- "We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief respites are called panic. --> The original quote from Cullen Hightower"
tower
down
- To avoid that run down feeling--cross streets carefully.
joy
- If there were no clouds, we should not enjoy the sun.
royal
- "We're not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don't think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to be working people. --> The original quote from Christie Brinkley"
spawn
- "TV is not the spawn of satan everybody makes it out to be. I'd say the WWW is more pernicious than TV. --> The original quote from John Dobbin"
qui
A quiz
******
******
S0... you consider yourself a professional, right?
This sh0rt quiz consists of 4 questions. It tells whether you are
qualified t0 be a professional. According to statistics of Andersen
W0rldwide, around 90% of professionals failed the exam. Scroll down
f0r the answers. The questions are not that difficult. You just need
t0 be a bit.........
1. H0w do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
vvvv Scr0ll Down vvvv
The c0rrect answer is: open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and
cl0se the door.
This questi0n tests whether you are doing simple things in
a c0mplicated way.
2. H0w do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
vvvv Scr0ll Down vvvv
Wr0ng answer: open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close
the refrigerat0r.
C0rrect answer: open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in
the elephant and cl0se the door.
This tests y0ur prudence.
3. The Li0n King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals
attend except 0ne. Which animal does not attend?
vvvv Scr0ll Down vvvv
C0rrect Answer: The elephant! ... still in the refrigerator! This
tests whether y0u have comprehensive thinking.
OK, if y0u did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one
may be y0ur last chance to testify to your qualification to be
a pr0fessional.
4. There is a river, which is lived in by cr0codiles. How do you
manage t0 cross it?
vvvv Scr0ll Down vvvv
C0rrect Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are
attending the Animal Meeting!
H0pe you got this one right!
spider
- "Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts."
splat
Y2
Y-t0-K Date Change Project Status
=================================
=================================
"Our staff has c0mpleted the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We
have g0ne through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and
hist0ric archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are
pr0ud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission,
and have n0w implemented all changes to all programs and all data to
reflect y0ur new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September,
Oct0ber, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, M0ndak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfact0ry, because to be honest, none of this Y
t0 K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global
pr0blem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what
d0es the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you
think we 0ught to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from
99 t0 00?
WrongEmai
This Illin0is man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for
a vacati0n in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and
was planning t0 meet him there the next day.
a vacati0n in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and
was planning t0 meet him there the next day.
When he reached his h0tel, he decided to send his wife a quick
e-mail. Unable t0 find the scrap of paper on which he had written
her e-mail address, he did his best t0 type it in from memory.
Unf0rtunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead t0 an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had
passed away 0nly few hours before.
Few days later, when the grieving wid0w checked her e-mail, she
t0ok one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell
t0 the floor in a dead faint.
At the s0und, her family rushed into the room and saw this
n0te on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just g0t checked in.
Everything prepared f0r your arrival tomorrow.
Y0ur eternally loving husband.
PS. Sure is h0t down here.
apse
- "You might be a redneck if your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs."
optimism
- "Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself. --> The original quote from Lucille Ball"
opus
- "I'd like to be under the sea, in an octopusses garden, in the shade..."
Wishes200
wishes f0r The New Millennium...
May y0ur hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your
abs and y0ur stocks not
fall; and May y0ur blood pressure, your
triglycerides, y0ur cholesterol,
y0ur white blood count and your mortgage interest
n0t rise.
May y0u get a clean bill of health from your
dentist, y0ur cardiologist, your gastro-endocrinologist, your
ur0logist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist,
y0ur plumber and the IRS.
May y0u find a way to travel from anywhere to
anywhere in the rush h0ur in
less than an h0ur, and when you get there May you
find a parking space.
May Friday evening, December 31, find y0u seated
ar0und the dinner table,
t0gether with your beloved family and cherished
friends, ushering in the New
Year ahead. Y0u will find the food better, the
envir0nment quieter, the cost
much cheaper, and the pleasure much m0re
fulfilling than anything else y0u
might 0rdinarily do that night.
May y0u wake up on January 1st, finding that the
w0rld has not come to an
end, the lights w0rk, the water faucets flow, and
the sky has n0t fallen.
May y0u go to the bank on Monday morning, January
3rd and find y0ur account
is in 0rder, your money is still there and any
mistakes are in y0ur favor.
May y0u ponder on January 4th; How did this
ultram0dern civilization of ours manage to get itself
traumatized by a p0ssible slip of a blip
0n a chip made out of sand.
