and talent had g0ne into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The
three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. T0tally unable to come up
with a reas0n or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik St0p" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter
ab0ut the helmets.She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You silly
Yankees never d0 read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply c0uldn't recall anything about firemen
in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible fr0m behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages,
and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise
men came fr0m afar.'"
A panda walks int0 a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He
eats the sandwich, pulls 0ut a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As
the panda stands up t0 go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you
g0ing? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your
sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a
PANDA! L0ok it up!"
The manager 0pens his dictionary and sees the following definition
f0r panda:
"A tree dwelling marsupial 0f Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black and white c0loring. Eats shoots and leaves."
The Eur0pean Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the
0fficial language of the European Community (EU) - rather than German (the other
p0ssibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling had s0me room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in
0f new rules that would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish. The
agreed plan is as f0llows: In year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with j0y. The hard 'c' will be replased by 'k'. This should
klear up k0nfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.
There will be gr0wing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' is
replased by 'f'. This will reduse "f0tograf' by 20%.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptance 0f the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the
stage where m0re komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the
rem0val of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al
wil agre that the h0rible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful, and they
sh0uld eliminat them.
By year 4, pe0pl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and
'w' with 'v' (saving m0r keyboard spas). During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be
dr0pd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
k0mbinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be n0 mor trubls or difikultis
and evrivun vil find it ezi t0 understand ech ozer
Sign in a Laundr0mat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL
YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a L0ndon department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an 0ffice: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FUTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an 0ffice: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church d0or: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS
DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE
DOOR.)
English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
Outside a sec0nd-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL
BARGAIN?
Sign 0utside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales.
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED
AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN T0MORROW.
Outside a ph0tographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH; IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT
FOR DINNER ALSO.
Seen at the side 0f a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING
FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disc0: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE
WELCOME
Sign warning 0f quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT
WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICK COUNCIL
N0tice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING
PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH
RELATIVE BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
N0tice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR
MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF
Sign 0n motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.
YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.
N0tice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Sp0tted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
N0tice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message 0n a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW
TO GET LESSONS
Sign 0n a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD
ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sp0tted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Sign in a Japanese h0tel: SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS
Sign in Egyptian h0tel: IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR
AND SHOUT, "ROOM SERVICE!"
H0w to Sing The Blues
1. M0st blues begin "woke up this morning."
2. "I g0t a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
stick s0mething nasty in the next line.
I g0t a good woman-
with the meanest d0g in town.
3. Blues are simple. After y0u have the first line right, repeat it.
Then find s0mething that rhymes. Sort of.
G0t a good woman
with the meanest d0g in town.
He g0t teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs ab0ut 500 pounds.
4. The blues are n0t about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
transp0rtation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin'
plays a maj0r part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues
adulth0od means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a
man in Memphis.
7. Y0u can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
Queens. Hard times in Verm0nt or North Dakota are just a depression.
Chicag0, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have
the blues.
8. The f0llowing colors do not belong in the blues:
a. vi0let
b. beige
c. mauve
9. Y0u can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the
lighting is wr0ng.
10. G0od places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailh0use
c. the empty bed
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery 0penings
c. weekend in the Hampt0ns
11. N0 one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen t0 be an old black man.
12. D0 you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. y0ur first name is a southern state-like Georgia
b. y0u're blind
c. y0u shot a man in Memphis.
d. y0u can't be satisfied.
N0, if:
a. y0u were once blind but now can see.
b. y0u're deaf
c. y0u have a trust fund.
13. Neither Juli0 Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
14. If y0u ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine k0sher for Passover
c. Y0o Hoo (all flavors)
15. If it 0ccurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jeal0us lover is a blues way to die.
S0 is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment
in an emergency r0om. It is not a blues death if you die during
a lip0suction treatment.
16. S0me Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
17. S0me Blues Names for Men
a. J0e
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
Pers0ns with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to
sing the blues n0 matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name 0f Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see ab0ve) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name 0f President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
18. Epitaph 0n a blues musician's tombstone:
"I didn't wake up this m0rning"
--------------------
- A bus stati0n is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
st0ps. On my desk I have a work station...
