1998 DARWIN NOMINEES:
(# 1) L0s Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided
t0 remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid
0f a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the
expl0sive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited
the fuse and retreated t0 watch from inside their home, behind a
wind0w some 10 feet away from the hive/shed.
The c0ncussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards,
seri0usly lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki need stitches, the
br0thers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking
t0wards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving
bees.
Unbekn0wnst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom,
and died 0f suffocation enroute to the hospital.
(#2) A Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female
c0mpanion, 64, were driving along the Newell Highway near
M0ree, in Northwestern New South Wales, on Wednesday night,
p0lice said. Their car crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600
meter l0ng train at a level crossing (I guess that would be
harder t0 miss than the side of a barn!).
The vehicle became wedged between the sec0nd last and last
carriages and was dragged sideways beside the track as the
train c0ntinued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman said.
After being carried m0re than a kilometer and a half, they
appr0ached an unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the
sp0keswoman said. Moments before they reached the precipice,
the car was struck by a pyl0n, dislodged from the train and spun
several times.
When it came t0 rest, the pair managed to free themselves from
the wreck (I w0nder if it was a Volvo?) with minor bruising and
the man set 0ff along the railway line for help. But he slipped on
the bridge and fell t0 his death, the spokeswoman said. The
w0man was eventually able to raise the alarm and was
rec0vering in Moree hospital with chest injuries.
(# 3) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneap0lis
with third-degree murder in the death 0f his beloved cousin,
Kenneth E. Richards. Acc0rding to police, Derrick suggested a
game 0f Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol
(instead 0f the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
(# 4) Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year 0ld male choked
t0 death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an
ex0tic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was
g0ing to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said,
adding "He was really drunk."
(# 5) In February, acc0rding to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel
K0lta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus
earning a tie in the game 0f chicken they were playing with their
sn0wmobiles.
(# 6) MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a c0lleague
at the M0scow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof
vest t0 see if it would protected him against a knife attack. It
didn't, and the 25-year-0ld guard died of a heart wound. (It's good
t0 see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
(# 7) In France, Jacques LeFevrier left n0thing to chance when
he decided t0 commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff
and tied a n0ose around his neck. He tied the other end of the
r0pe to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his
cl0thes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He
jumped and fired the pist0l. The bullet missed him completely
and cut thr0ugh the rope above him. Free of the threat of
hanging, he plunged int0 the sea. The sudden dunking
extinguished the flames and made him v0mit the poison. He
was dragged 0ut of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken
t0 a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
(# 8) RENTON, Washingt0n, USA. On February 3, 1998, a
Rent0n, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was
pr0bably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had
n0 previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid
ch0ices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun sh0p.
2. The sh0p was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
p0rtion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
handguns in public places.
3. T0 enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police
patr0l car parked at the front door.
4. An 0fficer in uniform was standing next to the counter,
having c0ffee before reporting to duty.
5.Up0n seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a
h0ldup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk
pr0mptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several
0ther customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one
else was hurt.
1998 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (I.E.
N0n-fatalities)
Gulf Breeze, Fl0rida, three unidentified teenage males were
using a h0me video camera to film an action/adventure "movie"
0ne of the boys had written. In a scene that called for each
character t0 be ignited by fire, the "special effects coordinator,"
age 15, prepared the "stunt" y0uth by dousing lighter fluid onto
his cl0thes.
The intenti0nal fire, which proved unexpectedly difficult to
extinguish, left the y0ung man with third degree burns on his left
arm, t0rso, and both legs. It was all captured on film.
*************
In Bradf0rd, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in a
c0ntainer which he handed to his wife. She opened the
c0ntainer and, startled to see the snake, dropped it. The excited
and, as it turns 0ut, poisonous, snake immediately bit Mr. Cruwe
0n the shin. Mr Cruwe survived the wound and recovered after a
sh0rt visit to the local emergency room.
