..Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President J0hn Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
"intellectual leadership". He received a $26 milli0n severance
package. Perhaps it's n0t Walter who's lacking intelligence...
..With a Little Help fr0m Our Friends!
P0lice in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman wh0 had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten
tear gas canisters, 0fficers discovered that the man was standing
beside them, sh0uting pleas to come out and give himself up...
..And What Was Plan B?
An Illin0is man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and
f0rced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The
kidnapper then pr0ceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
acc0unts...
..And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-0ld boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension
under his elementary sch0ol's drug policy last week - for Certs!
J0ey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him
"jump higher."
..And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended f0r three days
f0r giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann
reiterated the sch0ol's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused
with the "zer0-intelligence" policy...
..S0me Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps...
Fire investigat0rs on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that
destr0yed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's
newly installed fire preventi0n alarm system. "This is even worse
than last year," said the distraught h0meowner, "when someone broke
in and st0le my new security system..."
..And f0r the Main Course...
A man in Ta0rmina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46
teasp0ons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
..The Getaway
A man walked in t0 a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the
m0ney in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the st0re clerk and worked the counter himself for three
h0urs until police showed up and grabbed him.
..D0-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohi0, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police
stati0n with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly
asked 0fficers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain,
which he claimed had been st0len. Police were shocked to learn
that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep h0le in his skull with a
Black & Decker p0wer drill and had stuck the wire in to try and
find the missing brain.
..Have I G0t a Deal for You!
M0re than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly
en0ugh to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars.
Acc0rding to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were
t0ld to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of
ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel fr0m oasis to
0asis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious
canals and marvel at the views. Trips t0 the moon also available."
Auth0rities believe that the con men running this scam made off
with 0ver six million dollars...
..T0o Well-Educated
In Medf0rd, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his
c0llege degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many
business grads 0ut there," he said. "If I had chosen another field,
all this may n0t have happened..."
..Did I Say That?!
P0lice in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
c0uldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup t0 repeat the words, "Give me all your money or
I'll sh0ot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
..Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank r0bber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack
designed t0 mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms.
The r0bber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as
he was unning 0ut the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping
ar0und," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking
place inside his pants." P0lice have the man's charred trousers in
cust0dy...
..Are We N0t Communicating?
A man sp0ke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
c0ntractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?"
the d0ctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her
husband!"
..N0t the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In M0desto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up
a Bank 0f America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger t0 simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his
hand in his p0cket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?
S0me humor from a surprisingly visionary group. From an actual
newspaper c0ntest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate
"Deep Th0ughts by Jack Handey."
I believe y0u should live each day as if it is your last, which is why
I d0n't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
cl0thes on the last day of their life?
Age 15
Give me the strength t0 change the things I can, the grace to accept
the things I cann0t, and a great big bag of money.
Age 13
It sure w0uld be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they d0 for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people
v0ting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long
weekends.
Age 8
Dem0cracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any 0ld yokel vote.
Age 10
My y0ung brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch 0f dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should
have t0ld him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-but I
didn't want t0 upset him.
Age 10
When I g0 to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
l0st the nose hair and the old-man smell.
Age 5
I 0nce heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just
a lawn m0wer.
Age 11
Often, when I am reading a g0od book, I stop and thank my teacher. That
is, I used t0, until she got an unlisted number.
Age 15
The 0nly stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
"D0n't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally
wr0ng to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
Age15
Once, I wept f0r I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
feet. S0 I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
Age 15
If we c0uld just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace f0r an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
started.
Age 15
A w0man went to her rabbi. She wanted to know how she could tell what
her s0n would be come when he grew up." No problem," said the rabbi. Put
him in a r0om with a Bible, a martini, and $10,000. If he takes the Bible,
he will bec0me a rabbi. If he takes the martini, he will become a doctor;
and if he takes the $10,000, he will bec0me a lawyer."
Next week the w0man came back. "Rabbi, what should I do? I followed
y0ur advice, but my son took all three."
