(sh0rter version in humor13.txt)
1) D0n't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2) Thursday night-P0tluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3) Remember in prayer the many wh0 are sick of our church and community.
4) F0r those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery d0wnstairs.
5) The r0sebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin 0f Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6) This aftern0on there will be a meeting in the south and north
ends 0f the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7) Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream s0cial. All ladies
giving milk will please c0me early.
8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy S0ciety will meet. Mrs. Jones
will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" acc0mpanied by the pastor.
9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting 0f the Little Mothers
Club. All wishing t0 become Little Mothers, please see the
minister in his private study.
10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis t0 come
f0rward and lay an egg on the altar.
11) The service will cl0se with "Little Drops of Water." One of
the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest 0f the
c0ngregation will join.
12) Next Sunday, a special c0llection will be taken to defray the
c0st of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on
the new carpet will c0me forward and get a piece of paper.
13) The ladies 0f the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14) A bean supper will be held 0n Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music t0 follow.
15) At the evening service t0night, the sermon topic will be "What
is Hell?" C0me early and listen to our choir practice.
16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large d0uble door at the side entrance.
17) The 1991 Spring C0uncil Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
18) Past0r is on vacation. Massages can be given to church
secretary.
19) 8 new ch0ir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and t0 the deterioration of some older ones.
20) Mrs. J0hnson will be entering the hospital this week for
testes.
21) The Seni0r Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning t0 join the choir.
22) Please j0in us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is
preparing f0r the girth of their first child.
22) Sc0uts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to
be recycled. Pr0ceeds will be used to cripple children.
23) The Lutheran Men's gr0up will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed
p0tatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for
a n0minal feel.
24) The Ass0ciate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign sl0gan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."
Subject: brain flatulence
F0r those of us who have been feeling less than stellar in the brain
department this week, take heart fr0m the following inspiring words
0f wisdom:
Questi0n: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I w0uld not live forever, because we should
n0t live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we w0uld live forever, but we cannot live
f0rever, which is why I would not live forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA c0ntest
"Whenever I watch TV and see th0se poor starving kids all over
the w0rld, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny
like that, but n0t with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
"Researchers have disc0vered that chocolate produces some of
the same reacti0ns in the brain as marijuana. The researchers
als0 discovered other similarities between the two, but can't
remember what they are."
-- Matt Lauer 0n NBC's Today show, August 22
"I haven't c0mmitted a crime. What I did was fail to
c0mply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, New Y0rk City Mayor, answering
accusati0ns that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Sm0king kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
imp0rtant part of your life."
-- Br0oke Shields, during an interview to become
sp0kesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had maj0r knee surgery on any other part
0f my body."
-- Winst0n Bennett, University of Kentucky
basketball f0rward
"Outside 0f the killings, Washington has one of the
l0west crime rates in the country."
-- May0r Marion Barry, Washington, DC
"We're g0ing to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jas0n Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas
Mavericks
"I'm n0t going to have some reporters pawing through
0ur papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clint0n commenting on the release of
subp0enaed documents
"China is a big c0untry, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- F0rmer French President Charles De Gaulle
"That l0wdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to
death by a jackass, and I'm just the 0ne to do it."
-- A c0ngressional candidate in Texas
"I d0n't feel we did wrong in taking this great
c0untry away from them. There were great numbers of
pe0ple who needed new land, and the Indians were
selfishly trying t0 keep it for themselves."
-- J0hn Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't p0llution that's harming the environment.
It's the impurities in 0ur air and water that are
d0ing it."
-- F0rmer U.S Vice-President Dan Quayle (Right on,
Danny!!!)
"With0ut censorship, things can get terribly
c0nfused in the public mind."
-- General William Westm0reland
"If y0u let that sort of thing go on, your bread and
butter will be cut right 0ut from under your feet"
-- F0rmer British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I l0ve California. I practically grew up in
Ph0enix."
-- F0rmer U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle (You da
man, Danny!)
"The private enterprise system indicates that s0me
pe0ple have higher incomes than others."
--Gerry Br0wn
"It's n0 exaggeration to say that the undecideds
c0uld go one way or another."
--Ge0rge Bush, U.S. President
"I have 0pinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but
I d0n't always agree with them."
--Ge0rge Bush, U.S. President
"N0t only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with
either hand."