*************
In rural Carb0n County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer
and discharging firearms fr0m the rear deck of a home owned by
Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a racc0on that
was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim
and, despite 0f the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the
animal escaped int0 a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100
feet away fr0m Mr.Michaels' deck.
Determined t0 terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can
0f gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke
the animal 0ut. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the
fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gall0n fuel can down the pipe
and tried t0 ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by
wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels pr0ceeded to slide feet-first
appr0ximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match.
The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball pr0pelled Mr.
Michaels back the way he had c0me, though at a much higher
rate 0f speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile
leaves a submarine," acc0rding to witness Joseph McFadden,
31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly 0ver his own home, right
0ver the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In
all, he traveled 0ver 200 feet through the air. "There was a
D0ppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden
rep0rted, "followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only
min0r injuries.
"It was actually pretty c0ol," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot
s0meone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was
sure I w0uldn't get hurt."
**************
TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several
friends when 0ne of them said they knew a person who had
bungee-jumped fr0m the middle of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge.
The c0nversation grew more heated and at least 10 men
tr0oped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival
at the midp0int of the bridge they discovered that no one had
br0ught bungee rope.
Bingham, wh0 had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed
0ut that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the
cable was secured ar0und Bingham's leg and the other end was
tied t0 the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and pulled his f0ot off at the ankle. He miraculously
survived his fall int0 the frigid waters of the Tacoma Narrows and
Puget S0und and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.
"All I can say," said Bingham, "Is that G0d was watching out for
me 0n that night. There's just no other explanation for it."
Bingham's severed f0ot was never located.
****************
Earlier this year, the dazed crew 0f a Japanese trawler were
plucked 0ut of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their
sunken ship. Their rescue, h0wever, was followed by immediate
impris0nment once authorities questioned the sailors on their
ship's l0ss.
T0 a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky,
had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking
the vessel within minutes. They remained in pris0n for several
weeks, until the Russian Air F0rce reluctantly informed
Japanese auth0rities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had
apparently st0len a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian
airfield, f0rced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off
f0r home.
Unprepared f0r live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to
manage a n0w rampaging cow within its hold. To save the
aircraft and themselves, they sh0ved the animal out of the cargo
h0ld as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000
feet.
The Battle at Aginc0urt involved the French and the English.
The French, wh0 were overwhelmingly favored to win the battle, threatened to
cut a certain b0dy part off of all captured English soldiers so that they
c0uld never fight again. The English won the battle. It was a major
defeat f0r the French. When the battle was over, the English marched in
fr0nt of those French soldiers who remained alive and waved the body part in
questi0n at the French in defiance.
D0 you know what this body part was???
The answer:
The b0dy part which the French proposed to cut off of the English after
defeating them was, 0f course, the middle finger, without which it would
have been imp0ssible for the English soldiers to draw the renowned English
l0ngbow.
This fam0us weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act
0f drawing the longbow, using the forefinger and middle finger, was known
am0ng all soldiers as "plucking yew".
When the vict0rious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated
French, they said, "See here, we are still able t0 pluck the yew!" That was
quickly sh0rtened to a haughty shout of, "PLUCK YEW!" Over the
years,differing cust0ms have evolved from this symbolic gesture. Since
'pluck yew' is rather difficult t0 say (sort of like "pleasant mother
pheasant plucker," which is wh0 you had to go to for the feathers used on
the arr0ws launched by the English longbow), the difficult consonant cluster
at the beginning was gradually changed t0 a labiodental fricative "F".
Thus the w0rds often used in conjunction with the middle-finger-salute,
0ften mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate sexual
enc0unter, were actually first used after the battle at Agincourt! It is
als0 interesting to note that it was because of the pheasant feathers on the
arr0ws that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
And yew th0ught yew knew everything!!!
WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, C0ngress approved the Americans With
N0 Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and
pr0tection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.
The act, signed int0 law by President Clinton shortly after its
passage, is being hailed as a maj0r victory for the millions upon
milli0ns of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"R0ughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their
0wn--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role
f0r themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter.
"Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences 0f unrewarding,
dead-end busyw0rk: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling
mail-in rebates f0r Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing
bureaucratic f0rms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions
0f nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up
thr0ugh the ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With N0 Abilities Act, more than 25 million
imp0rtant-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the
white-c0llar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an
illus0ry sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based
raises and pr0motions will also be offered to create a sense of upward
m0bility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.
The legislati0n also provides corporations with incentives to hire
n0nabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one
n0n-germane worker for every two talented hirees.
Finally, the Americans With N0 Abilities Act also contains tough
new measures t0 prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning
pr0spective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What
can y0u bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills
that w0uld make you an asset to this company?"
"As a n0nabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up
with c0-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz,
wh0 lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis
tile wh0lesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This
new law sh0uld really help people like me."
With the passage 0f the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and
milli0ns of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a
light at the end 0f the tunnel.
Said Clint0n: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human
beings, t0 provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or
her lack 0f value to society, some sort of space to take up in this
great nati0n."
-----NOTE ------------
These j0kes may be offensive to some. Don't read'm if you might be
0ffended! They are forwarded as received, including the missing words/lines.
Number... 8
A y0ung man walked up and sat down at the bar."What can I
get y0u?" the bartender inquired. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
resp0nded the young man."6 shots?!? Are you celebrating
s0mething?"
"Yeah, my first bl0w job," the man answered. "Well, in that
case, let me give y0u a 7th on the house. "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots
w0n't get rid of the taste,nothing will."
Number... 7
A businessman b0arded a flight and was lucky enough to be
seated next t0 an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange
brief hell0s and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual
statistics. He asks her ab0ut it and she replied, "This is a very
interesting b0ok about sexual statistics. It identifies that American
Indians have the l0ngest average penis and Polish men have the biggest
average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's y0urs?" He coolly
replied, "T0nto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
Number... 6
At night, as a c0uple lay down for bed, the husband gently
tapped his wife 0n the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.
His wife turned 0ver and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynec0logist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Her husband, rejected, turned 0ver and tried to sleep. A few minutes
later, he r0lled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he
whispered in her ear, "D0 you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Number... 5
Bill w0rked in a pickle factory. He had been employed
there f0r a number of years when he came home one day and confess
t0 his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his
penis int0 the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a
sex therapist t0 talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too
embarrassed. He v0wed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One
day a few weeks later, Bill came h0me absolutely ashen. His wife
c0uld see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong,
Bill?" she asked. "D0 you remember that I told you how I had this
tremend0us urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?""Oh, Bill, you didn't.
"Yes, I did. "My G0d, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I
mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?""Oh, she g0t fired too."
Number... 4
A man was visiting his wife in h0spital where she has been in a
d0ctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough. The
d0ctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he
w0uld wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn't want the man
t0 be embarrassed. The man goes in, then came out about five minutes
later, white as a sheet. He t0ld the doctor his wife is dead. The
d0ctor asked what happen to which the man replied, "She choked."
Number... 3
A guy walked int0 a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
put the alligat0r up on the bar and turned to the astonished
patr0ns. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and
place my genitals inside. Then the gat0r will close his mouth for one
minute. He'll then 0pen his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In
return f0r witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a
drink." The cr0wd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,
dr0pped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open
m0uth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a
minute, the man grabbed a beer b0ttle and rapped the alligator hard
0n the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man
rem0ved his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered
and the first 0f his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up
again and made an0ther offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to
give it a try." A hush fell 0ver the crowd. After a while, a hand went
up in the back 0f the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but
y0u have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
Number... 2
A small white guy went int0 an elevator, when he got in he
n0ticed a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black
guy l0oked down upon the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350
p0unds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner
Br0wn." The small guy fainted!! The huge black dude picked up
the little white guy and br0ught him to, slapping his face and
shaking him. He asked the small white guy, "What's wr0ng?" Our petite
friend said, "Excuse me, but what did y0u say?" The black giant looked
d0wn and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound
left ball, 3 p0und right ball, my name is Turner Brown" The white guy
sighed, "Oh, thank G0d! I thought you said 'Turn around!!'"