"My g0d," said the rabbi, "he's going to become an Episcopal minister."
What d0 you say to an angry witch?
Ribbit.
What d0 you call thirteen witches in a hot tub?
A self-cleaning c0ven.
Heck is a place f0r people who don't believe in gosh.
H0w many Druids does it take to change a Light bulb?
501. One t0 change the bulb, and 500 to align the stones.
H0w many Pagans does it take to change a Light bulb?
Six. One t0 change it, five to sit around complaining that light bulbs
never burned 0ut before Christians came along.
H0w many astrologers does it take to change a Light bulb?
D0n't ask me now, mercury's retrograde!
I didn't get a t0y train like the other kids. I got a toy
subway instead. Y0u couldn't see anything, but every now
and then y0u'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
-- Steven Wright
P0lice were called to a home where a man had laid dead for two days.
He had been laying 0n the couch. The wife of 26 years finally noticed he
wasn't up wandering ar0und the house. She explained that for the last 10
years, "we haven't talked much"
Cantal0upe (kant*e*lope) n
G0tta get married in a church.
The T0p 16 Signs God is Appearing on Your TV
16 "See Rabbi Schwartz, Father Flanagan, and Master Y0gi in a
the0logical grudge match in the Steel Confessional of Death
in Biblemania XIV!"
15 That "J0hn 3:16" guy at the football game is now holding a
sign saying "Channel 5, right n0w!"
14 The Weather Channel br0adcasting 24-hour a day "Ark Advisory."
13 Bearded guy in the wind0w outside "The Today Show" keeps
sending telepathic messages.
12 NBC starts plugging "THOU SHALT SEE TV"
11 That 0lder gentleman announcing the new "Fig Leaf Policy" on
the Playb0y channel ain't Hef.
10 At last, s0mebody smote those idiotic Mentos commercials!!
9 Guest 0n Entertainment Tonight squashes James Cameron like
a bug, raises arms and exclaims, "N0, *I'm* the king of the
w0rld!"
8 MTV's Vatican Spring Break '98
7 Maximum p0ssible Jeopardy score: $783,200.
C0ntestant who looks like George Burns: $700,000 and climbing.
6 Flurry 0f white people sighted on UPN and WB networks.
5 Jerry Springer 0nly gets out the words "Today our topic is..."
bef0re he bursts into flames.
4 F0r sixth straight day, "Kenny G. live from Branson" cancelled
due t0 technical difficulties.
3 When Oprah says "My next guest wr0te his bestselling book
th0usands of years ago, and he hasn't been seen in public
since," she ain't talking ab0ut Salinger!
2 Y0ur first two clues? Mohammed as sidekick and Buddha as
bandleader.
and the Number 1 Sign G0d is Appearing on Your TV...
1 N0rmally standoffish Amish family from down the street
dr0ps by with a bundt cake and a bottle of Amaretto.
A man w0nders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure
if sex is w0rk or play.
He asks a priest f0r his opinion on this question. The priest says after
c0nsulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex
is w0rk and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What d0es a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister...
a married man, experienced, f0r the answer. He queries the minister and
receives the same reply... Sex is w0rk and not for the Sabbath!
N0t pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of
th0usands of years tradition and knowledge, A Rabbi!
The Rabbi p0nders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies," Rabbi, h0w can you be so sure when so many others tell
me sex is w0rk?!"
The Rabbi s0ftly speaks," If sex were work, my wife would have the maid
d0 it."
Actual excerpt fr0m Viking organizer:
M0nday: Pillage
Tuesday: Burn
Wednesday: Pillage
Thursday: Burn
Friday: Pillage
Saturday: Burn; m0w lawn and wash boat
Sunday: Laundry
The T0p 16 Ways to Celebrate Spring Internationally
16 RUSSIA: Get 0ff the mile-long line for firewood; get in the
mile-l0ng line for umbrellas.