--Duffy Daugherty, f0otball coach and sports analyst
"We've g0t to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air d0 we need?"
--Lee Iac0cca
"Please pr0vide the date of your death."
--fr0m an IRS letter
"I was under medicati0n when I made the decision to
burn the tapes."
--Richard Nix0n, U.S. President
"I was pr0vided with additional input that was
radically different fr0m the
truth. I assisted in furthering that versi0n."
--C0lonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra
testim0ny
"We are s0rry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has
been quite unwell, 0wing to his recent death, and is
taking a sh0rt holiday to recover."
--Parish Magazine
"Men, I want y0u just thinking of one word all
seas0n. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
--Bill Peters0n, football coach
Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is
a state that is by itself. It is different fr0m the
0ther 49 states. Well, all states are different, but
it's g0t a particularly unique situation."
--Dan Quayle, US VP (y0u are my idol, Danny!)
"Be sure and put s0me of those neutrons on it."
--Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, 0rdering a salad at
a restaurant
"We are n0t without accomplishment. We have managed
t0 distribute poverty equally."
--Nguyen C0 Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
"The w0rd 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like N0rman Einstein."
--J0e Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports
analyst
"Ficti0n writing is great. You can make up almost
anything."
--Ivana Trump, up0n finishing her first novel
"I've read ab0ut foreign policy and studied -- I
kn0w the number of continents."
--Ge0rge Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign
"We d0n't necessarily discriminate. We simply
exclude certain types 0f people."
--C0lonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
"If we d0n't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Dan Quayle
"We are ready f0r an unforeseen event that may or
may n0t occur."
--Dan Quayle
"P0tatoe"
--Dan Quayle
"The r0ad of good intentions is paved with Hell."
--Spencer Ante
"Traditi0nally, most of Australia's imports come
fr0m overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
"The l0ss of life will be irreplaceable."
--Dan Quayle
"I was recently 0n a tour of Latin America, and the
0nly regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin
harder in sch0ol so I could converse with
th0se people."
--Dan Quayle
"What a waste it is t0 lose one's mind. Or not to
have a mind is being very wasteful. H0w true that
is."
--Dan Quayle
"It is w0nderful to be here in the great state of
Chicag0..."
--Dan Quayle
"The pe0ple in the Navy look on motherhood as being
c0mpatible with being a woman."
--Rear Admiral James R. H0gg
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
--Dan Quayle
"Y0ur food stamps will be stopped effective March
1992 because we received n0tice that you passed
away. May G0d bless you. You may reapply if there is
a change in y0ur circumstances."
--Department 0f Social Services, Greenville, South
Car0lina
"We ap0logize for the error in last week's paper in
which we stated that Mr. Arn0ld Dogbody was a
defective in the p0lice force. We meant, of course,
that Mr. D0gbody is a detective in the police
farce."
--C0rrection Notice in the Ely Standard, a British
newspaper
"If s0mebody has a bad heart, they can plug this
jack in at night as they g0 to bed and it will
m0nitor their heart throughout the night. And the next
m0rning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a
rec0rd."
--Mark S. F0wler, FCC Chairman
And we saved the best f0r last:
"Cauti0n: Cape does not enable user to fly."
--Batman C0stume warning label
Bl0nde Ice Fishing
A bl0nde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "t0ols"
t0gether, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After p0sitioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly, fr0m the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO
FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the bl0nde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccin0, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens,
the v0ice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The bl0nde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of
the ice, set up her st0ol, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice
came 0nce more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She st0pped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The v0ice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!"
Tips 0n love by kids age 5-10.
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Once I'm d0ne with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a
wife." (T0m, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each 0ther lies, and that
usually gets them interested en0ugh to go for a second
date." (Mike, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"Y0u should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks
t0 buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to
have vide0s of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"N0 one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something
t0 do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderant
are s0 popular." (Jan, 9)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where y0u have to run for your life."
(R0ger, 9)
"If falling in l0ve is anything like learning how to spell,
I d0n't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
"If y0u want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in
y0ur family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just h0w you look. Look at me, I'm
hands0me like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry
me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But h0w rich you are can last a long
time." (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want t0 make sure their rings don't fall off because
they paid g0od money for them." (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in fav0r of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The
Simps0ns' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"L0ve will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it.
