Jokes for fun: January 2009

matter

- Cats always land on their feet, but at 10 stories, it doesn't matter.

- It doesn't matter what size the gun is, just how well it shoots.

sauce

- "Let the fools have their 'tar-tar' sauce." - Monty Burns

- Hunger is the best sauce.

- "Snakes are slithering out of faucets. Cockroaches are crawling out of people's clothing. Young girls are invoking spirits, walking on water, killing marine animals and causing the hair to fall out of pretty blond heads. Slowly, black magic is consuming young minds. I ask you in all seriousness: WHAT IS CATHOLIC SCHOOL DOING TO OUR CHILDREN? --> The original quote from Mr. Cranky"

- Why women like bidets #1: You can kick a bidet faucet.

daughter

- "You know you need to get out more when you think the Duracell family's daughter is one hot babe. --> The original quote from John Switzer"

- Mother a weed, father a weed. Do you expect the daughter to be a saffron root?

laura

- "I know you must feel harshly about me darling, but believe me, that feeling won't last long. --> The original quote from Alaura Kingley, as she is about to unplug the iron lung in which her husband is living, City of Angels"

taut

- "Neurotic, n.: Self-taut person."

caution

- "The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. --> The original quote from Alfred Adler"

- You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.

kava

eave

- Better to reign in hell, than serve in heaven.

- Lord (God, Heaven) helps those (them) who help themselves.

have

- Walls have ears.

- When children stand quiet, they have done some harm.

javelin

- "For reasons I'd rather not javelin. --> The original quote from John Dobbin"

navy

- "A language is a dialect with an army and a navy. --> The original quote from Max Weinreich"

- "There are only two types of ships in the navy: SUBMARINES and TARGETS!"

law

- Necessity knows no law.

- One law for the rich, and another for the poor.

taxi

- "You might be a redneck if you have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial."

- Big brother is watching, listening, reading, taxing, and taking notes.

gay

- "You're involved with Amway? How's Orgegay Ichaelmay?"

- Lesbians do it with one-half, gays the other.

pay

- If you dance you must pay the fiddler.

- Who breaks, pays.

ray

- Unpopular Bible Fact: Public prayer is wrong. (Matthew 6:1-6)

- Every ass loves to hear himself bray.

say

- Better to do well than to say well.

- Íå who says what he likes, shall hear what he doesn't like.

way

- Òî come away none the wiser.

- Where there's a will, there's a way.

faze

scan

- "The sun is a mass, of incandescant gas...a gigantic nuclear furnace! --> The original quote from They Might Be Giants"

- Cat-scan: a way to find your bird (or mouse).

scarf

scary

- "Kobuk not scary. Me just a happy beaver. Gnaw wood to build my den. Me help. Me cut firewood with teeth. Me so cute! Kobuk happy to see you. Me show you. Me give you love bites. Duh-h. Me lay down now. --> The original quote from Megan Coughlin"

- "New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour, but to me it is not scary, cuz I stay away from dairy. --> The original quote from Friends"

scat

- "\"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?\" \"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.\" --> The original quote from Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4"

- Better taglines through confiscation.

scene

- "You might be a redneck if there has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door."

- Techies do it behind the scenes. (as in stage hands).

school

- Adversity is a great schoolmaster.

- Experience keeps no school, she teaches her pupils singly.

icicle

- "I'm sharp and shiny, just like an icicle."

scout

- "A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities."

- "Brownian motion, n.: Jogging girl scout."

scream

- "Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic..."

- "You might be a Republican if... you scream \"Dit-dit-ditto\" while making love."

screw

- A secretary becomes a permanent fixture when screwed on desk.

- It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

sculpture

- "I would love to go out with you, but I must stay home and work on my cottage cheese sculpture."

- "The Ten Commandments are banned from the schoolroom, but pornographic videos are permitted. Or, as someone has quipped about the notorious sculpture by Andres Serrano, a crucifix many not be exhibited - unless it is dipped in urine, in which case it will be awarded a grant by the National Endowment for the Arts. --> The original quote from Judge Robert Bork scopes the current cultural scene"

ode

- I am SysOp, hear me roar, with modems too fast to ignore.

- "Moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue." - B. Goldwater

edge

- Children and fools must not play with edged tools.

- Too much knowledge makes the head bald.

idiot

- "Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot."

- You don't fool me! You're not really an idiot!

ado

- adolescents.

- Much ado about nothing.

idol

- "For the egoist has so far the advantage over every other species of devotee, that his idol is ever present. --> The original quote from Catherine Gore"

- "Throw me the whip! Throw me the idol! --> The original quote from Raiders of the Lost Ark"