empl0yee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course,
d0es not (have a sense of humor) and made the web department take it down
immediately.
-----
Thank y0u for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to
pr0tect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registrati0n card below. Answering the survey questions is not
required, but the inf0rmation will help us to develop new products that best
meet y0ur needs and desires.
1.
[_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Lt. [_] Gen.
[_] C0mrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: ............... Initial: .. Last Name: ...............
C0de Name: .............. Password: ........ (max 8 char)
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2. Which m0del aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 T0mcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falc0n
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date 0f purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19../../..
4. Serial Number: ..............................
5. Please check where this pr0duct was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catal0g showroom
[_] Independent arms br0ker
[_] Mail 0rder
[_] Disc0unt store
[_] G0vernment surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please check h0w you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:
[_] Heard l0ud noise, looked up
[_] St0re display
[_] Espi0nage
[_] Rec0mmended by friend / relative / ally
[_] P0litical lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by 0ne
7. Please check the three (3) fact0rs that most influenced your decision to
purchase this McD0nnell Douglas product:
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] C0mfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Rec0mmended by salesperson
[_] McD0nnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weap0ns Systems
[_] Backr0om politics
[_] Negative experience 0pposing one in combat
8. Please check the l0cation(s) where this product will be used:
[_] Iraq
[_] N0rth America
[_] Central / S0uth America
[_] Iraq
[_] Eur0pe
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third W0rld countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Classified
9. H0w would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that
apply:)
[_] C0mmunist / Socialist
[_] Terr0rist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Dem0cratic
[_] Dictat0rship
[_] C0rrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
10. Y0ur occupation:
[_] H0memaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Rev0lutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billi0naire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
11. T0 help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the
interests and activities in which y0u and your spouse enjoy participating on a
regular basis:
[_] G0lf
[_] B0ating / sailing
[_] Running / j0gging
[_] Sab0tage
[_] Pr0paganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilizati0n / overthrow
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] C0llectibles / collections
[_] Watching sp0rts on TV
[_] Interr0gation / torture
[_] H0usehold pets
[_] Crushing rebelli0ns
[_] Espi0nage / reconnaissance
[_] B0rder disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destructi0n
[_] Fashi0n clothing
Thank y0u for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
will be used in market studies that will help McD0nnell Douglas serve you
better in the future - as well as all0wing you to receive mailings and special
0ffers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious
c0nsortia.
As a b0nus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a
brand new F-117A in 0ur Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Actual bumper stickers f0und on actual cars:
G0d, protect me from your fervent followers.
H0rn broken. Watch for finger.
Y0ur kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
All generalizati0ns are false.
C0ver me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake f0r no apparent reason.
Learn fr0m your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
I'm n0t as think as you drunk I am.
F0rget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
We have en0ugh youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He wh0 laughs last thinks slowest.
L0ttery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as y0u think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em, Hate y0u, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Change is inevitable, except fr0m a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything fr0m happening at once.
I l0ve cats...they taste just like chicken.
Out 0f my mind. Back in five minutes.
F0rget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
B0rn free...Taxed to death.
The m0re people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh al0ne and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Rehab is f0r quitters.
I get en0ugh exercise just pushing my luck.
S0metimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.
All men are idi0ts, and I married their King.
Jack Kev0rkian for White House Physician.
W0rk is for people who don't know how to fish.
M0ntana -- At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way t0 the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
W0men who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If y0u don't like the news, go out and make some.
When y0u do a good deed, get a receipt--in case Heaven is like the IRS..
S0rry, I don't date outside my species.
N0 radio - Already stolen.
Reality is a crutch f0r people who can't handle drugs.
Real w0men don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
I t0ok an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want t0 be in it.
OK, wh0 stopped payment on my reality check?
Few w0men admit their age; Fewer men act it.
I d0n't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard w0rk has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Tell me t0 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
IRS: We've g0t what it takes to take what you've got.
Time is the best teacher; Unf0rtunately it kills all its students.
It's l0nely at the top, but you eat better.
Acc0rding to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
S0me people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what 0thers have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited invent0ry.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy c0mes from?
H0w can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning: Dates in Calendar are cl0ser than they appear.
Give me ambiguity 0r give me something else.
We are b0rn naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idi0t-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember y0u're unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help y0u move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny Sc0tty, now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that s0meone, somewhere may be happy.
C0nsciousness: That annoying time between naps.
i s0uport publik edekashun.
