----------------------------------
The sec0nd day of a diet is always easier than the first.
By the sec0nd day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
Never raise y0ur hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unpr0tected.
- Red Butt0ns
I have a daughter wh0 goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA
here in Calif0rnia, but it's one more letter she'd have to
remember.
- Sheckly Greene
A c0nference is a gathering of important people who singly can
d0 nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen
A cement mixer c0llided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
M0torists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened
criminals.
- R0nnie Corbett
They think they can make fuel fr0m horse manure... Now I don't
kn0w if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon,
but it's sure g0nna put a stop to siphoning.
- Billie H0lliday
I date this girl f0r two years -- and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna kn0w your name"
- Mike Binder
Advertising: The science 0f arresting the human intelligence
l0ng enough to get money from it.
- Stephen Leac0ck
I have a great diet. Y0u're allowed to eat anything you want,
but y0u must eat it with naked fat people.
- Ed Bluest0ne
Did y0u ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad
at y0u? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head
0ut the window.
- Steve Bluest0ne
Everything is drive-thr0ugh. In California they even have a
burial service called Jump-In-The-B0x.
- Wil Shriner
Have y0u ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an
idi0t, and anyone going faster than you is a moron.
- Ge0rge Carlin
Y0u have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking
five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 t0day and we don't
kn0w where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneris
I'm n0t into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- Car0l Leifer
I w0ld love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I
grew hair under my arms instead.
- Sue K0linsky
The reas0n most people play golf is to wear clothes they would
n0t be caught dead in otherwise.
- R0ger Simon
A h0tel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt
bulbs in business.
- Shelley Berman
D0n't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to
the Salvati0n Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on
a hanger. Next m0rning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
- Billiam C0ronel
I'm desperately trying t0 figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
- Dave Edis0n
If law sch0ol is so hard to get through, how come there are so
many lawyers?
- Calvin Trillin
Guys are lucky because they get t0 grow mustaches. I wish
I c0uld. It's like having a little pet for your face.
- Anita Wise
I think men wh0 have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and b0ught jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
I went int0 a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some
fries." The girl at the c0unter said, "Would you like some
fries with that?"
- Jay Len0
Anytime f0ur New Yorkers get into a cab together without
arguing, a bank r0bbery has just taken place.
- J0hnny Carson
Dipl0macy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can
find a r0ck.
-Will R0gers
Never m0on a werewolf.
- Mike Binder
If it weren't f0r electricity we'd all be watching television
by candlelight.
- Ge0rge Gobel
T0 do is to be. -Descartes
T0 be is to do. -Voltaire
D0 be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
It's hard t0 make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written in the dust 0n the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
"If 0nly all the hands that reach could touch......"
- Mary A. L0berg
Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by G0d...
"Well, Bill, I'm really c0nfused on this call. I'm not sure whether to
send y0u
t0 Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting
a c0mputer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that
ghastly
Wind0ws '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going
t0 let you decide
where y0u want to go."
G0d said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, and then
decide t0 see if it will
help y0ur decision."
"Fine, but where sh0uld I go first?" Bill asked.
"I'll leave that up t0 you," God replied.
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
S0 Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters
and l0ts of beautiful women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and
fr0licking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was
very pleased.
"This is great," he t0ld God. "If this is hell, I really want to see
heaven."
"Fine," said G0d, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the
cl0uds, with
angels drifting ab0ut, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not
as enticing as Hell.
Bill th0ught for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I
think I'd prefer Hell,"
he t0ld God.
"Fine," replied G0d, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Tw0 weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how
he was
d0ing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall
screaming
am0ngst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons,
with n0 one to help
him 0ut of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.
"H0w's everything going?" He asked Bill.
Bill resp0nded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented
disapp0intment. "This is awful.
This is n0thing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe
this is happening. What
happened t0 that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women
playing in the water???"
"Oh," G0d said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."
Strike Back @ Telemarketers
1. If they want t0 loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy
and y0u could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have
t0 ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my
bankruptcy?"
2. If y0u get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to
their sales pitch. When they try t0 close the sale, tell them that you'll
need t0 go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do
laundry, sh0pping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits
f0r you to get your credit card.
3. If they start 0ut with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to
kn0w?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care
these days and I have all these pr0blems, my sciatica is acting up, my
eyelashes are s0re, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the
sales pr0cess, just continue on with telling about your problems.
4. If the pers0n says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell
his name, then ask him t0 spell the company name, then ask where it is
l0cated. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company
f0r as long as necessary.
5. This 0ne works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is
Julie and I'm with D0dger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few
sec0nds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
6. Or, crying 0ut, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise,
"Julie!! Is this really y0u? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?"
H0pefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to
figure 0ut where the heck she could know you from.
7. Say, "N0," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and
keep an even temp0 even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if
y0u can keep going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying t0 get you to sign up with their Friends and Family
plan, reply, in as sinister 0f a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any
friends...w0uld you be my friend?"
9. If they clean rugs: "Can y0u get blood out...you can? Well, how about
g0at blood or chicken blood - HUMAN blood, too?"
10. Let the pers0n go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary
feedback in the f0rm of an occasional "Uh-huh, really," or, "That's
fascinating." Finally, when they ask y0u to buy, ask them to marry you. They
get all flustered, but just tell them y0u couldn't give your credit card
number t0 someone who's a complete stranger.
11. Tell them y0u work for the same company they work for. Example:
Telemarketer: "I'm calling fr0m Bill from Widget & Associates."
Y0u: "Widget & Associates!! Hey! I work for them, too. Where are you
calling fr0m?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
Y0u: "Great! They have a group there, too? How's business/the weather? Too
bad the c0mpany has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer y0u are busy and if they will give you their phone
number y0u will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out
their number, then ask them f0r their home number and tell them you will call
them at h0me (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of
Telemarketers). If the pers0n says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call
at h0me," say, "Yea! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
The Atlanta Sch0ol Board, sensing that Oakland was about to cash in by
labeling African American slang as the language "Eb0nics," decided to pursue
s0me of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by
designating S0uthern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in
all S0uthern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The
f0llowing are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI -- n. Greeting.
HIRE YEW- - C0mplete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire
yew?"
BARD -- v. Past tense 0f the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard
my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - - n. The State n0rth of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage:"My
br0ther from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER -- n. The State west 0f Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A
t0rnader jes went through Bammer an' left twenny millyun dollers in
impr0vements."
MUNTS -- n. A calendar divisi0n. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my
pickup truck, and I ain't herd fr0m him in munts."
THANK -- v. Ability t0 cognitively process.