I have been trying t0 hide from it since I was five, but the
girls keep finding me." (B0bby, 8)
"I'm n0t rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth
grade hard en0ugh." (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One 0f you should know how to write a check. Because even
if y0u have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot
0f bills." (Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"D0n't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You
might get attenti0n, but attention ain't the same thing
as l0ve." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is t0 take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's
s0mething she likes to eat. French fries usually work for
me." (Bart, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The pers0n is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I
h0pe he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend m0st of your time loving instead of going to work."
(T0m, 7)
"Be a g0od kisser. It might make your wife forget that you
never take 0ut the trash." (Randy,8)
1. LOG ON: Makin a w0od stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: D0n't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye 0n the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farw0od off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer n0t kerful gittin the far wood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git fr0m tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farw0od.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gittin h0me in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut t0 shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut t0 shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys d0.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the b0ttom of the munchiebag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did t0 the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18 KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic f0rks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: H0lds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: N0rtherner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whutya paid fer
the rifle when y0re wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat h0le.
Three s0ns left home, went out on
their 0wn and really prospered.
Getting back t0gether, they discussed
the gifts they were able t0 purchase
and give t0 their elderly mother
the previ0us month.
The first said: "I built a big h0use
f0r our mother."
The sec0nd said: "I sent her a
Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "Y0u remember how
M0m enjoys reading the Bible and now
she can't see very well? S0 I sent her
a remarkable parr0t that recites the
entire Bible. It t0ok elders in the
church 12 years t0 teach him; he's
just 0ne of a kind. Mama just has
t0 name the chapter and verse and
the parr0t recites it."
S0on thereafter, Mom sent out her
letters 0f thanks....
"Milt0n," she said, "the house you
built is s0 huge. I live only in one
r0om, but I have to clean the whole
h0use."
"Gerald," she said, "I am t0o old to
travel. I stay m0st of the time at home
s0 I rarely use the Mercedes. And that
driver is s0 rude! He's a pain!"
"And my dearest, D0nald," she said,
"the chicken was delici0us!"
An Anagram, as y0u all know, is a word or phrase made by
transp0sing or rearranging the letters of another word or
phrase. The f0llowing are exceptionally clever. Someone out there
either has way t0o much time to waste or is DEADLY at Scrabble!
When y0u re-arrange the letters:
D0rmitory Dirty Room
Evangelist Evil's Agent
Desperati0n A Rope Ends It
The M0rse Code Here Come Dots
Sl0t Machines Cash Lost in 'em
Anim0sity Is No Amity
M0ther-in-law Woman Hitler
Sn0oze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness Genuine Class
Sem0lina Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal P0int I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
Eleven plus tw0 Twelve plus one
C0ntradiction Accord not in it
And f0r the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
The Fr0g and the Engineer
--------------------------
An engineer was cr0ssing a road one day when a frog
called 0ut to him and said, "If you kiss me, I`ll
turn int0 a beautiful princess".
He bent 0ver, picked up the frog and put it in his
p0cket.
The fr0g spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me
and turn me back int0 a beautiful princess, I will
stay with y0u for one week."
The engineer t0ok the frog out of his pocket, smiled
at it and returned it t0 the pocket.
The fr0g then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me
back int0 a princess, I`ll stay with you and do ANYTHING
y0u want."
Again the engineer t0ok the frog out, smiled at it and
put it back int0 his pocket.
Finally, the fr0g asked, "What is the matter? I`ve told
y0u I`m a beautiful princess, that I`ll stay with you for
a week and d0 anything you want. Why won`t you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "L0ok I`m an engineer. I don`t have
time f0r a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that`s cool."
A new c0ntract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the
f0llowing carefully.......
I regret t0 inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able t0 serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
0verwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
reneg0tiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now
serve 0nly certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and
Calif0rnia. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer
breaks f0r milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
H0wever, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
l0cal replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side 0f the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering t0ys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is n0 danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack 0n his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These t0ys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead 0f milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC c0la and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
d0esn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by fl0ppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead 0f reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer 0ne time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. Y0u won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, y0u'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and Lab0nte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "H0, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely
t0 hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by S0uthern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Y0semite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The
last I heard it als0 had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
One is F0rd or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and
the 0ther is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth
Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas m0vie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a W0nderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, y0u'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reyn0lds as Bubba Claus and dozens of
state patr0l cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus d0esn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the 0ther way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
9. And finally, l0vely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
Rud0lph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming
t0 Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM
radi0 stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's
"Bubba Claus Sh0t the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a
Reindeer."
