Expl0rer 4.0 package which uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis
Maledictis" fr0m Mozart's Requiem.
"Where d0 you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen. Meanwhile,
the ch0rus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis," which may
answer the questi0n for some. It translates as,
"The damned and accursed are c0nvicted to flames of hell."
H0w cold is it?
An ann0tated thermometer
50 - Miami residents turn 0n the heat
40 - Calif0rnians shiver uncontrollably
Wisc0nsinites go swimming
35 - Italian cars d0n't start
32 - Water freezes
30 - Y0u can see your breath
Y0u plan your vacation to Australia
Wisc0nsinites put on T-shirts
P0liticians begin to worry about the homeless
25 - B0ston water freezes
Calif0rnians weep pitiably
Wisc0nsinites eat ice cream
Canadians g0 swimming
Cat insists 0n sleeping on your bed with you
20 - Y0u can hear your breath
P0liticians begin to talk about the homeless
New Y0rk City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacati0n further South
15 - Y0u plan a vacation in Mexico
Cat insists 0n sleeping in your bed with you
10 - T0o cold to snow
Y0u need jumper cables to get the car going
5 - Y0u plan your vacation in Houston
0 - American cars d0n't start
Alaskans put 0n T-shirts
T0o cold to skate
-15 - Y0u can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Wisc0nsinites' stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease t0 exist
-20 - Cat insists 0n sleeping in your pajamas with you
P0liticians actually do something about the homeless
Wisc0nsinites shovel snow off roof
-25 - T0o cold to think
Y0u need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 - Y0u plan a two week hot bath
Japanese cars d0n't start
-40 - Calif0rnians disappear
Wisc0nsinites button top button
Canadians put 0n sweaters
Y0ur car helps you plan your trip South
-50 - C0ngressional hot air freezes
Alaskans cl0se the bathroom window
-80 - Hell freezes 0ver
P0lar bears move south
Why c0ffee is better than women..
1. C0ffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to
have s0me.
2. Y0u won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.
3. INSTANT COFFEE!
4. C0ffee never runs out.
5. N0 matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of
c0ffee.
6. Y0u can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
7. When c0ffee gets old, you can throw it away.
8. C0ffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
9. Y0ur coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.
10. C0ffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.
11. C0ffee doesn't mind when you just want a "quick" cup.
12. C0ffee goes down easier.
13. C0ffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on
it.
14. Y0u can always heat up coffee.
15. Y0u won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
16. Y0u can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream
in it.
17. C0ffee smells and looks good in the morning.
18. If y0u put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on
weight.
19. C0ffee is cheap
20. Tw0 words: coffee bar!
Chr0nological Lessons of Life (fwd)]
Less0ns From a Long Life
Age 7 - I've learned that y0u can't hide broccoli in a glass of milk.
Age 8 - I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing
"Silent Night."
Age 9 - I've learned that when I wave t0 people in the country, they stop
what they are d0ing and wave back.
Age 12 - I've learned that if y0u want to cheer yourself up, you should try
cheering s0meone else up.
Age 13 - I've learned that just when I get my r0om the way I like it, Mom
makes me clean it up.
Age 15 - I've learned that alth0ugh it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad
my parents are strict with me.
Age 24 - I've learned that silent c0mpany is often more healing than words
0f advice.
Age 26 - I've learned that brushing my child's hair is 0ne of life's great
pleasures.
Age 29 - I've learned that wherever I g0, the world's worst drivers have
f0llowed me there.
Age 39 - I've learned that if s0meone says something unkind about me, I must
live s0 that no one will believe it.
Age 41 - I've learned that there are pe0ple who love you dearly but just
d0n't know how to show it.
Age 44 - I've learned that y0u can make someone's day by simply sending them
a little card.
Age 46 - I've learned that the greater a pers0n's sense of guilt, the
greater his need t0 cast blame on others.
Age 47 - I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 49 - I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits f0r
h0urs.
Age 50 - I've learned that m0tel mattresses are better on the side away from
the ph0ne.
Age 52 - I've learned that y0u can tell a lot about a man by the way he
handles these three things: a rainy day, l0st luggage, and tangled Christmas
tree lights.
Age 53 - I've learned that regardless 0f your relationship with your
parents, y0u miss them terribly after they die.
Age 58 - I've learned that making a living is n0t the same thing as making a
life.
Age 61 - I've learned that if y0u want to do something positive for your
children, try t0 improve your marriage.
Age 62 - I've learned that life s0metimes gives you a second chance.
Age 64 - I've learned that y0u shouldn't go through life with a catcher's
mitt 0n both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 65 - I've learned that if y0u pursue happiness, it will elude you. But
if y0u focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new
pe0ple, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 66 - I've learned that whenever I decide s0mething with kindness, I
usually make the right decisi0n.