BARE -- n. An alc0holic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah
thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT -- adj. N0t smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys
sure is ignert!"
RANCH -- n. A t0ol used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "Ah thank I left my
ranch in the back 0f that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts
ag0."
ALL -- n. A petr0leum-based lubricant. Usage: "Ah sure hope my brother from
Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR -- n0un. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't
change the all in my pickup truck, that thang's g0nna catch far."
TAR -- n. A rubber wheel attachment. Usage: "Gee, I h0pe that brother of
mahn d0n't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE -- n. A tall m0nument. Usage: "Lawd willin' and the creek don't rise,
ah sh0re dew hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD -- v. T0 stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT -- n., v. 1. a battle 0r combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "Yew y0unguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'awl."
RATS -- n. Entitled p0wer or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners always bin
willin' t0 fat for are rats."
FARN -- adj. Originating fr0m outside local environment. Usage: "I cuddint
unnerstand a wurd he sed... mus' be fr0m some farn country."
DID -- adj. N0t alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR -- n. A c0lorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't
breathe....give 'im s0me ear!"
BOB WAR -- n. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "B0y, stay 'way from that bob
war fence."
JEW HERE -- N0un and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from
Jawjuh g0t a job with that bob war fence cup'ny?"
HAZE -- a c0ntraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He
ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."
SEED -- v., past tense 0f "to see".
VIEW -- c0ntraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York
City....view?"
GUMMIT -- n.. A bureaucratic instituti0n. Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are
ignert.
Maxims f0r the Internet Age:
======================
1. H0me is where you hang your @.
2. The E-mail 0f the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A j0urney of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. Y0u can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great gr0ups from little icons grow.
6. Speak s0ftly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the r0ot of all directories.
8. D0n't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper f0olish.
10. The m0dem is the message.
11. T0o many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. D0n't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than ficti0n.
16. What b0ots up must come down.
17. Wind0ws will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and 0ur tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its 0wn reward.
20. M0dulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are s0on parted.
22. There's n0 place like http://www.home.com
23. Kn0w what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and y0u feed him for a day; teach him to use the
Net and he w0n't bother you for weeks.
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language!
There's n0 egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England 0r French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet,
are meat.
We take English f0r granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can w0rk slowly, boxing rings are square, and a
guinea pig is neither fr0m Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers d0n't fing, grocers
d0n't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural 0f booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one
m0ose, two meese? One index, two indices?
D0esn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend,
that y0u comb through the annals of history but not a single annal? If
y0u have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what d0 you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what d0es a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter,
perhaps y0u bote your tongue?
S0metimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to
an asylum f0r the verbally insane. In what language do people recite
at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send carg0 by ship?
Have n0ses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive
0n parkways?
H0w can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are 0pposites? How can overlook and oversee be
0pposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the
weather be h0t as hell one day and cold as hell another?
H0w you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they
are absent? Have y0u ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
Met a sung her0 or experienced requited love?
Have y0u ever run into someone who was dis-combobulated, grunted,
ruly 0r peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring
chickens 0r who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
Y0u have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
h0use can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling 0ut and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by pe0ple, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity 0f the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are 0ut, they are visible, but when the
lights are 0ut, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch,
I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!
Subject: Sayings
Every0ne has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Save the whales. C0llect the whole set.
A day with0ut sunshine is like, night.
Dipl0macy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
On the 0ther hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except fr0m a vending machine.
Back Up My Hard Drive? H0w do I Put it in Reverse?
I just g0t lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are d0wn, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, d0ne it all, can't remember most of it.
Th0se who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diag0nally parked in a parallel universe.
He's n0t dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancest0rs arrived on the June Flower.
Y0u have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misqu0ted, then used against you.
I w0nder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
H0nk if you love peace and quiet.
Pard0n my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the c0st of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
N0thing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a n0n-prophet organization.
He wh0 laughs last thinks slowest.
I was watching "Girl's Night Out" last night, and a c0mic was speaking of
her health classes in par0chial school. She said, "Getting sex education
classes fr0m nuns was like getting driving lessons from the Amish."
Three health care pr0fessionals find themselves at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asks the first, "Why d0 you belong here?"
The first replies, "I was a great surge0n. I have saved countless
lives."
"Welc0me," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."
Saint Peter then asks the sec0nd,"Why do you belong here?"
The sec0nd answers "I was a family practitioner. I treated young and
0ld alike.I made them well again."
"Welc0me," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."
Finally, Saint Peter asks the third, "Why d0 you belong here?"
The third says, "I ran an HMO. I helped all0w for thousands to receive
medical care."
"Okay," replies Saint Peter, "But y0u can only stay a day and a half."
``Help the P0lice --- Beat yourself up.''
D0es the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If y0u're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
>TEN REASONS WHY MEN SHOULD NOT BE ORDAINED
>
>1. Their physical build indicates that men are m0re suited to tasks
>such as picking turnips 0r de-horning cattle. It would indeed be
>"unnatural" f0r them to do other forms of work. How can we argue with
>the intended 0rder that is instituted and enforced by nature?
>
>2. F0r men who have children, their duties as ministers might
>detract fr0m their responsibilities as parents. Instead of teaching
>their children imp0rtant life skills like how to make a
>wiener-r0asting stick, they would be off at some committee meeting or
>preparing a serm0n. Thus these unfortunate children of ordained men
>w0uld almost certainly receive less attention from their male parent.
>S0me couples might even go so far as to put their children into
>secular daycare centers t0 permit the man to fulfill his duties as a
>minister.
>
>3. Acc0rding to the Genesis account, men were created before
>w0men, presumably as a prototype. It is thus obvious that men
>represent an experiment, rather than the cr0wning achievement of
>creati0n.
>
>4. Men are 0verly prone to violence. They are responsible for the
>vast maj0rity of crime in our country, especially violent crime. Thus
>they w0uld be poor role models, as well as being dangerously unstable
>in p0sitions of leadership.
>
>5. In the New Testament acc0unt, the person who betrayed Jesus was
>a man. Thus his lack 0f faith and ensuing punishment stands as a
>symb0l of the subordinate position that all men should take. The story
>als0 illustrates the natural tendency of all men to be either
>unwilling 0r unable to take a stand. From the Garden of Gethsemane to
>f0otball locker rooms, men still have this habit of buckling under the
>weight 0f the lowest common denominator. It is expected that even
>0rdained men would still embarrass themselves with their natural
>tendency t0ward a pack mentality.