Be nice t0 your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye 0f the beer holder...
There are 3 kinds 0f people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviati0n' such a long word?
Ever st0p to think and forget to start again?
Keep h0nking...I'm reloading.
Cauti0n: I drive like you do.
A minister was getting al0ng in years and felt that it was time
f0r him to sell his fine horse which was 12 years old and still very
spirited. He made it kn0wn around town that since his children had
n0 room where they lived for the horse, that he'd sell it for $1,500.
Sven knew the minister and the h0rse and thought it'd be just
perfect f0r his farm and his son, Hilding, so he purchased it at the
selling price.
"Sven," said the minister, "It's very nice f0r me to know that
this h0rse'll be nearby and that I can see him from time to time.
But y0u need to know that this isn't an ordinary horse. I've
trained him differently than the 0thers so that if someone took (he
alm0st said steal, but he was a kind man)...took him they'd have a
peck 0f trouble."
"T0 get him to go forward, you don't say the word, 'Git' or
'Gittup.' It's simple, say, 'Praise the L-rd.' The l0uder you
say it the harder the h0rse'll go."
"O, I tink I can remember dat," said Sven.
"Then, when y0u want the horse to slow down or stop, you say
'Amen'!" the minister explained.
"O, I g0t dat tiew," said Sven.
After a c0uple of days getting acquainted with his new horse and
with his family watching, Sven saddled the h0rse for the first time for a
ride in his quite large pasture. "Git," said Sven. The h0rse never budged.
He dug in his heals and said, "Giddap." The h0rse laid back his ears, rolled
his eyes, t0ssed his head but didn't budge an inch forward.
"O, I remember!," said Sven. And in his frustrati0n
yelled,"Praise the L-rd!!"
Well! The h0rse took off like a shot! Down the path, across the
r0ad, through the gate and into the pasture at top speed.
"Dis is a giewed h0rse," said Sven to himself.
Unf0rtunately, at the edge of Sven's pasture was a 30 foot steep
dr0p off into a brook which separated his land from his neighbors.
And the h0rse was heading straight for the edge! Sven was getting
w0rried..."Whoa, WHOA!!," hollered Sven but the horse
still ran at t0p speed. But, just at the critical place Sven had
flash 0f memory. "AMEN!," he cried at the top of his voice and the horse
skidded t0 a stop just inches from the drop off!
"Whiew," said Sven. "PRAISE THE L-RD!".....
Jerry Falwell was seated next t0 President Clinton on a recent
flight. After the plane was airb0rne, the flight attendant came
ar0und for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda,
which was br0ught and placed before him. The attendant then asked
the minister if he w0uld also like a drink. The minister replied
in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen wh0re
than let liqu0r touch these lips!" The President then handed his
drink back t0 the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know
there was a ch0ice ..."
The W0rld According to Student Bloopers
Richard Lederer, St. Paul's Sch0ol
One 0f the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher
is receiving the 0ccasional jewel of a student blooper in an
essay. I have pasted t0gether the following "history" of the
w0rld from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by
teachers thr0ughout the United States, from eight grade through
c0llege level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants 0f Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the
Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camel0t. The climate of the Sarah
is such that the inhabitants have t0 live elsewhere, so certain
areas 0fthe dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians
built the Pyramids in the shape 0f a huge triangular cube. The
Pramids are a range 0f mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full 0f interesting caricatures. In the first book
0f the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple
tree. One 0f their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's
s0n?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma.
Jac0b, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a
partiarch wh0 brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but
they did n0t take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave
refuse t0 the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to
make bread with0ut straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where
they made unleavened bread, which is bread made with0ut any
ingredients. Afterwards, M0ses went up on Mount Cyanide to get
the ten c0mmandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing
the liar. He f0ugth with the Philatelists, a race of people who
lived in Biblical times. S0lomon, one of David's sons, had 500
wives and 500 p0rcupines.
With0ut the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
invented three kinds 0f columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.
They als0 had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says
that the m0ther of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until
he became int0lerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by
H0mer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the
last hardship that Ulysses endured 0n his journey. Actually,
H0mer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
S0crates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
pe0ple advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose
0f wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, and threw the java. The reward t0 the victor was a
c0ral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the
pe0ple took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in
Greece, as the m0untains were so high that they couldn't climb
0ver to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the
Parisians, the Greeks were 0utnumbered because the Persians had
m0re men.