Age 72 - I've learned that every0ne can use a prayer.
Age 73 - I've learned that it pays t0 believe in miracles. And to tell the
truth, I've seen several.
Age 82 - I've learned that even when I have pains, I d0n't have to be one.
Age 85 - I've learned that every day y0u should reach out and touch someone.
Pe0ple love that human touch: holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat at on the back.
Age 92 - I've learned that I still have a l0t to learn.
Have Bible Will Travel
There was this Christian lady that had t0 do a lot of traveling for her
business s0 she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she
always t0ok her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One
time she was sitting next t0 a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he
gave a little chuckle and went back t0 what he was doing.
After awhile he turned t0 her and asked "You don't really believe all that
stuff in there d0 you?"
The lady replied "Of c0urse I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what ab0ut that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied "Oh, J0nah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked "Well, h0w do you suppose he survived all that time inside the
whale?"
The lady said "Well I d0n't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I
will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then y0u can ask him." replied the lady.
D0n't worry - be crabby!
The j0urney of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.
I believe f0r every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a
f0undation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
F0llow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your
underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time t0 stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll
inhale a bee.
D0 not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may n0t follow. Do not walk beside me, either, Just leave me alone.
If y0u don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road.
That's why the highway department made s0 many of them.
If a m0torist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the
message acr0ss like a good mooning.
When I'm feeling d0wn, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run
t0 the end of his chain and gag himself.
It's always darkest bef0re dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time t0 do it.
A handy teleph0ne tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way,
when a salesman calls, y0u can hold the receiver up to it and run your
fingernails acr0ss it until he hangs up.
Each day I try t0 enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the
b0nbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the
"whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinf0il-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
Try a little kindness. As little as p0ssible.
Int0 every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are
d0wn.
Ah, the thrill 0f modern dance! The sweeping musical majesty, the joy of
p0etic motion, the challenge of stuffing a dollar bill into a bouncing
bikini brief...
H0w much of a tip to leave in a restaurant is always a controversial
questi0n. I usually recommend half a crouton, or for special service, throw
in that little sprig 0f parsley.
Just remember... Y0u gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the
neighb0r's car!
When y0u find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that
all men are br0thers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
If genius is 0ne percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up
sharing elevat0rs with a lot of bright people.
W0men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones
already there resent it.
I l0ve playing cards with children. They can't tell you're dealing off the
b0ttom of the deck.
This m0rning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.
That's the price y0u pay for letting the relatives stay over.
They say y0u can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their
sh0es. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kinda foot disease, I
d0n't wanna know 'em!
Remember: y0u can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of
c0urse, how you spend your leisure time is your business.
A man's best friend is his d0g. That's assuming you want a friend who
messes 0n your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
If I w0n the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately
quit their j0bs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two
first.
Winning isn't everything. Winning and gl0ating and rubbing their noses in
it... that's everything!
Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.
Last night I was in the m0od to see something silly and idiotic on TV. So I
put the cat there.
I d0n't know about art, but I know what makes me say, "$2000 for that
piece 0f junk?! Are you nuts?!"
Pe0ple who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano
d0ing gorilla impersonations.
A r0se by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much
bl0od when you grab a thorn.
If I wanted t0 hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my
cat.
Strangers are friends y0u haven't bled for an easy twenty yet.
It takes fewer muscles t0 smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore
s0meone completely.
S0mewhere, over the rainbow... that's where the airline will find my
luggage.
The best laid plans 0f mice and men are worth just as much.
I believe n0 problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on
s0mebody else.
It's a small w0rld. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Keep y0ur nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's
cheaper than plastic surgery.
This land is y0ur land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
L0ve is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off,
and when it isn't... y0u can't wait to throw up.
I've f0und a sure way to relieve office stress:
Step 1: take a deep breath
Step 2: c0unt to 10.
Step 3: set the b0ss's wastebasket on fire.
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct resp0nse
t0 accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft
C0rporation announced today that it will be acquiring the federal
g0vernment of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a l0gical extension of our planned growth", said
Micr0soft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a
p0sitive arrangement for everyone".
Micr0soft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the
White H0use with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured
members 0f the press that changes will be "minimal". The United
States will be managed as a wh0lly owned division of Microsoft
An initial public 0ffering is planned for July of next year, and the
federal g0vernment is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest",
acc0rding to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related ann0uncement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly
and enthusiastically" accepted a p0sition as a vice president with
Micr0soft, and will continue to manage the United States government,
rep0rting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the
mantle 0f executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to
it as "a relief". He went 0n to say that Gates has a "proven track record",
and that U.S. citizens sh0uld offer Gates their "full support and
c0nfidence".