>
>6. Jesus didn't 0rdain men. He didn't ordain any women either, but
>tw0 wrongs don't make a right.
>
>7. If men g0t ordained, then they wouldn't be satisfied with that;
>they'd want m0re and more power. Next thing most of the Conference
>leaders w0uld be men and then where would we be? No. The line must be
>drawn clearly n0w before it's too late.
>
>8. Many, if n0t most, men who seek to be ordained have been
>influenced by the radical "men's m0vement" (or "masculist movement").
>H0w can they be good leaders if their loyalties are divided between
>leading a church and champi0ning the masculist drive for men's
>rights?The tract writers haven't pr0nounced on it yet, but the
>masculist m0vement is probably profoundly un- Christian.
>
>9. T0 be an ordained pastor is to nurture and strengthen a whole
>c0ngregation. But these are not traditional male roles. Rather,
>thr0ughout the history of Christianity, women have been considered to
>be n0t only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more
>fervently attracted t0 it. Women, the myth goes, are fulfilled and
>c0mpleted only by their service to others. This makes them the
>0bvious choice for ordination. But if men try to fit into this
>nurturing r0le, our young people might grow up with Role Confusion
>Syndr0me, which could lead to such terrible traumas as the Questioning
>Traditi0n Syndrome.
>
>10. Men can still be inv0lved in Church activities, without having
>t0 be ordained. They can still take up the offering, shovel the
>sidewalk, and maybe even lead the singing 0n Father's Day. In other
>w0rds, by confining themselves to such traditional male roles, they
>can still be vitally imp0rtant in the life of the Church. Why should
>they feel left 0ut?
A few years ag0 I spent a summer learning tai chi.The only ploy to
persuade the teacher t0 give our burning muscles a rest was, "Let's
g0 see a Jackie Chan movie!" We were never too far away from a dumpy
theater in Chinat0wn under the Manhattan Bridge--2 HK films for $3,
g0od Airconditioning--now condemned. Anyway, the subtitles are really
like this. Enj0y! Barbara
-------------------------------
>> 1. I am damn unsatisfied t0 be killed in this way.
>>
>> 2. Fatty, y0u with your thick face have hurt my instep.
>>
>> 3. Gunw0unds again?
>>
>> 4. Same 0ld rules: no eyes, no groin.
>>
>> 5. A n0rmal person wouldn't steal pituitaries
>>
>> 6. Damn, I'II burn y0u into a BBQ chicken!
>>
>> 7. Take my advice, 0r I'II spank you without pants.
>>
>> 8. Wh0 gave you the nerve to get killed here?
>>
>> 9. Quiet 0r i'll blow your throat up.
>>
>> 10. Y0u always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice
>> chicken.
>>
>> 11. I'II fire aimlessly if y0u don't come out!
>>
>> 12. Y0u daring lousy guy.
>>
>> 13. Beat him 0ut of recognizable shape!
>>
>> 14. 1 have been scared shitless t0o much lately.
>>
>> 15. 1 g0t knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
>>
>> 17. The bullets inside are very h0t. Why do I feel so cold?
>>
>> 18. H0w can you use my intestines as a gift?
>>
>> 19. This will be 0f fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am
>> sure y0u
>> will n0t mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the
>> dessert fl0or for your aunts to eat.
>>
>> 20. Yah-hah, evil spider w0man! i have captured you by the short
>> rabbits
>> and can n0w deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough
>> exterminati0n.
>>
>> 21. Greetings, large black pers0n. Let us not forget to form a team up
>>
>> t0gether and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate
>> feets
>> 0n some ass of the giant lizard person.
Lady G0diva - What do mean this isn't business casual?
Atheism is a n0nprophet organization.
Tw0 ladies were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that
t0ld them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there
ab0ut how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for
lunch. After getting their f0od, one of the ladies said to the cashier,
"Can y0u settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."
The cashier leaned 0ver the counter and said, "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrr
Kiiiinnnnnnggg!"
S0mebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music
in the sh0wer? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface
next t0 a glass door.
H0w many pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One t0 lay hands on it and two to catch it when it falls.
H0w many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
N0ne. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
H0w many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But f0r the message of light to continue, send in your donation
t0day.
H0w many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
We ch0ose not to make a statement of either in favor of or against the
need
f0r a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a
light bulb w0rks for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem
0r
c0mpose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light
bulb
and present it next m0nth at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in
which
we will expl0re a number of light bulb traditions, including
incandescent,
flu0rescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted; all of which are equally
valid paths t0 luminescence through Jesus Christ.
LATIN: Catapultam habe0. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum
saxum immane mittam.
ENGLISH: I have a catapult. Give me all the m0ney, or I will fling an
en0rmous rock at your head.
There is a st0ry about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him
if she c0uld buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused
himself t0 ask the manager.
"S0me nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit..." he began, and,
suddenly realizing that the cust0mer had entered the office behind him,
c0ntinued, "... and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half."
The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably res0lved the
pr0blem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the
st0re manager.
"Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "h0me of ugly women and great
h0ckey teams."
"Oh, my WIFE is fr0m Lancaster," challenged the manager.
With0ut skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?"
Fruit Cake
Y0u'll need the following:
1 cup sugar
4 large br0wn eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp salt
1 cup br0wn suger
1 tsp lem0n juice
1/2 cup nuts
1 b0ttle whiskey
Sample the whiskey t0 check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check whiskey
again t0 be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat. Turn 0n the electric mixer and beat one cup butter in a large fluffy
b0wl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
(make sure whiskey is still 0k. Cry another tup)
ause yz zy pausee yz zy pausse yz zy pau Turn 0ff the mixer. Beat 2
leggs and add t0 the bowl and chuck in the cup of
dried fruits. Mix 0n the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaters,
pry it l0ose with a screwdriver or something. (Sample whiskey to check for
t0nsisticity.) Next sift two cups of salt or something. Who cares? Check the
whiskey. N0w sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table, spoon,
whatever y0u can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
D0n't forget the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey
again and g0 to bed.
Indigen0us Peoples-Columbus Day - (A True Story)
In 1990, the Berkeley City C0uncil passed a law changing the name of
C0lumbus Day to Native American Day because Columbus wasn't nice to
the Indians. Of c0urse, no Indians were asked if they wanted the
h0liday's name changed or if they wanted to be called Native
Americans.
In 1991, the Berkeley City C0uncil changed the name again, to
Indigen0us People Day. A group of P.C.ers argued that Indians are not
native t0 America but to Asia, so calling them Native Americans might
be insulting t0 Asians. Of course, neither the Indian or Asian
c0mmunities were consulted about this.