Sincerely Y0urs,
Santa Clause
(Member 0f North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
Characteristics 0f an engineer
Q: What is the definiti0n of an engineer?
A: S0meone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you
d0n't understand.
Q: When d0es a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he d0esn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
Q: What d0 engineers use for birth control?
A: Their pers0nalities.
Q: H0w can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks t0 you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
Q: Why did the engineers cr0ss the road?
A: Because they l0oked in the file and that's what they did last
year.
Q: H0w do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him t0 a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map
the wr0ng way.
Y0u might be an engineer if...
...ch0osing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a
m0ral dilemma.
...y0u take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
...in c0llege you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
...the sales pe0ple at the local computer store can't answer any of your
questi0ns.
...at an air sh0w you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
...y0u comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
...y0u have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
...y0u see a good design and still have to change it.
...y0u spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
...y0u still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
...y0u window shop at Radio Shack.
...y0ur laptop computer costs more than your car.
...y0ur wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
...y0u've tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
T0p 50 Oxymorons
50. Act naturally
49. F0und missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitati0n
45. Airline F0od
44. G0od grief
43. Same difference
42. Alm0st exactly
41. G0vernment organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Al0ne together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashi0n
35. Living dead
34. Small cr0wd
33. Business ethics
32. S0ft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. S0ftware documentation
28. New Y0rk culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet s0rrow
25. Childpr0of
24. "N0w, then..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggressi0n
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderst0od
18. Peace f0rce
17. Extinct Life
16. Temp0rary tax increase
15. C0mputer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. C0mputer security
11. P0litical science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-0unce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. W0rking vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religi0us tolerance
And the Number 0ne top Oxy-Moron:
1. Micr0soft Works
There are s0me VERY bizarre facts in this list...Facts you may not
have kn0wn...
The average ch0colate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
A rhin0ceros horn is made of compacted hair.
The sh0rtest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896.
Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A p0lar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
Elvis had a twin br0ther named Garon, who died at birth, which is why
Elvis' middle name was spelled Ar0n; in honour of his brother.
Duelling is legal in Paraguay as l0ng as both parties are registered
bl0od donors.
D0nald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
M0re people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane
crashes.
Stewardesses is the l0ngest word typed with only the left hand.
Shakespeare invented the w0rd "assassination" and "bump."
Marilyn M0nroe had six toes.
If y0u keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
W0men blink nearly twice as much as men.
Right handed pe0ple live, on average, nine years longer than left handed
pe0ple do.
The sentence "the quick br0wn fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
letter in the English language.
The name 0f all the continents end with the same letter that they
start with.
The w0rd "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember
the w0rd you want.
TYPEWRITER, is the l0ngest word that can be made using the letters on
0nly one row of the keyboard.
If the p0pulation of China walked past you in single file, the line
w0uld never end because of the rate of reproduction.
The w0rd racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to
right 0r right to left.
A snail can sleep f0r 3 years.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 0ne olive from
each salad served in first-class.
China has m0re English speakers than the United States.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Did y0u know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other
pe0ple in the world.
I am." is the sh0rtest complete sentence in the English language.
The l0ngest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it
refers t0 a distinct part of DNA.
Cats have 0ver one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
Our eyes are always the same size fr0m birth, but our nose and ears
never st0p growing.
In every epis0de of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
If Barbie were life-size her measurements w0uld be 39-23-33. She
w0uld stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length
0f
a n0rmal human's neck.
Feb 1865 is the 0nly month in recorded history not to have a full
m0on.
The Pentag0n, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as
is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state 0f Virginia
still had segregati0n laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks
and whites.
N0 word in the English language rhymes with month.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, m0ves only six inches for each
gall0n of diesel that it burns.
There are tw0 credit cards for every person in the United States.
Cat's urine gl0ws under a black light.
Le0nardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
In the last 4000 years, n0 new animals have been domesticated.
Babies are b0rn without knee caps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2-6 years 0f age.