Number...1
What did Bill Gates' wife say t0 him on their wedding
night?
"N0w I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
Retiring Mail Man
It was Ge0rge the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail thr0ugh all kinds of weather to the same
neighb0rhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was
greeted by the wh0le family who roundly and soundly congratulated him
and sent him 0n his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the sec0nd house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The f0lks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.
At the f0urth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
w0man in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led
him thr0ugh the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew
his mind with the m0st passionate love he had ever experienced! When
he had en0ugh, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant
breakfast; eggs, p0tatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed 0range juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured
him a cup 0f steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a
d0llar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All 0f this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But
what's the d0llar for"?
"Well", she said, "last night, I t0ld my husband that today would be
y0ur last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
asked him what t0 give you, and he said; "Screw him. Give him a
d0llar". "The breakfast was my idea!!"
GRANDMA BOUGHT A BUMPER STICKER FOR HER OLD BUICK...she writes:
The 0ther day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a
"H0nk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it
0n the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an
uplifting experience f0llowed. I was stopped at the light of a busy
intersecti0n...just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice
that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really w0rked! I found
l0ts of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk
like crazy. He must really l0ve the Lord because pretty soon he leaned
0ut his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. Why,
it was like a f0otball game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"!
Every0ne else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved
and smiled t0 all those loving people. There must have been a guy from
Fl0rida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a
sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with 0nly his middle
finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my tw0 grandsons what
that meant. They kind 0f squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and
t0ld me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the
wind0w and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people
were s0 caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their
cars and were walking t0wards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just
then I n0ticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. Its
a g0od thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the
intersecti0n. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the
wind0w, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as
I dr0ve away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
L0ve ya all, Grandma
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is 0ut golfing and gets up to
the 16th h0le. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately,
it g0es into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes
l0oking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge
kn0t on his head and the golfball lying right beside him.
"G0odness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the
p0or little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well,
y0u caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will
grant y0u three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything fr0m you, I'm just glad
I didn't hurt y0u too badly," and walks away. Watching the
g0lfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice
en0ugh guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something
f0r him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year g0es past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the
same g0lfer is out golfing on the same course at
the 16th h0le. He gets up and hits one into the same woods
and g0es off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the
same little guy and asks h0w he is doing. The
leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask h0w your golf
game is?"
The g0lfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that f0r you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I
ask h0w your money is holding out?"
"Well, n0w that you mention it, every time I put my hand
in my p0cket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that f0r you. And
might I ask h0w your sex life is?"
N0w the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well,
maybe 0nce or twice a week."
Fl0ored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The g0lfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's
n0t too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Timing has a l0t to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
After eating an entire bull, a m0untain lion felt so good he started
r0aring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The
m0ral: when you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If y0u find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop
digging.
The easiest way t0 eat crow is while it is still warm. The colder it
gets, the harder it is t0 swallow.
Never ask a barber if he thinks y0u need a haircut.
G0od judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.
Never miss a chance t0 rest your horse.
N0 matter where you ride to, that is where you are.
A l0t of good luck is undeserved, but then so is a lot of bad luck.
D0n't get mad at somebody who knows more than your do. It isn't
their fault.
When y0u are trying something new, the fewer people who know about
it, the better.
Only a buzzard feeds 0n his friends
C0ntrol your generosity when you are dealing with a chronic
b0rrower.
Speak y0ur mind, but ride a fast horse.
G0 after life as if it is something that's got to be roped in a
hurry bef0re it gets away.
The 0nly way to drive cattle fast is slowly.
The basics 0f roping are a sense of rythm, good timing, and an eye
f0r distance. You might also want to keep this in mind when you are
tw0-stepping around the dance floor.
A smart ass just d0n't fit in a saddle.
The quickest way t0 double your money is to fold it over and put it
back in y0ur pocket.
Never miss a g0od chance to shut up.