In 1992, the Italian American Anti-Defamati0n League gave the City of
Berkeley their Insensitivity Award. The Italian-American gr0up said
that they agreed that Indians haven't been treated well, but that the
Italians weren't the 0nes who did it, so why take away their holiday?
N0body asked Italian-American how they felt about renaming Columbus
day.
In 1994, the Berkeley City C0uncil changed the holiday back to
C0lumbus Day.
In 1995, representatives 0f the Winnamucca Indians protested City
C0uncil meetings. They argued that Indians had never asked that
C0lumbus day be renamed to honor Indians, since it had, the City
C0uncil couldn't take it back, less they become "indigenous peoples
givers."
In 1996, the City C0uncil changed the name to Indigenous Peoples -
C0lumbus Day.
Currently there are pe0ple lobbying to rename the holiday Animal
Rights Day.
The L0ne Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon one day and sat down to
drink [a s0da] (hey it's my joke!) . After a few minutes, a big tall
c0wboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The L0ne Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The c0wboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you
w0uld like to know that your horse is just about dead outside !!"
The L0ne Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was
ab0ut dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water
and made him drink it, and s0on Silver was starting to feel better.
The L0ne Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run
ar0und Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him
start t0 feel better."
T0nto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around
Silver. N0t able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
returned t0 the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, an0ther cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Wh0 owns that big white horse outside?"
The L0ne Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with
him this time?"
The c0wboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know...
y0u left your Injun running!
>Fr0m the pen of the Irish Goddess/Saint Bridget:
I sh0uld like a great lake of beer for the God of Hosts.
I sh0uld like the angels of Heaven to be drinking it
thr0ugh time eternal.
I sh0uld like the flails of penance at my house.
I sh0uld like the men and women of Heaven at my house.
I sh0uld like barrels of peace at their disposal.
I sh0uld like vessels of charity for distribution.
I sh0uld like for them cellars of mercy.
I sh0uld like cheerfulness to be in their drinking.
I sh0uld like Jesus to be there among them.
I sh0uld like the three Marys of illustrious renown
t0 be with us.
I sh0uld like the people of Heaven, the poor,
t0 be gathered around us from all parts.
S0, this guy calls up a shrink and says, very agitatedly: "Oh, Doctor, I
have this terrible feeling! I feel like I'm invisible!"
The d0c replies: "Sorry, I can't see you right now."
The Number 1 Rejected Children's B0ok...
"Furi0us George Delivers the Mail"
The Number 1 Failed Celebrity End0rsement Idea...
The Stevie W0nderbra
The Number 1 Reas0n Dogs Don't Use Computers...
TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrO0 TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.
W0uld you like to join...
The Y0ko Club? Oh no.
The German phil0sophy club? I. Kant.
The F0rd-Nixon club? Pardon me?
The Arafat club? Yessir.
The Alzheimer's club? F0rget it.
The Ebert m0vie club? Roger.
The Gr0ucho Marx club? You bet your life.
The Peter Pan club? Never. Never.
The Japanese theater club? N0h.
The quarterback club? I'll pass.
The Rhett Butler club? I d0n't give a damn.
The c0mpulsive rhymers club? Okey-dokey.
The Spanish 0ptometrists club? Si.
The anti-perspirant club? Sure.
The pregancy club? C0nceivably.
The Pr0crastinator's Club Maybe next week.
The Self Esteem Builders They w0uldn't accept me anyway.
The Ag0raphobics Society Only if they meet at my house.
The C0-Dependence Club Can I bring a friend?
The Prayer Gr0up God willing!
Matsu's pers0nal additions:
The Las Vegas Sweepstakes Club? Y0u bet.
The Inc0ntinence Support Club? Depends.
The Rec0rd of the Month Club? Sounds good.
The Euthanasia Club? Dying t0.
The Bigamy Club? L0ve to.
The Celestial S0ul's Club? Not a chance in hell.
The Cart0graphically Challenged Club? Get lost.
The J0ker's Club? Get lost.
The Tang0 Club? It takes two.
The Mensa Club? A brilliant idea.
A d0ctor says to a man "You want
t0 improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten
miles a day." Tw0 weeks later, the man called the doctor.
The d0ctor says "How is your love life since you have been
running?" "I d0n't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
If my m0ther knew I did this for a
living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling d0pe.
A priest is sent t0 Alaska. A bishop
g0es up to visit one year later. The bishop asks "How do you
like it up here?" The priest says "If it wasn't f0r my
R0sary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like
a martini?" "Yes." "R0sary, get the bishop a
martini!"
A guy c0mplains of a headache. Another
guy says "D0 what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom,
and the headache g0es away." The next day, the man says,
"Did y0u do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did.
By the way, y0u have a nice house!"
A man had his vasect0my done at
Sears. N0w when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
A little turtle begins t0 climb a tree slowly. After long hours of
eff0rt,
he reaches the t0p, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until lands
0n the ground so hard he knocks himself out.
After rec0vering consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again,
jumps again, and kn0cks himself out on the ground again. The little
turtle
persists again and again ,after each kn0ck,
while a c0uple of birds sat on the end of a branch, looking at the turtle
with pain. The female bird says t0 the male: "Dear, I think
it's time t0 tell our little turtle he is adopted"
> > > Sign in a maternity cl0thes store:
> > > "We are 0pen on labor day."
> > >
> > > Sign 0n the door of the maternity ward:
> > > "Push - Push - Push."
> > >
> > > Sign 0n a parking space at a garden nursery:
> > > "Reserved f0r plant manager."
> > >
> > > Sign 0n a door to a psychiatric ward:
> > > "Please d0 not disturb further."
> > >
> > > Sign in a veterinary's waiting r0om:
> > > "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
> > >
> > > Sign in a b0wling alley:
> > > "Please be quiet. We need t0 hear a pin drop."
> > >
> > > Sign 0n the inside of a bathroom stall:
> > > "Beware 0f limbo dancers."
> > >
> > > Sign in a Maine restaurant:
> > > "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
> > >
> > > Sign in sch0ol:
> > > "In case 0f atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in
> > > this building will be temp0rarily suspended."
A man is bragging ab0ut his new hearing aid. "It's the best
I've ever had", he says. "It c0st $3,000."
His friend asks, "What kind is it?"
He says, "Half past f0ur!"
> these simple steps:
>
> 1. Page y0urself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
>
> 2. Send e-mail t0 the rest of the company telling them what
> y0u're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the
> head."
>
> 3. "Hi-lite" y0ur shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your
> sh0es since you did this.
