1.
In the quiet t0wn of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal
f0r a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an
0rgasm.
2.
It's against the law in Will0wdale, Oregon, for a husband to
curse during sex.
3.
In Obl0ng, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while
hunting 0r fishing on your wedding day.
4.
N0 man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell
0f garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria,
Minnes0ta. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he
must brush his teeth.
5.
Warn y0ur hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he
isn't all0wed to take more than three gulps of beer while
lying in bed with y0u- or holding you in his arms.
6.
B0zeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity
between members 0f the opposite sex in the front yard of a
h0me after sundown- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you
wear s0cks, you're safe from the law!)
7.
In h0tels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to
have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum 0f two
feet apart when a c0uple rents a room for only one night. And
it's illegal t0 make love on the floor between the beds!
8.
The 0wner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required
t0 provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt.
N0 couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in
the nude. N0r may they have sex unless they are wearing one
0f these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
9.
An 0rdinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples
fr0m having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat
freezer!
10.
A state law in Illin0is mandates that all bachelors should
be called master, n0t mister, when addressed by their female
c0unterparts.
11.
In N0rfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a
c0rset. (There was a civil-service job- for men only- called
a c0rset inspector.)
12.
H0wever, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from
wearing c0rsets because "the privilege of admiring the
curvace0us, unencumbered body of a young woman should not
be denied t0 the normal, red-blooded American male."
13.
It's safe t0 make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho.
P0lice officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the
wind0w. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking
place must drive up fr0m behind, honk his horn three times
and wait appr0ximately two minutes before getting out of his
car t0 investigate.
14.
An0ther law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't
dance 0n a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least
three p0unds, two ounces of clothing.
15.
L0vers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying
their lustful urges in a parked car. If the h0rn accidentally
s0unds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple
can face a jail term.
16.
In Carlsbad, New Mexic0, it's legal for couples to have sex in a
parked vehicle during their lunch break fr0m work, as long as
the car 0r van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from
peeking in.
17.
A Fl0rida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed
w0man, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.
18.
W0men aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in
Cleveland, Ohi0- a man might see the reflection of
s0mething "he oughtn't!"
19.
N0 woman may have sex with a man while riding in an
ambulance within the b0undaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught,
the w0man can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her
name is t0 be published in the local newspaper." The man
isn't charged n0r is his name revealed.
A Blind Man's Sp0rt
A blind man was describing his fav0rite sport, parachuting.
When asked h0w this was accomplished, he said that things were all
d0ne for him:
"I am placed in the d0or and told when to jump"
"My hand is placed 0n my release ring for me, and out I go"
"But h0w do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense 0f smell and I can smell the trees and grass
when I am 300 feet fr0m the ground" he answered.
"But h0w do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on
the gr0und?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the d0g's leash goes slack".
A wife w0ke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing
fr0m bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard
s0bbing from the basement.
After turning 0n the light and descending the stairs, she found he
husband curled up int0 a little ball, sobbing.
"H0ney, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so
much.
"Remember, 20 years ag0, I got you pregnant?"
"And y0ur father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, 0f course," she replied.
"Well, I w0uld have been released tonight."
"Our b0mbs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they
can find Kuwait."
--A. Whitney Br0wn
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I kn0w in advance what I'll forget."
--Michael McShane
"Maybe there is n0 actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to
listen t0 our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating
sandwiches."
--Jim Carrey
"Th0u shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm
s0rry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the
w0rd of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
--J0n Stewart
"My m0m said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and
threw her 0ff the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom,
they weren't trying t0 teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula P0undstone
"In elementary sch0ol, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line fr0m smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people
burn sl0wer?"
--Warren Hutchers0n
"Relati0nships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it
like 0ne. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give y0u two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they
leave y0u, they should have to find you a temp."
--B0b Ettinger
"A study in the Washingt0n Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want t0 say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--C0nan O'Brien
"I d0n't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and
the H0me Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a
c0ngressman."
--Bruce Baum
"My grandfather's a little f0rgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he t0ok me aside and left me there."
--R0n Richards
"I w0rry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something
else."
--Lily T0mlin
"Salesw0men hold up dresses that are really ugly and they always say the
same thing: 'This l0oks much better on' ...On what? On fire?"
--Rita Rudner
"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already
missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
--Yak0v Smirnoff
"Everything that used t0 be a sin is now a disease."
--Bill Maher
"Y0u know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day."
--Jay M0hr
"N0w they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if y0u've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it,
maybe laundry isn't y0ur biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the
b0dy before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face 0n salad dressing and
spaghetti sauce....I th0ught he was missing."
--B0b Saget
"If G0d doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an
ap0logy."
--Jay Len0
"Chihuahua. There's a waste 0f dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far
away."
--Billiam C0ronell
"I just br0ke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll
never find any0ne like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I
d0n't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "
--Larry Miller
"A lady came up t0 me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You
kn0w a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a
psych0tic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to
kill y0u too."
--Jake J0hansen
"If y0ur parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
--Dick Cavett
"I have such p0or vision I can date anybody."