- Can atheists get insurance f0r acts of God?
- If Fed Ex and UPS were t0 merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- D0es fuzzy logic tickle?
- If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, w0uld they charge it with
battery?
- I believe five 0ut of four people have trouble with fractions.
- H0w come you never hear about gruntled employees?
- H0w much faith does it take to be an atheist?
- I d0n't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
- If a tin whistle is made 0ut of tin (and it is), then what, exactly,
is f0g horn made out of?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what f0ol came up
with, "Quit while y0u're ahead"?
- If atheists say there is n0 God, who do they think pops up the next
Kleenex in the b0x?
- Okay, wh0 stopped the payment on my reality check?
- I believe the 0nly time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm
in the bathr0om.
- D0 Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- What hair c0lor do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- What WAS the best thing bef0re sliced bread?
1) I can please 0nly one person per day. Today is not your day.
T0morrow isn't looking good either.
2) Never put 0ff until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
3) Every0ne has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
4) On the keyb0ard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
5) Please, L0rd, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
6) D0es vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
7) Y0ung at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
8) Time is Nature's way 0f making sure that everything doesn't
G0 Wrong at once.
9) The tr0uble with being in the rat race is that even if you win,
y0u're still a rat.
10) I l0athe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts t0 bite people themselves.
11) If swimming is s0 good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
12) There's n0 speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
13) It is much easier t0 apologize than to ask permission.
14) There are tw0 rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell
everything y0u know.
15) D0 unto others, then run.....................
S0me employment jargon is defined here for your convenience:
1."COMPETITIVE SALARY":
We remain c0mpetitive by paying less than our competitors.
2."JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY":
We have n0 time to train you.
3."CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE":
We d0n't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of
the real daring guys wear earrings.
4."MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED":
Y0u'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
5."SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED":
S0me time each night and some time each weekend.
6."DUTIES WILL VARY":
Any0ne in the office can boss you around.
7."MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL":
We have n0 quality control.
8."CAREER-MINDED":
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
9."APPLY IN PERSON":
If y0u're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
10."NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE":
We've filled the j0b; our call for resume is just a legal formality.
11."SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: "
Y0u'll need it to replace three people who just left.
12."PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST":
Y0u're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
13."REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS":
Y0u'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or
respect.
14."GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS":
Management c0mmunicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do
it.
THINGS TO PONDER.......
If a man is standing in the middle 0f the forest speaking and there is
n0 woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a deaf pers0n swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If s0meone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it c0nsidered a hostage situation?
Is there an0ther word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that d0ctors call what they do "practice?"
When sign makers g0 on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where d0 forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Why isn't there m0use-flavored cat food?
What d0 you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
W0uld a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why d0 they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
If a stealth b0mber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle d0esn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why d0n't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the p0lice arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
Why d0 they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
H0w do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why d0 they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pil0ts wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals d0n't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is n0 egg in
eggplant n0r ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England 0r french fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are
meat.
We take English f0r granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can w0rk slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
pig is neither fr0m Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers d0n't fing, grocers
d0n't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural 0f booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one
m0ose, 2 meese?
D0esn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one
amend, that y0u can comb through the annals of history but not a
single annal? If y0u have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all
but 0ne of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't
preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what d0es a
humanitarian eat? If y0u wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your
t0ngue?
S0metimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to
an asylum f0r the verbally insane. In what language do people recite
at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send carg0 by ship?
Have n0ses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive
0n parkways?
H0w can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are 0pposites? How can overlook and
0versee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How
can the weather be h0t as hell one day and cold as hell on another?
Have y0u ever noticed that we talk about certain things only when
they are absent? Have y0u ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful
g0wn? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run
int0 someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly, or pecable? And
where are all th0se people who *are* spring chickens or who actualy
*w0uld* hurt a fly?
Y0u have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a
language in which y0ur house can burn up as it burns down, in which
y0u fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes
0ff by going on.
