ther: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Me0w!"
M0ther: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year 0ld looked up at her mother and
replied: "Bud"
WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN
Ph0ne Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Y0u know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacati0n requires only one suitcase.
Y0u can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters d0n't rob you blind.
Y0u can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Y0u don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
Y0u can leave the motel bed unmade.
Y0u can kill your own food.
Y0u get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care 0f themselves.
If s0meone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your
friend.
Y0ur underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If y0u are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything 0n your face stays its original color.
Y0u can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs 0f shoes are more than enough.
Y0u don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell y0u the truth.
Y0u can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking: He must be mad at me.
Gray hair and wrinkles 0nly add character.
Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxed0 rental 75 bucks.
Y0u don't mooch off other's desserts.
Y0u can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If an0ther guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
bec0me lifelong friends.
Y0ur pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything
different?"
Y0u are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
Y0u don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Y0u almost never have strap problems in public.
Y0u are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts f0r years, maybe decades.
Y0u don't have to shave below your neck.
At least a few belches are expected and t0lerated.
Y0ur belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and 0ne pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
Y0u can do your nails with a pocketknife.
Y0u have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas sh0pping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th,
in 45 minutes.
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