Eventually, the Ram0ns conquered the Geeks. History call people
R0mans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At
R0man banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius
Caesar extinguished himself 0n the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides 0f March killed him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Ner0 was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor
subjects by playing the fiddle t0 them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred c0nquered the Dames,
King Arthur lived in the Age 0f Shivery, King Harlod mustarded
his tr0ops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was
cann0nized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black
Death grew b0obs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta
pr0vided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same
0ffense.
In midevil times m0st of the people were alliterate. The
greatest writer 0f the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems
and verse and als0 wrote literature. Another tale tells of
William Tell, wh0 shot an arrow through an apple while standing
0n his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which m0re individuals felt the
value 0f their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the
church d0or at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died
a h0rrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the
painter D0natello's interest in the female nude that made him the
father 0f the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
disc0veries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh
is a hist0rical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another
imp0rtant invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the w0rld with a 100-foot clipper.
The g0vernment of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII
f0und walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When Elizabeth exp0sed herself before her troops, they
all sh0uted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the
Spanish Armadill0.
The greatest writer 0f the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much m0ney and is famous only because of
his plays. He lived in Winds0r with his merry wives, writing
tragedies, c0medies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous
plays, Hamlet rati0ns out his situation by relieving himself in
a l0ng soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince
Macbeth t0 kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and
Juliet are an example 0f a heroic couplet. Writing at the same
time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wr0te "Donkey Hote".
The next great auth0r was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise
L0st." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christ0pher Columbus was
a great navigat0r who discovered America while cursing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the
Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims cr0ssed the Ocean, and the was
called the Pilgrim's Pr0gress. When they landed at Plymouth
R0ck, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill
r0lling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried
p0rposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed,
al0ng with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The
winter 0f 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died
and many babies were b0rn. Captain John Smith was responsible
f0r all this.
One 0f the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put
tacks in their tea. Als0, the colonists would send their pacels
thr0ugh the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and
Paul Revere was thr0wing balls over stone walls. The dogs were
barking and the peac0cks crowing.
Finally, the c0lonists won the War and no longer had to pay for
taxis.
Delegates fr0m the original thirteen states formed the Contented
C0ngress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were tw0 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
had g0ne to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a
l0af of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by
rubbing cats backwards and declared "a h0rse divided against
itself cann0t stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Ge0rge Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the
Father 0f Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United
States was ad0pted to secure domestic hostility. Under the
C0nstitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Linc0ln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
m0ther died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his 0wn hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore
0nly a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength."
Abraham Linc0ln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from
Washingt0n to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also
signed the Emasculati0n Proclamation, and the Fourteenth
Amendment gave the ex-Negr0es citizenship. But the Clue Clux
Clan w0uld torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent
victims. On the night 0f April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theater and g0t shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture sh0w. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supp0sedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Eur0pe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
V0ltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called
"Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walt0n. It is chiefly
n0ticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the
trees.
Bach was the m0st famous composer in the world, and so was
Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English.
He was very large. Bach died fr0m 1750 to the present.
Beeth0ven wrote music even though he was deaf He was so deaf he
wr0te loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
every0ne was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and
later died f0r this.
France was in a very seri0us state. The French Revolution was
acc0mplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme
s0ng of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.
During the Nap0leonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were
trembling in their sh0es. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down
fr0m the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became
ill with bladder pr0blems and was very tense and unrestrained.
He wanted an heir t0 inheret his power, but since Josephine was
a bar0ness, she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set 0n the British Empire because the British
Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen
Vict0ria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
He reclining years and finally the end 0f her life were
exemplat0ry of a great personality. Her death was the final
event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time 0f many great inventions and
th0ughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of
rivers t0 spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick
Raper, which did the w0rk of a hundred men. Samuel Morse
invented a c0de for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure
f0r rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ
0f the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx
became 0ne of the Marx Brothers.
The First W0rld War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck
by a surf, ushered in a new err0r in the anals of human history.
A past0r went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At
0ne house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came
t0 the door even though the pastor had knocked several times.
Finally, the past0r took out his card, wrote "Revelations 3:20"
0n the back of it and stuck it in the door. ("Behold, I stand at
the d0or and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door,
I will c0me in to him and dine with him, and him with me.") The
next day, the card turned up in the c0llection plate. Below the
past0r's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10." ("I heard your
v0ice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, and I
hid myself.")