English was invented by pe0ple, not computers, and
it reflects the creativity 0f the human race (which, of course, is a
species, and n0t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out,
they are visible, but when the lights are 0ut, they are invisible. And
why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this
essay, I end it.
Y0u know you're a redneck when...
1. M0re than one living relative is named after a southern civil war
general.
2. Y0ur front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3. Y0u've ever used lard in bed.
4. Y0ur home has more miles on it than your car.
5. Y0u think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
6. There is a stuffed p0ssum anywhere in your house.
7. Y0u consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half 0f your cars run.
9. Y0ur mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
State Tr0oper to kiss her ass.
10. The primary c0lor of your car is "bondo".
11. Y0u honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and
seductive t0ngue gestures.
12. Y0u stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and
c0usin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Y0ur family tree doesn't fork.
14. Y0ur wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Y0ur mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports
event.
17. Y0u've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
18. The best way t0 keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
19. The neighb0rs started a petition over your Christmas lights.
20. Y0ur brother-in-law is your uncle.
21. Y0u have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the
Bandit" was snubbed f0r best picture.
22. Y0ur only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle
0f ketchup.
23. The rear tires 0n your car are at least twice as wide as the front
0nes.
24. Y0u consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25. Y0u prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.
26. Y0u use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27. The dipl0ma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking
Institute".
28. Y0ur mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
29. Y0u've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
30. Y0ur favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
31. Y0u think that Don Perignon is a mafia leader.
32. The m0st commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell
are y0u looking at, Shithead?"
33. Y0u think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food
gr0ups.
34. Y0u think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
35. The first w0rds out of your mouth every time you see friends are
"H0wdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If
they resp0nd with the same... they're a redneck too!)
36. Y0u have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37. Y0ur father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening
0n the lube rack.
38. Y0u think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
39. Y0u think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all
time.
40. Y0u've been too drunk to fish.
41. Y0u had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42. Y0u've ever used a weedeater indoors.
43. Y0u have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44. Y0u look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
45. Y0u have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
46. Y0ur richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him
rem0ve the wheels.
47. Y0u've ever financed a tattoo.
48. Y0ur idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
49. Y0u go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
50. Y0u have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
51. Y0ur lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52. S0meone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
53. Y0ur Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
54. The directi0ns to your house include "turn off the paved road".
55. Y0ur dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56. Y0ur kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those
Y0semite Sam mudflaps.
57. Y0u owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58. Y0u have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59. Jack Daniels makes y0ur list of "most admired people".
60. Y0u won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
61. Y0ur dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62. Y0u have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
63. Y0u have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
64. Y0u have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good
time call . .", because y0u feel guilty
ab0ut putting it there...
65. Redman sends y0u a Christmas card.
66. Y0u bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
67. Y0ur dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
68. Y0ur wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69. Y0ur house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70. Y0u have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia
0n My Mind".
71. Y0u call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
72. Y0u consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it
in pris0n.
73. Y0u have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
74. Y0u need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
H0use of Tattoos.
75. Y0u need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
76. After making l0ve you ask your date to roll down the window.
77. The biggest fashi0n risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H
Fair.
78. Y0u have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
79. S0meone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush
it."
80. Y0ur wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
81. Y0u mow your lawn and find a car.
82. If g0ing to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on
sh0es (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
83. Y0u go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you
0nly need to buy one gift.
84. Y0u are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the
S0uth will rise again.
85. Y0u consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
86. Y0u have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87. Y0u participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
88. Y0u roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
89. Y0u consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid
flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90. There is a sheet hanging in y0ur closet and a gun rack hanging in your
truck.
91. Y0u think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
92. Y0u've ever made change in the offering plate.
93. If the fifth grade is referred t0 as "your senior year".
94. Y0u consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm
bel0w the shirt sleeve...
95. Y0u own at least 20 baseball hats.
96. Y0u know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball
hat.
97. Y0u can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
98. When y0u run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99. Y0ur biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one
what hangs 'r0und over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
100. Three quarters 0f the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
101. When y0u leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the
Bureau 0f Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about
is if y0u can lose them or not.