N0body ever drowned himself in his own sweat.
N0 tree is too big for a short dog to lift its leg on.
Y0u don't need decorated words to make your meaning clear. Say it
plain and save s0me breath for breathing.
H0nesty is not something you should flirt with--you should be
married t0 it.
The length 0f a conversation does not tell anything about the size
0f the intellect.
The Bl0ndes Get Revenge...
Why d0 brunettes like their dark hair color ?
It d0esn't show the dirt.
Wh0 makes all the bras for brunettes ?
Fisher-Price
Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes ?
The hair fr0m a buffalo's butt was more manageable
Why are m0st brunettes flat-chested ?
It makes it easier f0r them to read their T-shirts
Why are brunettes s0 proud of their hair ?
It matches their mustache
Why is the c0lor brunette considered evil ?
When's the last time ya saw a bl0nde witch?
H0w can you tell a brunette is lonely ?
Check her f0r a pulse
What is the m0st frustrated animal in the world ?
A brunette rabbit
What did the frustrated brunette say t0 her uninterested
l0ver ?
" What part 0f 'yes' don't you understand ?"
Why did G0d create brunettes ?
S0 ugly men wouldn't feel left out
What d0 brunettes miss most about a great party ?
The invitati0n
Where d0 brunettes get the hair for a transplant ?
Fr0m their underarms
Why d0 brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast
j0b ?
Because the plastic surge0n has to start from scratch
H0w do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on
Saturday night?
Startled
What d0 you call a good-looking man with a brunette ?
A h0stage
Tw0 blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down
siding, w0uld reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either
t0ss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring
this was w0rth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails
away?" The first bl0nde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch
and it's p0inted TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If
it's p0inted toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" The second
bl0nde got completely ticked off and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails
p0inted toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of
the h0use!!"
*********************************************************************
***** A bl0nde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out
p0ps a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more
c0ins.She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course
the machine keeps feeding 0ut drinks. Another person walks up behind
the bl0nde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping
and her and asking if s0meone else could have a go. The blonde spins
ar0und and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning."
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Tw0 blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some
tracks. The first bl0nde said "These look like deer tracks," and the
0ther one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and
argued f0r a while and they were still arguing when the train hit
them.
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Tw0 blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a c0at hanger. They tried and tried to get the door
0pen, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a
m0ment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up!
It's starting t0 rain and the top is down.
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Hear ab0ut the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to
realize she c0uld play it at night.
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What happened t0 the blonde ice hockey team?They drowned in Spring
training.
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What did the bl0nde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"L0ok! they spelled MACY'S wrong.
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Why d0 blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their
picture.
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Why did the bl0nde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on
the 0ther side.
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H0w do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on
Wednesday.
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Why did the bl0nde stare at frozen orange juice? Because it said
'c0ncentrate'.
In case y0u are planning on hiking this summer ...
Subject: Bear Warning!
U.S. FOREST SERVICE NOTICE
Over 3,000 pe0ple were injured by bears last year, many of these attacks
were fatal. As a public service t0 all backpackers, campers and other
pe0ple enjoying the remote regions of the US this summer, the Forest
Service issues the f0llowing notice:
T0urists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when
hiking in bear c0untry. The bells warn away MOST bears (brown,
black, etc.) but be careful because this meth0d doesn't scare
K0diak/grizzly bears.
T0urists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying
particular attenti0n to bear droppings to be alert for the
presence 0f Kodiak/grizzly bears. One can easily spot a Kodiak
0r grizzly bear dropping because it has tiny bells in it.
"What's the difference between an intr0verted programmer and an extroverted
pr0grammer?"
"The extr0verted programmer looks at YOUR shoes when talking to you.."
MY PRAYER....
L0rd help me to relax about insignificant details
beginning t0morrow at 7:41:23 am p.s.t.
G0d help me to consider people's feelings,
even if m0st of them ARE hypersensitive.
G0d help me to take responsibility for my own actions,
even th0ugh they're usually NOT my fault.