>
> 4. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell pe0ple
> y0u're waiting for your document.
>
> 5. Insist that y0ur e-mail address be
> zena_g0ddess_of_fire@companyname.com
>
> 6. Every time s0meone asks you to do something, ask them if they
> want fries with that.
>
> 7. Send e-mail t0 yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent
> debate ab0ut the direction of one of your company's products.
> F0rward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the
> disagreement.
>
> 8. Enc0urage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
> chair dancing.
>
> 9. Determine h0w many cups of coffee is "too many."
>
> 10. Devel0p an unnatural fear of staplers.
>
> 11. Dec0rate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny
> Partridge. Try t0 pass them off as your children.
>
> 12. Send e-mail messages saying "free pizza, free d0nuts etc...
> in the lunchr0om." When people complain that there was none,
> just lean back, pat y0ur stomach, and say, "Oh, you've got to
> be faster than that."
>
> 13. Put decaf in the c0ffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
> g0tten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
The T0p 14 Threats Used in Dysfunctional Families
14> "Finish y0ur lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!"
13> "If y0u don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another
striptease f0r you."
12> "If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash y0ur mouth out with soap,
y0ung man."
11> "D0 you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!"
10> "Billy B0b, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!"
9> "Eat y0ur brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore."
8> "Lyle, Erik -- either behave, 0r go to your suites!"
7> "If y0u don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at Janet Reno's
h0use!"
6> "D0n't make me put you back in the womb!"
5> "As l0ng as you live under this roof, you're *going* to wear
that dress, y0ung man!"
4> "Y0u just wait til your father gets paroled!"
3> "St0p crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin."
2> "Y0ung lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!"
and the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfuncti0nal Families...
1> "All right, Little Mister, n0 more time in the sheep pen
f0r you!"
> > Why d0 Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
> > T0es Go In First.
> >
> > Three Bl0ndes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car
> > f0r 4 hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left."
> > S0 they turned around and went home.
> >
> > What d0 smart Blondes and UFO's have in common?
> > Y0u always hear about them but you never see them.
> >
> > What did the Bl0nde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
> > Oh l0ok, daddy ... doughnut seeds.
> >
> > Why did the Bl0nde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
> > Because it said c0ncentrate.
> >
> > Why d0 Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
> > They think their picture is being taken.
> >
> > H0w can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
> > It has a stamp 0n it.
> >
> > Why can't Bl0ndes dial 911?
> > They can't find the eleven 0n the phone!
> >
> > What d0 you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
> > Run, she's g0t a grenade in her mouth!
> >
> > H0w can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
> > There is white0ut all over the monitor.
> >
> > Why sh0uldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
> > It takes t0o long to retrain them.
> >
> > A brunette g0es to the doctor and as she touches each part of
> > her b0dy with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere.
> > My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head
> > hurts!" The d0ctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?" "Yes, I was."
> > she replies. "Why d0 you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your
> > finger is br0ken!"
> >
> > A Bl0nde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette
> > said, "Oh, l0ok at the dead bird."
> > The Bl0nde looked skyward and said "Where, where?"
> >
> > A brunette is standing 0n some train tracks, jumping from rail
> > t0 rail, saying "21" "21" "21". A Blonde walks up, sees her and
> > decides t0 join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail,
> > saying "21" "21" "21". Suddenly, the brunette hears a train
> > whistle, and she jumps 0ff the tracks just as the Blonde is
> > splattered all 0ver the place. The brunette goes back to jumping
> > fr0m rail to rail, counting, "22" "22" "22".
> >
> > Why d0es it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a
> > regular 0ne?
> > Y0u have to hollow out the head.
> >
> > Why d0n't Blondes like making KOOL-AID?
> > Because they can't fit 8 cups 0f water in the little packet.
> >
> > Did y0u hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to
> > death in their car at a drive-in m0vie theater?
> > They went t0 see "Closed for the Winter".
> >
> > Why w0n't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
> > They keep breaking the prescripti0n bottles in the typewriters.
46 Things That Never Happen in Star Trek
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.The Enterprise runs int0 a mysterious energy field of a type that it
has enc0untered before.
2.The Enterprise g0es to check up on a remote outpost of scientists who
are all perfectly all right.
3.The Enterprise c0mes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called
Paradise, where every0ne is happy all the time. However, everything is
s0on revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4.The crew 0f the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which
later turns 0ut to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly
hat.
5.The crew 0f the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for
which the cure is f0und in the well-stocked sick-bay.
6.An enigmatic being c0mposed of pure energy attempts to interface to
the Enterprise's c0mputer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
bring the right leads.
7.A p0wer surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacit0r by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
8.A p0wer surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a
c0mputer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge
pr0tection feature called a 'fuse'.
9.The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP fr0m one place to another without
seri0us incident.
10.The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superi0r alien intelligence
which d0es not put them on trial.
11.The Enterprise separates as s0on as there is any danger.
12.The Enterprise gets inv0lved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous
situati0n, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the
end.
13.The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferi0r alien intelligence
which they easily pacify with candy.
14.The Enterprise is inv0lved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which
is in n0 way connected with the 20th century.
15.S0mebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
16.A maj0r Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, and some
0ther ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's
satisfacti0n.
17.The shields 0n the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18.The Enterprise visits the Kling0n Home World on a bright, sunny day
19.An attempt at undermining the Kling0n-Federation alliance is
disc0vered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful,
"w0uld represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
20.A maj0r character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a
single malfuncti0n trapping him/her there.
21.Picard hears the d0or chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
22.Picard d0esn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
23.Picard walks up t0 a replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
24.C0unsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
25.M0od rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's
p0sition.
26.W0rf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate
Pulaski sh0w up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you
l0ve poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"
27.When W0rf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual
range n0 one says "On screen."
28.W0rf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to
0ne of the Enterprise's hails.
29.W0rf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done
in "Deja Vu" then we c0uld have seen it 5 times without rewinding the
tape).
30.Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates f0r being a smarmy
git, and c0nsequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for
a change.
31.Wesley saves the ship, the Federati0n, and the Universe as we know
it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
32.The warp engines start acting up a bit, but then seem t0 sort
themselves 0ut after a while without any intervention from boy genius
Wesley Crusher.
33.Wesley Crusher tries t0 upgrade the warp drive and they work better
than ever.
34.Beverly Crusher manages t0 go through a whole episode without having
a h0t flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
35.Guinan f0rgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
36.Data falls in l0ve with the replicator.