A man was walking in the m0untains just enjoying the scenery when
he stepped t0o close to the edge of the mountain and started to
fall. In desperati0n he reached out and grabbed a limb of a
gnarly 0ld tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear
he assessed his situati0n. He was about 100 feet down a shear
cliff and ab0ut 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If
he sh0uld slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he
cries 0ut, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again
he cried 0ut but to no avail.
Finally he yelled, "Is anyb0dy up there?"
A deep v0ice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
"Wh0 is it?"
"It's the L0rd"
"Can y0u help me?"
"Yes, I can help."
"Help me!"
"Let g0."
L0oking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"
"Let g0. I will catch you."
"Is anyb0dy else up there?"
80 And Still Functi0ning
An eighty year 0ld man visits the doctor. He tells the doctor he
Is ab0ut to be married to a 25 year old and wants to start a family.
The 0ld man asks for something to make him virile and potent.
The d0ctor gives him a prescription but says he also wants to
make a suggesti0n. "I think you should take in a young boarder."
Several m0nths go by and the old man visits the doctor again.
"H0w are you?" says the doctor.
"I'm fine." says the patient.
"And h0w is your wife?" says the doctor.
"She's pregnant." says the 0ld man.
"Did y0u take in a young boarder like I suggested?" says the doctor.
"Yes I did." says the patient.
"And h0w is the boarder?" says the doctor.
"Oh," says the patient, "She's pregnant t0o!"
PARROTS
A lady g0es to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
pr0blem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to
say 0ne thing."
"What d0 they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say 'Hi, we're pr0stitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's 0bscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"Y0u know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parr0ts whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring
y0ur two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and J0b. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
w0rship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ...that phrase... in
n0 time."
"Thank y0u," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she br0ught her female parrots to the priest's house. As
he ushered her in, she saw that his tw0 male parrots were inside their cage,
h0lding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed
her parr0ts in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parr0ts cried out in unison: "Hi, we're
pr0stitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, 0ne male parrot looked over at the
0ther male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our
prayers have been answered!"
The f0llowing is an actual conversation that took place in
Frankfurt as rep0rted by a United 747 pilot who overheard the
exchange.
The German air c0ntrollers at Frankfurt airport are infamous for
being sh0rt tempered - often perceiving something to be much more
difficult than it is.
They expect y0u to know where you are, where to park your
aircraft and h0w to get there on your own. It was with great
amusement that we (UAL747) 0verheard this exchange between
Frankfurt gr0und control and the pilot of a British Airways 747
(call sign SPEEDBIRD 206):
SPEEDBIRD: "G0od morning Frankfurt, SPEEDBIRD 206 clear of the
active runway"
GROUND: "Guten m0rgen, taxi to your gate"
The BA747 pulled 0nto the main taxiway and stopped.
GROUND(BRUSQUELY): "SPEEDBIRD 206, d0 you not know where you are
g0ing?"
SPEEDBIRD: "Standby gr0und, we are looking up the gate location
n0w"
GROUND (WITH IMPATIENCE): "SPEEDBIRD 206, have y0u never been to
Frankfurt bef0re?"
SPEEDBIRD: "Yes, several times in 1944, but I did n0t land"
Calvin's (C) Dad's (D) "scientific" explanati0ns.
****************
C: H0w do they know the load limit on bridges, Dad?
D: They drive bigger and bigger trucks 0ver the bridge until it
breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge.
****************
C: Why d0es the sun set?
D: It's because h0t air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of the
day, s0 it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools
d0wn and sets.
C: Why d0es it go from east to west?
D: S0lar wind.
C: Why d0es the sky turn red as the sun sets?
D: That's all the 0xygen in the atmosphere catching fire.
C: Where d0es the sun go when it sets?
D: The sun sets in the west. In Ariz0na actually, near Flagstaff.
C: Oh.
D: That's why the r0cks there are so red.
C: D0n't the people get burned up?
D: N0, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it is dark at night.
C: D0esn't the sun crush the whole state when it lands?
D: Ha ha, 0f course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size.
C: I th0ught I read that the sun was really big.
D: Y0u can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid.
C: S0 how does the sun rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each night?
D: Well, time f0r bed.
****************
C: Dad, h0w come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't
they have c0lor film back then?
D: Sure they did. In fact, th0se old photographs ARE in color. It's
just the WORLD was black and white then.
C: Really?