--Garry Shandling
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning t0wards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
"I always wanted t0 be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily T0mlin
"Why d0es Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my G0d....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda M0ntgomery
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a bl0nd I think. I don't know,
her hair was 0n fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these
kind 0f girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put
me 0ut.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?"
--Garry Shandling
"S0metimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul R0driguez
The J0y of Teaching
Then Jesus t0ok his disciples up the mountain and gathered them around him,
he taught them saying:
BLESSED ARE THE POOR IN SPIRIT FOR THERES IS THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
BLESSED ARE THE MEEK
BLESSED ARE THEY THAT MOURN
BLESSED ARE THE MERCIFUL
BLESSED ARE THEY THAT THRIST FOR JUSTICE
BLESSED ARE YOU WHEN PERSECUTED
BLESSED ARE YOU WHEN YOU SUFFER
BE GLAD AND REJOICE FOR YOUR REWARD IS GREAT IN HEAVEN
Then Sim0n Peter said, "are we supposed to know this"
Then Andrew said, "d0 we have to write this down"
Then James said, "will we have a test 0n this"
Then Phillip said, "I d0n't have a pencil"
And Barthel0mew said, "do we have to turn this in"
And J0hn said, "the other disciples didn't have to learn this"
And Matthew said, "may i g0 to the bathroom"
One 0f the pharisees present asked to see JESUS' lesson plan
Where is y0ur anticipatory set and your objectives in the cognitive
d0main?
AND JESUS WEPT.
Subject: Gynec0logist Becomes an Auto Mechanic
A gynec0logist, tired of his profession and wanting less
resp0nsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious
th0ught he decided that being an auto mechanic, something he had enjoyed up
t0 the time he entered college, would be a good profession.
H0wever, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine
and he knew that t0 work on any of the newest engines and be able to
c0mpete with the younger work force, he would have to go to school. So he
enr0lled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto
mechanics and pretty much aced the c0urse.
The final exam h0wever, required each student to completely strip and
reassemble a c0mplete engine. So it was with some trepidation he took on
the task.
At c0mpletion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for
evaluati0n and awaited his final grade. When the grades were handed out he
did a d0uble take at the 150% grade he received.
Rather c0nfused, he asked his instructor, "How is it possible to have a grade like this?"
The instruct0r replied. "It's really quite simple. You got 50% for
c0rrectly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling the
engine and an additi0nal 50% for doing it all through the muffler."
Subject: Hum0r: of the religous bent
*A W0man went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What Den0mination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to
this?" said the w0man. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
*Over the massive fr0nt doors of a church, these words were inscribed: The
Gate 0f Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please
use 0ther entrance."
*Rev. Warren J. Keating, Past0r of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma,
AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "L0rd, please make me the
kind 0f person my dog thinks I am."
*A Sunday Sch0ol teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with
them t0 Jerusalem. A young girl answered: "Because they couldn't get a
babysitter."
*Past0r: "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward
and lay an egg 0n the altar."
*Rev. H.J. Dick, past0r of Emmaus Mennonite Church near Whitewater, KS, came
t0 the end of a very heavy day at the New Year's Eve midnight service.
Getting his t0ngue tangled, he announced, "Let us now stand and sing,
An0ther Dear is Yawning."
*During a children's serm0n, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what
"Amen" means. A little b0yraised his hand and said: "It means -
'Tha-tha-tha-that's all f0lks!' "
*A student was asked t0 list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer?
"3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".
*I was at the beach with my children when my f0ur-year-old son ran up to me,
grabbed my hand, and led me t0 the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the
sand. "M0mmy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went
t0 Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw
him back d0wn?"
*Bill Keane, creat0r of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when
he was penciling 0ne of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do
y0u know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me. "Jeffy said, "Then why do you
keep erasing parts 0f it?"
*After the church service, a little b0y told the pastor: "When I grow up,
I'm g0ing to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied,
"but why?" "Because my daddy says y0u're one of the poorest preachers we've
ever had."
*My wife invited s0me people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our
six-year-0ld daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I
w0uldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say,"
my wife said. Our daughter b0wed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth
did I invite all these pe0ple to dinner?"
The Watch
A man named Jake is struggling thr0ugh a bus station with two huge and
0bviously heavy suitcases when a stranger comes up behind him and asks
"Have y0u got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts d0wn the suitcases and turns around. After glancing
at his wrist he says "it's ab0ut a quarter to s-"
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's n0t bad. Check this out" - and
he sh0ws him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the
w0rld, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and
fr0m somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til
sixteen" in a very West Texas accent. A few m0re buttons and the same
v0ice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional
accents f0r each city".
The display is unbelievably high quality f0r a mere watch, and the
v0ice is simply astounding - smooth and perfectly audible, without the
tinny s0und you might expect from a speaker that could fit on a watch.
The stranger is struck dumb with admirati0n.
"That's n0t all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons - it has
m0re than a dozen - and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York
City appears 0n the display. "If we were outside", Jake says
ap0logetically, "it could show you where we were by satellite
p0sitioning, but under this roof all it can do is remember my last
p0sition and a map of the surrounding area. View recede ten", he adds
t0 the watch, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"It resp0nds to voice?!" gasps the stranger, and Jake nods
enthusiastically: "But I haven't g0t it all programmed yet - most of
the functi0ns are still button-activated."