102. y0u have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
103. Y0ur gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
104. "H0ney? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake
set?" is what y0u hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.
105. Y0ur `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
106. Y0u'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
107. Y0u have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
108. Y0ur belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
109. Y0u think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
110. Y0u have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
111. Y0u own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. Y0u've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
113. Y0u have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your
fireplace.
114. Y0u just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
116. There are f0ur or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
117. The theme s0ng at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
118. It's easier t0 spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
119. Y0u think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the
three 0f the primary colors.
120. Y0u've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend
y0ur sister's honor.
121. Y0u idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
122. Y0ur vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
123. The t0bacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
124. Yer m0m calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her
h0use.
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.
126. Ya have t0 check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get
grandma a new plug 0f tobacco.
127. F0replay consists of slipping off her saddle.
128. Ya can't get married t0 yer sweetheart cause there is a law against
it.
129. Ya celebrate gr0undhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
130. Y0u've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
131. Y0u fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
132. When a sign that says "Say N0 To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your
jeans.
133. Helping y0ur cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of
taking the wheels 0ff his doublewide (in memory of Chris "No House"
Sk0wronski)...
134. Y0ur beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your
h0me town.
135. Y0u wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
136. Getting a package fr0m your post office requires a full tank of gas in
the truck.
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a vide0tape, it's "Ladies Night" at
the l0cal bar.
138. Y0ur wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the
new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall cl0ck.
139. Y0u dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
140. Y0u're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will
Always L0ve You".
141. D0lly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.
142. Y0u grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
143. Y0ur Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
(Clint0n true-life story)
145. The m0st serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty
rec0rd collection (your insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
146. Y0u actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan
Jacks0n.
147. Y0u have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
148. Y0u've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
149. Y0u can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
150. Y0ur mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
151. Y0u've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
152. Exx0n and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
153. Y0ur dad is also your favorite uncle.
154. Y0u own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
155. Y0u've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.
H0me!!
Tennessee:
A man successfully br0ke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's
vide0 camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the
vide0tape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get
the vide0tape of himself stealing the camera.)
L0uisiana:
A man walked int0 a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked
f0r change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun
and asked f0r all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
pr0vided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-leaving the $20
bill 0n the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?
Fifteen d0llars. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money,
was a crime c0mmitted?)
Arkansas:
Seems this guy wanted s0me beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just thr0w a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
b0oze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head at the wind0w. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be
thief 0n the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store
wind0w was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on
vide0tape.
New Y0rk:
As a female sh0pper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her
purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the w0man was able
t0 give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes,
the p0lice had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser
and dr0ve back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
and t0ld to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes
Officer, that's her. That's the lady I st0le the purse from."
Seattle:
When a man attempted t0 siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he g0t much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene t0 find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A p0lice spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
t0 steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage
tank by mistake. The 0wner of the vehicle declined to press charges,
saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Newark:
A w0man was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was
a car ph0ne in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone,
and t0ld the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper
and wanted t0 buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was
arrested.
Ann Arb0r:
The Ann Arb0r News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him d0wn because he said he couldn't
0pen the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available f0r breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky:
Tw0 men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain
fr0m the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the fr0nt panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper
0ff their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the
chain still attached t0 the machine. With their bumper still attached
t0 the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the
bumper.
It seems a man, wanting t0 rob a downtown Bank of America, walked
int0 the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in
this bag." While standing in line, waiting t0 give his note to the
teller, he began t0 worry that someone had seen him write the note and
might call the p0lice before he reached the teller window. So he left
the
Bank 0f America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting
a few minutes in line, he handed his n0te to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and, surmising fr0m his spelling errors that he was not the
brightest light in the harb0r, told him that she could not accept his
stick up n0te because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip
and that he w0uld either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or
g0 back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK"
and left. The Wells Farg0 teller then called the police who arrested
the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank 0f
America.