Nutmeg is extremely p0isonous if injected intravenously.
The m0st common name in the world is Mohammed.
Michael J0rdan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the
Nike fact0ry workers in Malaysia combined.
One 0f the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton
gr0wers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as
c0mpetition.
Only 0ne person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The name Wendy was made up f0r the book "Peter Pan."
If y0u yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
pr0duced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If y0u fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
pr0duced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates en0ugh pressure when it pumps out to the body
t0 squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging y0ur head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and d0lphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average, pe0ple fear spiders more than they do death.
The str0ngest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
It's imp0ssible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Y0u can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans 0n the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time y0u lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Y0u know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork
than by a p0isonous spider
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair fr0m their bodies,
including their eyebr0ws and eyelashes.
A cr0codile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant always falls 0ver on its right side when intoxicated.
P0lar bears are left-handed.
The catfish has 0ver 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank
N0.1 for animal having the most taste buds.
A c0ckroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves
t0 death.
The male praying mantis cann0t copulate while its head is attached to
its b0dy. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
S0me lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the 0nly animals that can't jump.
An 0strich's eye is bigger than its brain.Starfish haven't got
brains.
A pig's 0rgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
Evidence has been f0und that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
H0wever, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus
we'll never kn0w for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed int0 the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm
shrinking!" The d0ctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have
t0 be a little patient."
A marine bi0logist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that
c0uld live forever if they were fed a steady diet of young seagulls. One day
his supply 0f the hatchlings ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.
On the way back, he spied tw0 lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them,
he gingerly stepped 0ver them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
transp0rting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
A skeptical anthr0pologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with
the assistance 0f a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure f0r any case of constipation. When the
anthr0pologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and
said, "Let me tell y0u, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch C0mpany of Massachusetts wanted to produce
0ther products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches,
decided t0 market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out
that alth0ugh their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so
bad that pe0ple often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, 0f course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is
l0st!"
A thief br0ke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory
equipment. A sp0kesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing
t0 go on."
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, s0 he summoned the medicine man. After
a brief examinati0n, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide
and gave it t0 the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one
inch 0f the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to
see h0w the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged ands aid, "The thong is
ended, but the malady lingers 0n."
A fam0us Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing fr0m the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local
civic 0fficial who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off
my census."
There were three Indian squaws. One slept 0n a deer skin. One slept on an elk
skin and the third slept 0n a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant
and the first tw0 each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus
skin had twin b0ys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is
equal t0 the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Once up0n a time in England, a very mean witch was terrorizing the
l0cal population, who finally went to see a wizard to see what
c0uld be done about her. The wizard gave them a potion that
w0uld turn the witch into a statue. The townspeople managed to
put the p0tion in the witch's food. When she found out about this,
the witch turned green with rage, but it was t0o late and the potion
w0rked as expected. The jubilant population had a big celebration
and parade, and placed the petrified witch in a park as a public
example. Pretty s0on people discovered that the witch had been
fr0zen in a position that made her a perfect sundial and started
using her t0 tell the time of day. The custom grew, and even
t0day, people often refer to Mean Green Witch Time.
Tw0 elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see 0ver the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an
intersecti0n. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The w0man in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it,
I c0uld have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few m0re minutes they came to another intersection and the
light was red again and again they went right th0ugh. This time the woman in
the passenger seat was alm0st sure that the light had been red but was
really c0ncerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided
t0 pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see
what was g0ing on.
At the next intersecti0n, sure enough, the light was definitely red
and they went right thr0ugh and she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did y0u know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could
have killed us!"
Mildred turned t0 her and said "Oh, am I driving?"
RED-NECK LOVE POEM
C0llards is green,
my d0g's name is Blue
and I'm s0 lucky
t0 have a sweet thang like you.
Y0re hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
S0fter than Blue's
and with0ut all them fleas.
Y0u move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
Y0u ain't got no scales
but I luv y0u anyway.
Y0're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Y0're as fragrant as "snuff"
right 0ut of the can.
Y0u have some'a yore teeth,
f0r which I am proud;
I h0ld my head high
when we're in a cr0wd.
On special 0ccasions,
when y0u shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by y0re charms.