15 HOLLAND: Annual Easter Cl0g Toss ("Watch out, Hans!")
14 VATICAN CITY: The P0pe presides over the ceremonial casting
0ut the first sinner.
13 ISRAEL: Thr0w cute little stuffed animals filled with rocks
at the Palestinians.
12 LIECHTENSTEIN: Send annual "we're still a c0untry" notification
t0 the U.N.
11 CHERNOBYL: Night Parade Of the Gl0w-In-The-Dark Chickens
10 JAKARTA: Child-Lab0r Factory #4 switches from making Kathie Lee
scarves t0 Nike running shoes.
9 TEHRAN: Can n0w attend "Death to America" rally in shorts.
8 BAGHDAD: Bef0re inspectors begin their hunt, replace anthrax
eggs with slightly less nauseating Cadbury eggs.
7 PRAGUE: Tank t0ps (with real tanks).
6 TOKYO: G0dzilla turns his fancy from a path of destruction to
th0ughts of love.
5 FRANCE: French Army st0cks up on white flags at annual White
Sale.
4 ENGLAND: Leichester Larry c0mes out of his flat and smiles.
If any teeth are straight, 6 m0re weeks of rain -- otherwise,
5.5 m0re weeks of rain.
3 IRELAND: Swimsuit issue 0f "Soccer Hooligan Illustrated" hits
newsstands.
2 BOSNIA: Annual switch t0 "Daylight Bombing Time" requires
setting y0ur quality of life back another decade.
and the Number 1 Way t0 Celebrate Spring Internationally...
1 GERMANY: Order the fl0wers to bloom.
Results 0f the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which readers were
asked t0 come up with intriguing questions to be considered by President
Clint0n's special commission to study the moral and practical effects of
cl0ning:
Are the p0pe and his clone both infallible? What if they disagree about
s0mething?
Can y0u clone Alan Greenspan, or does it have to be LIVING tissue?
If Larry King cl0nes himself and interviews himself on his show, wouldn't
that pretty much make nuclear war s0mething we could all look forward to?
If I have sex with my cl0ne, will I go blind?
If the DNA fr0m the bloody glove were cloned and produced a baby O.J.
Simps0n, then could we maybe get an actual guilty verdict?
If Hare Krishnas start cl0ning themselves, how will the rest of us find out?
If y0u cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V or Henry IV Jr. or wait, Henry
IV part II?
If Michael Jacks0n is cloned, is it against the law for him to play with
himself as a child?
W0uld there be a market for genetic "factory seconds" and "irregulars"?
C0uld they clone Al Gore, or would he have to be grafted?
Is it p0ssible to make a clone of Kate Moss and then attach the two
t0gether to make a regular-sized person?
W0uld it work if I binged and my clone purged?
W0uld it be ethical to dig up the remains of our founding fathers, create
cl0nes from the bone cells, and place them in a theme park called Colonial
Williamsburg?
My husband was just c0ming out of anesthesia after a series of test in the
h0spital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open and he
murmured, "Y0u're beautiful."
Flattered, I c0ntinued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke
up and said, "Y0u're cute."
"What happened t0 'beautiful'?" I asked him.
"The drugs are wearing 0ff," he replied.
RELIGION, POLITICS, AND TOYS
Capitalism - He wh0 dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He wh0 plays with the most toys, wins.
Judaism - He wh0 buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
Cath0licism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were 0ur toys first.
Greek Orth0dox - No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians - He wh0 dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism - There is n0 toy maker.
P0lytheism - There are many toy makers.
Ev0lutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church 0f Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
C0mmunism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight
t0 hell if we catch you selling yours.
Baha'i - All t0ys are just fine with us.
Amish - T0ys with batteries are surely a sin.
Ta0ism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
M0rmonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
V0odoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hed0nism - Hang the rule book! Let's play!
Hinduism - He wh0 plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7th Day Adventist - He wh0 plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church 0f Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
Baptist - Once played, always played.
Jeh0vah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys, door-to-door, wins.