45 year 0ld Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after a
mechanic rep0rted to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in
the engine c0mpartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic
f0r an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she
didn't realize that the mechanic w0uld have to raise the hood to change
the 0il.
David P0sman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I., after
allegedly kn0cking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest
f0ur bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES,
weighed 30 p0unds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway
s0 that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
Drug p0ssession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in
P0ntiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The
pr0secutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in
Christ0pher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher,
wh0 happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed
it 0ver so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of
c0caine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute
recess t0 compose himself.
Clever drug traffickers used a pr0pane tanker truck entering El Paso
fr0m Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all
0f its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana.
They were clever, but n0t bright. They misspelled the name of the gas
c0mpany on the side of the truck.
Dennis Newt0n was on trial for the armed robbery of a
c0nvenience store in a district court this week when he fired his
lawyer. Assistant district att0rney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was
d0ing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified
that Newt0n was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying
and then said, "I sh0uld of blown your [expletive] head off." The
defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the 0ne that was
there." The jury t0ok 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30
year sentence.
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up t0 two patrol officers who were showing
their squad car c0mputer equipment to children in a Detroit
neighb0rhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer's asked
him f0r a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's
license, they entered it int0 the computer, and moments later they
arrested Gaitlin because inf0rmation on the screen showed Gaitlin was
wanted f0r a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
Fl0rida: A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F----UP!" F0r a moment, everyone was silent.
Then the snickers started. The guard c0mpletely lost it and doubled over
laughing. It pr0bably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw
his gun. He c0uldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him.
The thief ran away and is still at large. In mem0ry of the event, the bank
later put a plaque 0n the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this
is a f----up!"
Bad Karma?
A fierce gust 0f wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a
river near Naples, Italy in 1983. He managed t0 break out a window,
climb 0ut, and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.
Mike Stewart, 31, 0f Dallas was filming a public service movie in
1983 0n "The Dangers of Low-Level Bridges" when the truck he was
standing 0n passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.
Walter Hallas, a 26-year-0ld store clerk in Leeds, England was so
afraid 0f dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to
cure his t0othache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas
t0 fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
Ge0rge Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I. narrowly
escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his fact0ry except for one
wall. After treatment f0r minor injuries, he returned to the scene to
search f0r his files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing
him instantly.
Depressed since he c0uldn't find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla
sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy with a gun in his hand,
threatening t0 kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to
d0 it, and after about an hour, he burst into tears and threw the gun to
the fl0or. It went off and killed his wife.
In 1983, a Mrs. Cars0n of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y. was laid out in her
c0ffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she
suddenly sat up. Her daughter dr0pped dead of fright.
A man hit by a car in New Y0rk City in 1977 got up uninjured, but
laid back d0wn in front of the car when a bystander told him to
pretend he was hurt s0 he could collect insurance money. The car
then r0lled forward and crushed him to death.
Surprised while burgling a h0use in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled
0ut the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down, and
f0und himself in the city prison.
In 1976, a 22-year-0ld Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy
Falls R0ad in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its
r0of. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road,
an0ther car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove
0n. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a
delivery van pl0wed through the crowd, leaving in its wake 3 injured
bystanders, and an even m0re battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth
vehicle came al0ng, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was
hit -- B0b Finnegan. In the space of two minutes, Finnegan suffered a
fractured skull, br0ken pelvis,broken leg, and other assorted
injuries. H0spital officials said he would recover.
While m0torcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti
came up t0 a railway border crossing, just as the crossing gates were
c0ming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a
g0at, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments
later a h0rse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order
by a man in a sp0rts car. When the train roared through the crossing,
the h0rse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled
with, Falatti resp0nded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence,
the h0rse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with
the m0torcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of
excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart int0 the sports car.
At this, the sp0rts-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the
fray. The farmer came f0rward to try to pacify the three flailing men.
As he did s0, the crossing gate rose and his goat was strangled. At last
rep0rt, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.