May y0u have the strength to go through a year of
presidential campaigning, and May s0me of the promises made be
kept. May y0u believe at
least half 0f what the candidates propose, and May
th0se elected fulfill at
least half 0f what they promise, and the miracle
0f reducing taxes and balancing budgets happen.
May what y0u see in the mirror delight you, and
what 0thers see in you delight them.
May the telemarketers wait t0 make their sales
calls until y0u finish
dinner, and May y0ur check book and your budget
balance, and May they include gener0us amounts for charity.
May y0u remember to say "I love you" at least once
a day t0 your spouse, your child, your parent; but not to your
secretary, y0ur nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis
instruct0r.
May we live as intended, in a w0rld at peace and
the awareness 0f the beauty
in every sunset, every fl0wer's unfolding petals,
every baby's smile and
every w0nderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of
0ur heart.
And,
May y0u Forward this on to someone that could use
a smile and a laugh t0 brighten their day.
frame
- A good frame of mind... but no picture...
orange
- "You might be a redneck if your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest."
WindowsMessage
Micr0soft Windows "messages" and related comments:
- Here c0mes the 'Big Blue'!!!
(Wind0ws NT kernel crashdown)
- Y0u have just pressed the NumLock key. This wonderful
feature will enable y0u to use the keys that are on
the right side 0f your keyboard as numeric keys. In
0rder for this feature to work you must restart
Wind0ws. Would you like to restart your computer now?
[Yes] [N0]
- Micr0soft OutLook. Look out! Microsoft!
- A pr0gram or Windows itself (or something else) has
changed a file (0r something else) on your harddisk
(0r other hardware). You must restart the operation
(0r restart something else) for it to work. Would
y0u like to do that now (or something else?)
[OK] [Cancel]
- This pr0gram has encountered an internal application
err0r. Please contact the creator of the program to
get help.
(Wind0ws internal error... yeh... get help from MicroSoft)
- This Micr0soft product has been Y2K tested and
pr0ven. You last defragmented your harddisk 99 years
and 5 days ag0. Would you like to run DiskFrag now?
[Yes] [N0]
- Y0u have made changes to the document since it
was last saved. Click OK if y0u wish to keep on editing
this d0cument. If you wish to discard the changes and
exit click Cancel. If y0u want to overweight the previously
saved d0cument press 'Yes to All'. What would you like
t0 do?
[Yes] [N0]
- ???? ??? ???? ??? ??? ???????? ?????? ???????? ???????
?????? ??????? ???????? ????????? ???? ??? ?? ? ????
??? ??? ?
[OK] [Cancel]
-
[OK]
- Please wait while Wind0ws instantaneously reboots.
This may take few minutes.
- (While installing new MS package)
"...We d0 our best in order for our products to have unique,
surprising and highly invested first-class bugs."
- Please wait indefinitely while Wind0ws (TM) loads
instantly.
- Wind0ws NT has numerous new features for your ease
0f use. You will find Windows extremely intuitive
and c0mfortable in its look and feel. Please
press Alt+Right Shift+Caps L0ck+Enter+Delete+BackSpace
t0 log-on.
- Micr0soft Windows:
Making the p0ssible impossible.
- It's n0t that we intentionally put bugs into our programs, but
this seems the 0nly way to make you buy an update every year.
S0 what do you want from us?
- Micr0soft Windows.
See y0ur computer FLY!
- It is n0w safe to turn off your computer.
Just kidding! It is never safe t0 turn it off! In fact, you
sh0uld keep it running all the time, and frequently upgrade
y0ur software! That's the only safe thing to do. (at least
I'll kn0w my income is safe that way!).
- Are y0u sure you want to shut-down Windows?
N0 one can guaranty that it will boot correctly next time!
- Y0ur computer is running Microsoft Windows for 12 hours
straight. It is time f0r your computer to crash.
Please wait.
- Wind0ws has generated a random error. That's just to remind
y0u which operating system you chose.
W0uld you like to restart your computer now?
[Yes] [OK]
grave
- Morticians DO IT gravely.
pray
- Unpopular Bible Fact: Public prayer is wrong. (Matthew 6:1-6)
prayer
- If the prayers of dogs were answered, bones would rain from the sky.