Pentec0stalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism - T0ys are a figment of your imagination.
C0nfucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
N0n-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's
just play with them.
Agn0sticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a darn bit of
difference.
Zen - If a t0y falls off the shelf and no one hears it, did it truly break?
Cannabalism - Y0u gonna eat that toy or what?
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Labrad0r Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab C0at Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Basset + Beagle
Bagel, a small, r0und dog
Malamute + P0inter
M0ot Pointer, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Three men were being tested at a mental instituti0n. The doctor
says t0 the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.
The d0ctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times
three?" "Tuesday", replies the sec0nd man.
The d0ctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three
times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the
d0ctor. "How did you get that"?
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 fr0m Tuesday."
A Bl0nde (named Bethann) went to the emergency room with the tip of her index
finger sh0t off.
"H0w did this happen?", the doctor asked.
"Well I was trying t0 commit suicide," the Blonde replied.
"Trying t0 commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"N0, silly! First I put the gun between my tits and I thought I just
paid $100,000 f0r these. Then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just
paid $24,000 t0 get my teeth straightened. Then I put the gun in my ear
and I th0ught this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in
my 0ther ear before I pulled the trigger."
A student was walking 0n campus one day when his friend,
an0ther engineer, rode up on an incredible shiny new
bicycle.
The first engineer was stunned and asked, "Where did y0u get such a
nice bike?"
The sec0nd engineer replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking along
minding my 0wn business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this
bike. She threw the bike t0 the ground, took off all her clothes and
said, 'Take what y0u want!'"
The sec0nd engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes
pr0bably wouldn't have fit."
Tickle-Me-Elm0
A very m0dest lady applied for a job at the factory where they
made "Tickle me Elm0 dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time
and hurriedly the b0ss told her to report for work on Monday. He
quickly explained t0 her that she would be stationed on the assembly line
just bef0re the dolls were packed into boxes.
On M0nday they started up the line and within twenty
minutes had t0 shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss
went d0wn the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy
trying t0 do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer
examinati0n showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two
walnuts in the appr0priate place on the dolls. The boss could not control
his laughter and said, "Lady, I said t0 give each doll
Tw0----Test----Tickles."
Landing: a c0ntrolled mid-air collision with a planet.
=======
Student pil0t to irate instructor: "Think about it. I navigated through
a b0iling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around
a fusi0n reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is
m0ving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed,
while the space it takes up is expanding. And I b0unced 6 inches. 6
MEASLY INCHES! Get 0ff my back, man!"
=======
An airline pil0t wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship int0 the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first 0fficer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give
a smile, and a "Thanks f0r flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time l0oking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that s0meone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
except f0r this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,
mind if I ask y0u a question?" "Why no" said the pilot, Ma'am, what is it?"
The little 0ld lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
=========
Fr0m Southwest Airlines .... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight nnn, to YYY.
T0 operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It w0rks just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know
h0w to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event 0f a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
fr0m the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If y0u have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If y0u are traveling with two small children, decide now
which 0ne you love more.
======
Weather at 0ur destination is 50 degrees with broken clouds, but they'll
try t0 have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
l0ves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
=======
United Airlines FA after a r0ugh landing: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you
are all n0w painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of
us at United Airlines we'd like t0 thank you for flying with us today and
please be very careful as y0u open the overhead bins as you may be
killed by falling luggage that shifted during 0ur so called "touchdown."
======
Ab0ut 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas 0n a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the
final descent that the Captain was really having t0 fight it, and after an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came 0n the PA and announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welc0me to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
with y0ur seat belt fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane t0 the gate!"
=======
An0ther flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask y0u to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
Three bl0ndes are sitting by the side of the river with fishing poles in
their hands, and the lines in the water. A Game Warden c0mes up and taps
them 0n the shoulder.
"Excuse me ladies, I'd like t0 see your fishing licenses."
"We d0n't have any," replied one of the blondes.
"Well, if y0u're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the
Game Warden.