Tw0 German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in
heavy f0g near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his
car at a snail's pace fr0m opposite directions but both near the
middle 0f the road. At the moment of impact, their heads were
b0th out of the windows where they smacked together (imagine the sound
0f banging two hollow coconuts together). Both men were hospitalized
with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
In a case 0f "one thing leading to another", seven men, aged 18-27
years, received jail sentences 0f 3-4 years each in
Kingst0n-On-Thames, England in 1979, after a fight that started
when 0ne of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood
waiting f0r a train.
Hitting 0n the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant
nagging by giving her a g0od scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an
elab0rate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When
his wife came h0me and saw him, she fainted. Hearing a disturbance,
a neighb0r came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses,
seized the 0pportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room,
her arms laden, the 0utraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her
st0utly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped
dead 0f a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter,
and he and his wife were rec0nciled.
A few years ag0 in California there was a raging brush fire. Once the
fire was extinguished, the fire fighters began the pr0cess of
clean-up. In the middle 0f where the fire had been burning, they found
a dead man wearing a scuba tank and wet suit. At first the fire
fighters were baffled as t0 why a man would be out in the middle of
the c0untryside wearing full scuba gear. Upon further examination,
it was determined that the man died fr0m the impact with the ground and
n0t the fire. As best anyone can determine, this man was scuba diving
0ff the coast of California and was accidentally picked up by one of the
fire fighting aircraft when it was refilling its water tanks 0ffshore.
*********************************************************************
"Old W0man's Gas"
An 0ld woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an
embarrassing pr0blem. "I pass gas all the time, Doctor Johnson, but
they're s0undless, and they have no odor.
In fact, since I've been here, I've passed gas n0 less than twenty
times. What can I d0?"
"Here's a prescripti0n, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day
f0r seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched int0 Dr. Johnson's office.
"D0ctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is I'm
passing gas just as much, but n0w they smell terrible! What do you have
t0 say for yourself?"
"Calm d0wn, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've
fixed y0ur sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"
Camping Alert
In case any0ne is considering doing some camping this summer, please note
the f0llowing public service announcement:
In Alaska, t0urists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing
when hiking in bear c0untry. The bells warn away MOST bears.
T0urists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying
particular attenti0n to bear droppings to be alert for the presence
0f Grizzly Bears.
One can tell a Grizzly dr0pping because it has tiny bells in it.
NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS
US G0vernment Department of Fish and "WildLife"
Sec. 1200
1. Any pers0n with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking 0f attorneys with traps or deadfalls
is permitted. The use 0f currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing 0f attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited.
If accidentally struck, rem0ve dead
att0rney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful t0 chase, herd, or harvest attorneys
fr0m a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful t0 shout "whiplash",
"ambulance", 0r "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful t0 hunt attorneys within
100 yards 0f BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful t0 hunt attorneys within
200 yards 0f courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses,
health spas, gay bars, ambulances, 0r hospitals.
8. If an att0rney is elected to government
0ffice, it shall be a felony to hunt, "entrap", or
p0ssess it.
9. Stuffed 0r mounted attorneys must have a
state health department inspecti0n for rabies, and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal f0r a hunter to
disguise himself as a rep0rter, drug dealer, pimp,
female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim,
b0okie, or tax accountant for the purpose of
hunting att0rneys.
BAG LIMITS
(Maximum number 0f catches allowed per hunting season)
1. Yell0w Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Tw0-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Div0rce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster 3
(Female 0nly)
5. Big-m0uthed Pub Gut 2
6. H0nest Attorney On the Endangered Species List
(Illegal t0 hunt)
7. Cut-thr0at 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Br0wn-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-t0ngued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
A man travels t0 Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late
dinner. He 0rders the house special and he is brought a
plate with p0tatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks.
"C0jones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are c0jones?" the man asks.
"C0jones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the
bull wh0 lost at the arena this afternoon." At first the man is
disgusted, but being the adventur0us type, he decides to try this local
delicacy. T0 his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so
g0od that he decides to come back again the next night and order it
again. This time, the waiter brings 0ut the plate, but the meaty objects
are much smaller. "What's this?" he asks the waiter. "C0jones, senor,"
the waiter replies. "N0, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday
and they were much bigger than these." "Sen0r," the waiter explains,
"the bull d0es not lose every time."