37.Kirk (0r Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and
isn't tragically separated fr0m her at the end of the episode. [or even:
Kirk (0r Riker) meets an attractive woman and does not fall in love.
-psl]
38.The Captain has t0 make a difficult decision about a less advanced
pe0ple which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
Directive.
39.An unkn0wn ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to
tell the tale.
40.Sp0ck or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being
able t0 understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
sentences that any0ne says to him.
41.Kirk's hair remaining c0nsistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
42.Kirk gets int0 a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk
DOESN'T get int0 a fistfight...)
43.Kirk d0esn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she
d0esn't sacrifice herself for him.
44.Sc0tty doesn't mention the laws of physics
45.Sp0ck isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by
alien race/etc!! due t0 his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan
physi0logy" and thus he cannot save the day.
46.The epis0de ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability
t0 understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eybrow.
Murphy's Law Applies t0 Music
(as first printed in The Instrumentalist - September/1994)
by R0bert Reely
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Law
If anything can g0 wrong, it will.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Murphy Phil0sophy
Smile. T0morrow will be worse.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
O'T0ole's Commentary
Murphy was an 0ptimist.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Law Extended
If a series 0f events goes wrong, it will do so in the worst possible
sequence.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evan's and Bj0rn's Law
N0 matter what goes wrong, there is always someone who knew it would.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Eighth Law
If everything seems t0 be going well, you've overlooked something.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tr0tter's Law of Percussion Music
Percussi0nists will consistently lose music as a concert approaches.
C0rollary: All parts will be lost at least once, and percussionists
will n0t admit losing any music until they are caught faking the parts.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Uncertainty Principal
The l0cation of all auxiliary percussion instruments cannot be known
simultane0usly.
C0rollary: If a lost percussion item is found, another will disappear.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Percussi0n Will Travel Principle
On every band trip 0ne important piece of percussion equipment will be
left at the sch0ol.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Percussi0n Won't Travel Principle
On every band trip 0ne important piece of equipment will be left at the
perf0rmance site.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diminishing Quality rule t0 the Percussion Won't Travel Principle
At any festival 0ne piece of percussion equipment will be switched with
that 0f another school.
C0rollary: The one you take back will be of lower quality.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Law 0f Lost Drumsticks
Percussi0nists will lose sticks.
C0rollaries:
Percussi0nists always claim the sticks were stolen.
The l0st sticks will be found the day after new ones are purchased.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stidman's Law 0f Doors
The largest timpani is always f0ur inches wider than the door to the
audit0rium.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Law 0n Instruments
An instrument always breaks at the w0rst possible time.
C0rollary: The instrument will belong to a first chair player.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Baldwin's Law
Instruments are easier t0 break than to fix.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wyszk0wski's Law
Anything will w0rk if you fiddle with it long enough.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Principals 0f Instrument Repair
The screwdriver 0f the correct size head will be missing
when it is needed t0 tighten a woodwind key.
When replacing a w0odwind pad, all available pads
will be the wr0ng size.
When a pad is accidentally dr0pped it will roll
t0 the least accessible part of the room.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Law 0f Diminishing Repairs
After rest0ring one key on a woodwind instrument, three others will
malfuncti0n.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
M0uthpiece Inertia Principle
Brass m0uthpieces are easier to jam than to dislodge.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Halbr0ok's Axiom
A stuck key will w0rk perfectly when the repairman tries it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Law 0f Selective Operation
Brass valves will stick 0n test days.
C0rollaries:
They will n0t stick when the director tries them.
They will stick again when the student resumes playing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Richard's C0mplimentary Rule of Ownership
If y0u keep anything long enough you can throw it away.
If y0u throw anything away, you will need it the next day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
C0mmunication Principle
When a direct0r gives students letters for parents,
15% will be left 0n music stands,
25% will be inside the music,
15% will r0t in instrument cases,
15% will be left in l0ckers,
15% will crawl under the student's bed,
and 15% 0f the parents will actually receive the letter
(alth0ugh only 7% will actually read it...)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tillis' Organizati0nal Principle
If y0u file it, you'll know where it is - but never need it.
If y0u don't file it, you'll need it - but never know where it is.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Edward's Law 0f Time & Effort
Given a large initial time t0 do something, the initial effort will be
small.
As time remaining appr0aches zero, the effort approaches infinity.
C0rollary: If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get
d0ne.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
R0llin's Rule of Organization
The m0re you plan, the greater is the confusion when things go wrong.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
C0pier Breakdown Principle
C0piers will break down when there is only one more copy to make.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Left-Right Principle
At least 0ne person is out of step in any one drill movement.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Law 0f Majorettes
If a maj0rette can drop a baton, she will.
C0rollary: The drop occurs at the near side-line.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reely's Principle
Any piece y0u select as a closer will have a final note one step higher
than the first trumpet can play.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter's Placeb0
An 0unce of image is worth a pound of performance.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Weather Rep0rt Rule
On game and c0ntest days, bad weather reports are more often correct
than g0od ones.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Law 0f Perverse Weather
If the weather l0oks like it's going to downpour and you decide not to
march at half-time because a d0wnpour is inevitable, the weather will
clear.
If y0u decide to march, the rain will begin with the downbeat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Gl0bal-Warming Principle
Temperatures the day bef0re a Christmas parade will be in the 60's and
dry.
The day 0f the parade will be 5 degrees with snow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Small Band Dilemma
The drum maj0r is always the best trumpet player.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Stadium Maxim
Up0n entering a stadium for the first time, bands that enter on the
east side have seats 0n the west side.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rural Visiting Band Axi0m
The stands f0r the visiting band will be decrepit and almost impossible
t0 use.
C0rollary: The stadium lights will be in front of the stands so no one
can see the music after it gets dark.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Win-L0ss Appreciation Equation
The p0orer the record of a football team, the greater the appreciation
f0r the band.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unif0rm Shortage Postulate
There will always be at least 0ne band student who cannot find a
unif0rm that fits.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
F0rgotten Uniform Parts Law
Part 0f at least one uniform will be left behind on every away game.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mead0ws Law of Computer Drill
Y0u can still write lousy drill on a computer
C0rollary: It's much neater.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Electr0nic Ratio Principle
The p0tential for disaster increases in direct proportion to how much
electr0nic equipment is used to prepare a half-time show.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
H0le in the Show Law
After summer practices y0u will always be at least one person short of
what y0u charted the show for.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Campbell's Climax Principle
When in d0ubt, do a company front.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reely 0n Drill Design
The 0nly thing worse that writing half-time drills is seeing the
finished pr0duct on the field.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
B0gan's Law of Bus Trips
Bus breakd0wns always occur on the longest trips.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Traveling Amnesia Principle
F0rgetful students always forget something.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
RT+1 Principle
The scheduled return time 0f any trip will be one hour earlier than the
actual return.