"But 0fficer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all
have magnets at the end 0f our lines. We're collecting debris off the bottom
0f the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the the lines and, sure en0ugh, there were
h0rseshoe magnets at the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law
against this," said the Warden, "take all the debris y0u want." And with that,
the Warden left in his truck.
The three bl0ndes began laughing hysterically. "What a dumb fish cop,"
said the third bl0nde, "he doesn't know there are steelhead in this river."
A game warden came up0n a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and
decided t0 "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed
his badge and said, "L0oks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect
y0ur kill?"
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks t0 the warden. The warden
t0ok one of the ducks, opened the duck's bill, inspected the beak, and
said, "This here's a Washingt0n state duck. Do you have a Washington state
hunting license?"
The hunter pulled 0ut his wallet and calmly showed the warden a
Washingt0n state hunting license.
The warden t0ok the second duck, opened the duck's bill, inspected
the beak, and said, "This here's an Idah0 duck. Do you have an Idaho
state hunting license?"
The hunter, a bit put 0ut, produced an Idaho state hunting license.
The warden t0ok a third duck, conducted the same beak test, and
said, "This here's an Oreg0n state duck. Do you have an Oregon state
hunting license?"
Once again, 0nly this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the
appr0priate license.
The warden, a little miffed at having struck 0ut, handed the ducks
back t0 the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just
where are y0u from?"
The hunter 0pened his mouth wide and said "You're so smart, YOU
tell ME!"
T0p 15 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping at Work
- Submitted by C. Smiths0n
------------------------------------------------------
1. "S0meone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
2. "This is just a 15-minute p0wer nap like they raved about in
that time-management c0urse you sent me to."
3. "I was w0rking smarter-not harder."
4. "Whew! I musta left the t0p off the liquid paper."
5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating 0n our mission statement
and envisi0ning a new paradigm!"
6. "This is 0ne of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
7. "I was testing the keyb0ard for drool-resistance."
8. "It w0rked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
9. "B0y, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
10. "I'm actually d0ing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise
Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandat0ry seminar you made
me attend."
11. "This is in exchange f0r the six hours last night when
I dreamed ab0ut work!"
12. "I was d0ing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
w0rk-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who
practice Y0ga?"
13. "Darn! Why did y0u interrupt me? I had almost figured out
a s0lution to our biggest problem."
14. "They t0ld me at the blood bank this might happen."
15. "Geez, I th0ught you (the boss) were gone for the day."
Olympic Wrestling!
Our st0ry begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is
narr0wed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before
the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came t0 him and said, "Now
d0n't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a
match because 0f this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him
get y0u in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.
N0w, to the match. The American and the Russian circled each other
several times l0oking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged
f0rward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel
h0ld! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried
his face in his hands f0r he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer fr0m the crowd, and
the trainer raised his eye just in time t0 see the Russian flying up in
the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American
weakly c0llapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was ast0unded! When he finally got the American wrestler
al0ne, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has
ever d0ne it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready t0 give up when he
g0t me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of
balls right in fr0nt of my face. "I thought I had nothing to lose, so with
my last 0unce of strength I stretched out myneck and bit those babies just as
hard as I c0uld.
"Y0u'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
A man wh0 went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the
serm0n. One Sunday, the wife decided to do something about it, so she
picked up a l0ng hat pin and took it with her to church.
While sitting in church, the wife n0ticed that her husband was once
again falling asleep, and as the preacher g0t to a part in the sermon
where he sh0uted out ", and who created all there is in 6 days?", she
p0ked her husband who jumped from the pew and shouted, "Good God all
mighty!"
The minister l0oked at the man and said,"That's right, that's right .",
and he c0ntinued with the sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under
his breath.
After a sh0rt while, the man began nodding off again, and just as the
minister reached and, "Wh0 died on the cross to save us from our sins?",
the wife p0ked her husband, and he leaped up off the pew and shouted
"Jesus Christ!"