BASIC TRUTHS
Every0ne has a photographic memory. Some don't have film
Save the whales. C0llect a whole set.
A day with0ut sunshine is like, night.
Dipl0macy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
On the 0ther hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except fr0m a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? H0w do I put it in reverse?
I just g0t lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
When the chips are d0wn, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, d0ne it all, can't remember most of it.
Th0se who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diag0nally parked in a parallel universe.
He's n0t dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancest0rs arrived on the June Flower.
Y0u have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misqu0ted, then used against you.
I w0nder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
H0nk if you love peace and quiet.
Pard0n my driving, I'm reloading.
Despite the c0st of living, have you noticed how it remains so
p0pular?
N0thing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a n0n-profit organization.
He wh0 laughs last, thinks slowest.
Our subject t0day is lighting charcoal grills. One of our favorite charcoal
grill lighters is a guy named Ge0rge Goble (really!!), a computer person in
the Purdue University engineering department.
Each year, G0ble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West
Lafayette, Indiana, at which they c0ok hamburgers on a big grill. Being
engineers, they began l0oking for practical ways to speed up the
charc0al-lighting process. "We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair
dryer," G0ble told me in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it
w0uld light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner." If you know
anything ab0ut (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened:
The purp0se of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing
h0w fast they could light the charcoal.
Fr0m the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an
acetylene t0rch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which
caused the charc0al to burn much faster, because as you
recall fr0m chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of
0xygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal). We discovered that a long time
ag0, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or
s0mething along those lines).
By this p0int, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world of
c0mpetitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard. Thus,
G0ble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen.
This is the f0rm of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero
and 600 times as dense as regular 0xygen. In terms of releasing energy,
p0uring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live
squirrel int0 a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers.
On G0bel's Web page (the address is http://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/), you can see
actual ph0tographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a
10-f0ot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in
st0res) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for
igniti0n. What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have
ever seen, featuring a large fireball that acc0rding to Goble, reached
10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The charc0al was ready for cooking
in - this has t0 be a world record - 3 seconds.
There's als0 a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique on a
flimsy $2.88 disc0unt-store grill. All that's left is a circle of charcoal
with a few shreds 0f metal in it. "Basically, the grill vaporized," said
G0ble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund."
L0oking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all choked up
with gratitude at the fact that I d0 not live anywhere near the engineers'
picnic site. But als0, I was proud of my country for producing guys who
can be ready t0 barbecue in less time than it takes for guys in less-advanced
nati0ns, to spit.
Will the 3-sec0nd barrier ever be broken? Will engineers come up with a new,
m0re powerful charcoal-lighting technology? It's something for all of us to
p0nder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and
then glancing in the directi0n of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a
mushr0om cloud.
Engineers are like that."
HOW TO MESS WITH THE IRS
(Internal Revenue Service, an agency 0f the government to whom
Americans pay taxes 0n their salary)
Always put staples in the right hand c0rner. Go ahead and put a down
the wh0le right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the
envel0pes have to take out any staples in the right side.
Never arrange paperw0rk in the right order, or even facing the right
way. Put a few upside d0wn and backwards. That way they have to
rem0ve all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on
the left side).
Line the b0ttom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry
bef0re you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't
0pen it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
If y0ur very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three
party check.
On t0p of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you
0we in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an
am0unt, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty
f0rms.
Write a little letter 0f appreciation. Any letter received has to read
and stamped regardless 0f what it is or what its on.
Write y0ur letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on
the back 0f a Kroger sack.
When y0u mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single
EZi f0rm). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than
regular business size 0nes. An added bonus to the big envelope is that
they take pri0rity over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and
deal with y0ur mess.
If y0u send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to
y0ur half destroyed form.
Always put extra paper clips 0n your forms. Any foreign fasteners or
the like have t0 be removed and put away.
Sign y0ur name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and
then date stamped.
These are just a few 0f the fun and exciting things you can do with
the man. These meth0ds are only recommended when you owe money.
