T0 the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light 0f your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
t0 govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the Revocation of your
Independence, effective t0day.
Her S0vereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties 0ver all states, commonwealths and other territories, except
Utah, which she d0es not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon.
T0ny Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware
that there is a w0rld outside your borders) will appoint a minister
f0r America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questi0nnaire will be circulated next
year t0 determine whether any of you noticed.
T0 aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are intr0duced with immediate effect:
1. Y0u should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then l0ok up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just h0w wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
y0u should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"v0cabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with
filler n0ises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient f0rm of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is n0 such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
0n your behalf.
3. Y0u should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. H0llywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the g0od guys.
5. Y0u should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but 0nly after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
y0u to get confused and give up half way through.
6. Y0u should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind 0f football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very g0od game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
0utside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" f0otball. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
sh0uld instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
y0u played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
en0ugh will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "f0otball", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty sec0nds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We
are h0ping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. Y0u should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give y0u any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a w0rld outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. ("Merde" is French f0r
"shit".)
8. July 4th is n0 longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
nati0nal holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is f0r
y0ur own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
10. Please tell us wh0 killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank y0u for your co-operation!
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