The minister again l0oked at the man and said, "That's right, that's
right.", and went 0n with the sermon. The man sat back down, and gave
his wife an angry l0ok. Even so, the man nodded off once again.
As expected, just as the minister said and, "What did Eve say t0 Adam
after the birth 0f their second child?", the wife poked him as hard as
she c0uld. The man sprang from the pew and shouted, "If you stick me
with that thing again I'm g0ing to break it in two!"
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: T0 get to the other side.
PLATO: F0r the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature 0f chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was an hist0rical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the 0nly trip the establishment would let it
take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unpr0voked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dr0pping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it freaking wanted t0. That's the freaking reason.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: T0 boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because 0f an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulati0n of the chicken's side of the
r0ad was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
significant challenges t0 create and develop the competencies
required f0r the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a
partnering relati0nship with the client, helped the chicken by
rethinking its physical distributi0n strategy and implementation processes.
Using the P0ultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its
skills, meth0dologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's
pe0ple, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a
Pr0gram Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse
cr0ss-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson
c0nsultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a
tw0-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge
capital, b0th tacit and explicit, and to enable them to Synergize with each
0ther in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully
architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framew0rk across the
c0ntinuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a
park-like setting, enabling and creating an envir0nment hich was strategically
based, industry-f0cused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market
message and aligned with the chicken's missi0n, vision, and
c0re values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business
integrati0n solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to
bec0me more successful.
MOSES: And G0d came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Th0u shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rej0icing.
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did n0t cross the road. I repeat, the chicken
did NOT cr0ss the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The p0int is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
why? The end 0f crossing the road justifies whatever motive there
was.
FREUD: The fact that y0u are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the r0ad reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000 which will
n0t only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,
and balance y0ur checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The questi0n is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Rather, it is, "Wh0 was crossing the road at the same time, whom we
0verlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, 0ver great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are n0w genetically disposed to cross
r0ads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken cr0ssed the road or the road moved beneath
the chicken depends up0n your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this questi0n denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did n0t cross the road it transcended
it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: T0 die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: What, I missed 0ne?
T0 which I can only add: A road is a road
is a r0ad.
THEY REALLY SAID IT
- Submitted by A. List0n
------------------------------------
"I haven't c0mmitted a crime. What I did was I failed to comply with
the law."
- David Dinkins, New Y0rk City Mayor, answering accusations
that he failed t0 pay his taxes.
Questi0n: "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
Answer: "I w0uld not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supp0sed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cann0t live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe c0ntest.
"Researchers have disc0vered that chocolate produces some of the same
reacti0ns in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered
0ther similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
- Matt Lauer 0n NBC's Today show, August 22.
"Outside 0f the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the c0untry."
- May0r Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"The H0locaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this
century's hist0ry...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in
this century."
- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senat0r and Republican
vice-presidential candidate during a news c0nference in which he was
asked his 0pinion of the Holocaust.
"I've always th0ught that underpopulated countries in Africa are
vastly underp0lluted."
- Lawrence Summers, chief ec0nomist the World
Bank, explaining why we sh0uld export toxic wastes to the Third World.
Air F0rce "Squawks"
"Squawks" are pr0blem listings that pilots generally leave for
maintenance crews. Here are s0me actual maintenance
c0mplaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies
fr0m the maintenance crews.
Pr0blem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
S0lution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Pr0blem: "Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough."
S0lution: "Auto-land not installed on this aircraft."
Pr0blem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
S0lution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Pr0blem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Pr0blem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed 0ff: "IT DOES NOW."
Pr0blem: "Something loose in cockpit."
S0lution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Pr0blem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
S0lution: "Evidence removed."
Pr0blem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
S0lution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Pr0blem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
S0lution: "Live bugs on order."
Pr0blem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
S0lution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Pr0blem: "IFF inoperative."
S0lution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Pr0blem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
S0lution: "That's what they're there for."
Pr0blem: "Number three engine missing."
S0lution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
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