Is y0ur computer male or female? As you are aware,
ships have l0ng been characterized as being female
(e.g., "Steady as she g0es", or "She's listing
t0 starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of
c0mputer scientists (all males)announced that
c0mputers should also be referred to as being
female. Their reas0ns for drawing this
c0nclusion follow:
Five reas0ns to believe computers are female:
1. N0 one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use t0 communicate with other
c0mputers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad c0mmand or file name" is about as
inf0rmative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad
at y0u, then I'm certainly not going to tell
y0u".
4. Even y0ur smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
mem0ry for later retrieval.
5. As s0on as you make a commitment to one, you find
y0urself spending half your paycheck on
access0ries for it.
H0wever, another group of computer scientists (all female)
think that c0mputers should be referred to as if they
were male. Their reas0ns follow:
Five reas0ns to believe computers are male:
1. They have a l0t of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supp0sed to help you solve problems, but
half the time they are the pr0blem.
3. As s0on as you commit to one you realize that,
if y0u had waited a little longer, you could have
0btained a better model.
4. In 0rder to get their attention, you have to turn
them 0n.
5. Big p0wer surges knock them out for the rest of
the night.
ETIQUETTE TIPS FOR REDNECKS
PERSONAL HYGIENE
----------------
Unlike cl0thes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a
hand-me-d0wn item.
While ears need t0 be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be d0ne in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Pr0per use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
H0wever, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a s0cial no-no, as they tend
t0 detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
Plucking unwanted n0se hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette
lighter and a small t0lerance for pain can accomplish the same goal
and save h0urs. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when
using this meth0d.
DINING OUT
----------
When decanting wine, make sure that y0u tilt the paper cup and pour
sl0wly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking
directly fr0m the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering
the label.
Remember t0 leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their
m0bile home costs just as much as yours.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
-------------------------
A centerpiece f0r the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
D0 not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his
manners are.
Be c0nsiderate of your guests. Point out in advance where the
injury-threatening springs are l0cated on the sofa.
If y0ur dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to
leave them al0ne for a few minutes.
DATING (Outside the Family)
---------------------------
Always 0ffer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
N0 matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were
st0len from a cemetery.
Be aggressive. Let her kn0w you are interested: "I've been wanting to
g0 out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two
years ag0."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. S0me will
say 10:00. Others might say "M0nday." If the latter is the answer,
it's the b0y's responsibility to get her to school on time.
If a girl's name d0es not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
t0wer, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in
frustrati0n.
Even if y0u can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your
reputati0n.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
-----------------
Crying babies sh0uld be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the m0vie has ended.
Refrain fr0m talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear y0u.
WEDDINGS
--------
Livest0ck usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Is it 0kay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
When dancing, never rem0ve undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
Kissing the bride f0r more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
A bridal veil made 0f window screen is not only cost effective but
als0 a proven fly deterrent.
F0r the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean b0wling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though
unc0mfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
-----------------
Dim y0ur headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
l0aded and the deer is in sight.
When appr0aching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right 0f way.
Never t0w another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending y0ur wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
t0 ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve y0urself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
D0 not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
D0 not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
----------------------
Never take a beer t0 a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify pe0ple in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in s0meone else's car.
It's c0nsidered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if y0u're certain that you are included in the will, it's
c0nsidered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The s0cially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,
especially if 0ther people are around.
If y0u have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
Always pr0vide an alibi to the police for family members.
**** Things We Can Learn Fr0m a Dog: ****
Never pass up the 0pportunity to go for a joy ride.
All0w the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When l0ved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in y0ur best interest, practise obedience.
Let 0thers know when they have invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch bef0re rising.
Run, r0mp, and play daily.
Eat with gust0 and enthusiasm.
Be l0yal.
Never pretend t0 be something you're not.
If what y0u want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When s0meone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive 0n attention and let people touch you.
Av0id biting when a simple growl will do.
On h0t days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When y0u're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
N0 matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and
p0ut .... run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple j0y of a long walk.
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