Still them fellers at w0rk,
they all want t0 know,
what I did t0 deserve
such a purdy, y0ung doe.
Like a g0od roll of duct tape,
y0're there fer yore man,
t0 patch up life's troubles
and fix what y0u can.
Y0're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' 0verhead.
Y0u ain't mean like those far ants
I f0und in my bed.
Cut fr0m the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
y0u spark up my life
m0re than a fresh load of dirt.
When y0u hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is c0mplete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Y0re complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
y0re age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' y0u's like a Moon Pie
with a RC c0ld drank,
we g0 together
like a skunk g0es with stank.
S0me men, they buy chocolate
f0r Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's r0mantic that way.
S0me men git roses
0n that special day
fr0m the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
S0me men buy fine diamonds
fr0m a flea market booth.
"Diam0nds are forever,"
they explain, suave and c0uth.
But f0r this man, honey,
these w0n't do.
Cause y0're too special,
y0u sweet thang you.
I g0t you a gift,
with0ut taste nor odor,
m0re useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!!
DR. SUESS EXPLAINS COMPUTER TECHNOLOGIES:
IF A PACKET HITS A POCKET ON A SOCKET ON A PORT,
AND THE BUS IS INTERRUPTED AS A VERY LAST RESORT,
AND THE ADDRESS OF THE MEMORY MAKES YOUR FLOPPY DISK ABORT, THEN THE
SOCKET PACKET POCKET HAS AN ERROR TO REPORT.
IF YOUR CURSOR FINDS A MENU ITEM FOLLOWED BY A DASH,
AND THE DOUBLE-CLICKING ICON PUTS YOUR WINDOW IN THE TRASH,
AND YOUR DATA IS CORRUPTED 'CAUSE THE INDEX DOESN'T HASH,
THEN YOUR SITUATION'S HOPELESS AND YOUR SYSTEM'S GONNA CRASH!
IF THE LABLE ON THE CABLE ON THE TABLE AT YOUR HOUSE,
SAYS THE NETWORK IS CONNECTED TO THE BUTTON ON YOUR MOUSE,
BUT YOUR PACKETS WANT TO TUNNEL ON ANOTHER PROTOCOL,
THAT'S REPEATEDLY REJECTED BY THE PRINTER DOWN THE HALL,
AND YOUR SCREEN IS ALL DISTORTED BY THE SIDE EFFECTS OF GAUSS,
SO YOU MAY AS WELL REBOOT AND GO OUT WITH A BANG,
'CAUSE AS SURE AS I'M A POET, THE SUCKER'S GONNA HANG!
WHEN THE COPY OF YOUR FLOPPY'S GETTING SLOPPY ON THE DISK,
AND THE MICROCODE INSTRUCTIONS CAUSE UNNECESSARY RISK,
THEN YOU HAVE TO FLASH YOUR MEMORY,
AND YOU'LL WANT TO RAM YOUR ROM.
QUICKLY TURN OFF THE COMPUTER
AND BE SURE TO TELL YOUR MUM.
This t0ld by a British telephone testboard technician to an American
technician during the wee h0urs one night:
N0ah had been floating about on the great flood for entirely too many of
th0se forty days and forty nights and the decks were getting a bit
slippery. He gathered the crew and assigned areas 0f the great Ark for
each 0f them to clean of the vast animal droppings. He directed the crew
t0 remove all of the offensive matter to a spot on the deck, downwind of the
crew quarters as had been the cust0m on sailing ships for all time.
After the exhausted crew finished the j0b, there was a significant mound
accumulated 0n deck. Upon signal, Noah had the crew shove it all overboard
in 0ne great lump.
It wasn't until 1492 that C0lumbus found it.
Once up0n a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel f0und him, resting on the seventh day. He
inquired 0f God, "Where have you been?"
G0d sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through
the cl0uds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael l0oked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied G0d, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's g0ing to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still c0nfused. God explained, pointing to
different parts 0f Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great
0pportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle
East 0ver there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white
pe0ple and over there is a continent of black people,"
G0d continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely
h0t and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by G0ds work, then pointed to a large land mass in
the t0p corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said G0d. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's
beautiful m0untains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The
pe0ple from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're
g0ing to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable,
hard-w0rking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as
dipl0mats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human,
undefeatable ice h0ckey players who will be admired and feared by all who come
acr0ss them."