Clint0n will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he
has earned as U.S. president, in his new r0le at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggesti0n that the U.S. Capitol be moved to
Redm0nd as "silly", though did say that he would make executive
decisi0ns for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft
headquarters.
Gates went 0n to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be
ab0lished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look
h0w well we're doing".
When asked if the rum0red attendant acquisition of Canada was
pr0ceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking
place".
Micr0soft representatives closed the conference by stating that
United States citizens will be able t0 expect lower taxes, increases
in g0vernment services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
Ab0ut Microsoft
F0unded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide
leader in s0ftware for personal computers, and democratic government. The
c0mpany offers a wide range of products and services for public, business
and pers0nal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and
m0re enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal
c0mputing and free society every day.
Ab0ut the United States
F0unded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful
nati0n in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy
and 0pportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C.,
the United States is a wh0lly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
G0rdon Hughes, a typical Windows 95 user said "95 refers to the number of
times y0u have to re-install it to recover from a Windows crash, so
requiring all Federal empl0yees to use it will fulfill a dream of all U. S.
citizens. As President Harry Truman said when asked h0w many government
empl0yees worked in Washington DC: only 5% do and God help us if more of
them did."
One day a fisherman was lying 0n a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole
pr0pped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling
blue surf. He was enj0ying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the
pr0spect of catching a fish.
Ab0ut that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to
relieve s0me of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting
0n the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead
0f working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"Y0u aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the
fisherman, "y0u should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman l0oked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what
will my reward be?"
"Well, y0u can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's
answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "Y0u will make money and you'll be able to buy a
b0at, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning t0 get a little irritated with the
fisherman's questi0ns. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to
w0rk for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting m0re angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and sh0uted at the fisherman, "Don't you
understand that y0u can become so rich that you will never have to work for
y0ur living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this
beach, l0oking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, l0oked up and said, "And what do you think
I'm d0ing right now?
When the preacher's car br0ke down on a country road, he walked to a nearby
r0adhouse to use the phone. After calling for a tow truck, he spotted his
0ld friend, Frank, drunk and shabbily dressed, at the bar.
"What happened t0 you, Frank?" asked the good reverend. "You used to be
rich."
Frank t0ld a sad tale of bad investments that had led to his downfall. "Go
h0me," the preacher said. "Open your Bible at random, stick your finger on
the page, and there will be G0d's answer."
S0me time later, the preacher bumped into Frank, who was wearing a Gucci
suit, sp0rting a Rolex watch, and had just stepped out of a Mercedes.
"Frank," said the preacher, "I am glad t0 see things have really turned
ar0und for you."
"Yes, preacher, and I 0we it all to you," said Frank. "I opened my Bible,
put my finger d0wn on the page and there was the answer....Chapter 11."
The carpenter I hired t0 help me restore an old farmhouse had just
finished a r0ugh first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour
0f work, his electric saw quit and now his ancient pickup truck refused to
start. While I dr0ve him home, he sat in stony silence.
On arriving, he invited me in t0 meet his family. As we walked toward
the fr0nt door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of
the branches with b0th hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing
transf0rmation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his
tw0 small children and gave his wife a kiss.
Afterward he walked me t0 the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity
g0t the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
"Oh, that's my tr0uble tree", he replied. "I know I can't help having
tr0ubles on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don't belong in the
h0use with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree
every night when I c0me home. Then in the morning I pick them up again."
"Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I c0me out in the morning to pick em up,
there ain't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night bef0re".
A c0p pulls over a Mercedes 600 loaded with nuns....
C0p: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a l0t of signs that said 22, not 65."
C0p: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the number of the highway you're on!
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks f0r letting me know. I'll be more careful.
At this p0int the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
C0p: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."
Sister: "Oh, we just g0t off of highway 149."
Why G0d never received Tenure at any University!
He had 0nly one major publication - it was in Hebrew
It had n0 references - It wasn't published in an academic journal
S0me doubt he wrote it himself.
He may have created the w0rld, but what has he done since?
Scientists cann0t replicate his results.
He never received permissi0n from the ethics boards to use human
subjects.
When his first expirement went awry, he c0vered it up with a lot of
water.
He rarely came t0 class and told students, "just read the book".
S0me say his son taught class - he expelled his first 2 students.
His 0ffice hours were irregular and sometimes held class on a
m0untaintop.
Alth0ugh there were only 10 requirements, most students fail.
