1. Never raise y0ur hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm n0t into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. R0und is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying t0 figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. D0 illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted t0 be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever n0tice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever n0tice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
9. Y0u have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six l0cks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One 0ut of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
12. They sh0w you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask pe0ple why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
14. A lady came up t0 me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
15. Future hist0rians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
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