Windows98Sourc
Wind0ws 98 Source Code
/****************************************/
/*
TOP SECRET Micr0soft(c) Code
Pr0ject: Chicago(tm)
Pr0jected release-date: Summer 1998
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenm0re.h"
#include "0ldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_pr0g_look_big[1600000];
v0id main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_c0pyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
d0_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installati0n)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
d0_nothing_loop();
t0tally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destr0y_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_s0mething(anything);
display_c0pyright_message();
d0_nothing_loop();
d0_some_stuff();
if (still_n0t_crashed)
{
display_c0pyright_message();
d0_nothing_loop();
basically_run_wind0ws_3.1();
d0_nothing_loop();
d0_nothing_loop();
d0_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu()) {
set_wait_states(l0ts);
set_m0use(speed, very_slow);
set_m0use(action, jumpy);
set_m0use(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welc0me to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welc0me to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welc0me to Windows 98");
if (system_0k())
{
bs0d(random_err());
crash(t0_dos_prompt);
}
else
system_mem0ry = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(s0mething)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_0n_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_pr0tection_fault();
}
-(s)-(b)-708316.jpg)
arch
- Every man is the architect of his own fortunes.
-(s)-(b)-765032.jpg){kind=spacer}
treat
- We must treat a firearm's power with caution.
Wife_1_
T0 Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 t0 Wife 1.0 and noticed that
the new pr0gram began unexpected child processing that took
up a l0t of space and valuable resources. No mention of this
phen0menon was included in the product brochure. In addition,
Wife 1.0 installs itself int0 all other programs and launches during
system initializati0n where it monitors all other system activity.
Applicati0ns such as Poker Night 10.3 and Beer Bash 2.5
n0 longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot
seem t0 purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about
g0ing back to Girlfriend 1.0 but Uninstall does not work on this
pr0gram. Can you help me?
********************************************************************
RESPONSE FROM TECH SUPPORT:
Dear Sir,
This is a very c0mmon complaint but it is mostly due to a
primary misc0nception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend
1.0 t0 Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a
"UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" pr0gram.
H0wever, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed
t0 run everything. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge
the pr0gram from the system once installed. You cannot go
back t0 Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to
d0 this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0
but end up with m0re problems than in the original system.
L0ok in your manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.
I rec0mmend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might als0 suggest you read the
entire secti0n regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).
Y0u must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that
might 0ccur. The best course of action will be to push
Ap0logize button then Reset button as soon as lockup occurs.
System will run sm0oth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great pr0gram but is very high maintenance.
--Tech Supp0rt
creepy
VegetableGarde
Once there was a beautiful w0man who loved to work in her vegetable
garden, but n0 matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to
ripen. Admiring her neighb0r's garden, which had beautiful, bright red
t0matoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
garden, but n0 matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to
ripen. Admiring her neighb0r's garden, which had beautiful, bright red
t0matoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the 0ld man explained. "Twice each day, in
the m0rning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the
t0matoes and they turn red with embarrassment".
Desperate f0r the perfect garden, she tried to take his advice and
pr0ceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks
passed and her neighb0r stopped by to check her progress.
"S0," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"
"N0," she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my
cucumbers!"
president
- "[FCC chair Hundt] Reed came to his job the hard way. He went to prep school with the vice president, law school with the president, and raw talent took over from there. --> The original quote from Hodding Carter III"
dress
- They say give your money to God, but they give you THEIR address.
USAElection
Electi0ns in the US
T0 the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light 0f your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
t0 govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the Revocation of your
Independence, effective t0day.
Her S0vereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties 0ver all states, commonwealths and other territories, except
Utah, which she d0es not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon.
T0ny Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware
that there is a w0rld outside your borders) will appoint a minister
f0r America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questi0nnaire will be circulated next
year t0 determine whether any of you noticed.
T0 aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are intr0duced with immediate effect:
1. Y0u should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then l0ok up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just h0w wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
y0u should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"v0cabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with
filler n0ises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient f0rm of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is n0 such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
0n your behalf.
3. Y0u should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. H0llywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the g0od guys.
5. Y0u should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but 0nly after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
y0u to get confused and give up half way through.
6. Y0u should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind 0f football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very g0od game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
0utside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" f0otball. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
sh0uld instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
y0u played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
en0ugh will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "f0otball", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty sec0nds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We
are h0ping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. Y0u should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give y0u any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a w0rld outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. ("Merde" is French f0r
"shit".)
8. July 4th is n0 longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
nati0nal holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is f0r
y0ur own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
10. Please tell us wh0 killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank y0u for your co-operation!
trig
- "Some jerk infected the Internet with an outright lie. It shows how easy it is to do and how credulous people are. --> The original quote from Kurt Vonnegut"
ThreeWishe
A grad student, a p0st-doc, and a professor are walking through a
city park and they find an antique 0il lamp. They rub it and a Genie
c0mes out in a puff of smoke.
city park and they find an antique 0il lamp. They rub it and a Genie
c0mes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually 0nly grant three wishes, so I'll give
each 0f you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want t0 be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedb0at with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes
t0pless." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the p0st-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing 0n the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and
a Mai Tai 0n the other." Poof! He's gone.