G0d, help me to not try to RUN everything.
But, if Y0u need some help, please feel free to ASK me!
L0rd, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
G0d help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, arties, and
dancing.
G0d give me patience, and I mean right NOW!
L0rd help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
G0d, help me to finish everything I sta
G0d, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time.
G0d help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest.
And w0uld you mind putting that in writing?
L0rd keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.
L0rd help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.
L0rd help me follow established procedures today.
On sec0nd thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.
L0rd, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.
Amen.
Title: 35 P0litically correct ways to say someone is stupid
1. A few cl0wns short of a circus
2. A few fries sh0rt of a Happy Meal
3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
4. A few beers sh0rt of a 6-pack
5. Dumber than a b0x of hair
6. A few peas sh0rt of a casserole
7. D0esn't have all his corn flakes in one box
8. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
9. One Fruit L0op shy if a full bowl
10. One tac0 short of a combination plate
11. A few feathers sh0rt of a whole duck
12. All f0am, no beer
13. The cheese slid 0ff his cracker
14. B0dy by Fisher, brains by Mattel
15. Has an IQ 0f 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
16. Warning: Objects in mirr0r are dumber than they appear
17. C0uldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
18. T0o much yardage between the goal posts
19. An intellect rivaled 0nly by garden tools
20. As smart as bait
21. Chimney's cl0gged
22. D0esn't have all his dogs on one leash
23. D0esn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
24. Elevat0r doesn't go all the way to the top floor
25. F0rgot to pay this brain bill
26. Her sewing machine's 0ut of thread
27. Her antenna d0esn't pick up all the channels
28. His belt d0esn't go through all the loops
29. If he had an0ther brain, it would be lonely
30. Missing a few butt0ns on her remote control
31. N0 grain in the silo
32. Pr0of that evolution can go in reverse
33. Receiver is 0ff the hook
34. Several nuts sh0rt of a full pouch
35. He fell 0ut of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down
Supp0sedly true Stories told by travel agents.
1. A client called in inquiring ab0ut a package to Hawaii.
After g0ing over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be
cheaper t0 fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
2. I g0t a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.
I started t0 explain the length of the flight and the passport
inf0rmation when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to
make y0u look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
With0ut trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly
explained, "Cape C0d is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in
S0uth Africa." her response....click.
3. A secretary called in l0oking for hotel in Los Angeles.
She gave me vari0us names off a list, none of which I could
find I finally had her fax me the list. T0 my surprise, it
was a list 0f hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought
the LA st0od for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb
0f L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she
was n0t even embarrassed.
4. A man called, furi0us about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wr0ng with the vacation in Orlando. He said
he was expecting an 0cean-view room. I tried to explain that
is n0t possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, "D0n't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida
is a very thin state."
5. I g0t a call from a man who asked, "is it possible
t0 see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they
l0ok so close on the map."
6. A nice lady just called. She needed t0 know how it was
p0ssible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got
int0 Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was
an h0ur ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the
c0ncept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very
fast, and she b0ught that!
7. A w0man called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
descripti0n on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to
wh0?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when
I checked in with the airline, they put a tag 0n my luggage
that said FAT, and I'm 0verweight, is there any connection?"
After putting her 0n hold for a minute while I "looked into
it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the
city c0de for Fresno, California is FAT, and that the airline
was just putting a destinati0n tag on her luggage.
8. I just g0t off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I
kn0w which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant,
which he replied, "I was t0ld my flight number is 823, but none
0f these darn planes have numbers on them."
9. A w0man called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on
0ne of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to
Pensac0la on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."
10. A business man called and had a questi0n about the documents
he needed in 0rder to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
ab0ut passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't,
I've been t0 China many times and never had to have one of those."
I d0uble checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I t0ld him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times
and every time they have accepted my American Express card."
Tw0 tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching
Natchit0ches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and f0rth until they stopped for lunch. As they
st0od at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,
"Bef0re we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
W0uld you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The bl0nde girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
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