C0rollary: This happens even when you pad the return time with an extra
h0ur.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
RT+3 Principle
Y0u will have to wait another two hours for the last parent to pick up
a child.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuner Will Travel Principle
The tuner will be left behind 0n out-of-town performances.
If it is s0mehow remembered, the batteries will be run down.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
B0uncing Check Maxim
The largest fundraising check will b0unce.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fundraising Prize Principle
A third 0f all fundraising prizes received will not work and will have
t0 be sent back.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
F0wler's Prolonged Agony Law
At least 0ne student will wait six months to turn in fundraising money.
C0rollary: He/She will also try to turn in unsold items.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blind Lead the Blind Principle
Band students playing c0rrectly will always follow the students who are
playing s0mething incorrectly.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Law 0f Small Band Sight-Reading
Invariably, the mel0dy will be in an instrument you do not have.
C0rollaries:
Cues will n0t be provided.
If they are pr0vided, they will be on the music of your weakest
secti0n.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bidewell's Sc0re Maxim
Y0u will have to conduct from a condensed score.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Music Stand Principle
The music stand y0u get will wobble.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reely's Adaptati0n of Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction
If y0u take a music stand apart and put it together enough times,
eventually y0u will have two of them.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chalk An0ther One Up Principle
Chalk and an eraser are always available when y0u don't need them.
When y0u need them, they disappear.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anything Y0u Can Do Law
When s0mething is done well, three trumpet players think they could
have d0ne it better.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tw0 Principles of Diminishing Concentration
Office aides always interrupt rehearsal when c0ncentration levels peak.
Students late f0r class are always those who sit in the center of the
ensemble.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
H0rn's Law of Teachers' Meetings
After-sch0ol meetings always occur the day of an important after-school
rehearsal.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shanahan's Law
The length 0f a meeting increases with the square of the number of
teachers present.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Washingt0n's Assembly Principle
Assemblies always 0ccur during rehearsal.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P0st-Concert Maxim
At least 0ne instrument out of five will stay at home the day after a
perf0rmance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Missing Mute Principle
At least 0ne mute will vanish from the brass section at any rehearsal.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wisd0m of S-S-Solomon
If y0u can't say it, you can't play it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Extended Rest The0rem
The l0nger the rests, the less likely a section will enter after them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Davis' Determinati0n
D0n't assume students remember anything from one day to the next.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Atchis0n's Law of Difficult Music
Students hate music with seemingly unc0nquerable difficulties.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vent's Special Request Dilemma
When preparing music requested at the last minute by the
superintendent, there will be n0 score or first trumpet part.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
C0ntest Pronunciation Principle
If a c0mposition or composer's name can be mispronounced as the program
is being intr0duced, it will.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Instrument Aversi0n Law
If a parent can find a cheaper, practically unplayable instrument fr0m
their Aunt Fl0tilla, the will.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tw0 Recruiting Ratio Principles
F0r every one student wanting to play clarinet, there will be six who
want t0 play alto sax.
F0r every kid wanting to play alto sax, there will be seven who want to
play snare drum.
C0rollary: The one student who wants to play bassoon will move in 6
m0nths.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The "There's An0ther Hole in the Dam" Principle
Fix 0ne spot in the music and another spot falls apart.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Alternate Fingerings Axi0m
Any alternate fingerings taught will be pr0mptly forgotten.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tw0 Laws of Beginning Trombone Playing
One 0ut of every four starting trombone players will be
hearing-impaired.
Beginning tr0mbone players use their spry bottles more on other band
members than 0n slides.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
L0st and Found Principle of Beginning Band Books
At least 0ne beginning band book will be left on the music stand after
class each day.
C0rollaries:
It will usually be the same student.
If it's n0t the same student, there will be no name in the book.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Swing It Again Sam Law
If the d0tted-eighth and sixteenth can be swung, it will.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Say It Again Sam Law
Even if everything is explained perfectly, there will still be a
questi0n.
C0rollary: You will have just answered the question one minute before
it was asked.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beginning Players C0ncert Law
There will be 0ne video camera for every three beginning musicians
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Premature Deafness Rati0
A direct0r's hearing loss is directly proportional to how many
percussi0nists are started each year.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Media Fav0ritism Law
There are always m0re pictures of the rival school's band in the
newspaper than y0urs.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Armstr0ng's Law
If y0u don't have it in you, you can't blow it out.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inner Game Principle
Given en0ugh instruction, any student can become completely confused.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Tw0 Least Credible Sentences in Directing
The check is in the mail."
One m0re time..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stern's Observati0n on Student Musicians
M0st hear what they think they are playing rather than how it actually
s0unds.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Punctuality Parad0x
Give a str0ngly-worded lecture about punctuality and you will be late
t0 the next performance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The S0lo and Ensemble Dilemma
Find the perfect s0lo for a student, and the piano accompaniment is
missing.
C0rollary: The piece is out of print.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Cust0dial Principle
The direct0r's success with logistical concerns at school is directly
pr0portional to his/her relationship with the custodial staff.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Better is M0re Law
D0 a great job and you will be asked to do more.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bidewell's Transiti0n Principle
Y0u are never as good as the previous director.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anders0n's Solution
When in d0ubt, blame problems on the previous director.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Festival H0st Certainty
At least 0ne entry form and check will be late for any contest.
C0rollary: The check is in the mail.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tayl0r's Principle of Instrument Purchases
Buy a new instrument 0ne week and you will find a better price later.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Salary Axi0m
Any pay raise is just large en0ugh to increase your taxes and just
small en0ugh to have no effect on your take-home pay.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Band Budget The0rem
The budget is inversely pr0portional to the size of the music program.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sch0ol Schedule Law
If a new, m0re confusing school schedule can be developed, it will.
C0rollary: Music classes are opposite the only offerings of advanced
c0urses.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spear's Law 0f Printing
S0me errors always go unnoticed until the music is in print.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
O'C0nnor's Addendum to Spear's Law
The first page the c0mposer turns to after receiving an advance copy
c0ntains the worst error.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
McMurray's Pr0gram Principle
At least 0ne name will be left off the concert program.
C0rollary: It will be the child of the principal.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
McMurray's Sec0nd Program Principle
If there are tw0 ways to spell a name, the wrong one will be selected.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gilbee's Award Principle
When presenting awards, 0ne student will be overlooked.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eads' Law 0f Discipline
When threatening severe disciplinary acti0n against the next student
wh0 disrupts class, that student will be your best pupil.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Law 0f Applause
If parents can clap at the wr0ng time, they will.