"Y0u're next," the Genie says to the professor.
The pr0fessor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after
lunch."
urinal
- "In case of nuclear attack, hide in this urinal. It has never been hit."
priori
- "When everything is a priority, nothing is a priority. --> The original quote from Simon Fulleringer"
iris
- Satirists do it tongue-in-cheek.
write
- Blaming the gun for murder is like blaming the typewriter for libel..
TheWors
The w0rst of all...
The W0rst Hijacking...
We shall never kn0w the identity of the man who in 1976 made the
m0st unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America,
he r0se from his seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage.
"Take me t0 Detroit", he demanded. "We're already going to
Detr0it", she replied. "Oh... good", he said, and sat down again.
The W0rst Bank Robbery...
In August 1975 three men were 0n their way in to rob the Royal
Bank 0f Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving
d0ors. They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking
every0ne, sheepishly left the building. A few minutes later they
returned and ann0unced their intention of robbing the bank,
but n0ne of the staff believed them. When they demanded 5,000 pounds
in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, c0nvinced that
it was a practical j0ke. Then one of the men jumped over the
c0unter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two
tried t0 make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors
again.
The W0rst Homing Pigeon...
This hist0ric bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and
was expected t0 reach its base that evening. It was returned by
p0st, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
The W0rst Animal Rescue...
During the firemen's strike 0f 1978, the British Army had taken over
emergency fire and 0n 14 January they were called out by an elderly
lady in S0uth London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped
up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and s0on discharged
their duty. S0 grateful was the lady that she invited them all in
f0r tea. Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran
0ver the cat.
W0rst Speed Trap...
A p0lice officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for
speeders. But he wasn't catching any0ne. One day the officer found
the pr0blem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road
with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". A
little m0re investigative work led the officer to the boy's
acc0mplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar
trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full 0f
change.
W0rst hunters...
These tw0 hunters went moose hunting every year without success.
Finally they came up with a f0ol proof plan. They got themselves a
very authentic c0w moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow
m0ose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then
c0me out of the costume and shoot the bull. So, they set themselves up
0n the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to
give the m0ose love call.
Bef0re too long their call was answered by a bull in the forest. They
called again, the bull answered cl0ser to them. They called again, The
bull answered, and came crashing 0ut of the forest and into the
clearing. As the bulls' p0unding hoof beats got closer the guy in
fr0nt said, "OK, lets get out of the moose suit and get him."
After a m0ment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back
sh0uts "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?".
The guy in the fr0nt says, "I'm going to start nibbling grass, you
better brace y0urself."
army
- "Villains are picked off in order of ascending nastiness... sadistic brutes, followed by smarmy flacks, followed by twisted visionaries in expensive suits. Among the heroes, we don't have to worry about the principled male scientist, the dynamic female animal behaviorist, or the stowaway children. But even among the good guys, a marginal physiognomy or a receding hairline can spell doom. Keep your eye on that sad-faced electronics specialist. He's bald, and he's gonna pay. --> The original quote from Stephen Harrigan"
problem
- Government isn't the answer...government is the problem!
product
- Chocolate chip cookies: hazardous waist products.
groin
TheShepher
The Shepherd
************
************
Once up0n a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the
edge 0f a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new BMW screeches to a halt
next t0 him.
The driver, a y0ung man dressed in a snazzy suit and shoes, Ray-Ban
glasses and a yell0w tie gets out and asks the shepherd: "If I guess
h0w many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd l0oks at the young man, then looks at the sheep grazing
and says:
- "All right."
The y0ung man parks the car, connects his Toshiba notebook and the
m0bile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a
database and 60 Excel tables filled with alg0rithms, then prints a 150
page rep0rt on his high-tech mini-printer. He then turns to the
shepherd and says:
- "Y0u have exactly 1586 sheep."
The shepherd answers: - "That's c0rrect, you can take your sheep."
The y0ung man takes one and puts in the back of his BMW.
The shepherd l0oks at him and asks: - "If I guess your profession,
will y0u return my animal to me?"
The y0ung man answers: - "Yes, why not?"
The shepherd says: - "Y0u are a consultant."
"H0w did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple", answers the shepherd:
"First, y0u come here without being called.
Sec0nd, you charge me a sheep to tell me something I already knew.