"I want t0 buy that watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, n0, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs",
says the invent0r. "But look at this:", and he proceeds to demonstrate
that the watch is als0 a very creditable little FM radio receiver with
a digital tuner, a s0nar device that can measure distances up to 125
meters as well as trigger the st0pwatch function for close racing
finishes, a pager with thermal paper print0ut and, most impressive of
all t0 the now drooling listener, has capacity for voice recordings of
up t0 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favourites
in there s0 far" says Jake. He starts up "The Moon is a Harsh
Mistress" by R0bert Heinlein, and although the stranger has never heard
0f either he can still hear those amazing un-tinny voices coming out of
the n0rmal-sized watch on Jake's wrist.
"I've g0t to have that watch!", he says.
"N0, you don't understand; it's not ready -"
"I'll give y0u $1000 for it!"
"Oh, n0, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give y0u $5000 for it!"
"But it's just n0t -"
"I'll give y0u $15 000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a
checkb0ok. "I've just *got* to have that watch!"
"But...". Jake st0ps to think. He's only put about $8500 into
materials and devel0pment, and with $15 000 he could make another one
and have it ready f0r merchandising in only another half a year. "$15
000?"
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in
fr0nt of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now."
Jake abruptly makes his decisi0n. "Ok", he says, and peels off the
watch. They make the exchange, the check f0r the watch, and the
stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, wh0 turns around
warily. Jake indicates the tw0 suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle
thr0ugh the bus station. "Don't you want the batteries?"
A newly 0rdained preacher and his young wife were talking about being more
c0nsiderate of each other. The good wife promised herself that she would
n0t be so critical of his sleep-inducing sermons. And he promised to honor
her privacy and never l0ok in the shoebox in the attic.
Finally after 50 years 0f marriage their children gave a great party to
celebrate the anniversary and many pe0ple came and congratulated the happy
c0uple. The preacher was obedient and never looked in the shoebox. The
g0od wife was never openly critical of her husband's sermons. On this
particular day h0wever, as he was looking for a few more chairs to seat
guests 0n, he came upon the shoebox. He thought and pondered and finally
c0uld withstand the temptation no longer. Inside he found 3 eggs and
$10,000.00, in bills 0f varied denominations. He quietly replaced the lid
and replaced the b0x. He was extremely puzzled by what he had found. That
evening, after the guests had left, he appr0ached his wife and asked of
the sh0ebox with it's eggs and money.
"Oh" she said, "well y0u remember when we spoke of being more considerate
with each 0ther all those years ago?"
The preacher answered firmly and quietly "yes", feeling that he had let
her d0wn.
She t0ld him. "Well I promised that I would not be critical of your
b0ring sermons, but every time you gave a sermon that was a real snoozer I
w0uld put an egg in the shoebox."
The preacher resp0nded."Well that's not so bad. 50 years of sermons and
0nly 3 eggs, but what about the $10,000.00?"
His wife quietly resp0nded "every time I got a dozen eggs I sold them."
H0tel Facts?
In a T0kyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you
are n0t person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest h0tel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next
day. During that time we regret that y0u will be unbearable.
In a Paris h0tel elevator: Please leave your values at the front
desk.
In a h0tel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the
0ffice between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yug0slavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure
is the j0b of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese h0tel: You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid.
In the l0bby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
m0nastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
and S0viet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.
On the menu 0f a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing
t0 hope for.
On the menu 0f a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid
red beet s0up with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted
duck let l0ose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a H0ng Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
c0urteous, efficient self-service.
Outside a H0ng Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Rh0des tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big
rush we will execute cust0mers in strict rotation.
Similarly, fr0m the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition
0f Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These
were executed 0ver the past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming p0ol is rapidly taking
shape since the c0ntractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna h0tel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
p0rter.
A sign p0sted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden
0n our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and w0men, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each 0ther for that purpose.
In a Zurich h0tel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
0f the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used f0r this purpose.
In an advertisement by a H0ng Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the
latest Meth0dists.
In a R0me laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
aftern0on having a good time.
In a Czech0slovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven
city t0urs -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement f0r donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride
0n your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washr0om: To stop the drip, turn cock
t0 right.
In the wind0w of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from
their 0wn skin.
On the b0x of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to
w0rk throughout its useful life.
In a Bangk0k temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.
In a T0kyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a C0penhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send
them in all directi0ns.
On the d0or of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit
t0 the USSR, you are welcome to it.
At a Budapest z0o: Please do not feed the animals. If you have
any suitable f0od, give it to the guard on duty.
In the 0ffice of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
diseases.
In an Acapulc0 hotel: The manager has personally passed all the
water served here.
In a T0kyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
they are best in the l0ng run.
Fr0m a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
c0nditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm
in y0ur room, please control yourself.
Fr0m a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of
f0ot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at
first, but if he still 0bstacles your passage then tootle him with
vig0r.
Tw0 signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
***********************************************
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