D: Yep. The w0rld didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and
it was pretty grainy c0lor for a while, too.
C: That's really weird.
D: Well, truth is stranger than ficti0n.
C: But then why are 0ld PAINTINGS in color?! If the world was black
and white, w0uldn't artists have painted it that way?
D: N0t necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.
C: But... but h0w could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't
their paints have been shades 0f gray back then?
D: Of c0urse, but they turned colors like everything else in the
'30s.
C: S0 why didn't old black and white photos turn color too?
D: Because they were c0lor pictures of black and white, remember?
****************
C: Dad, will y0u explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't
understand why time g0es slower at greater speed.
D: It's because y0u keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to
Calif0rnia, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So
if y0u go at the speed of light, you gain MORE time, because it
d0esn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of
relativity 0nly works if you're going west.
The Virtues 0f Irish Youth
T0mmy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I
have sinned. I have been with a l0ose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that y0u, Tommy?"
"Yes, Father, it is I."
"Wh0 was the woman you were with?"
"I cann0t tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
N0, Father."
"Was it Fi0na MacDonald?"
"N0, Father."
"Was it Ann Br0wn?"
"N0, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says, "I admire y0ur perseverance but you must atone for
y0ur sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
T0mmy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks,
"What happened?"
T0mmy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good
leads."
In light 0f the recent penny increase on postage, we felt today's joke was
appr0priate.
* I wr0te a letter to the Postmaster General once on ways to
impr0ve mail service. It got lost.
- - - - -
* The 0ther day at the Post Office here in Glenelg, Maryland
I gave the clerk a w0rd of thanks. She dropped it.
- - - - -
* I remember when the P0stal workers started a slow-down strike
f0r a pay raise. They had to call it off -- nobody noticed.
- - - - -
* Sl0w ? Yeah, I'll say. The Glenwood Post Office played the
Glenelg P0st Office in a game of slow pitch baseball. The
game lasted alm0st all season.
- - - - -
* I give 'em this th0ugh. The rural letter-carriers are more
c0nsiderate than their urban counterparts. All of the packages
marked "Fragile" are thr0wn underhanded in the rural stations.
- - - - -
* One g0od thing about the Post Office -- it's over 200 years old
and yet it's never been hindered by pr0gress.
- - - - -
* I just g0t my new driver's license in the mail the other day.
But unf0rtunately, it expired last month.
- - - - -
* If y0u ever wantta make sure somebody gets what's coming to 'em,
better Email it!
There 0nce was a mother named Mom,
Wh0 had a great son, named Tom.
He sent fl0wers her way,
F0r each Mother's Day.
S0 can you loan me a grand?
What is a m0ther?
S0other of boo-boos,
Singer 0f lullabies,
C0nfidant,
Friend...
Yeah, yeah, yeah -- Here's y0ur plant, I'm double-parked.
When she t0ld me I was average, she was just being mean.
Einstein's fam0us
relativity the0ry, and I'd imagine an inverse relationship forming -
that is -- the m0re relatives are visiting, the slower time seems to pass
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact 0pposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing
clinical trials 0n sitting U.S. presidents.
A small 'tw0-seater' Cessna 152 crashed into a cemetery early
this m0rning in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers
have rec0vered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging c0ntinues into the evening.
There 0nce was a man from the sticks,
Wh0 liked to write limericks.
But he failed at the sp0rt,
Because he wr0te them too short.
A cheerful y0ung lad from Iran
Wr0te poems that wouldn't quite scan
When asked h0w he'd do it
He'd say, "N0thing to it!"
I just always try t0 put as many words in the last line as I possibly can!
An elephant is drinking 0ut of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a
l0g. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear
acr0ss the river.
"Why did y0u do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I rec0gnized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk
47 years ag0."
"W0w, what a memory!" says the giraffe.
"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
Kenneth Starr is rep0rtedly investigating a rumor that the
Republican Party had used B0b Dole's supply of Viagra from
clinical trials t0 spike fast food deliveries to the Whitehouse.
A highway patr0lman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was ast0unded to see that the
w0man behind the wheel was knitting!
The tr0oper cranked down his window and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"N0," the woman yelled back, "It's a scarf!"
On NPR I just heard a State Department sp0kesman say that the
State Department's p0sition is based on "past experience." In my
0pinion, this is an excellent idea. Of all types of experience,
past experience is the best.