Michael gasped in w0nder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about
balance, G0d? You said there will be BALANCE!"
G0d replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting
next t0 them."
Three little 0ld ladies who were sitting on a park bench, when a flasher
came by and exp0sed himself. The first little old lady had a stroke.
The sec0nd little old lady had a stroke. The third little old lady
c0uldn't reach it.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM KODIAK WHEN.......
y0u think a man in clean sweatpants is lookin' mighty dressed up
y0u know at least three hit songs from Camp Woody
y0u are familiar with Art Zimmer's letters to the editor
y0u or someone you know have been clients at Safe Harbor
y0u know what the Captains Keg, Waldos, the Montmartre, Kodiak Pizza,
and Krafts were
y0u or someone you know wears an "I hate seagulls" hat with a "It's
n0t the end of the world but you can see it from here, Kodiak Alaska" shirt
y0u know who Rusty is at the Orpheum and he's taken your money from
behind the wind0w for at least 20 years
y0u know what a "three B" theatre is
(be g0od, be quiet or be gone, thanks orpheum)
y0u've dated at least five fishermen
y0u're used to seeing movies one year after their release
y0u've been on a buoy swing
y0u've worked as a commercial fisher
y0u think crab pots are a nice addition to anyone's front yard
y0u know what it means to "meccanize"
if y0u're a woman who goes to the lower 48, you are shocked to find
y0u must buy your own drinks
y0u think the phrases "in kodiak you dont lose your woman, you just
l0se your turn" and that regarding the men "the odds are good but the
g0ods are odd" are almost holy words
y0u could be the mecca band because you know all of the words to their
s0ngs
"funky c0ld medina" and "short dicked man" are two of your favorite
dance s0ngs
y0u've been in the Crab Festival parade
y0u know what "dog on a stick" means
y0u know "the smell of money"
y0u know bio-dry is not a deoderant
y0u or someone you know has been a "Crab Festival Queen"
y0u've been to a pallet party
y0u think Rainier ice is a fancy beer
y0u have vacationed on Shuyak
y0u remember when the credit union used to be a Dairy Queen
y0u know what "the Y" is
y0u've dated a man with a monster or jacked up truck
sn0w in may is normal
50 degrees is swim suit weather
"We, the sensible pe0ple of the United States, in an attempt to help
every0ne get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more
ri0ts, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the
blessing 0f debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-grand
children, hereby try 0ne more time to ordain and establish some common
sense guidelines f0r the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and
0ther liberal, bed wetters.
We h0ld these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are
c0nfused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill
0f NO RIGHTS.
Article I: Y0u do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or
any 0ther form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire
them, but n0 one is guaranteeing anything.
Article II: Y0u do not have the right to never be offended. This
c0untry is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not
just y0u! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
0pinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will
be.
Article III: Y0u do not have the right to be free from harm. If you
stick a screwdriver in y0ur eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect
the t0ol manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently
wealthy.
Article IV: Y0u do not have the right to free food and housing.
Americans are the m0st charitable people to be found, and will gladly
help any0ne in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing
generati0n after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve
n0thing more than the creation of another generation of professional
c0uch potatoes.
Article V: Y0u do not have the right to free health care. That would
be nice, but fr0m the looks of public housing, we're just not interested
in public health care.
Article VI: Y0u do not have the right to physically harm other people.
If y0u kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be
surprised if the rest 0f us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
Article VII: Y0u do not have the right to the possessions of others.
If y0u rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other
citizens, d0n't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you
away in a place where y0u still won't have the right to a big screen
c0lor TV or a life of leisure.
Article VIII: Y0u don't have the right to demand that our children risk
their lives in f0reign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate
0ppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going
t0 fight if you like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire
w0rld and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and
every little tyrant with a military unif0rm and and a funny hat.
Article IX: Y0u don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all
0f you to have one, and will gladly help you along in the hard times,
but we expect y0u to take advantage of the opportunities of education
and v0cational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
Article X: Y0u do not have the right to happiness. Being an American
means that y0u have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is
a l0t easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws
created by th0se of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
If y0u agree, we strongly urge you to forward this to as many people as
y0u can, No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you
sh0uld you not forward it. We just think it is about time common sense
is all0wed to flourish - call it the age of reason revisited.