Subject: COMPUTERS
Actual dial0g of a fired WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
C0mputer Assistant: "May I help you?"
USER: "Yes, well, I'm having tr0uble with WordPerfect."
CA: "What s0rt of trouble?"
USER: "Well, I was just typing al0ng, and all of a sudden the
w0rds went away.",
CA: "Went away?"
USER: "They disappeared."
CA: "Hmm. S0 what does your screen look like now?"
USER: "N0thing."
CA: "N0thing?"
USER: "It's blank; it w0n't accept anything when I type."
CA: "Are y0u still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
USER: "H0w do I tell?"
CA: "Can y0u see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
USER: "What's a sea-pr0mpt?"
CA: "Never mind. Can y0u move the cursor around on the screen?"
USER: "There isn't any curs0r: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."
CA: "D0es your monitor have a power indicator?"
USER: "What's a m0nitor?"
CA: "It's the thing with the screen 0n it that looks like a TV.
D0es it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
USER: "I d0n't know."
CA: "Well, then l0ok on the back of the monitor and find where the
p0wer cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
USER: ......"Yes, I think s0."
CA: "Great! F0llow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it plugged into the
wall."
USER: ......"Yes, it is."
CA: "When y0u were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were tw0 cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
USER: "N0."
CA: "Well, there are. I need y0u to look back there again and find
the 0ther cable."
USER: ......"Okay, here it is."
CA: "F0llow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back 0f your computer."
USER: "I can't reach."
CA: "Uh huh. Well, can y0u see if it is?"
USER: "N0."
CA: "Even if y0u maybe put your knee on something and lean way
0ver?"
USER: "Oh, it's n0t because I don't have the right angle-it's
because it's dark."
CA: "Dark?"
USER: "Yes-the 0ffice light is off, and the only light I have is
c0ming in from the window."
CA: "Well, turn 0n the office light then."
USER: "I can't."
CA: "N0? Why not?"
USER: "Because there's a p0wer outage."
CA: "A p0wer... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked
n0w. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
c0mputer came in?"
USER: "Well, yes, I keep them in the cl0set."
CA: "G0od! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when y0u got it. Then take it back to the store you
b0ught it from."
USER: "Really? Is it that bad?"
CA: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
USER: "Well, all right then, I supp0se. What do I tell them?"
CA: "Tell them y0u're too stupid to own a computer."
> >TOP 10 REASONS TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX..
> >> > >
> >>
> >> > 10. Y0u're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
> >> > 9. If y0u get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.
> >> > 8. The uglier y0u look, the easier it is to get some.
> >> > 7. Y0u don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
> >> > 6. It's 0kay when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,
> >> > because y0u ARE someone else.
> >> > 5. 40 years fr0m now, you'll still enjoy candy.
> >> > 4. If y0u don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
> >> > 3. It d0esn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
> >> > 2. Less guilt the next m0rning.
> >> > 1. Y0u can do the whole neighborhood!!
As migrati0n approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the
trip s0uth, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant n0ticed that they were
carrying tw0 dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through
as luggage?" she asked.
"N0, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
>
> << THINGS YOU WON'T HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY:
> > >
> > > We d0n't keep firearms in this house.
> > > Has anyb0dy seen the sideburn trimmer?
> > > Y0u can't feed that to the dog.
> > > I th0ught Graceland was tacky.
> > > N0 kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
> > > Wrasslin's fake.
> > > H0ney, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
> > > We're vegetarians.
> > > D0 you think my hair is too big?
> > > I'll have grapefruit instead 0f biscuits and gravy.
> > > H0ney, these bonsai trees need watering?
> > > Wh0's Richard Petty?
> > > Give me the small bag 0f pork rinds.
> > > Deer heads detract fr0m the decor.
> > > Spitting is such a nasty habit.
> > > I just c0uldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
> > > Trim the fat 0ff that steak.
> > > Cappuccin0 tastes better than espresso.
> > > The tires 0n that truck are too big.
> > > I'll have the arugula and radicchi0 salad.
> > > I've g0t it all on a floppy disk.
> > > Unsweetened tea tastes better.
> > > W0uld you like your fish poached or broiled?
> > > My fiancee, Paula J0, is registered at Tiffany's.
> > > I've g0t two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
> > > Little Debbie snack cakes have t0o many fat grams.
> > > Checkmate.
> > > She's t0o old to be wearing that bikini.
> > > D0es the salad bar have bean sprouts?
> > > Hey, here's an epis0de of "Hee Haw" that we haven't
> > > seen.
> > >
> > > I d0n't have a favorite college team.
> > > I believe y0u cooked those green beans too long.
> > > Th0se shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
> > > Elvis wh0?
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