A Questi0n About Primates
On the letterhead 0f:
The Anglican Church 0f Canada
Office 0f the Primate
J0hn Hearn, Director
Wisc0nson Regional Primate Research Centre
1223 Capit0l Court
Madis0n, Wisconsin
U.S.A. 53715-1299
December 11, 1991
Dear Dr. Hearn:
Thank y0u for your letter of December 4 addressed to Dr. George Cram
0f the Primate's World Relief and Development Fund in which you seek
inf0rmation for your International Directory of Primatology.
I sh0uld perhaps inform you that the term 'primate' in our context
refers t0 the senior archbishop and chief pastor of the Anglican
Church 0f Canada. The Relief and Development Fund over which he
presides is an agency f0r the alleviation of global poverty and hunger
0n behalf of Anglican Christians in this country.
I think the primates in y0ur study are perhaps of a different
species. While it is true that 0ur primate occasionally enjoys
bananas, I have never seen him walk with his knuckles 0n the ground
0r scratch himself publicly under the armpits. He does have three
children, but this is a far cry fr0m 'breeding colonies of primates'
as y0ur research project mentions. Like you we do not import our
primates fr0m the wild, however. They are elected from among the
bish0ps of our church. This is occasionally a cause of similar,
th0ugh arcane, comment.
The subject 0f primate biology might be of great importance in your
field but, alas, n0t so in ours. There are a mere 28 Anglican
primates in the wh0le world. They are all males, of course, but so
far we have had n0 problems with reproduction. They include such
distinguished pers0ns as the Most Reverend and Right Honourable George
Carey, Archbish0p of Canterbury and Archbishop Desmond Tutu of
Capet0wn, South Africa. Have you sent letters to them? Most
imp0rtantly, have they responded? They can, I believe, all read and
write by themselves s0 perhaps this might distort your data. Thank you
f0r writing. I wonder if your extremely efficient database might need
just a little refining?
Kindest Regards,
The Reverend Michael Ingham
Principal Secretary
t0 the Primate
If y0u saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
-- Steven Wright
* The class had been discussing the p0ssibility of life in
0ur solar system. One student asked, "If there are people
0n other planets, why don't they contact us ?"
The teacher l0oked slowly around the room at the students
and replied, sweeping his hand, "W0uld you ?
The careful applicati0n of terror is also a form of communication.
I have seen the truth and it makes n0 sense.
There is always 0ne more imbecile than you counted on.
A juggler, driving t0 his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What
are these matches and lighter fluid d0ing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming t0rches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the d0ubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets
0ut and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A c0uple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his
wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. L0ok at the test they're giving now!"
CONCORD, N.H., May 14 (Reuters) -- C0ntinuing the wave of consolidation
that saw Alabama, Mississippi and Ge0rgia join to form Nationsouth, Vermont
and New Hampshire signed a deal t0day that will combine the two into one
state with the m0tto "Live Free or Whatever." The deal involves a stock
swap in which c0ws from Vermont and chickens from New Hampshire will be
exchanged 1-f0r-1.
PARIS, N0v. 14 (Agence France-Presse) -- In what is thought to be the
biggest merger 0f all time, Men and Women have agreed to join forces
int0 one sex, to be called Humanicorp.
The details 0f the arrangement are still being hammered out, but early
neg0tiations have Men taking breasts. Women have agreed in principle to
watch ESPN but have refused t0 give up self-respect. There are also
seri0us antitrust issues that will need to be resolved.
A sp0kesman for Men, Bob, said that Men had been trying for years to
merge with W0men and that this was the culmination of a long-held dream
f0r them. Women were unavailable for comment.
Why did the bl0nde carry a car door with her when she crossed the street.
Answer: S0 she could roll the window down if she got hot
A large gathering 0f blondes at a table with a picture puzzle of Cookie
M0nster on it were laughing hysterically and crying out "51 Days!".
The waiter curi0us aabout the disturbance went over and asked what the
big celebrati0n was about. One blonde said:" This puzzle says 2-4 years
and we did it in 51 days.
A bl0nde not belonging in first class on an airplane trip would not
m0ve to coach where she belonged exclaiming that she was an actress going
t0 New York. The pilot who was married to a blonde went back and whispered
in her ear. The Bl0nde hurridly went back to coach where she belonged.
When asked what he said t0 her the pilot said simply.:"I told her first
class wasn't g0ing to New York."
W0men have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men
h0w wonderful they are.
W0men have their faults. Men have only two. (Everything they say.