Thank Y0u!
Tw0 engineering students were biking across campus when one said,
"Where did y0u get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well,
I was walking al0ng yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful
w0man rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off
all her cl0thes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded
appr0vingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
**********************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better t0 spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
enj0yed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relati0nship.
The artist said he enj0yed time with his mistress, because of the passion
and mystery he f0und there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?"
ech0ed the artist and architect. Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a
mistress, they will each assume y0u are spending time with the other woman,
and y0u can go to the plant and get some work done."
***********************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weap0ns, Civil Engineers build targets.
*********************
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why d0es it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree ask, "H0w does it work?"
The graduate with an Acc0unting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "D0 you want fries with that?"
*******************
T0 the optimist, the glass is half full.
T0 the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
T0 the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
******************
Signs
In a restr0om at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign
directly ab0ve the sink. It had a single word on it "THINK!"
The next day, a sign appeared ab0ve the sink. It read "THOAP!"
Dear C0nsumers:
It has c0me to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 98 SUTHERN
EDITION may have accidentally been shipped 0utside the South. If you
have 0ne of these, you may need some help understanding the commands.
The s0uthern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen.
It reads "WINDERS 98" with a backgr0und picture of General Robert E. Lee
superimp0sed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of
Hazards screen saver.
Als0 note:
a. The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outh0use"
b. My C0mputer is called "This Dern Contraption"
c. Dial up Netw0rking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
d. C0ntrol Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
e. Hard Drive is referred t0 as "4 Wheel Drive"
f. Fl0ppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
g. Instead 0f an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SUTHERN EDITION:
a. OK: ats aw-right
b. Cancel: piss 0n it
c. Reset: try er agin
d. Yes: yep
e. N0: noop
f. Find: hunt fer it
g. G0 to: over yonder
h. Back: back y0nder
i. Help: hep me 0ut here
j. St0p: kwitit
k. Start: crank er up
l. Settings: sittins
m. Pr0grams: stuff at duz stuff
n. D0cuments: stuff ah done did
Als0 note that SUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or
punctuati0n marks.
S0me programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:
a. tiperiter: A w0rd processing program
b. c0lerin book: a graphics program
c. cyferin mersheen: calculat0r
d. 0uthouse paper: notepad
e. jukeb0x: CD Player
f. iner-net: Micr0soft Explorer 4.0
g. pichers: A graphics viewer
h. irs: MS acc0unting software
i. irs2: MS acc0unting software with hidden files
j. tax rec0rds: usually an empty file
k. c0on dog: American kennel club records
Y0u'll recognize WINDERS 98 SUTHERN EDITION as it comes preloaded with
certain "Fav0rites" for browsing the Worldwide Web:
a. Fishin': Bass Anglers Sp0rtsman Society
b. NRA: Nati0nal Rifle Association
c. Sh0tgun: Remington Arms home page
d. Riffel: Winchester h0me page
e. Pisstul: Smith & Wess0n home page
f. Truck: F0rd & Chevy dealers by zip code
g. H0use: Mobile home repair services & movers by zip code
h. Cuzzins: C0mplete database of southern residents
(extremely l0ng download time)
i. Bud: List 0f Budweiser distributors by zip code
j. Rasin: NASCAR racing schedule with TV stati0ns that carry the race
k. Car'n'truck parts: Junk yards by zip c0de
l. d0c: veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inc0nvenience it may have caused if you received a copy
0f the SUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement
versi0n.
I h0pe this heps y'all out!
Billy B0b Gates
Head H0ncho, MS Sutherin Division
The f0llowing is a letter from Management:
T0 assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from
empl0yees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
thr0ugh our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(S.H.I.T.). We are trying t0 give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone
else. If y0u feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the
j0b, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the
t0p of the S.H.I.T. LIST, as our managers are especially skilled at
seeing that y0u get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Empl0yees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in
DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS
(D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Th0se who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously
will have t0 go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.
S.H.I.T.). Since 0ur managers took S.H.I.T. before they were
pr0moted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of
S.H.I.T. already. If y0u are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in
a j0b training others. We can add your name to our BASIC
UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Th0se who
are full 0f B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply
f0r promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING
(D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
If y0u have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank y0u, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
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