A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Qu0tes" contest. They were looking for
pe0ple to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are
the finalists:
1. "As 0f tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
empl0yees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote
fr0m Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list 0f specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is n0t to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used 0nly for company business." (Accounting Manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This pr0ject is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing Manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "D0ing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
6. N0 one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working
0n it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when
it's time t0 tell them." (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and
Manufacturing/3M C0rp.)
7. "My B0ss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
needed c0rrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
c0uldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell
C0mputers)
8. Qu0te from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing Executive, Citrix C0rporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled f0r Monday. When I
t0ld my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work
0n the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial
t0 Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD
Fl0rists)
10. "We kn0w that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the empl0yees." (Switching Supervisor, AT&T Long Lines
Divisi0n)
11. We recently received a mem0 from senior management saying: "This is to
inf0rm you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned
ab0ve." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my b0ss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
pr0ject I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He
said, "If I wanted it t0morrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for
it!" (New Business Manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
13. As direct0r of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing
0ur company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one
0f the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the
training manuals. The day after I r0uted the memo to the executive committee,
I was called int0 the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice
president wanted me 0ut of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was
t0ld that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her
c0mpany. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I
be fired and the w0rd "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly
reas0nable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy
0f the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take
care 0f it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us
that n0 words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be
used in c0mpany memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company
p0licy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the
Sunday paper. (Tac0 Bell Corporation)
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