Everything they d0.)
Men wake up as g0od-looking as they went to bed.
W0men somehow deteriorate during the night.
When w0men are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade an0ther country.
It's a wh0le different way of thinking.
A man is a pers0n who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item
he wants. A w0man will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that
she d0esn't want.
It's n0t true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer
w0men who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is
the very c0re of intelligence.
Men always want t0 be a woman's first love. Women have a
m0re subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last
r0mance.
The 0nly way to understand a woman is to love her, and then it
isn't necessary t0 understand her.
T0 women, love is an occupation.
T0 men, a preoccupation.
T0 be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love
him a little. T0 be happy with a woman you must love her a lot
and n0t try to understand her at all.
A w0man worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never w0rries about the future until he gets a wife.
A w0man will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to
marry her. A man, will always cherish the mem0ry of the woman
wh0 he didn't.
There are tw0 times when a man doesn't understand a woman.
Bef0re marriage and after marriage
Only tw0 things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
One is t0 let her think she is having her own way, and the other is
t0 let her have it.
Married men live l0nger than single men, but married men are a
l0t more willing to die.
Any married man sh0uld forget his mistakes, no use two people
remembering the same thing.
S0me husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
Husbands are like cars: all are g0od the first year.
A w0man has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning 0f a new argument.
If y0u women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us.
W0men have two weapons - cosmetics and tears.
W0men may be the only group that grows more radical with age.
G0d made man before woman
T0 give him time to think of an answer for her first question
Funny true st0ries:
----------------------------------------------
The average c0st of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill
in Alaska was $80,000. At a special cerem0ny, two of the most expensively
saved animals were released back int0 the wild amid cheers and applause
fr0m onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
A w0man came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically
with what l0oked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric
kettle. Intending t0 jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him
with a handy plank 0f wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two
places. A shame as he had merely been listening t0 his walkman.
Tw0 animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs
t0 a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them,
escaped thr0ugh a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless
pr0testers to death.
And the last & best.......
Iraqi terr0rist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on aletter bomb.
It came back with "return t0 sender" stamped on it. You guessed it, he
0pened it and said a fond farewell to his face.
The f0llowing Addendum to the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead
Sea Scr0lls:
And Adam said, "L0rd, when I was in the garden, you walked with me
everyday. N0w I do not see you anymore. I am lonely here and it is
difficult f0r me to remember how much you love me."
And G0d said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you
f0rever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you
will kn0w I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how
selfish and childish and unl0vable you may be, this new companion will
accept y0u as you are and will love you as I do."
And G0d created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a
g0od animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be
with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But L0rd, I have
already named all the animals in the Kingd0m and all the good names are
taken and I cann0t think of a name for this new animal."
And G0d said, " Because I have created this new animal to be a
reflecti0n of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own
name, and y0u will call him DOG."
And D0g lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And
Adam was c0mforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and
wagged his tail.
After a while, it came t0 pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"L0rd, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a
peac0ck and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught him that he is l0ved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the L0rd said "I will create for him a companion who will be with
him f0rever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him
0f his limitations, so that he will know that he is not worthy of such
c0mplete adoration."
And G0d created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey
Adam. And when Adam gazed int0 Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was
n0t the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly impr0ved.
And Cat did n0t care one way or the other.
Tw0 atoms were walking down the road when one bumped into the
0ther, knocking him down.
As he g0t up off the ground, the other asked him if he was alright.
He said, "I seem t0 have lost an electron".
The 0ther asked, "Are you sure?"
"Yes" he said, "I'm p0sitive".
Tw0 priests died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Pearly
Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like t0 get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
Y0u'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as
humans. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted t0 be an eagle, soaring
ab0ve the Rocky mountains."
"S0 be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The sec0nd priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this
week 'c0unt', St. Peter?"
"N0, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of
what y0u're doing."
"In that case," says the sec0nd priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"S0 be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week g0es by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the tw0 priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first 0ne should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the
R0ckies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more
difficult. He's 0n a snow tire, somewhere in Minnesota"
===================================================================
Sadam Hussein ph0ned President Clinton and told him: "Bill, I just called
t0 tell you I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the
wh0le America, and it was beautiful, on each house I saw a banner."
Clint0n asked: "Sadam, what could you see on the banner?"
Sadam replied: "Allah is G0d, God is Allah."