Third, y0u do not understand anything about what I do, because you
t0ok my dog."
proof
- Rule of Creationism #28: Shift the burden of proof to your critics.
Te
A man isn't feeling well, s0 he goes to his doctor for
a c0mplete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with
the results. -"I'm afraid I have s0me very bad news," the
d0ctor says. "You're dying and you don't have much time left."
-"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "H0w long have I got?"
-"Ten" the d0ctor says sadly. -"Ten?" the mans asks.
"Ten what? M0nths, Weeks? What?" -"Nine..."
a c0mplete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with
the results. -"I'm afraid I have s0me very bad news," the
d0ctor says. "You're dying and you don't have much time left."
-"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "H0w long have I got?"
-"Ten" the d0ctor says sadly. -"Ten?" the mans asks.
"Ten what? M0nths, Weeks? What?" -"Nine..."
proud
- Politically incorrect and DAMNED proud of it!!!
TechSuppor
Dear Tech Supp0rt,
Last year I upgraded fr0m Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
n0ticed that the new program began making an expected changes to
the acc0unting
M0dules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had
Operated flawlessly under B0yfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0
Uninstalled many 0ther valuable programs, such as Hot-sex 1.0 and
R0mance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0
and NBA 3.0. C0nversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning
2.6 simply
Crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 t0 fix theseproblems, but to
n0 avail.
Desperate Wife.
----------------------------------------------------
> Dear Desperate Wife,
Keep in mind; B0yfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0 is an 0perating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I
THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2.
Husband 1.0 sh0uld then automatically run the applications: Guilty
3.0 and Fl0wers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0
t0 default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1
is a very bad pr0gram that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.
DO NOT install M0ther-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend
pr0gram.
These are n0t supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great pr0gram, but it does have limited
Mem0ry and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying
Additi0nal software to improve performance. I personally recommend
H0tFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1
Tech Supp0rt
arrival
arty
-(s)-(b)-705779.jpg)
- We have a two party system: US vs Them....
Swearin
Little Timmy and Little B0bby go to visit their grandmother in the
c0untry. They've been brought up in a fairly ill-disciplined household
and
are pr0ne to swear quite a bit. Anyway after about a solid week of
cursing and swearing their grandm0ther can't take it anymore and goes
t0 see her friend Maude and get some advice. "What can I do about
them swearing?" says the grandm0ther, "As far as I'm concerned there
is 0nly really one thing you can do," says Maude, "next time they swear
just hit 'em g0od and hard and they won't do it again." "I can't do
that!"
says grandma, sh0cked at the thought, "they're my grandchildren!"
"L0ok," says Maude, "It'll teach 'em a good lesson mark my words."
Anyway Grandma leaves and g0es home. The next morning Timmy and
B0bby go downstairs to have breakfast. Grandma says to Bobby, "And
what w0uld you like for breakfast?" To which Bobby replies," Give me
s0me of them Fucking cornflakes!" Grandma lashes out with this big
swing and kn0cks Bobby clean out of his chair. He sits on the ground
l0oking shocked at his grandma. Next Grandma turns to Timmy," and
what w0uld you like for breakfast little Timmy?" Timmy looks at his
br0ther and then back to his grandmother and says, "I don't know but
y0u can bet your sweet arse it won't be fucking cornflakes!!"
c0untry. They've been brought up in a fairly ill-disciplined household
and
are pr0ne to swear quite a bit. Anyway after about a solid week of
cursing and swearing their grandm0ther can't take it anymore and goes
t0 see her friend Maude and get some advice. "What can I do about
them swearing?" says the grandm0ther, "As far as I'm concerned there
is 0nly really one thing you can do," says Maude, "next time they swear
just hit 'em g0od and hard and they won't do it again." "I can't do
that!"
says grandma, sh0cked at the thought, "they're my grandchildren!"
"L0ok," says Maude, "It'll teach 'em a good lesson mark my words."
Anyway Grandma leaves and g0es home. The next morning Timmy and
B0bby go downstairs to have breakfast. Grandma says to Bobby, "And
what w0uld you like for breakfast?" To which Bobby replies," Give me
s0me of them Fucking cornflakes!" Grandma lashes out with this big
swing and kn0cks Bobby clean out of his chair. He sits on the ground
l0oking shocked at his grandma. Next Grandma turns to Timmy," and
what w0uld you like for breakfast little Timmy?" Timmy looks at his
br0ther and then back to his grandmother and says, "I don't know but
y0u can bet your sweet arse it won't be fucking cornflakes!!"
cry
- There's no use crying over spilt milk.
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