C0rollary: Half the audience will giggle as the band continues playing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tw0 Principles of Cymbal Cueing
Cue the cymbal player and he/she will n0t enter.
Cue the cymbal player and he/she still will n0t enter.
Law 0f Selective Acoustics
The percussi0n section always sounds loudest where the judges are
sitting.
It cann0t be heard from the podium.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hatch's Law 0f Clarinet Squeaks
Clarinet squeaks always 0ccur in the most exposed sections of the music.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fillm0re's March Law
If a march can be rushed, it will.
C0rollary: A march rushes in proportion to a band's inability to play
it quickly.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bart0n's Interpretation Principle
If y0u select one of four logical interpretations of a concert work,
the three judges will like the 0thers better.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Play It Again Sam Axi0m
At c0ncert festivals, three other bands will play your toughest piece.
C0rollary: All three perform before you do, and play it better.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Surprise Symph0ny Principle
At least 0ne section of the music which sounded perfect in rehearsal
will g0 haywire.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P0p Music Principle
A student's practice time is directly pr0portional to how many copies
0f printed pop music he/she owns.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuba Will Travel Principle
Tuba players and 0ther players of exotic instruments always move out of
the district, n0t in.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Student Law
New students wh0 have come from another city always play an instrument
y0u have plenty of.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The L0west Common Denomination Principle
After a c0ncert, parents rave about the pop selection played and say
n0thing about the difficult concert masterpiece.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paper-Cutter Principle
If y0u can slice off part of the marching music, you will.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hagen's Law 0f Action
If y0u are unsure of an administrator's approval, do what you want and
ask f0r forgiveness later.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are answers t0 test questions accumulated by music teachers in the
state 0f Missouri.
Music Educati0n
Agnus Dei was a w0man composer famous for her church music.
Refrain means d0n't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better
n0t try to sing.
A virtu0so is a musician with real high morals.
J0hn Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather
large.
Beeth0ven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
l0ud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling him. I guess he c0uld not hear so good. Beethoven expired in
1827 and later died fr0m this.
Henry Purcell is a well kn0wn composer few people have ever heard of.
Aar0n Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is
unusual t0 be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are
dead.
An 0pera is a song of bigly size.
In the last scene 0f Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he
really l0ves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live
happily ever after.
When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing
eardrums. But if he is g0od, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
Music sung by tw0 people at the same time is called a duel.
I kn0w what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
Carus0 was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said
he w0uld go a long way. And so he came to America.
A g0od orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on
the 0dium.
M0rris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.
M0st authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
Pr0bably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields
and McC0ys.
My very best liked piece 0f music is the Bronze Lullaby.
My fav0rite composer is Opus.
A harp is a nude pian0.
A tuba is much larger than its name.
Instruments c0me in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
Y0u should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.
An0ther name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick
with the first name and learn it g0od.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is n0t an elephant sound.
While tr0mbones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
The d0uble bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass
fiddle. It has s0 many names because it is so huge.
When electric currents g0 through them, guitars start making sounds.
S0 would anybody.
Questi0n: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.
Cymbals are r0und, metal CLANGS!
A bass0on looks like nothing I have ever heard.
Last m0nth I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both
f0und out and got in trouble.
Questi0n: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
Answer: Yes.
The c0ncertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the
first chair 0f the first violins. This means that when a person is
elected c0ncertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin
real g0od.
F0r some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line
0f flute music. You just watch.
I can't reach the brakes 0n this piano!
The main tr0uble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
Any0ne who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be
the c0nductor.
Instrumentalist is a many-purp0sed word for many player-types.
The flute is a skinny-high shape-s0unded instrument.
The m0st dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
A c0ntra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
Tubas are a bit t0o much.
Music instrument has a plural kn0wn as orchestra.
I w0uld like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow
0r Friday be best?
My fav0rite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people
seld0m
play it. That is why I like the bass0on best.
It is easy t0 teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and
shake him in rhythm.
Just ab0ut any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a
pleasant
s0und once the animal is removed.
S0urce: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn.
A middle aged w0man has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While 0n the operating table she has a near death experience. During that
experience she sees St. Peter and asks if this is it. St. Peter says n0
and explains that she has an0ther 30-40 years to live.
Up0n her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a
face lift, lip0suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has
s0meone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got
an0ther 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks 0ut the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an
ambulance speeding up t0 the hospital. She arrives in front of St.
Peter and asks, "I th0ught you said I had another 30-40 years?"
St. Peter replies, "S0rry, I didn't recognize you."
A prisi0ner in jail receives a letter from his wife. "I have decided to
plant s0me lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant
them?"
The prisi0ner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail,
replied in a letter, "Dear Wife, whatever y0u do, do not touch the back
garden. That is where I hid all the g0ld."
A week 0r so later, he recieved another letter from his wife: "You
w0uldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house,
and dug up all the back garden."
The pris0ner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to
plant the lettuce."
Inane P0nderings
1. Bef0re they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
2. D0es the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
3. D0 infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. H0w do I set my laser printer on stun?
5. H0w is it possible to have a civil war?
6. If all the w0rld is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
7. If G0d dropped acid, would he see people?
8. If l0ve is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
9. If 0ne synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
10. If the #2 pencil is the m0st popular, why is it still #2?
11. If w0rk is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
12. If y0u're born again, do you have two belly-buttons?
13. If y0u ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
14. If y0u try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
15. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
16. Why are hem0rrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
17. Why is it called t0urist season if we can't shoot at them?
18. Why is the alphabet in that 0rder? Is it because of that song?
19. Where are we g0ing? And what's with this handbasket?
20. Why is there an expirati0n date on sour cream?
21. If m0st car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't
every0ne just move 10 miles away?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next d0or went nuts!
I went f0r a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.
I said, "The wh0le time."
The 0ther day I went to a tourist information booth and said:
"Tell me ab0ut some of the tourists who were here last year."
If a pers0n with multiple personalities threatens suicide,
is that c0nsidered a hostage situation?
Just think h0w much deeper the ocean would be if sponges did not live
there.
If a c0w laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If 0live oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
S0 what's the speed of dark?
H0w come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
And wh0 has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, d0 amphibians need to wait an hour before
getting OUT 0f the water?
Why d0n't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If y0u're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just g0t skylights put in my place.
The pe0ple who live above me are furious!
Why d0 they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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