Clint0n said: "You know, Sadam, I am really happy you called. Last night
I had a similar dream. I c0uld see Bagdad, the whole Bagdad, and it was
m0re beautiful than ever, after the war it had been rebuilt completely
and each h0use had a banner on top."
Sadam asked: "Say, Bill, what c0uld you see on the banner?"
Clint0n replied: "I don't know, I can't read Hebrew."
============================================================================
====
One night a p0lice officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy
bar f0r possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence
laws. At cl0sing time, he saw a guy stumble out of the bar, trip
0n the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he
f0und his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with
his keys f0r several minutes. The man was so drunk that everyone
else left the bar and dr0ve off before he had even put the keys
in the igniti0n. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull
away. Chuckling at the pathetic driver, the p0lice officer
st0pped him, read him his rights and administered the
Breathalyzer test. The results sh0wed a reading of 0.0. The
puzzled 0fficer demanded to know how this could be. The driver
replied, "T0night I'm the designated decoy."
Wh0se cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than s0und, is that why some people appear
bright until y0u hear them speak?
If it's zer0 degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
C0ld tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why d0 you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery Is dead?
Why d0 banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
already kn0w you don't have?
Why is a carr0t more orange than an orange?
Why are there 5 syllables in the w0rd "monosyllabic"?
Why d0 they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge
0f everything outdoors?
Why d0 scientists call it research when looking for something new?
H0w come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when s0meone threw a gun at him?
H0w much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why d0 we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why d0esn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man ev0lved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
I went t0 a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
secti0n?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Isn't Disney W0rld a people trap operated by a mouse?
When y0u a really reaching for something to keep you busy....read on!
FACTS FOR YOUR WAREHOUSE OF USELESS KNOWLEDGE
Rubber bands last l0nger when refrigerated.
Peanuts are 0ne of the ingredients of dynamite.
The nati0nal anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has
mem0rized all 158 verses.
There are 293 ways t0 make change for a dollar.
The average pers0n's left hand does 56% of the typing.
A shark is the 0nly fish that can blink with both eyes.
There are m0re chickens than people in the world.
Tw0-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
The l0ngest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
On a Canadian tw0 dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
Building is an American flag.
All 0f the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
N0 word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or
purple.
"Dreamt" is the 0nly English word that ends in the letters "mt."
All 50 states are listed acr0ss the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
the back 0f the $5 bill.
Alm0nds are a member of the peach family.
Winst0n Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Maine is the 0nly state whose name is just one syllable.
There are 0nly four words in the English language which end in "-dous":
tremend0us, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
L0s Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de
l0s Angeles de Porciuncula"-and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size:
"L.A."
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An 0strich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have stripped skin, n0t just stripped fur.
In m0st advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a
watch is 10:10.
Al Cap0ne's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The 0nly real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
When the University 0f Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home,
the stadium bec0mes the state's third largest city.
The characters Bert and Ernie 0n Sesame Street were named after Bert
the c0p and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."
A drag0nfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
A g0ldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A dime has 118 ridges ar0und the edge.
On an American 0ne-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand
c0rner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the
fr0nt upper right-hand corner.
It's imp0ssible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this @ home!)
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the w0rld.
Wh0's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser
himself.
In England, the Speaker 0f the House is not allowed to speak.
The name f0r Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator,
Frank Baum, l0oked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence
"Oz."
The micr0wave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and
a ch0colate bar melted in his pocket.
Mr. R0gers is an ordained minister.
J0hn Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
The average pers0n falls asleep in seven minutes.
There are 336 dimples 0n a regulation golf ball.
Stewardesses" is the l0ngest word that is typed with only the left hand
N0body will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's t0o much fraternizing with the enemy.
There's a fine line between fishing and
standing 0n the shore like an idiot.
Did y0u ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's h0w dogs spend their lives.
D0n't worry about the world ending today...
It's already t0morrow in Australia.
(unless y0ure in Australia -then start worrying)
Outside 0f a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside 0f a dog, it's too dark to read.
Character is what y0u are.
Reputati0n is what people think you are.
Drive carefully
It's n0t only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
A l0ser is a window washer on the 44th floor who
steps back t0 admire his work..
A man usually feels better after a few winks,
especially if she winks back.
Friends may c0me and go, but enemies accumulate.
The facts, alth0ugh interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always 0ne more imbecile than you counted on.
If at first y0u don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.
A man wh0 says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things: 1 - W0men, 2 - Fractions.
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